Sugarland Tragedy

North America is deeply saddened by the tragedy resulting from a collapsed stage at the Indiana State Fair on Saturday, August 13, 2011. As of this morning there are five confirmed dead and more than 40 people injured. One of the deaths was that of stagehand, Nate Byrd.

Previously, I have written about celebrity deaths and why the death of someone we have never met can have such impact on us. This blog is to offer the opposite perspective of how this horrific incident may affect the Sugarland band members, Jennifer Nettles and Kristian Bush as well as those who work with them. They likely did not know those who died, but they will be impacted personally by this sorrow.

Soon after the tragedy occurred, Sugarland sent out a Twitter message letting their fans know that they were fine and that they were praying for the victims and their families. The intent of their message was to convey that they were not injured when the wind swept through and collapsed the stage only minutes before the concert was to begin. While they are unharmed physically, this caring duo may have a long road ahead of them to truly integrate the reality of this tragedy.

Nettles and Bush are fortunate to have a large, loving community in country music. Fellow singers, songwriters and musicians can easily validate the emotional roller coaster they could find themselves on as the days pass. Country legend, Reba McEntire lost her entire band and tour manager when their plane crashed in March 1991. Barbara Mandrell nearly lost her life in a horrific car crash in September 1984. In 1963, family, friends and fellow musicians experienced an incredible sorrow when country vocalist, Patsy Cline died in a plane crash. While the experience of McEntire, Mandrell and Cline are vastly different they share a theme… an unforeseen tragedy broke the hearts of many.

The greatest country songs ever written were about heartbreak.  Many more have been written about mending a broken heart.  All were born from the writer’s pain of losing someone or something precious in their life. I have no doubt that the craft of writing music will be a tremendous catharsis for Sugarland as they integrate this tragedy into their life.

Fans and colleagues need to be patient with the duo and encourage them to slowly work through the feelings they may be having about this tragedy AND/OR the feelings that may arise as the days pass. Long after the newspapers stop reporting about this event, the band members may still be consumed with thoughts of “Why our concert?” “Why that night?” “Why those people?” Family, friends, colleagues and fans need to lovingly listen and allow them to explore these questions without attempting to judge, persuade or dissuade them from feeling what they feel. You don’t have to answer the questions they ask. They don’t expect you to. Whenever someone asks these questions, they are searching for meaning and attempting to make sense out of what has happened. They will find their own answers… the listener merely facilitates the exploration.

I don’t know Nettles or Bush, but I do know they are human and these are normal responses that anyone could experience. My intent is not to presume they will experience any particular emotion, but rather to enlighten fans and those who work closely with them that they may experience a wide range of feelings and emotions resulting from this tragedy. Moreover, the duo may be caught off guard with the depth of emotions that arise.  

My hope is that Nettles and Bush find comfort among family and friends and come to understand what I and millions of others have learned through tragedy: We don’t get to choose who will die, when they will die, how old they will be when they die, how they will die, or where we will be at with them in their journey when they die. We only get to choose to survive and to live our lives until the moment we die… to live it fully, deeply, lovingly and with joy.

I send my prayers and blessings to Sugarland, to those who were injured and to all the families and friends of the victims who died in this tragedy. May you be comforted by love, patience and understanding in the days ahead.

Confusion

Regardless of having experienced the death of a loved one, everyone can identify with how it feels to be confused. Confusion is another feeling people may experience early in the grief journey. It really goes hand in hand with feeling disorganized.

Feeling confused after a loved one’s death is not something we can control. Even the most organized, focused person may experience this. It manifests in not having the ability to complete tasks – lots of starts and stops with simple projects and some may never be completed. Walking into a room and not having a clue of where you were headed or what the purpose behind you going there was. Forgetting and being able to retain information is also normal. Don’t expect that you will whiz through your day as you had before. Low productivity and lack of initiation are also a normal part of the process.

The grieving process is serious, difficult work to do. The early days are fraught with feeling like you are going crazy and that you should be doing better than you are. You may even think you are doing this all wrong. Set aside the self-doubt and be gentle with yourself instead. You are not doing it wrong. Feeling confused can be frustrating, but like shock, numbness and disorganization … it is temporary.  All of these temporary feelings are wrapped in a heavy dose of fatigue, so pace yourself and take little breaks throughout the day.

