Group Member Challenges # 2

The search for meaning is individual to each of us. It’s not uncommon to question our faith when living with loss. Sometimes people will embrace their faith and it truly carries them through. Others may question their faith and God that such a terrible thing could happen. And others may come to a new sense of spirituality.   We have to allow people to do this work without judgement.

Holly the Holy Roller

~ Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Holly spends so much time talking about heaven that people wonder if her feet are on the ground! While faith values are very important and should be explored, the Hollys of the group often alienate other members by quoting scripture. Holly usually projects a lack of any personal problems and may perceive other members’ pain as a “lack of faith.”

Appropriate ways to intervene: Support that works for one person may not work for another. You can accept how important Holly’s faith is to her while also (with appropriate timing and pacing) helping her and the group acknowledge that having faith and mourning are not mutually exclusive. If Holly is advice-giving about the need for everyone to have faith like hers, you must gently remind her of the ground rules and redirect the group in ways supportive to everyone present.

Photo Credit: Graur Razvan Ionut
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=987

Group Member Challenges #1

I obtained my Certificate in Death & Grief Studies with Dr. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. He is a brilliant man with incredible insight, passion and compassion.

He has worked and taught extensively to those who are grieving. He also works with professionals and has a great way to break down the challenges they may face. While there are many, this week I have chosen three types of people who could present as challenges when part of a group. See if you they remind you of anyone that you may have encountered.

Bob the Blamer

~Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Bob is the participant who projects that other group members (or, other people in general) are the ones who cause his problems. This self-defeating thought pattern has often been a part of his coping mechanisms for some time. Bob often projects an accompanying sense that no one has ever understood him and no one ever will. This self-crippling stance wears thin very quickly with members who are trying to honestly look at themselves and sort out new directions in their lives.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Compassionately attempt to help Bob become more self-responsible and eliminate the tendency to blame. Well-timed, tentative comments like, “Bob, sometimes I’m struck by how often you find fault with others. I’m wondering what would happen for you if you look inside yourself at times instead of outside?” A supportive confrontation like this has the potential of getting Bob more connected to himself and starts to help make positive changes.

On Wednesday, you will meet Challenger #2!

Remembrance Day

Today is Remembrance Day, also known as Armistice or Veteran’s Day. It marks the anniversary of when the hostilities of World War 1 ended at 11:00 am on November 11, 1918 (the 11^th hour on the 11^th day of the 11^th month).

It is on this day that we honour those who served our country and fought for our freedom; it is today that we honour those who continue to serve and protect our freedom.

God speed to all.

In Flanders Fields

by John McCrae (It’s believed that McCrae wrote this beautiful poem on May 3, 1915 after witnessing the death of his friend, Lieutenant Alexis Helmer, 22 years old, the day before.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Nobody’s Story is More Important than Yours

I have had the privilege to work with many individuals after they experienced loss. I meet people every day whose heart has been shattered for one reason or another. I have family members very near and dear to me struggling to accept losses in their life. Not all the losses are a physical death; however, that does not negate their suffering.

What is interesting to me is that often when people share their story with me, they end it with, “It could have been worse.” And I ask them, “Could it?” I understand the reason they do that. I’ve done it myself. When I hear other people’s stories, I think that no matter what I have been through in my life, their suffering has to be so much more… their loss is so much greater. And then I ask myself, “Is it?”

Here is what I have come to learn and I share it daily with others, “You will always hear another person’s story that will take your breath away. But remember, when your story happened to you, it took your breath away. What happened to you is no greater and no less painful than what has happened to other people.”

When events happen in life, regardless if it is a divorce, separation, a death, the ending of a relationship, a financial loss, or a fracture in a family… all of it is painful to the person going through it. What we can do is look at those other stories… the one’s that we think are more important or significant than ours… and use them as inspiration to encourage us to do the work we need to do. Instead of saying, it could have been worse, say… “At least I am not alone. Others have experienced loss too, and I can gain strength from them because they have walked where I am today. I am grateful to have heard their story.”

Nobody’s story is more important than your own.

Pre-screen Group Members

Support groups are beneficial in offering participants education and support. Participants attending the session also receive the benefit of being surrounded by others with similar experiences and those who will allow them to do the work of grieving and mourning without judgement. An unexpected bonus is that often the members forge close friendships and build a strong sense of community.

When starting a support group, the decision has to be made on the format. Is this a self-help group (e.g. Compassionate Friends)? Is it a therapy group? The self-help group are generally led by individuals who have also been bereaved, but who have worked through the process of mourning. Therapy groups are led by professionals (i.e. therapist).

