Ambiguous Grief

Ambiguous grief may be a term that you have never heard of. It refers to a continuous grief… a painful journey that goes on and on, with no ending in sight.

Friends and families coping with events where a body is not recovered may experience this. As an example, thousands of bodies in Japan remain missing since the recent 9.0 magnitude earthquake on March 11, 2011. Can you imagine the sorrow and torture their loved ones are going through? They know there was a major event and that likely their loved one is dead, but without the body… they may always question. This is not unlike families who have a soldier missing in action, or a son or daughter who may have been kidnapped or went mysteriously missing, never to be seen or heard from again.

Other reasons someone may experience ambiguous grief would be acquired brain injury where the person’s personality is significantly altered, and they no longer are the person they were prior to being injured. In essence, they are a complete stranger to their loved ones. Alzheimer’s, dementia and addictions are also responsible for holding family and loved ones hostage in this grief. The person sitting before your very eyes is not in any way the person you knew and there is significant loss with that reality; however, it’s not something you are invited to publicly mourn.

Ambiguous grief requires special attention. Those experiencing this type of sorrow may or may not receive consistent support. Has there been a death/ending to a relationship or not? Seeking professional advice from a counsellor with experience in this area is critical to moving forward. Participating in a support group where you can share your feelings and experiences with other who may be having a similar experience is also beneficial.

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More than a Band-Aid

Hearts are broken every day. It’s true…people can die from a broken heart, but more often than not, they live. As they move one foot in front of another, this one question burns inside, “How will I survive?”

Healing a broken heart is about more than putting a Band-Aid on it. It takes effort and that in itself is both emotionally and physically draining. People need support and acceptance to do the work in the timeframe it takes them to do it. Unlike a broken bone, or a stitched up laceration, a broken heart heals on its own time. And it is what we do during that time that truly facilitates the mending.

Here are some suggestions that you or another person can do when healing from a broken heart:

♥ Take time to reflect on what has happened so that you can fully understand the layers of loss that is being experienced.

♥ Surround yourself with those who will provide unconditional support and allow you to do the work without judgement or criticism

♥ Allow yourself to take a break from the sorrow. This is necessary to pace yourself… the journey is long and unpredictable.

♥ Remember it is okay to laugh.  Laughing is a magical healing element in itself. Laugh loud and often.

♥ Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are a natural cleansing for the body and act as an instant stress releaser.

♥ Reflect on memories and use them as a source of inspiration.

♥ Resist the urge to abandon hobbies, your work, or your social connections. It’s okay to slow it down, but don’t abandon it all together.

♥ Get up every day… even if you have  to force yourself. Shower, dress, and eat some breakfast.

♥ Sleep may  escape you. Understand that this is normal. Be sure to add in rest breaks throughout the day to supplement the bit of rest you got the night before.

♥ Even though you don’t feel like eating, take in small, light meals. Your mind,  body and soul need the nourishment.

♥ Move your body… dance, walk, ride a bike, swim… light exercise also reduces the stress.

♥ Love yourself!

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The Gift of Hope

I consider myself a “hope generator.” I believe that people need hope to do the things they need to do when recovering from loss and tragedy. Imparting hope to them isn’t as easy as it sounds. First of all, the person has to be ready to receive hope. If they can’t take it in, they won’t act upon it.  If they are ready to receive a sense of hope, the person “generating the hope” has to be very careful about how they do that. Giving someone hope has to be done by the “spoonful” and perhaps delivered in these small doses over a long time.

When supporting another on their grief journey there are things that communicate hope and other things that don’t. For example, if a young mother miscarries or has a still birth, refrain from saying, “At least you’re young. You can have another child.” If a young man or woman are widowed don’t say, “At least you are young. You will get married again.” Remember if what you are saying is not hopeful, I guarantee it won’t be helpful.”

Offering hope is conveying a sense that all will turn out… that something good is to come from the experience. You have to be careful here because a person in the acute phases of grief will not be receptive to hearing that. Instead you show them hope by being there for them without judgement or criticism for as long as they need you.  You will listen to their story repeatedly until they are done telling it. You will not persuade or dissuade them. Avoid judgment or criticism and support them without rushing them through the process. You will seek to understand and to learn from them, rather than tell them how to get through the journey.

