Heart Vs. Head

The work of grieving and mourning is heart work not head work!

When we stay in our heads while grieving, we over analyze our feelings or dismiss them. We fall prey to the myth that time should heal all and we should just get over what has happened to us.

Grieving and mourning are heart work. This means staying with your heart, albeit broken, and feeling what you need to feel for however long that you need to feel it. I have said this before; however, it is something that I repeat often…”It is not time that heals all, but rather it is what we do with the time that will heal us.”

In the early days of grief, it is important to just be. Don’t worry about what to do next or how you will get there… just be. Pace yourself. Let yourself rest, even if you can’t sleep. Drink plenty of water and take in small meals to keep your energy up.

A broken heart needs to heal in its own way and its own time.

Loss During the Holidays

Although each of us wishes the holidays to not be marred by tragedy it is something we don’t necessarily have control over. It is the unthinkable and the unexplainable … that something awful could happen to someone we love at such a wonderful time of year.

Our grandmother died the week before Christmas one year. My mother’s second husband also died only days before Christmas. I know different people who have lost loved ones on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. Others have experienced the death of a loved one between Christmas and New Year’s. And others have endured loss on their birthday, wedding anniversary or soon after a baby was born. It’s very difficult to embrace these holidays in the future when the anniversary of a death is hovering.

A common response is “I’m never going to celebrate my birthday again.” “Christmas is meaningless now so why even bother.” These  feelings are real and understandable; however, my hope is that as people do the work of mourning they will come to see that in stopping themselves from enjoying life only keeps them stuck in their sorrow… it doesn’t bring the person back and it doesn’t keep you from remembering that they are gone. It only keeps you from experiencing joy again.

In my healing, I have come to accept that my grandparents, father, mother, brother, and husband all lived until the moment they died. They lived. We don’t get to choose when people will die, how they will die, or where we will be at in the journey of life with them when they die. We only get to choose to survive. Moreover, ask yourself this… “Would my (mom, dad, brother, sister, grandmother, grandfather, friend) want me to stop living because they have died?” “Would they want me to be sad and unhappy forever?” I can’t imagine they would have.

If you are among the millions who have experienced the death of a loved on a holiday or special celebration in your life, take time to remember your loved one and the love you have for them. Reach out to others who shared the experience with you... hug each other and appreciate that you have the comfort of one another and precious memories to carry you through.

Make a point this year of connecting with others who are vibrant and joyous. Find a reason to smile and love… do it in your loved one's honour and do it for you.

Christmas Memories

Holiday memories can be both happy and sad. In general, memories can bring us joy or they can trigger pain. The happy memories are easy to deal with, but the painful ones can unleash a host of feelings and emotions.

If you have unhappy holiday memories, find a way that works for you to reconcile the feelings you have. Others won’t necessarily understand. In fact, their reaction may be more of frustration with you – after all that was years ago, you should be over it – sound familiar? While you may feel slighted by their response to you, try to take it as feedback. Ask yourself some questions:

• Do you find yourself feeling irritated as the holidays approach because of negative memories?
• What do you do to dissipate the feelings you have of unhappy times? Do you attempt to stuff your feelings away or try to ignore them? If so, ask others if you have been successful in doing so. You likely will be surprised by the answer.

Sometimes people think that in stuffing their feelings away or in ignoring them that in fact, they go away. They don’t. You may believe that these unhappy memories and negative emotions don’t have an effect on you. I am willing to bet you’re wrong. That’s why I suggest you ask others for some feedback. They may see sadness in you. Or find you short-tempered, irritable or generally nasty to be around. If that’s the case, don’t despair… now you are aware.

If you have unresolved issues from the past and these negatively impact you during the holidays, honour yourself by taking time to work through them and resolve the issues once and for all. Speaking with a counsellor or social worker will be of benefit to help you find the solutions that are best for you. This isn’t the kind of work that you can easily do with family or friends… often they don’t understand how something from the past can hold a grip on someone years later.

The important thing to remember is these are your issues. Nobody can do the work but you. It won’t be pleasant but one thing I know for sure is that if you do the work you will be released from the past and can begin living in the present. The unhappy memories you have of holidays in the past do not have to be the measure for the holidays now or in the future. You can have the holidays you desire (and deserve)... you may have to do some work... but you can create the change you want to see.

