Becoming a Crusader

It’s not uncommon for people to want to do something to give back to society or to make a difference in the lives of others when they have been through a significant loss.  However, timing is very important with this. If the person has not adequately mourned their loss and worked through the grief journey then taking on the role of crusader and a significant cause is really about avoiding the pain they are living with.

I remember after surviving multiple deaths in our family when I began thinking that I wanted to do something to help others. It became quite an obsession for me.  That’s all I wanted to do was think of ways in which I could make a difference. Fortunately, none of those ideas panned out in the way I planned. I say “fortunately” because the delay forced me to work through the process and resolve my grief first.

It was nearly five years after my husband’s death before my first book was published. On one hand, it seemed to take ‘forever’ for me to get anything written and published. On the other hand, once it came out, it really felt like the time that had passed was merely a blip.

Twenty years later, I am working every day to make the difference in the lives of those who have suffered a loss through death and/or catastrophic injury. I am passionate about what I do and why I do it. I have worked through my feelings of grief and I know that what I do honours those who were an important part of my life and have now passed to the other side. My work today is truly about helping others on their journey and no longer about me looking for meaningful ways to escape the pain.

As I have mentioned so many times before, you cannot escape grief. If you desire to help others and make a difference in this world using the experience you have, then commit to doing the work of healing yourself first. If you don’t, the grips of grief will continue to snatch you at every opportunity and interfere with your ability to be present to the suffering of others.  Remember the saying… “Physician heal thyself” and trust that when the timing is right, you will have your opportunity to shine!

Photo Credit:

renjith krishnan

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=721

Professional Counselling – Is it for everyone?

Over the years I have met people who have attended counselling for years.  Some are still working through some deep issues. For others, it has become a lifestyle. Then there are those who would benefit tremendously from working with a counsellor and have either never considered seeing one or simply refuse.

Here are my thoughts on counselling:

·         You don’t have to sign up to be on the leather couch for twenty years. It depends on the issues that you are working through. For example, a person dealing with the aftermath of physical or sexual abuse may require extensive support. Others may need to see a counsellor for only a few sessions and then have what they need to do some work on their own.

·         Sometimes it is helpful to talk with someone who is not immersed in the pain with you. Attempting to share your feelings with family members and/or friends may be frustrating for both parties because of a lack of understanding and because that person is dealing with their own feelings about the situation. Remember ... following a loss, a family may experience the ‘family pressure cooker’ – everyone has a high need to be understood but little capacity to understand (Dr. Alan Wolfelt).

·         Counselling sessions provide you with a place to explore your feelings and thoughts in a safe, nurturing environment free of judgement.

·         The feedback you receive in counselling provides you with other options to explore or it may give you a new perspective on the situation. I often explain it to people in this way: I sit in the same chair to have my morning coffee. From that angle, everything looks the same. But if I make myself sit in another chair, the view of the room is different. The view through the window is different. And I see things that I may not have seen from the other chair – like cobwebs or smudges of fingerprints on the glass! A new perspective on the situation can help to unravel the tangled web we often feel stuck in after loss.

·         It’s important to have a connection with your counsellor. Interview a potential counsellor before committing to seeing them on a regular basis. If you don’t feel that connection then it will be difficult to do the work that you need to do.  When I am approached by a new client, I always suggest we meet first (at no charge) and get to know one another better and determine if it is a good fit for both of us.

Photo Credit: Ambro

<p><a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499">Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net</a></p>

Sharing Loss with Others

Sharing our loss with others is an important piece to the grief journey. In sharing your story, it allows you to explore your feelings and to validate the impact that a particular loss has had on your life.

People generally have good friends and close family members that they are able to share their feelings with. However, some may not feel comfortable with sharing their deepest feelings with people they know so well. And, there are those who truly have no one to walk the journey with. In all instances, a support group may be beneficial.

I don’t want to imply that EVERYONE who has suffered a loss needs or will benefit from attending a support group, so don’t rush out and sign someone you know up for one because they recently have had a loss. Support groups are an option for everyone, offering a safe, nurturing space to do the work of mourning with others who have had similar experiences.

