Loss of Intimacy When Grieving

It is not uncommon for couples to experience a loss of intimacy when grieving the loss of a loved one. There are several factors for this:

·         The relationship each person had with the deceased. Was this their child? A parent? An in-law? A close friend of one of the partners?

·         Spiritual/ religious beliefs – it’s normal to search for meaning after a loss and this could include exploring/re-evaluating our beliefs. As each partner in the relationship moves through the process, if they have strong and shared beliefs, they may be at odds with one another should one of them question or doubt their religious beliefs and the other one doesn’t.

·         What was the relationship like with the person who died? Was it close? Fragmented? Were there unresolved issues between the deceased and one or both partners? And of course, if this is the loss of a child, the sorrow is profound for both parents.

·         What are the coping skills of each person to work through the process of loss? Remember, we tend to grieve and mourn the way our parents and grandparents did. If they way they handled a loss was not effective, then it likely won’t be effective for you to do it that way either. The blessing is that we get to choose for ourselves now… if you need to do things differently than the way your parents and grandparents did, then do so.

The obvious, but often overlooked issue is that men and women think and feel differently about intimacy and sex. This was a startling reality for me after my brother-in-law was murdered. My husband and I had to leave our infant daughter with my parents and traveled over 400 miles to his funeral. The morning of his funeral, my husband woke up in the hotel with one thing on his mind… sex. For him it was a way of coping and in part, he saw this as a ‘time away’ without a baby that allowed for us to share some intimacy. For me… sex was the last thing on my mind and I struggled to understand how he had any desire when we were hours away from burying his younger brother. Did I ever figure it out? No. I struggled to understand for a long time how men and women could be so different at a time like that and as time passed, I learned of other couples who had suffered a loss and shared a similar intimacy experience.

Intimacy between partners is normal and vital to a relationship. A significant loss in one’s life tends to dismantle our ability to function day-to-day, and intimacy is one of the areas that can be affected. At some point however, a couple will need to reintegrate intimacy into their relationship. Here are some suggestions that may be of help:

1.    Keep in mind that men and women respond to life situations differently. A woman may completely shut off any need for physical contact and a man may not. This can be the reverse as well.

2.    Loss immerses a person into an incredible amount of stress. When this happens, we can be short with others in our life and become negative about all the little things that really bother us. These negative thoughts can become negative statements and result in chipping away at the relationship.

3.    When the loss is shared, each person experiences the loss differently and expresses their sorrow differently. Given that in a relationship, a couple is the main source of support for one another, it may be difficult to be supportive or nurturing to the other person when you have nothing to give.

4.    It’s important to recognize that each of you (if the loss is shared) or one of you (if the loss is of importance to only one partner) may not be functioning in the same way that you had prior to the loss. Life is may filled with chaos. The person may not be sleeping or eating well and this affects their well-being too and their ability to respond to the needs of another.

5.    Allow some space in the relationship in the early days of grief; however, maintain some tenderness and affection without pressuring the other person to engage in sex.

6.    Maintain communication with one another and allow each of you to express your feelings without judging.

7.    Focus on positive thoughts for the other person. Even if you choose one small thing that helps you to remember why you fell in love with them will help to ease the tension and bring you closer together.

8.    Understand that you are not alone and this is not uncommon. Seek professional help to open the lines of communication and/or to re-establish intimacy if necessary.

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Drugs and Alcohol Increase Suffering After Loss

Following a funeral or celebration of life, people often gather to share food and drink, which can include alcohol. It’s a tricky thing to do when emotions are running high and /or people have not been sleeping well and are out of routine. It’s always better to err on the side of caution when consuming alcohol during a fragile state. Monitor how much alcohol is being served and ensure people are not driving when they leave the gathering.

Even more dangerous is the ongoing use of drugs and alcohol to numb one’s suffering. As the time passes, a person displaying this behaviour will begin to use chemicals and/or drink more and more each day. This can lead to out of control behaviour, destroying relationships personally and professionally, and major mental and physical health issues. If you are receiving feedback from loved ones that you are consuming too much or that they are aware of drug use, it’s important for you to receive some help. If a family member or friend is struggling to support an individual with this issue, they need to seek help as well.

In avoiding the work of grieving and mourning by attempting to mask feelings of loss, I assure you that the issue will NOT go away. It will do you and others in your life far more harm.

For support or information drugs and alcohol use, Narcotics Anonymous www.na.org, Alcoholics Anonymous www.aa.org or Al-Anon at www.al-anon.org.

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Minimizing Grief is like a Spinning a Spider's Web

“I’m fine.” “Everything is back to normal.” “I was down for a day or two, but it passed.” These statements are used by someone who is denying their pain or sorrow. They are pushing away their grief with the intent that if they don’t make a big deal out of it, it will all go away. Wrong. Minimizing your grief is really pretending that nothing bothers you about someone who left you or died. Much like a spider’s web, this dangerous behaviour can go unnoticed for a while and then suddenly you find yourself wrapped up in the middle of it with no way out.

I was guilty of this when my brother, Brian died. We were very close and his death was devastating to me as it was for others, especially his wife and three children. Because he had a family and because my mom was still alive, I did everything I could to minimize how I felt. It just didn’t seem right for me to call attention to myself… after all his family and mother were suffering terribly. In my mind… I was only his little sister.

What happened to me happens to many individuals who attempt to deflect their pain. My body forced me to stop and pay attention. Within months of his death, I developed a large mass on an ovary and was hospitalized for emergency surgery. In the hospital I contracted a brutal pneumonia that kept me flat on my back for weeks. Well, what do you think happens when you are forced to stay put for days on end? That’s right, you think.

