Rejection ~ It Can Feel Like the Ultimate Heartbreak

Being rejected by another person can feel like the ultimate heartbreak.  Why don’t they want me? Why don’t they love me? Why don’t they approve of me? I can’t answer those questions for you. Each of us needs to do the work of understanding why we so desperately need that person’s approval. Oprah Winfrey said it best, “If you don’t want me, I’m not going to let myself want you to want me.” I know that is easier said than done; however, I have learned from personal experience that wanting someone to approve of me or love me was really about me judging myself. If they don’t love me or approve of me, then I must be unworthy, right? Wrong!

When a loved one dies, this too, can feel like rejection and abandonment. I realized nearly a year after my husband's death that my grief was laced with a heavy dose of rejection and abandonment. Logically, I understood that his death was not within his control. Nonetheless, the feeling that he rejected me was a real wound. It took a lot of soul searching, countless tears, and endless talking to God, to the angels, to my deceased spouse and to anyone else who would listen, but I eventually came to face that wound head-on and released it. It was not easy.

In doing the work to let go of that sense of rejection and abandonment, I came to see that I had carried that theme into many life experiences. My husband’s death was another experience that I interpreted to be about rejecting me. Of course, that had nothing to do with it. His death helped to reveal that flaw in my thinking.

Have you ever interpreted a loss as being rejected or abandoned by another?

The Endings Are Not Ours to Write

Death is something that is truly beyond our control. Yes, we can do things in life to help us live as long and as healthy as possible, but death is not something we can control.

Following the deaths of my brother-in-law (23), my father (54), my brother (39), my husband (37) and my friend (42), I struggled whenever it felt like life was moving forward. It was difficult to allow myself to laugh again, to feel some joy, or to make plans for the future. This became deeply apparent after I met and fell in love with a man about 14 months after my husband died. I didn’t expect it to happen, but it did.

When I made the decision to remarry, I was overwhelmed with guilt. Actually, it was torture… on one hand I was overjoyed with bliss and excitement, and on the other hand, it felt disrespectful and hurtful to my first husband and children. It was then that I came to this realization… “I had to forgive myself for being the one left here to live.”

Part of my healing was to understand that we do not get to choose who will die, when they will die, or how they will die. What we can do is to know and trust in our hearts that PEOPLE LIVE UNTIL THEY DIE. They live. And we all deserve to do the same… live until we die.

Truly embrace life and live… we get one opportunity.

Grief Bursts and How to Prevent One

A grief burst is a “perfectly normal experience” after losing a loved one. A grief burst is just that… a burst of sadness and sorrow triggered by the sight of something, a song, something you read, or by a memory. When you experience a grief burst, you may cry, have an overwhelming feeling of sadness, or feel as though you are moving slowly through a thick, dense fog. This is normal. Having said that, people need to know their bodies too, and they should seek medical attention if they are at all alarmed by any physical or emotional experiences they may be having.

The difficulty with a grief burst is that it is not predictable. Nor can one control it. It just happens. One second you may be driving down the street and a song will come on the radio that triggers a memory of you and a loved one. Before you know it, you are pulled over on the side of the road crying uncontrollably. This can happen for weeks, months or years after a loved one’s death.

How can you prevent grief bursts from happening? You can’t.

You can only prepare yourself to know that it WILL happen and when it does, give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and allow it to pass. Do not be embarrassed or ashamed. You have not done anything wrong. You are experiencing grief. The journey is both unpredictable and confusing.

Remember this… you are not alone. Others have experienced similar responses and are willing to be there for you. Reach out to someone for support.

Children and Grief

We are often afraid for children to experience the pain of loss. As parents and adults, we understand how loss feels; therefore, we want to shelter our children and protect them from feeling that overwhelming sadness. The reality is that children, even if you shelter and protect them, will experience loss and they will feel sad. Isn't it better to give them the tools to reconcile grief so they have the coping mechanisms needed to face life head on? I think so.

Children cannot be fooled. They know when something is wrong or when something "bad" has happened. Not discussing it with them, doesn't make it go away. Allowing them to see you cry because your heart is broken is not weak or shameful. Letting them know that they are safe in the midst of chaos and that you will all get through this together... is a gift.

Children are strong and they will give you strength. More importantly, children have a "natural rhythm to their grief." Children will allow themselves to feel the pain and sadness and when it becomes too much for them they will shut it off for a while and go off and play. Children will cry and express their sorrow one minute, and the next minute they will ask if their best friend can come for pizza and a sleepover. They inherently understand the need to "pace" their grief. We would all fare better if we allowed ourselves to "grieve like a child."