It is the responsibility of the group facilitator to develop a positive group experience for the participants. Therefore, an important yet often overlooked step is to pre-screen members. Not every person is a good fit for the group. When interviewing a participant for the first-time there may be obvious indicators that they person would benefit from individual counselling rather than a support group setting. On the other hand, especially if the facilitator is a lay person, you may miss something and find out after they join the group that this isn’t the right fit. It happens ~ facilitators are human.

Some things to consider when meeting with a potential member to determine if they are a good fit are:

• Are they ready? If the person has recently lost a loved one (less than 6 months) they may not be ready or able to benefit from a group setting.
• Are they exhibiting / indicating other issues that need to be addressed elsewhere (e.g. drug and alcohol dependency)
• Do they demonstrate the capacity for self-care? (eating, sleeping, clean)
• Are they filled with rage or anger?
• Are they expressing suicidal thoughts or a desire to physically harm themselves or others? If so, this is beyond your scope. It’s important to know when to refer individuals to other programs.

Should the person pass the pre-screening, then move on to discuss the expectations of the group and find out what the potential member expects. Explain that the group will have ground rules they develop and a discussion about expectations, but in general as a facilitator here are yours:

• Commitment to attend sessions and to be on time
• Respect guidelines as discussed by the group (e.g. no interrupting when someone else is speaking)
• Refrain from giving advice or solutions (what worked for you may not work for someone else). Participants may be asked to give feedback.
• Respect that others may be in a different place than you are in the journey of recovery (e.g. you may no longer have anger, but another may be struggling to move beyond this stage). It doesn’t mean they are not doing the work – it means they are at a different place than you are.
• May be given homework or an assignment to work on between sessions
• May be given a task (e.g. make coffee, be a buddy to someone in the group)
• Must refrain from disruptive/ abusive language and behaviours
• Be respectful when speaking with others

Photo Credit: Posterize:http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1665

The Aftermath of Murder

Losing someone you love is never easy. There have been times, both professionally and personally, when my breath was taken away by the circumstances in which loss occurred. Murder is one type of death that catapults the survivors into an extraordinary grief journey.

I experienced the aftermath of murder when my brother-in-law was killed by his roommate. Dale was a vibrant, good-looking, fun-loving 23 year-old whose brilliant future was snuffed out in one insane moment. Ironically, I wanted to call him the night before he died to tell him that I was pregnant but didn't. I decided to wait until morning so that my husband, who was working afternoons, could also speak with him. He was killed by a single gunshot to the head at the break of dawn. The only peace of mind we had was that Dale was sound asleep when the gun discharged. Thankfully he didn’t hear the person enter his room because he had fallen asleep wearing stereo headphones.

My husband’s parents died when he was a teenager so we, along with a younger brother, were next of kin and instantaneously plunged into a world of legal chaos. What complicated it even more was that we had to adapt to the role of ‘family of the victim’ which was quite different for my husband who was a peace officer 24/7. His position in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police afforded us no special treatment or extra information. We had to move through the system kicking and screaming for answers like any other family. We had to deal with a complicated estate, including the sale of Dale's house, which he owned jointly with his younger brother and the man who killed him. None of it was easy and all of it took a toll on both of us.

Weeks after his death, I threatened to miscarry and was hospitalized. My husband was ‘pressured’ and yes, I do mean pressured to return to work in the small detachment he had been posted to for two years. This was over 30 years ago and the police force didn’t offer much in the way of counselling or even monitoring an officer who was under extreme stress. Their catch-all solution was to get back to work as soon as possible and stay busy. Mix this with raising a near two-year old and living some 300 miles away from my family and 14 hours away from where the investigation and murder trial was to take place and it spelled disaster. It was also the perfect scenario to delay our grief responses, especially for my husband. He couldn’t cope with what had happened and all of the chaos gave him reason to avoid his feelings of helplessness and despair.

Three weeks before I delivered our baby, friends informed us that the trial was going ahead… the next day. We could not attend as it was hundreds of miles away, so my husband called the Crown Prosecutor to order a transcript of the trial. He asked how long the trial would take… as in how many days or weeks. He was told two hours. The Crown had struck a deal with the roommate. If he plead guilty he would get ‘not guilty by reason of insanity.’ Sure enough, the trial went before judge and jury the next day. It lasted less than two hours. The defence instructed the jury to bring back the verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity as did the prosecutor, as did the judge. The jury deliberated for eleven minutes and brought back the verdict as instructed. We were angry and frustrated. Moreover, we believed the trial was a mockery.

