Grieving in the Public Eye

Grieving and mourning the loss of a child is extremely complicated and agonizing. Celebrities who lose a child, like other grieving parents, have a long, painful and lonely road to walk. The difference is they are doing so under the watchful eye of an adoring public. How do they cope?

The grief process is not time specific nor is it predictable or orderly.  Individuals may mourn the loss of their loved one for months and likely, years, to come. To resolve one’s grief and integrate the loss into his or her life requires turning within, reflecting on life and the memories we treasure. Although the bereaved require supports and social contact during their healing, the grief journey is a personal and private passage.

Celebrities have their fans support to take the time they need to grieve the death of a loved one – at first that is!  The reality is that eventually family, friends and co-workers and in a celebrity's case – his or her fans – will hold an expectation that they must “get over it” and move on.  No one “gets over” their loss. But one can reconcile their loss and integrate it into their life and then move forward. It takes great courage and strength to pause life and adequately work through sorrow – but it must be done.  In fact, it is critical to one’s healing.

Losing a child is an immeasurable loss for parents. There isn’t one of us who would not give up our own life in favor of our child keeping his or hers. While the endings are not ours to write – the gift of unconditional support is ours to give. That is the least we can offer those who suffer the loss of a loved one -- including celebrities. Everyone needs time to heal.

TO DIE IN SERVICE

On October 19, 2010, two Canadian paramedics died after their ambulance left the road and went down a steep embankment plunging into approximately 30 feet of water.  The paramedics, a man and a woman, were veterans in the industry, dedicating over two decades to service. Their deaths will have significant impact on their families, friends, colleagues and the community at large.

Although we pay great honor to those who die in service, the pain of losing a loved one lingers beyond the funeral and public dedication. For years to come, the families who are left behind will travel a long and unpredictable grief journey. They will seek comfort in their precious memories and struggle to make sense of why the death of their loved one happened when it did and in the way it did.  

The grieving families of Canadian and U.S. military personnel, who have died in Iraq and in previous wars, also understand the heartbreak of losing a loved one unexpectedly. Likewise, the families of police officers, firemen, sheriffs, correction officers, and other professionals who lost their life “on the job” can empathize with such sorrow. There is immense pride in knowing that your loved one died while serving his or her community and country. On the other hand, the wound of suddenly losing a father or mother, son or daughter, sister or brother, is deep and not easy to heal.

In addition to their suffering, the sorrow experienced by the surviving families is often compounded by several factors. First of all, there is the fact that we remain a dismissive and mourning-avoidant culture grounded in this assumption . . . “people will get over what has happened to them with time.” Society is tolerant for only so long before falsely expecting that people should have the ability to leave behind their pain and return to be the person they were before tragedy struck. The grief process doesn’t work that way. For starters… it’s a process… not a time-specific event. Even if we could limit the days we grieve, the truth is that time doesn’t heal a broken heart; rather, it is what we do with the time that brings healing.

Another compounding factor for the survivors is that the person who died is the family’s “gatekeeper” to an exclusive community (i.e. their profession of choice). After the person dies, the inclusion to this community often wanes and is even denied. It isn’t that the colleagues of their loved ones don’t remember, or don’t want to include them. The reality is that the relationship takes on different parameters and the unintended, but natural consequence of the worker’s death, is that the deceased person’s family no longer fits within that structure. This isn’t to say that “personal” friendships won’t remain intact. Often they do. What it does mean is that the day-to-day connections, social functions, and camaraderie is no longer available to them. This is another loss experienced by those left behind and can result in feelings of disappointment, abandonment, anger, and profound sadness.

What do we need to keep in mind when reaching out to these families? It’s critical they receive short-term and long-term supports. These supports can be formal (e.g. individual or family counseling, support groups) or informal gatherings with friends and family. The key is that the supports are non-judgmental, consistent and in place for however long the individual or family are in need. When offering support, being aware of the layers of loss that people experience when a loved one dies, is crucial. Knowing that a person may feel “cut off” from the community they were once immersed in can assist in initiating an open discussion so supporters can actually “normalize” the experience for the grieving person. By normalizing the experience, survivors can begin to understand the changes in their relationship with their love one’s work community and not take it personally.

For colleagues, the grief journey takes on an added twist. Many will search for meaning and begin to evaluate their career. Is this job worth the risk?  How can I work with another partner? What’s going to happen to me?  These too, are normal questions and experiences. Nonetheless, workers need to be allowed time to suspend life, turn inward and explore their pain to determine their own answers. They also need supports for however long they need it – not on a predetermined schedule.  

The grief process is complicated, unpredictable, and life-changing. While those who die in service are recognized as being brave and honorable, and rightfully so, let’s not overlook the tremendous void permanently left in the lives of those who loved them. When reaching out to support them, do so with a “teach me” attitude. Allow them to show you how this loss has impacted their life. Empathize and understand, but do not direct the journey for them. Moreover, remember that the only wrong way to grieve is to not grieve! Be there for them – for however long that they need you. Your time and unconditional support are precious gifts – offer both freely.