Hope is this intangible power that we cannot see. We feel it. It is magical and can give us the power and strength to do what we need to do. What can  you do today to generate hope for others?

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Making the Choice to Survive

Each day we make choices about mundane things: “What should we have for dinner… pizza or Chinese?” Then there are times we must make a choice on big things: “Should we buy a house or keep renting?” Rarely do we realize that we can choose anything we want and that it is in our choices that we succeed, excel, or fail. We can even survive by choice.

There are plenty of testimonials where doctors didn’t think a person would survive, but they did. Then the chatter begins about “their spirit” and “their will” and “their drive to fight.” In essence, they CHOSE to survive. They chose to fight… to pull themselves back… to not let go because there is more for them to do on this earth.

If you are grieving the death of a loved one, you too, must choose to survive or not. What does that mean? In choosing to survive, you will recover and move forward from the pain. It means you commit to doing the work of grieving and mourning for however long it takes. It won’t be easy. It will be a long and often, difficult journey. You will need lots of support. But ultimately, survival begins with a choice and ~ it’s yours to make. 

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Don’t Eat Your Grief

The one thing in life that I know for sure is this – the journey takes unexpected turns!  Our best-laid plans for success, happiness and eternal bliss can be derailed when unforeseen events or situations occur.  No one chooses pain.  It would be rare for a bride and groom to exchange vows anticipating that their perfect union will end in divorce.  It is doubtful an entrepreneur would choose to open a business if they knew it was destined for bankruptcy. More importantly, although we accept death as a part of life…none of us chooses to bury our spouse or lover, our child, a sibling or our parents.  Yet, it happens to millions every day.

Death, divorce, separation and transitional losses thrust us into a chaotic world of fear, sadness, guilt, shame and even, anger.  Life feels out of control, because it is.  How you adjust or cope with these enormous changes is often reflective of how your family coped with tragedy when you were growing up.  Did death bring your family closer together, or did it pull you apart? Were you encouraged to talk about your feelings when your grandma or favourite aunt died?  Did your family suspend life when a painful situation transpired, or was the norm for everyone to keep busy and get back to school and work as soon as possible? In defence of your parents and grandparents … if “stuffing the pain” was their normal reaction, understand that their response was handed down to them by their parents. It is up to you to break the cycle!

The grief journey is not time-specific, nor is it predictable or orderly.  You may experience some of the feelings mentioned earlier, or you may experience all of them.  You may even experience several of them more than once.  These emotions may be short-lived or they may go on for some time.  Moreover, they can resurface weeks, months and years later. 

There is no way to get beyond your ‘grief’ except to go through it.  There are no shortcuts.  Having said that, the ‘mourning-avoidance’ culture we live in, encourages us to get life ‘back to normal’ as soon as possible.  Anyone wanting to attempt to dismiss the pain of loss can find plenty of opportunity to immerse themselves in work, school or outside activities.  Others go to a further extreme by self-medicating with chemicals, alcohol and/or food.  None of this will get you through the grief.  Instead, your body, mind and spirit are at risk and ultimately, the grieving process is prolonged.

When tragedy such as a death happens, it is important to suspend life and allow ourselves to move slowly through the grief.  It is not easy.  Grieving and mourning are hard work … and there is a difference between the two. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Founder and Director of the Colorado-based Center for Loss and Life Transition explains it this way, “Grieving is how we feel on the inside.  Mourning is how we express it on the outside.” Taking time to reflect on your feelings, acknowledging your loss and its impact on your life and finding safe and appropriate ways to express your pain are key elements in doing this work. 

Grieving requires a tremendous amount of energy and effort therefore, self-care is critically important.  Proper rest, nutrition and light exercise will assist in keeping your energy level to where it needs to be.  However, it is common to experience disrupted sleep patterns, a decrease or increase in appetite and to overlook our intake of water when grieving. The following suggestions may be helpful as you walk the path of healing:

1.         Exercise

Gentle exercise will help relieve the stress.  Do not overdo it.  Taking a ten-minute walk in a park, near the water, or around your neighbourhood can help lift your spirits.  As you feel stronger a 30-minute workout, three times a week at the gym will continue to help relieve the stress and increase your vitality.  Taking time for an energy break is not being selfish – it is a necessity!

