It’s been months since I wrote a blog. You may have wondered
where I’ve been. If it’s any consolation, I have wondered where I am too! I say
that with great sincerity. When we started 2012, I wrote that it was the first
time ever that I began the year with no goals or real plans. We are nine months
in and I still feel the same way and now we are into the final quarter – oh my!
2012 has been a year of transformation for so many people in
my life. I lost count of the friends who died… I think the last number was
eight. Some I had contact with - others not for a while. All left good memories
behind for me to enjoy.
My husband’s health continues to hang in the balance, which
is probably why I feel like I am living in “no man’s land.” The doctors are
sure about what the issues are, but not so sure about what to do or if they can
do anything. It continues to be a regime
of blood transfusions and iron infusions as he needs them. He has good days and
bad days. He putters around when he feels up to it and rests when he doesn’t.
We have not traveled and have no plans to do so – at this point, it’s just not
wise.
As for me, I feel like the year is one big foggy patch.
Everything looks one way but as we move forward it is something else entirely.
I can’t see too far in front of me and I am reluctant to make too many plans.
So far, almost all the plans that I did make have been changed. Flexibility and
detachment to outcome are key in my life right now.
My book Life
Losses: Healing for a Broken Heart has been untouched for months. It’s
not screaming at me to do anything… it’s just there, more of a disappointment
to me than anything. It’s been a burning desire for 15 years to write this book
and today… I cannot bring myself to delve into the work of editing or marketing
it. There is no pressure to complete it – it is my own sense of purpose,
believing that this message is what I came here to give. It may be the book is
not complete…. Just sayin’!
I continue to ‘walk with angels’ as I call it. Most days are
with Archangel Michael. He offers courage and strength and protection. I also
walk with Gabriel, who is the Messenger of God. I pray to Gabriel for healing
and guidance. Archangel Azrael is also a favorite walking companion. Azrael is
the Angel of Death, who not only brings comfort to the dying but also offers
guidance to grief counsellors. I am still providing counselling to families and
survivors coping with the outcome of brain injury so I needed the added help to separate my situation from theirs.
It was my birthday yesterday and a day for reflection. So
much of where I believed I was headed has changed. And honestly, like walking
in a fog, I can’t see the forest for the trees. I don’t say that in a ‘woe is
me’ frame of mind, it’s just acknowledging that I don’t think I am supposed to
see where I am headed right now. It’s not Eat, Pray, Love for me… it’s Breath,
Walk, Trust… what should be revealed - will
be revealed… in God’s time, not mine.
Peace and light.