The following points may help you to decide if you are ready for a support group and or what it takes to start a support group:

• Are you ready? If your loss is quite recent, you may not be ready to attend a group. If the loss was sudden and unexpected, a person can be in shock for a long time… sometimes weeks or months. You have to be ready to do the work. The facilitator for the group would welcome meeting with you to help determine if the timing is right.
• Does the group have people attending with the same kind of loss that you have experienced or is it a mix of loss history (e.g. death, divorce etc.)? If it is a mix of losses, you want to be sure that you feel a connection and that you do not feel alone or isolated.
• Getting over your grief should not be the goal of attending a support group. Each person’s journey is unique to them. Don’t set yourself up with a specific timetable for attending (i.e. 5 sessions). Instead, commit to attending for as long as you need to get the work done… trust me, you will know when you are ready to move on.
• Don’t feel that you have to share at every session you attend. Not everyone does. Keep in mind that the group is a safe place for you to do the work and explore your feelings, but there may be some days that you just don’t want to share and that is okay. The group should respect that.
• Prepare to be part of someone else’s journey. A group session means that more than one person will be sharing. It’s important that you are able to give attention to the person who is speaking and not interrupt to share your experience. It’s a give and take process. Give others their time and take your turn.
• Support groups are not for giving advice. They are for sharing experiences and to do your personal work. If a group member requests help with something, it is fine for the group to share ideas and thoughts on what may have been helpful if your loss experience is similar to theirs.
• Judge not, lest ye be judged. Support groups must be non-judgemental. Thoughts and feelings that people experience following loss are not right or wrong. Don’t attempt to persuade or dissuade someone from feeling what they are feeling. Instead, respect where they are and listen with love.
• You don’t need to make a life commitment to attending a support group. A support group may only run for a specific amount of time (i.e. 8 or 9 weeks) or it may be an ongoing, drop-in type of group. If it is for a specific timeframe, try to commit to attending all of the sessions. Remember that you are part of someone’s support too, so if you don’t show up, they don’t have the support either. If it is an ongoing group (or you don’t feel that you can continue) then discuss your decision with the facilitator and the group.
• Allow yourself to ease back into life after a session. Sharing your experience and hearing the stories of others is a very demanding and taxing process. Plan to do something nice for yourself after every session. You may enjoy going for coffee with a friend or group participant after the session, or go to a favourite quiet spot to process what you heard or feel. You may prefer to go home and enjoy a bubble bath or quiet time to journal.

*Remember confidentiality is a must! What is said in the group – stays in the group. If you meet up with another group member after a session, it is fine to discuss how you or they feel. It’s not okay to discuss others in the group or what they may have said.

Photo Credit: renjith krishnan

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=721

Loss of Faith

 There are a number of ways that we can ‘lose faith.’ If someone disappoints or betrays us, we may lose faith in them. Those experiencing a significant loss may also say they have lost faith in God, the world, society-at-large or in others. This is a challenging place to be. In my humble opinion, if we have faith in ‘nothing’ then it is going to be very difficult to move forward in life. It’s not for me to determine what or who people should have faith in, but I believe that part of the healing is to reconcile the loss of faith too.

Those with a strong faith-base and connection through a church, community group, or spiritual gathering often draw upon their faith and those connections when they suffer a loss. They find comfort and strength in their beliefs. They also have a built-in network of support through friends and family who may also be a part of this community and this helps them feel safe.

Sometimes people push their faith away in protest of what has happened. You may have heard someone say, “How can a just and loving God allow something like this to happen?” Or they ask, “Why?” “Why me?” “Why us?” “Why now?” Don’t interpret these questions as a loss in faith. More often than not, they are searching for meaning… attempting to make sense of what has happened. This is common following loss.

If you are supporting a friend or family member, it’s important for you to understand that you do not have to answer the question. Instead be present for them and allow them to explore their faith. It takes time. Do not judge their questioning of God. Do not attempt to persuade or dissuade them as they explore their feelings. Just be. They will do the work if given a safe, non-judgmental space to do it in. It’s important for YOU to have faith that the bereaved will come to a place in their faith that is right for them.

Death of a Hero

On June 17, 2011, Betty Fox, mother of Terry Fox died.

I never met the Fox family; however, I remember exactly the moment that Terry Fox dipped his foot into the waters of St. John’s Newfoundland to mark the beginning of his Marathon of Hope. My family and I had recently moved to Northern British Columbia and I was parked on the side of the road when a radio announcer began giving details of this brave young man’s dream to raise money and awareness for Cancer research across the country. From that moment on, I was hooked.

I kept close tabs on his whereabouts through radio and the paper. I can’t explain what it was, but I knew he was going to do something great. When he was forced to stop his run after 143 days and 5,373 kilometres, I wept. I was sad for his family, sad for his health and sad for his unrealized dream. Over the next year, there were snippets of news here and there and I took it all in, hoping and praying as everyone was, that the doctors were wrong, that a cure would be found, or that it simply was just a bad dream.