2.         Eat a Balanced Diet

Eating a balanced diet can be a challenge at the best of times.  Food is a very social part of our culture and when a family experiences tragedy, the community rallies by bringing offerings of cheesy casseroles and gooey desserts.  Do not stress yourself about this initially; just approach these foods with some caution.  As you progress along the journey, make a conscious effort to balance your intake of sugar, caffeine and alcohol.  These substances provide only temporary relief if you are feeling sad or agitated.  Our bodies dehydrate when we are grieving so be sure to have an ample supply of water within arm’s reach and keep sipping throughout the day – even if you don’t feel like it.

3.         Get Proper Rest

Sleep does not come easy when coping with a tragedy.  Sometimes, it is the silence in the night that makes it hard to sleep.  If this is the case, try playing soft music in the background, running a small fan in the bedroom, or even leaving the television on with very low sound. If your spouse has died and you find it difficult to be in the bed alone, treat yourself to a full-length ‘body pillow’ to cuddle with… you can even wrap a piece of your spouse’s clothing around it for comfort. Try to rest throughout the day by taking several short naps to make up for the sleep you have lost during the night. Fatigue is a common aspect of grief.  Your body needs to rest often.

4.         Allow Yourself to Feel

It can seem overwhelming to ‘sit with your feelings’ but it is very important to allow your feelings to surface.  Find ways to acknowledge and honour your loved one who has died.  Keeping a journal can be cathartic.  Having a friend that you can call on any time of night or day is a gift.  Cry – and cry often! Crying is a natural cleansing action and one of the ways in which we can get our feelings from the inside to the outside. Remember… you cannot rush the process.  Go slow!

 

5.         Consider Outside Help

There is no shame in seeking professional help.  Sometimes an outside perspective is useful in sorting out our feelings or coping with the grief.  You may find that one or two sessions with a counsellor or attending a peer support group with others who have had similar experiences can be comforting and help you to understand your feelings. Having to take a step back from the outside world does not mean that you are weak – it is what we are supposed to do when we are grieving. Follow and trust your instincts!

6.         Hug Yourself – Often!

Grieving and mourning are hard work! You cannot get through the journey in one night or one month.  Each person will move at their own pace and in their own way.  Give yourself permission to take as long as you need. Understand that you are doing the best you can.

The Healing Power of Love and Friendship

Love and friendship are the underpinning of anyone’s journey in life. We all need friends, who are true and accept us for who we are—warts and all. We need and want love in life. Moreover, I believe each of us wants to be a good friend and to love others too. We are human and the “heart” has a huge influence on our life and how we get through it.

When we are lost, ill, hurting, or even afraid, the power of love and friendship gives us courage and strength. They are like a lighthouse shining brightly through the fog. We may not know where our path is headed or even if we can get through the journey. Love and friendship are often the only reason we can put one foot in front of the other.

Never under estimate the power of your love and friendship for another. You may be surprised to learn that taking a few minutes out of your day to sit over a cup of coffee so another can share their pain is all they needed to make the choice between living and dying. You may never know that the one thing you said to a child gave them the encouragement they needed to boost their self-esteem. They may choose to try a little harder because you gave them the courage simply by conveying they are important to you.

Life is a series of beginnings and endings. With these experiences our circle of friends can grow or diminish or be completely transformed. Take time today to reflect on your friends and those you love… ask yourself… “What can I do to show my love and friendship to this person today?” Trust me… your efforts will come back to you tenfold. You will feel so blessed.

When to Stop Visiting the Grave

This could solicit a variety of responses and my guess will be that the answer depends on whether you have endured a profound loss in your life or not.

People visit the graves of their loved one because it brings them comfort. It helps them to feel connected to them. And it’s a visual reminder of the reality that they are gone forever.

Initially after my husband died, I went to the cemetery a couple of times a week. Then it got to be less and less. Then I went on holidays and special occasions. I would place some flowers, sit on the grass and just reflect. Let’s face it… a cemetery is a very quiet, serene setting that welcomes reflection and soul searching by the bereaved. There is no distraction of phones, household or work-related chores, computers or mindless noise… just quiet, lots of green grass and flowers. It is soothing.