Be Selfish ~ Do Something Nice for Yourself

I know we are raised to NOT be selfish, but sometimes that is exactly what is needed. I have written many times about the exhausting grief process. And, we know how exhausting the holiday season can be so for the bereaved, they may feel it even more so.

Between now and the holidays, choose one day that you claim for just you. Use it as a ‘mental health’ day; a time to rejuvenate body, mind and soul. It’s okay to plan something with a friend; however, if you think you can do it, I would recommend going solo. That doesn’t mean that you have to isolate yourself, but minimizing distractions (shopping) or chatting with others won’t give you the break that is needed.

It may take some planning if you do not live alone and you may not have the ability to claim 24 hours to yourself. If that is reflective of your situation, claim at least four hours. Choose a time when your spouse or partner is working and when the children are in school. If your children are not school age, then make arrangements with a trusted relative or friend to babysit, explaining to them that you really need to take some time for yourself. If you cannot be in solitude in your home, then leave everyone else at home and you go someplace where you can experience silence and time with yourself.

Here are some suggestions:

In Your Own Home:

• Arrange to be home alone
• Turn off the telephone (land line and cell phone) – notify those who may worry about you that you are taking some time be quiet and reflective and ensure them you will contact them when you turn the phones back on
• Leave the television and radio off. Music is fine; however a radio station will be distracting with commercials and chatter.
• Have a supply of tissue, herb teas, and light foods on hand
• Plan to wear your most comfortable clothing ~ perhaps treat yourself to  new pair of pyjamas to lounge in all day
• Light the fire place or keep a soft comforter/blanket on hand
• Keep a notebook or journal  close by to record any reflections or thoughts you may have
• Read a book or magazines
• Daydream
• Draw or paint
• Play a musical instrument
• You do not have to ‘think’ ~ allow your thoughts to come to you. Reflect, sleep, and/or meditate
• Feel what you need to feel
• Before connecting with your loved ones, have a nice warm bath or shower, get dressed in a favourite outfit that makes you feel ‘alive’
• Smile and know that you just did something very special for yourself

If You Need to go Outside Your Home

• Make arrangements for your family and trust they will be taken care of. You have not abandoned them, you are just taking a mini-break
• Take a cell phone but turn it off. Let people know they can leave a message ad you will check your voicemail once or twice during the outing (and stick to it)
• Take a pen and journal or notebook with you to record any thoughts or reflections
• Borrow a friend’s house for the day while they are working; ask them to turn their telephone off so you won’t be disturbed
• Go to places that offer quiet and an opportunity to reflect (church, museum, walk a labyrinth, a park, lake or ocean, walking or hiking trails)
• Draw or paint
• Go to a spa (just politely let the staff know that you going to rest and not engage in conversation) and enjoy a steam bath, massage, facial, manicure or pedicure
• Go swimming at a local rec centre – take in a hot tub
• Work out at the gym

Before you go home and reconnect with your family, think about them and begin to shift your thoughts from that of solitude to that of reconnecting. Stop at the grocery store and pick up simple foods for dinner and plan on playing a board game or watching a movie together to reconnect as a family.

Photo Credit: Federico Stevanin

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=149

Comfort Food

We all have our favourite comfort foods. It may be your mom’s mac ‘n cheese or grandma’s chocolate cake. It may be your father’s potato pancakes or your grandfather’s spaghetti. It doesn’t matter… these foods and the memories of those who prepared them give you comfort and in your eyes (and taste buds) nobody can make them as well as that special person did.

One of our family favourites was my mom’s Tomato Soup Cake. Yes, it actually has tomato soup in it. Our children grew up thinking it was just a spice cake. It’s gently spiced with cloves and cinnamon. It’s moist and yummy. Moreover… it was one of her favourite desserts and now ours. My younger daughter requested it for her birthday cake this year (December 17^th) so I will happily make it for her, knowing that not only is it a comforting cake, but a feeling of her grandmother will  be present during the celebration.  

The holidays are a perfect time to make a comfort food that reminds you of a loved one who is no longer here. Why not? I have a friend who makes BBQ spareribs every Christmas Eve. She doesn’t do this because they are her favourite. She does it because it reminds her of her mom.