Photo Credit: Gregory Szarkiewicz:
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Numbness

A sense of feeling numb after loss is as common as shock and disorganization. It’s all part of being in disbelief of what has happened. And like shock, it holds a purpose – to assist you in taking in what has happened in small doses.

Numbness is just that… you’re numb and can’t really feel anything. It doesn’t mean the person will carry on in their day as though nothing has happened. What others will see is that they are ‘shut down’ and have no desire to do anything. They may lack the initiative to get started on things or even to meet their own needs. They may not want to get out of bed and they may wander around with a sense of ‘what’s the point’.

Feeling numb is a normal response in the grief process. It is not the same as postponing grief. When a person postpones their grief, they are pushing it aside until they feel it will be safe to deal with their feelings. This is unhealthy and has severe consequences such as the grief journey never ending. A sense of numbness is temporary and takes place early in the journey.

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Sympathy Gifts

The tradition of offering gifts to the bereaved goes back centuries. When we are at a loss for words, often this is the way in which we can express our feelings of love and support to the family. There are many traditional gifts to offer; however, giving some thought to the personality of the deceased and the relationship they had with the bereaved may lead you to some creative ideas. Gifts are always a kind gesture and do not have to expensive.

Flowers – people traditionally send bouquets of flowers to the family at their home. Bouquets and wreaths or sprays are also sent to the funeral home. Keep in mind that the family may receive a dozen or more floral arrangements and not have room for all of them. They may donate them to the hospital or a senior centre. You may want to consider giving a plant or a tree seedling that the family can plant outdoors in memory of their loved one. You may also consider not sending flowers until the one month anniversary of their loved one’s passing. This way the family will have more room and they will be touched that you are acknowledging the anniversary.

Food – taking food to the family’s home is also a traditional gift-giving idea. Consider that others will be bringing gifts of food too, so you may want to take an item that can be frozen for later use. In choosing what type of food to take, consider the cultural food preferences and/or if anyone in the family has allergies. Besides casseroles, food gift baskets with cheese and crackers and fruit are enjoyable and good to have on hand for company and snacking. Gift cards to a local grocery story would be thoughtful and then the family can pick up things they run out of, such as toilet paper or soap.

Charitable Gifts – Determine if the family has requested donations be made to a favourite charity. Or you may consider sending the family some money to help with the expenditures of the funeral and having extra people in the home.

Talents – Don’t overlook offering to use your talents. Do you scrapbook? Are you a whiz on the computer? Do you make quilts? Consider making a scrapbook, photo slideshow on a DVD or a memory quilt for the family. Gifts like these will bring comfort to the family for years to come.

Keepsake Gifts – In addition to the gift ideas mentioned above, you could send a personalized gift such as an engraved picture frame with a note suggesting the family place a favourite photo of their loved one inside. I adopted this gift-giving idea years ago in place of sending flowers. It will last forever and pictures are a wonderful way for families to remember their loved one by.

Cards – A thoughtful card with a beautiful inscription is always well-received. Consider making your own card and writing a personalized note inside offering to mow the lawn, babysit, clean the house, or to cook dinner one night. Gifts of time are immeasurable. Tucking a gift card to the family’s favourite restaurant or to a local movie theatre inside would provide a pleasant distraction for the family in the future.

Photo Credit: Dan
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Sleep Disturbances

It is not uncommon to experience sleep disturbances following the death of a loved one or suffering a significant loss. Often people will say that the nights are the hardest. I certainly found this to be true after my husband died.

The house was so quiet after my daughters went to bed. Soon after we said our goodnights my thoughts would turn to what was and what would never be again. I would go to bed, but toss and turn. I would be up and down, pacing the floor until all hours of the morning. It was terrible. And you know how it is when you keep telling yourself that you need to get to sleep…the harder it is to drift off.

It is not uncommon to have dreams about a loved one after they die. This is a form of expressing grief and dreams help to facilitate mourning. On the other hand, an individual may experience nightmares and then find it difficult to allow him or herself to go to sleep. It’s important for them to find a trusted person they can talk to who will understand what they are going though and can provide some guidance.