I moved to another city about 10 years after my husband died so I don’t go very often anymore; however, by the time I moved away I didn’t feel the need to be there either. I hold his memory in my heart and I feel, see and breathe him in everyday that I spend with my daughters and grandchildren.

Visiting the grave is not unique to humans. Elephants do this too. They spend time with the body of their loved one before burying him or her with twigs and branches. And, they return to “visit” them too. Herds of elephants passing by a grave will stop to pay respects to the buried elephant, even if they were not acquainted with them. It’s beautiful.

Like so much of the grief journey, the specific length of time to visit the grave is not etched in stone. The grief journey is different for everyone. Some may go all the time, others may never return. It’s an individual choice. Of course, if a person returns to the cemetery day after day after day and does not seem to re-engage with their day-to-day life, they may benefit from seeing a counsellor to help them work through the pain.

If your loved one has recently died and you wonder when you should stop visiting the grave… trust in yourself that you will know when the time is right for you.

Hospice at Home

My mom wanted to die at home. It was important for her to be in her own environment, surrounded by her children and grandchildren. We obliged because we wanted the end of her life to be meaningful and to end on her terms. From the time she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer to her death was three weeks. This was a very demanding and intense time for our family. Although we are open-minded and strong individuals, our family was subject to the same drama and emotional outbursts that other families encounter.

Our mom had faith in us that we could do what she asked of us. For us though, the saving grace was that one of her best friends was a hospice nurse.  As well, our local hospice was phenomenal in supporting us in whatever way they could. Mom’s friend, and my daughter Dale, who is also a nurse, provided plenty of support for the medical details, answered numerous questions, and assured us that we were doing all we could – and we were handling things just fine.

Although there was myself and three sisters staying with Mom in her home and our brother who lived only a few blocks away came over daily, the process of providing her end-of-life care was exhausting. She was in pain. She had a plethora of emotions to work through herself. She needed medical care. She had a host of fears to process. And each one of us had a heart that broke a little more every day. Goodbye, like a runaway train, was approaching fast and there was nothing we could do to slow it down. It left us feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, and desperate to make as many precious memories as possible.

We did many things to facilitate Mom being able to say goodbye to us and us to her. I have written about the Farewell Journal in a previous blog, and I will share other things in future blogs, but this blog is intended to shed light on the importance of a family being equipped to do the work of providing end-of-life care.

Not everyone can do it. And it is a very difficult situation when your loved one pleads with you to stay at home. My best advice is to seek support from your local hospice; they will comfort you and work with you to let your loved know that this is not something that you feel you can do. There is no shame in that. It’s best to know your limitations and to honour yourself first.

If the family does feel they can provide end-of-life care, it is important to seek the support of the local hospice, a minister or pastor for spiritual counsel, a social worker or counsellor to work individually with the family members so they can express their sorrow and to enlist the help of extended family and friends so the caregivers can take a break.

Remember the “family pressure cooker.” It does not matter how close a family is, tension and emotions build and even the calmest of calm can explode.

Sometimes, one or more family members will try to “take control” of the situation and attempt to orchestrate everyone’s move. They tell you what you can say. They tell you what you can do. They tell you how much time you can spend with the dying person.  All of this can lead to tension, hurt feelings and ultimately a blow-up. First of all, they don’t have the right to control this. Everyone in the family has a right to be with and to say goodbye to their loved one. Again, a local hospice will be of tremendous benefit to help families work through these dynamics and to keep the focus on what is important… the dying person and their wishes.

Finally when death arrives, don’t force yourself to “rush” back into the normal routine of daily living. It’s impossible. I remember after I returned home from Mom’s funeral and calling one of my sister and saying, “This must be how it feels to return home from war. We saw horrible things. We never want to repeat this. We lost a precious life and watched her take her last breath. And yet, there was something so beautiful about the process…something that we can never replicate. We bonded in a deeper way than one could ever imagine possible. And all of it is mixed with the joy of returning home to our spouses and children.”

Providing end-of-life care for a loved one is truly a unique experience. No one person in the family should be responsible for it. There are many factors to be considered. The best part is there is help through hospice and it’s available to everyone. You can locate a hospice and palliative care organization in Canada, the United States or worldwide by visiting www.hospiceinternational.com.