The point of telling my readers all of this is to demonstrate how the grief process for the victim’s family and loved ones can be derailed and delayed for a long time, if not  indefinitely. The quest for justice is all consuming. The fight for the deceased person’s honour is fierce. The circumstances surrounding the death (how they died, were they aware, did they suffer, etc.) becomes something you eat and breath.

I would like to tell you that we found our way through the heartbreak. I would like to say that my husband found the strength and courage to slay the demons that scarred his heart so deeply. I’d like to say that the experience of losing his mom when he was 14 years old and his dad when he was 17 gave him the tools he needed to move beyond the death of his brother. I can’t. What I can tell you is that his wounds were so deep and so raw that the unresolved grief of his parents’ deaths, which festered below the surface, snowballed and took the grief of his brother’s death to astronomical proportions.

Our baby girl was born and the gift of two sweet children gave us both comfort and hope. And the needs of our little family gave him more reason to push aside the sorrow he lived with. So what happened?  His broken heart took him down the path that millions of others on a similar journey take. He drank too much. He smoked too much. He refused to talk about it with me or anyone else.  Eventually, he pushed the limits of sacredness and entered into a brief affair with my younger sister.

You can imagine my disbelief (and anger) when the counsellors (three in fact) told me that the affair really had nothing to do with me. It was all about the war within himself to avoid the pain of losing those he loved that pushed him to become part of a situation that could force the ultimate loss… that of his wife and children. Subconsciously, he feared that everyone would leave him so he created situations to make it happen.  I know some of you will think this was an excuse. Believe me - I had to work through it myself. Forgiveness didn’t come easily for me, nor did rebuilding the trust. But at some level, I understood there had to be some truth to this. So began my 11 year search for meaning to understand my loss and his. In the end, I came to accept that the aftermath of his brother’s murder and the unresolved grief of losing his parents were in fact, at the base of his self-destruction. Was my husband a bad person? No, he was wounded. I know you're wondering...sorry, I can't speak to my sister's part in it. I can only say that I never understood it.

Sadly, my husband’s story mirrors that of millions who do not, or are not given a safe, nurturing environment to do the work of mourning. When we struggle to survive the aftermath of brutality and the ending of a loved one’s life at the hands of another, we need extra help. We need extra time. We need extra understanding. If you have never walked this path it’s extremely difficult to fully appreciate the magnitude of suffering it brings to those left behind.

God speed to families and friends who have endured this kind of loss and who are living with the aftermath of murder. It is a painful journey and my wish is that peace and comfort is one day yours.

Photo Credit: Simon Howden
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=404

Reflective Listening

Reflective listening is a therapeutic skill rooted in the work of Carl Roger’s, a psychologist who revolutionized psychotherapy with his client-centered approach. Although this skill is highly effective in a counselling situation, it is also applicable to everyday situations. That does not mean it is easy to do – it does take practice and initially, it may even feel awkward to do.

Reflective listening is all about the person who is speaking and not about the person who is listening. It’s our basic human nature to want to give advice, to offer solutions, and to guide the person to do what we think is best for them. The foundation of Roger’s approach is the belief that the person (speaker) has the ability for self-insight, problem-solving and personal growth. The client (or the speaker) holds the wisdom and knowledge of what is best for them … they need the opportunity to express and explore their feelings so they can determine the best solution for them. The listener’s role is then really that of facilitating the process to explore the person’s feelings and support their decision.

The goal of reflective listening is to respond to the speaker’s feelings, especially any negative and unpleasant feelings. When the listener responds to the person’s negative and unpleasant feelings it actually gives the speaker permission to explore and work through those feelings. They may never have had permission to do this before. Of course, the listener can only do this if they remain free of judgement and apply the skill properly.

Reflective or active listening requires:

Empathy – the person feels with the person rather than feels for the person, which is sympathy

Acceptance – the listener does not judge the speaker or the speaker’s feelings

Congruence – the listener must be genuine, yet open and frank with the speaker

Concreteness – the listener helps the speaker to focus on specifics rather than on the vague and abstract

As you can see, reflective listening is a skill (and an art) but I believe everyone can learn how to do this and apply it to their everyday relationships. Imagine how much conflict could be resolved if every person mastered the art of reflective listening.

Photo Credit: Ambro http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499