The good news is that the recommended nightly requirements for sleep do not have to be linear. As long as a person is getting adequate rest breaks and little naps here and there, it’s okay. If you, or someone you know, is experiencing a disturbance in your sleep pattern because of a loss, understand that this is normal and eventually your ability to sleep will increase. Until that happens, try the following:

·    Build in rest breaks throughout the day – even taking 20 – 30 minutes at a time to lie down in a quiet room by yourself will help to rest your mind and rejuvenate your body.

·   If you are tossing and turning in bed, lay on the sofa with the television turned on low.

·   Place soft music in your room and leave a low, soft light on if it makes you feel more comfortable. Avoid burning candles in the event you do fall asleep.

·  Keep a glass of water by your bed and/or sip herbal tea or warm milk.

·  Avoid self-medicating with alcohol as a way to fall asleep. Some people may become dependent on alcohol and as their consumption increases, other health risks rise too.

·  Avoid taking medications that have been prescribed for someone else. Well-meaning family and friends may offer you their ‘sleeping pills’ but it is unwise to take them. I am not a fan of giving people sleeping pills or tranquilizers because they are grieving; however, I am not a medical doctor and if you feel you do need something, then you should be seen by a physician. Don’t just start taking something because it worked for someone else.

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Disorganization after Loss

The roller coaster ride after loss is like none other! People experience a myriad of responses which includes feeling an overwhelming sense of loss, being confused and just unable to pull your day together. The bereaved often wonder if they are ‘going crazy!’ It’s an incredibly confusing, exhausting, and frustrating time.

It’s common to not be able to think straight or to not be able to complete tasks that you previously could have completed with your eyes closed. In these early days, the memory of the person who died consumes one's thoughts. They may be so predominate in your thoughts that it is not unusual to experience a shift in what you may think you see or hear. It’s not unusual to spot someone in a crowd who may look like the person who died and in your mind there is a fleeting thought that it is them. Having dreams about the person who died is also very common and leaves a person feeling overwhelmed the next day as they attempt to make sense of what has happened and/or what the dream meant.

This is an exhausting time because sleep disturbances and interruptions in daily routines are common. People may not be eating properly and combined with sleep issues, they go through the day feeling very fatigued and just unwell.

The following are simple adjustments that will help:

• Understand that disorganization is a common response. You are not going crazy because you can’t remember why you walked into a room or because you catch yourself putting some belongings in silly places (i.e. your shoes in the oven)! It happens and it is normal.
• Find someone who understands what you are going through and who will listen to your story over and over. Talking about what you are feeling and experiencing is important.
• Take several rest breaks during the day to compensate for not getting a good solid night’s sleep.
• Take in small meals and drink plenty of water.
• Accept every hug that comes your way... you deserve it!

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Shock after Loss

When we hear of a global tragedy, like the earthquakes in Japan or the Oslo bombing, we experience a sense of shock and numbness. This is also a common response when learning that a loved one has died.

Shock has a purpose – it acts like an insulation to protect us from fully taking in what happened. In a sense, it allows us to take in what has happened in small doses. That’s not a bad thing. Sometimes the reality of what has happened is so overwhelming and astounding that to take it in all at once would do more harm than good.

Shock doesn’t last for only a few hours. It can go on for a long time – for months even. What does it feel like to be in shock? It’s not uncommon to feel as though you walking in a fog, living in a dream, or just feeling stunned or dazed by what has occurred. Again there is a purpose to experiencing shock. Dr. Alan Wolfelt explains it like this, “Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has been told.”

It is critically important for those offering support to not rush the bereaved through this response. It takes time and they will drift in and out of the reality of their loss for an undetermined length of time. They won’t necessarily be able to take in what is being told to them… in fact, the words they are hearing are likely not even connecting for them. They will remember however, being comforted by those who love them and receiving unconditional support during that time.

People in shock may experience physiological responses too. It’s not uncommon to have aches and pains, heart palpitations, and an overall sense of feeling unwell. Emotions are overwhelming and they may cry or laugh uncontrollably and not always at the appropriate time. This may make others uncomfortable but if they can understand that it is perfectly normal, they can be of tremendous support to the person who is experiencing it.

In these early days of loss, it is important for people to be supported by a loving, understanding and patient network. Supporters should be prepared to provide a safe, nurturing place for their friend or family member to work through the process… and not to have an agenda of pushing them to accept the reality of the loss. They need time to take it in and sometimes it is best to absorb it in ‘bite-size pieces.’

Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono
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