Healthy Helpers

People naturally want to help others. To be an effective helper, you have to be a “healthy” helper. As mentioned in the blog on Caregiver Grief, the tendency when helping others is that we put 150% into it. This means that not only is there nothing to give to our family and friends, it also means there is nothing left for us. This leads to major burnout!

Helping others who are bereaved or working through loss brings added stress to the helper. It’s important to be aware of your stress level and to find ways that help you to obliterate or lower the stress. Do you like to exercise? Play sports? Dance? Sing? Paint? Whatever it is, build it into your daily routine to maintain a balance.

Helping is a demanding personal process. Helpers need to be aware of the responses they may have about the person they are helping. You may become frustrated because the mourner doesn’t seem to care or because you feel ineffective in motivating them to do the work. When this happens… you need to own it. You have turned it into your needs… not theirs. It’s a delicate balance. If you feel you are becoming ineffective, trust that it is time to take a step back and allow others to take over for a while. Be sure to debrief with a trusted colleague so that you can obtain some feedback on what you are feeling and to release those feelings.

Helpers/caregivers must often confront their own losses, fears, hopes, and dreams surrounding both life and death. The role of a helper requires energy, focus, and a desire to understand. The emotional involvement adds stress as well. It is always wise and beneficial to seek the counsel of a colleague or therapist to work through the residual effects of being a helper.

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When the Monster is Your Son

Timothy McVeigh

  

On April 19, 1995, Timothy McVeigh – forever known as the Oklahoma City Bomber – set off an explosion in front of the Alfred P. Murrah federal building. This senseless act killed 168 people – nineteen of them children under the age of 6. Hundreds of innocent people were injured and over $652 million dollars in damage done to buildings and cars that spanned a sixteen-block radius. McVeigh was arrested on a firearms charge 90 minutes after the bombing. His friend Terry Nichols was charged on May 10^th. McVeigh was executed for this crime on June 11, 2001.

There is a plethora of information on the worldwide web about this case to facilitate debates on his motive and whether he should or should not have been executed. This writing has nothing to do with either topic. Instead, my intent is hold up to the light the grief journey of those who knew and loved him, but had no conceivable notion that he was capable of such a henious crime.

Regardless of what you or I think, McVeigh was born into this world as someone’s son, brother, and grandson. They knew the boy that the rest of the world would not. They loved him for who he was and for the pure soul they believed him to be. This is not unlike the rest of us. We are born to people who love us, have faith in us, and wouldn’t believe we are capable of doing anything but good in this world. I don’t know what went wrong for McVeigh. I don’t know – or even profess to understand – how he could do what he did. Nor do I understand how or why The Green River Killer, Ted Bundy, or Jack the Ripper did what they did. What I do understand is that as a mother, to endure the painful reality that my son was capable of any of these actions would be devestating.

When someone dies we are encouraged to celebrate their life. We have people rally around us to share stories of our loved one, to support us, and to be there for us in our time of need. Society acknowledges and accepts our need to express our grief. Do you think the McVeighs were afforded the same when their son was executed? I highly doubt the public even thought about their pain. Thousands and thousands rejoiced in justice being served in the way they thought it should. The McVeighs would not have been invited to publicly mourn the loss of their son, brother and grandson – the man who was not the McVeigh the world thought they knew.

The next time you read about a convicted killer, go ahead and celebrate that justice was served if you believe it to be so. But take one second and send a little prayer and love to the family behind the scenes whose hearts are broken and forever shattered. Understand that for all moms and dads, it truly is “but for the grace of God, go I.”

One of my favorite poems ~ may it bring you comfort

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world..

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy
                                                 ~Max Ehrmann (1872-1945).

Violent Deaths

When a loved one dies at the hand of another, the grief journey becomes very complex. In essence, it heightens the experience to immeasurable sorrow. Often the family cannot even get on with the process of grieving the death of their loved one because their time is consumed with dealing with the legalities and sometimes, absurdities of the criminal justice system.

My 23 year old brother-in-law was murdered by his best friend. He shot him in the head while he was sleeping. There were others asleep in the house at the time.  The person who killed him asked for the police to be called and waited patiently for them. The body, the killer and the gun were all there. The missing piece was the motive.