Terry Fox died on June 28, 1981. My husband and children and I had arrived in Surrey, BC the night before to visit with my mom. I knew that Terry Fox was in Royal Columbian hospital, about 30 minutes away but honestly had not thought about him in preparation of the trip or when we got there. We went to bed and I slept soundly until 4:30 am when I woke with a terrifying start. I sat up, looked at the clock and whispered as my eyes welled in tears, “Terry’s gone.” Of course, I told myself that I must have been dreaming and to just go back to sleep. When I got up a couple of hours later, the first news I heard was that Terry died at 4:35 am that morning.

I can’t explain what my emotional/spiritual connection with him was. We were close in age, grew up in the same area, but never met. He was a hero for me. And when his mom took up the “torch” to carry on his dream, she became my hero too.

Betty Fox established the Terry Fox Foundation. Thirty years have passed since the first Terry Fox Run took place with over $550 million dollars raised in 28 countries for Cancer research. An amazing accomplishment!

To the surviving Fox family members … God bless you all and may you find comfort in knowing that Betty and Terry made an immeasurable difference in this world and changed the lives of many…including mine.

The Loss of a Father

 

This is dedicated to my grandfather, father, brother, and to the father of my children. It’s been many  years since we held them close, but we have never forgotten them.

My Grandfather

The memories our family shares of these men are vast. Some are joyful, others are painful. The differences that any of us had with them were that… differences. There is no denying that at times those differences were outward disagreements that flared into raging blow-ups and one would wonder how the relationship could be sustained. Sometimes it took distance and time to let things settle and to return to a sense of calm. At other times, it took work to resolve the differences. Everyone had to drop their egos and commit to seek understanding, rather than demanding to be understood. It wasn’t easy; however, it was worth it. I had a good relationship with all of them and when they died… I had no regrets.



My dad



They were not perfect. They had flaws and issues in life, as we all do. Regardless of how those imperfections manifested, the one perfection they shared was that they were proud to be fathers and they loved their children. There is no second guessing that.

To hear this beautiful song, visit YouTube and search for John McDermott.





The Old Man   ~Phil Coulter



My brother, Brian



Gerry, my children's father



The tears have all been shed now
We've said our last good-byes
His soul's been blessed
He's laid to rest
And it's now I feel alone
He was more than just a father
A teacher, my best friend
He can still be heard
In the tunes we shared
When we play them on our own

I never will forget him
For he made me what I am
Though he may be gone
Memories linger on
And I miss him, the old man

As a boy, he'd take me walking
By mountain field and stream
And he showed me things
Not known to kings
And secret between him and me
Like the colors of the pheasant
As he rises in the dawn
And how to fish and make a wish
Beside the holly tree

I never will forget him
For he made me what I am
Though he may be gone
Memories linger on
And I miss him, the old man

I thought he'd live forever
He seemed so big and strong
But the minutes fly
And the years roll by
For a father and a son
And suddenly, when it happened
There was so much left unsaid
No second chance
To tell him thanks
For everything he's done

I never will forget him
For he made me what I am
Though he may be gone
Memories linger on
And I miss him, the old man.



The Loss of Joy

Precious babies and newborn animals bring joy to so many. Painting, photography, sculpting, gardening, mountain climbing and cooking are also ways that people experience joy. When you suffer a loss and it snuffs the joy out of your life, it’s difficult to put a smile on your face.

Death, divorce, and other painful transitions, including the ending of a relationship with a parent, sibling, child or friend are experiences that may leave one feeling abandoned, rejected, and unloved. Any one of these losses or endings takes time to reconcile and it is in the reconciling that we can begin to connect with joy again.

Here are some suggestions to help you reconnect with joy:

1. Watch a funny movie or television show – no greater story than that of Patch Adams, a doctor who infused humour into his work with gravely ill children, demonstrates how laughter can lighten the burden on your heart. It’s okay to laugh after loss. You are not being disrespectful and it actually has positive benefits for your health.
2. Take time to smell the flowers – I know that sounds very cliché, but it really is about allowing yourself to just stop, breath and take in the beauty around you. Look at the magnificence of this world and take in its wonder and know you are part of the beauty that abounds.
3. Go out of your way to help someone else – this too may sound simplistic, but it works. Visit the elderly, listen to their stories, and watch the joy in their faces as you take interest. It will lighten your mood and both of you will part feeling that you matter.
4. Play like a kid – all of us know someone who has a child or children that we can spend time with if we don’t have our own. Children live in the moment. They find great joy in seeking out small bugs, chasing garden snakes, finger painting, skipping through mud puddles or having a story read to them. Be a kid for day with them… I guarantee you will have a new perspective.
5. Allow the joy into your life – this is a hard one, but the most necessary. We have to allow the experience of joy back into our life again. Pick up the camera, the paintbrush or your old guitar… just allow yourself to feel the happiness  that the gifts you have can bring to you and others.
6. Start loving yourself today and purposefully smile in the mirror. Someone will be smiling back at you.