Children have the same potential responses to grief that an adult has: confusion, sadness, sleep and eating disruptions, and tears etc. They are also at risk, as an adult is, if they are not given a safe place to do the work of mourning. The difference will be that an adult may be able to express what they are feeling, but the child may not be able to verbalize what is going on for them. Therefore, watching for signs of regression (e.g. a child who is potty-trained now has accidents), acting-out (e.g. outbursts) and eating/sleep disturbances are all "signs" that a child is struggling with inner turmoil.

Yes, children are resilient, but they will be even more resilient when given the tools to cope with life's tragedies.

The Family Pressure Cooker

Emotions run extremely high when a loved one dies, or a loved one is dying. All kinds of personal dynamics can happen. For families who believe that this is a time to come together, it can be disarming to see and feel tensions rising.

These situations are never easy and we are not feeling or behaving in our usual ways. If the death has occurred, people can be in shock, overwhelmed with the finality of no longer having that person in their life, and just out of sorts. If a loved one is dying, their family and friends are already experiencing grief. While they are doing their best to come to terms with what is about to happen, they are also struggling to make meaningful connections with their loved one so that they will have precious memories to comfort them in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

Dr. Alan Wolfet, from the Center for Loss and Life Transition, in Fort Collins, Colorado explains it best. He refers to this as the "family pressure cooker." It happens because when people are in crisis or facing a crisis, such as a loved one's death, each one has a "high need to be understood, but little capacity to understand."

So if you find you and your family are in a "pressure cooker" accept it for what it is and encourage everyone to take a step back and allow some space. Take time to breathe and decompress... if not, explosions and outbursts will be the result.

Divorce & Separation: To End it ~ Grieve it!

          Kelly Clarkson wrote in her song, “Because of you, I am afraid…”  I am certain that many women and men leave a relationship with that sentiment.

          Yes, relationships can end amicably, but rarely do. Often many years and growing issues accumulate before couples end their union. There can be violence, abuse, growing differences or a general “falling out of love” that ends a relationship.

          Family and friends make alignments, loyalties divide and the precious souls of what once was a blessed union become pawns in the game of power and control. The hurt and betrayal quickly give way to anger and resentment and an attitude of “good riddance” becomes the mantra that stands in the way of finding forgiveness and truly letting go of the relationship.

          It is not uncommon for one or both individuals to enter into a new relationship soon after ending the previous one. They make the false assumption that if they “just get on with life” then the work is done. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

         Although the decision to end a relationship may be right, a person must grieve any loss associated with the breakup. In doing so, they can truly move on with life and successfully enter into a new relationship. Otherwise, they are dragging in old baggage, and that never works.

Loving Yourself is an Important Part of the Healing Journey

When our hearts break because a loved one dies, we often wander through a field of "should-haves" and "could-haves." The truth is that even if you had done all of those things before they died, you would still come up with something left undone. It can be difficult to forgive ourselves for having left things unsaid or not resolved. But to linger in that emotional torture is exactly that... emotional torture and you are holding you hostage.

Certainly if we all lived by the advice... that "we should never put off tomorrow what can be done today" we would all benefit. However, sometimes it isn't in our best interest (or safe physically or emotionally) to confront someone for what they did to us. Sometimes we can't face the possibility of rejection, especially if countless attempts have been made to reconcile a relationship and those efforts have been dismissed. So how do you move forward? Start by loving yourself.

Human beings are not perfect. God didn't expect us to be. We will hurt loved ones and we will be hurt. We are not going to be the perfect daughter, son, sister, brother, father or mother. Every experience is new and sometimes we hit it on the mark and other times  we miss. That doesn't mean we are not worthy.

Today, on this day of hearts and flowers, start loving yourself for being who you are and doing the best you can... after all, that's all  anyone can ask!

Valentine's Day for those with a Broken Heart

When your heart is broken it is very difficult to face Valentine's Day. Everyone is talking about love, being in love, having love, finding love and loving love. What if you lost your love?

Following the death of a spouse or partner, it is incredibly painful to face holidays when handholding, kissing and romance are all around you. The more you think about it, the more aware you are that you don't have it and the sadder you become.

If you are facing this Valentine's Day without the one you love, I want to encourage you to change your perspective of the day. Use the time to do something incredibly wonderful for you... love  yourself and forgive yourself for being the one left here to live.

Here are a few suggestions that may help you face the day:

• Treat yourself to a nice meal at your favorite restaurant
• Carve out some time to sit by the fireplace or the ocean and journal your thoughts about love
• Gather a small group together and share stories while going through treasured photos
• Watch funny movies and laugh yourself silly
• Give yourself permission to shed a tear and to acknowledge how you feel
• Do something for someone else who also may not have a precious loved one to share the day with
• Write a love letter to yourself ... you are unique and you are loved... allow the love in.