Unlike other sudden deaths, our world crashed. We experienced the normal responses of shock, confusion, and disbelief; however, everything seemed to be tenfold. Mixed with these responses was an overwhelming sadness and profound anger. An interesting twist was that my husband was a police officer who handled complex investigations like this and suddenly, we had been catapulted onto the side of “victim.” Nothing could prepare us for the roller coaster we would ride for the next seven months while the legalities were worked through. This frustrating process resulted in delaying our grief and our ability to do the work of mourning. My brother-in-law’s funeral provided some opportunity to explore our pain, but after that was over we were immersed in the investigation and trial. The wound was ripped open, time and time again.

Our experience mirrored that of countless families whose loved is taken violently. Life became fraught with feeling vulnerable and unsafe. We felt as though our rights were less important than that of the killer and that was incredibly difficult to cope with. At the time – 31 years ago –- the police force didn’t offer or even suggest counselling for my husband. Their answer was to get back to work as soon as possible and establish a routine. This, in itself, complicated the grief journey for him. He didn’t deal with his feelings and ultimately, it left him – and our marriage – with some deeply etched scars.

I always encourage people to seek counselling to help them work through the process of grief; however, when it comes to violent deaths, I move from encouraging to insisting. It’s extremely important to “shop around” and find a therapist who has experience with bereavement of this nature. As well, finding a support group with peers who have experienced a similar loss can be beneficial.

Sudden & Unexpected Deaths

In healing my broken heart, I came to understand that we don’t get to choose who will die, how they will die, or when they will die. A sudden and unexpected death affirms this in a way that nothing else can.

My brother was 39 years old when he died of a subarachnoid hemorrhage. My husband was 37 when he died of a heart attack. My brother-in-law was 23 when he was murdered. My father was 54 when he was killed in truck crash. Their deaths were not expected. They were sudden and cruel proof that death pays no heed to status, social connections, education, or family responsibilities. It is there to claim us all… and on its terms, not ours.

What we do get to choose is how we cope and respond to the tragedy. It’s not uncommon to feel as though you want to die too. More often than not, this is temporary and if given time to do the work of mourning, you will experience a shift in thinking. For others, while physical death may elude them, they allow themselves to die inside. They shut down to life and become stuck in their grief. There are gifted counsellors who can help when this happens. However, the person must choose to do the work.

It takes a long time to recover from the experience of losing a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly. It is important that you:

• Acknowledge your loss
• Allow life to slow down so you can reflect, nurture and heal
• Understand that confusion, disorganization, and overwhelming feelings are normal responses as are anger and guilt
• Don’t rush through the process, or allow others to hurry you along. The grief journey is long…doing the work of healing takes time.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help… you didn’t ask for this to happen and nobody can expect you to know what to do.

Remember, there is no shame in seeking professional help. A professional can help you to gain perspective, facilitate expression of your feelings, and provide support in a way that your personal connections may not be able to do.

Caregiver Grief

Providing care for our loved ones is something we do. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents and friends rally to be with a loved one who is ill or injured. Caregiving may span years if the illness is chronic or terminal or the injury is catastrophic.

The impact caregiving can have on one’s personal health is profound. Caregiving or supporting others brings added stress to the helper or caregiver. This is often attributed to the fact that the caregiver puts so much into helping or looking after the person, that they begin to neglect themselves. Their day becomes about meeting the needs of their loved one. Caregivers often go without proper sustenance or rest; therefore, this puts them at risk for depression and other health problems.

Caregiving is a demanding process and it often brings up our fears and unresolved grief. We are confronted with churned-up feelings and may experience feeling overwhelmed, irritable, angry and anxious. It is important to acknowledge these feelings and understand that they are normal given the situation. Caregivers need to find safe and suitable ways to give expression to these feelings. Ignoring or stuffing these feelings will not make them go away ~ they will continue to manifest until the person works through them.

It is critical that caregivers give themselves permission to take care of their own basic needs. The saying “if you don’t take care of yourself, you will be no good to anyone” is especially true for the caregiver. If you want to go the distance, pace yourself. This includes taking a break from the caregiving routine and allowing others to handle the situation for a brief period. Initially it may be difficult to do, but I promise even if the break is short, you will feel rejuvenated!