All of my grief pushed forward in those weeks. It was like a dam broke and I was floundering in an ocean of emotion. There was no escaping my broken heart then. In order to survive, I had to do the work of grieving and mourning. I learned something valuable from that experience. I learned that we survive much better if we are proactive in our sorrow than if we are forced to be reactive. I am honest when I say that my husband’s unexpected death the next year was far easier for me to cope with. Not because I loved him less, but because I knew that I had to do it differently.

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United States Unemployment could result in Displaced Grief

Earlier this month, the U.S. Department of Labor reported  that 14.0 million Americans are unemployed and the unemployment rate has held at 9.1 percent. Losing a job has tremendous impact on an individual and their family. The added stress of trying to pay rent or a mortgage, pay the monthly bills and feed or clothe children on little or no money is significant. That’s the obvious part. The not so obvious part is that a job loss is a loss and a person will experience real grief.

The added stress and worry of job loss can make a person edgy, distractible, fearful, and depressed. It’s not uncommon for an individual to displace these emotional responses by directing their strong feelings towards other things or people in their life. If you are getting feedback from others that you are acting in a way that projects your unhappiness on them (i.e. blame, sharp tone, impatience, anger etc.) don’t dismiss it, take heed. If not, you may find your relationships begin to suffer and/or come to an end.

Be aware of your feelings and find safe, appropriate ways to express them. Communicate with your spouse or partner about the anxiety you feel because they are probably feeling the same way. Seeking support from someone outside your family (e.g. clergy, trusted friend, colleague, job coach etc.) will also help you to work through these feelings, which are real and normal given the employment circumstances that you are faced with.

As difficult as it may be, try to find something positive to think about every day. The more positive thoughts you have, the more likely you will be to attract positive people into your life.  And with positive people, comes postive opportunities, which translates often into a new job offer.

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Is Your Chronic Pain Actually Somaticized Grief?

The Institute of Medicine recently reported that nearly 1/3 of all Americans (116 million) live with chronic pain. Chronic pain can include joint pain, stomach aches and headaches and the impact it can have on an individual’s day-to-day life cannot be dismissed. Not all chronic pain is related to grieving; however, it does have the ability to present itself in physical discomfort.

Somaticized grief is a clinical term referring to one’s feelings of grief being converted to physical symptoms. Grief can manifest in physical discomforts. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, of the Centre for Loss and Life Transitions teaches that these discomforts can range from minor aches and pains to major chronic pain and ailments that have no organic basis. He also teaches that physical discomfort is a normal response on the grief journey; however, when the symptoms become persistent and intense, the person may be converting their feelings of sorrow to physical ailments. When this happens, they become so consumed with their problems that they are not able to do the work of grieving and mourning. This then becomes a way to avoid their feelings of grief and signals some concern. I don’t want to imply this is intentional, because people are doing the best they can under the circumstances and they may not even be aware of how they are converting their sorrow.

The danger is that if one avoids their grief indefinitely then reconciliation of their loss is impossible and therefore, the journey never ends.

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The Internet and Complicated Grief

What do grief and the internet have in common? For starters, both grief and the internet can be overwhelming. As well, CNN reported there are nearly one trillion pages on the internet. That’s a lot of information presented in a lot of different ways! Grief is like that too… it presents itself in many ways. Every person impacted by loss will have a different experience on the grief journey and for some it may become complicated.

A variety of factors may contribute to complicating a person’s grief. How and when the person died could be a factor. Was it sudden and unexpected? Was it a suicide or murder? The relationship between the person who died and those left behind may also contribute to complicating the journey. Were there unresolved issues? Was the bereaved extremely close to the person, or were they highly dependent on them?

Self-medicating with drugs and alcohol will complicate the journey too, although the person using them may feel it helps to numb or suppress their feelings around the loss. Not only does this complicate the grief journey but it also compromises one’s health.
Grief impacts on us on every level: body, mind and soul. Naturally, the responses we have are varied and can be intense at times. It doesn’t mean that everyone’s experience is complicated or that they need professional help. A measurement to use is if the person’s symptoms are prolonged, excessive or extreme… then seeking guidance from an experienced professional is advised.

Complicated grief presents itself in different forms. In the next few blogs, I will write about some of the ways it can present in those suffering a loss.

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StarTribune reports on Families Postponing Funerals

Postponing grief is not that uncommon. It’s not healthy, in my opinion, but it’s not uncommon. In fact, the StarTribune recently ran an online article about families postponing their loved one’s funeral or memorial service for several reasons. Sometimes it is because they are busy (e.g. vacation planned) or because they want to tie it into a special date for their loved one (i.e. birthday). And sometimes they want to put it off until they feel they can handle it.

Death does not happen at an opportune time – for anyone. Reconciling loss is not easy – it’s hard work. Postponing the grieving process will not make it any easier. I can speak from experience... if you hold your sorrow at bay, when you do unleash the pain, it is like a dam breaking! If the person who suffered the loss is postponing their grief, they are being self-destructive. If others are attempting to postpone a person from grieving they are jeopardizing the person’s well-being.  The unintended consequence is that the grief journey may never end.

Funerals and services serve great purpose in bringing together a support network for the bereaved and allows them a safe, nurturing environment to express their sorrow. By all means, plan a celebration of the person’s life at what would have been their next birthday. Just don’t confuse yourself thinking that waiting several months down the road to acknowledge the loss will be any easier, because I guarantee it won’t.

To read the online article, visit: http://www.startribune.com/local/117558463.html

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