Is there a favourite dish that reminds you of someone special who is no longer with you?  Why not make that dish during the holidays? Or incorporate it right into the main holiday dinner. You don’t have to tell people why you are making it… it’s just a way to wrap yourself in an angelic hug from your loved one.

Bah Hum Bug!

I love this picture of my grandsons! Although they were not able to verbalize what they were feeling, I could sense they had just had enough and were thinking… “Don’t you get it?” Apart from the humour in it, it reminds me of how I felt in the early days after my husband’s funeral.

Gerry was buried on October 30^th so within hours of stores selling out of costumes and candy, the shelves were all decked out for the holidays. Tinsel, tree skirts, sparkly ornaments, candy canes, and anything else that was glittery and gold was now the prominent theme. Don’t get me wrong – I love Christmas! It’s a big time of year for me and from mid-November on I am decorating, shopping, baking, planning, and sending cards. However, in 1990, the last thing I wanted was to be anywhere that even remotely promoted a fat man and his twelve reindeer.

We moved to a new house three weeks before Christmas. I thought that would help to negate any visual reminders that he wasn’t coming home. I also thought it would help with the holidays as it was a year to transition some of the traditions he did to others (e.g. carving the turkey). Although it helped with not expecting to see him standing on the front steps when I came home, it didn’t help with the holidays. I definitely didn’t feel like I could do the usual hype that I had always done.

We did have Christmas that year. I cooked the traditional dinner and we surrounded ourselves with family and friends. What was interesting is that the ‘dread’ only preceded Christmas – on the actual day my children woke up with the same anticipation and excitement and I quickly got caught up in it. We missed him and the three of us huddled around the tree opening our stockings wasn’t the same without him. He always played Santa and handed out the gifts; that year I had to. That really wasn’t the same.

I went ahead with the festivities for my children and nieces and nephews. I didn’t do it for me. I, along with my mom and siblings and their spouses, made an effort to make it as pleasant and comfortable a day as possible. We talked about Gerry. We shared stories and we laughed and cried. But mostly, we remembered and treasured the memories. As the day went on, we all came to see that it was getting to the holiday that was so difficult. On the actual day, we just allowed ourselves to feel what we needed to feel and to be together without harbouring any grandiose expectations. Although my sense of sorrow sat heavily on my shoulders that Christmas day, the feeling of Bah Hum Bug subsided as the joy and wonder withing the children bubbled forth.

If this is your first Christmas without a loved one, it is going to be difficult. But you don’t have to miss out on it, unless you are sure that you really want to. It’s okay to do it differently and to maybe have it somewhere different than you normally do. The most important thing to remember is that your loved one would want you to be happy. You have the rest of your life to live and although you may feel there isn’t much to live for right now, I encourage you to surround yourself with others who understand what you are going through and who will allow you to feel what you need to feel on Christmas Day.

Most importantly, hug yourself... you are doing the best you can.

Daddy’s Gone

It was early December 1990 when the girls and I took possession of our new home after their dad died. I remember this crushing feeling as I returned to our home to meet the movers who had been there the day before to pack and coming to load everything into the truck. It was first time that I had been alone inside the house since he died.

I stood inside the doors looking at the boxes stacked two and three high. I realized that not only was I packing up my adult life with this move, I was packing up half of my life (I was 17 years old when we met and 34 when he died). It was lost, empty feeling. I made my way to the living room and sat down. I hadn’t heard the radio when I came into the house but suddenly I tuned in; the movers must have left it on from the day before.

A slow country song was playing. I don’t know who sang it or the title of it. I only caught a few lines… “Daddy’s gone but Christmas must go on. The little one’s need the memories.” The words connected with my soul… it was as though their father was speaking right to me. Christmas is my favourite time of year and I had been struggling with facing it without him.

We did have Christmas that year… in our new home. I invited family and friends and made the day as calm, peaceful and joyful as I could. Everyone who joined us went the extra mile to make sure that our daughters had the best day they could in light of it being the first Christmas without their dad.

Over two decades have passed and now we pass on the traditions and memories to our grandsons in his honour. Yes, the holidays always bring the reminder that he is no longer here. But it also brings us opportunities to share stories about him, to remember him, and to give thanks that we have one another.

Photo Credit: Susie B
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=179