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WHEN HOPE IS ALL YOU HAVE

Hope is defined as a feeling or a desire for a positive outcome. At times, our sense of hope is backed with an expectation that whatever it is we are wanting is indeed attainable. Other times, our hope for something is more of a wish and often, undermined by a fear that the end result is unachievable.

In addition to being a feeling, desire, or wish, hope is also the force or power behind change. It can give an individual the strength and courage to do what seems impossible. It can transform communities. And, it can bring a nation to its knees in prayer.

Today, the world watches and celebrates the rescue of 33 Chilean miners after being trapped beneath 700,000 tons of rock for more than two months. Remarkably, no one died from the collapse and although there are health concerns, the miners appear to be in good shape. No one has ever survived this long after being trapped underground. It is truly a miracle!

So what kept these miners and their loved ones going until a rescue mission could be underway? It is the same thing that has kept families and friends going until they are reunited with their loved one serving in the military overseas. It is the same thing that mothers and fathers with missing children hold on to and use to command themselves to get out of bed every day even if years have passed since seeing their child. It is the same thing that a person uses to overcome personal tragedy and life-threatening illness. It is that intangible thing called hope.

On the flipside, without hope a person gives up on themselves and everyone around them. Hopelessness can propel an individual to homelessness, a destructive lifestyle and even suicide. Without a sense that something positive will come from one’s tears, hard work, soul searching or prayers, a person will remain trapped in their pain and sorrow. Imagine what difference could be made if those who have given up were “spoon-fed” a grain of hope each and every day! It is true, not all of them would turn their life around, but some of them would and that’s worth taking a chance on.

The next time you use the word hope, really take in its meaning and endless possibilities. Whenever given the opportunity, pass “hope” on to others through your thoughts, words and actions. Never doubt its unseen power. Believe and know in your heart that when hope is all you have, it’s everything!

REAL MEN CRY ... AND WHY THEY SHOULD

A broken heart can happen to anyone – even men!  The world witnessed this firsthand when John Travolta and his wife lost their beloved son, Jett in January 2009. His death provides cruel proof that bereavement, grief and loss impacts both genders, every culture, and pays no heed to social status.

The grieving families of the 4,316 members of the U.S. military who died since the Iraq War began in March 2003 (as reported by the Associated Press, June 28, 2009) fully understand the Travolta’s heartbreak of losing a loved one unexpectedly. Likewise, the soldiers returning home with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), although experiencing grief in a different way, also understand the heartbreak that comes with loss.

To demonstrate on a global scale how many individuals are walking the grief journey, consider this: In four months, the “I hate goodbyes” Facebook page, which posted this question –Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye? – catapulted its fan base from 3,000 to 1.9 million![1] This speaks to significant heartbreak in the world today. In fact, heartbreak is a global epidemic. One may ask, “With all the material and resources available today, why has heartbreak escalated to that of epidemic proportion?” It has skyrocketed because we remain a dismissive and mourning-avoidant culture grounded in this assumption . . . “people will get over what has happened to them with time.”

Divorce and separation, trauma, chronic illness (e.g. Alzheimer disease) and even the downward spiral of the world economy are common loss experiences in this century.  All are a source of heartbreak and grief and if left unresolved can have profound and lingering effects, such as depression, relationship breakdown, substance abuse and even disease. Although the frequency in which these events occur have become commonplace, the anguish that emerges as a result is daunting and cannot be cast aside. There is no way around the pain – one can only go through it to get to the other side.

A broken heart is most often associated with death. But when given the opportunity to reflect on the different ways that we may encounter loss, people realize that even in the absence of a physical death, they have endured a loss, or multiple losses of some kind, or supported someone through the grief process. For some, this awareness turns their world upside down. Like a dam breaking, unreconciled grief spills into every area of their life, causing deep confusion and the inability to comprehend how an event from the past could wreak such havoc in the present. Long-forgotten grief and sorrow often festers below the surface, eating insidiously away at one’s self-esteem.

It is true that a person can die from a broken heart. More often than not though, they live. From the center of their pain stems this critical question, “How will I survive?” It is not our responsibility to answer that question. It is our responsibility to understand that the road they are traveling is long, unpredictable, and deeply painful.  Our commitment must be to be there with them for however long they need support and encouragement. Our work involves offering resources, safe environments to express their feelings of sorrow, and a relationship void of judgment. Moreover, we must offer them a sense of hope, because without hope, they will remain stuck in their pain.

For the grieving individuals and their families, it is their responsibility to do the work … and yes, that work involves tears – even for men!

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[1] Last retrieved on September 28, 2009 http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-hate-goodbyes-/84294019332?ref=ts