Ten Choices to Make When Life Feels Stuck!

1.  Choose your feelings

We have the right to choose our feelings and which of those feelings will take our attention. Acknowledge, name, and observe.

2.  Choose forgiveness for others and yourself

Learning to forgive does not mean  “It’s okay what you did to me” or  “I have no right to be angry.” You forgive the person, not the action.  In forgiving you are         taking the power and declaring, “I will not be a vessel for this ill feeling any longer.  I will not carry this anger in response to your actions.”  We must also learn to forgive ourselves for past mistakes. “We don’t make mistakes -- we make experiences!”

3.  Choose to let go of anger and resentment

It’s natural to feel anger and even resentment at times.  However, it’s not natural to carry those feelings around and it stops our lives cold when we do.  We must acknowledge the anger, give it a name, let it go, and move forward.  By holding on to these dark issues we give it power and control. Letting go takes back the control and opens your heart and soul to receive.

4.  Choose the present moment opposed to the past or future

The present moment is all we have.  Everything else (even as you read this) is one second in the past and one second in the future.  By focusing on what happened to you in the past means you remain living in the past.  By anticipating what will happen to you in the future,      you are grasping at what may or may not happen. By learning to be present in the moment, you begin to experience life more fully and see the beauty around you.

5.  Choose your thoughts to direct your life

This teaches the Universal Law of Attraction i.e: like attracts like; positive attracts positive.  If you put out positive thoughts you attract positive situations, people, and opportunity.

6.  Choose your soulful self over your physical self

The soul remains intact regardless of what happens to our physical bodies.  The blood and flesh are mere packaging.  No matter what circumstances we endure, the essence of who we are remains intact. You can choose to reclaim that essence. Don’t let your physical capabilities or deficits define who you are!

7.  Choose where you hold your power

Learn to center your energy on your inner self, and be mindfully aware of where you put your attention. Choose positive energy over negative energy.  Learn to let go of situations and people if it is not for your higher good.

8.  Choose to trust your inner self and create balance in life

We hold all the answers within to resolve situations, create what we want, and manifest what we need. We need to pay more attention to information, feelings, and the intuition that comes to us when we have asked for help.  Usually we aren’t listening. Learn to follow your instincts with confidence.               

9.  Choose to expect and receive abundance, prosperity and happiness

Once we are in balance, we can expect to have all our needs met.  We are worthy of              having abundance of love, money, happiness.  We must ask for what we need and want            and then be sure we do not sabotage our requests with negative thinking (fear based    emotions.)

10. Choose to discover your life purpose

We come to earth with a purpose; this life purpose is different for everyone. It can be from being a gardener to being famous. Often circumstances (tragedy) will move us to find this purpose. We must ask, trust, and follow.  When you find it -- you will know it. You feel  it.  Living our life purpose brings us joy and harmony! 



Brain Injury and Grief ~ Fact or Fiction?

There are many experiences in life that cause us to grieve. Generally, we think grief results from someone’s death. Certainly, death is a cause for grief; however, it is not the only way to experience loss. Divorce, separation, transitional losses (e.g. moving to a new community), and developmental losses (e.g. children leaving home) are also ways in which we can experience loss. In addition, chronic illness (Alzheimer's or Parkinson's disease) and catastrophic injuries (brain injury) cause loss too.

The grief journey is complex. It feels like a lonely path; nobody understands what you are going through. That is true. No one can truly understand how another person feels; however, those who have walked this journey never forget what they felt or experienced. They can be a tremendous source of strength and courage to you.

Understanding the grief journey and its connection with brain injury is important. It’s important because if you do not acknowledge the losses that arise from having a brain injury, it will be difficult – if not impossible – to move forward in life. This is true for the person who is living with the outcome of a brain injury and it is true for those in relationship with them (i.e. spouse, children, family and friends).

Think about the life losses that have you have experienced, including brain injury. Do you feel that you were able to fully acknowledge the grief that resulted from your loss?

                                 

Journaling Helps to Heal Your Heart

Keeping a journal has many benefits. The most obvious is that it is a way to record time, keep track of accomplishments, disappointments and transformations. The added benefits are very therapeutic. For example, keeping a journal to record your feelings and thoughts provides the writer with a safe, non-judgemental place to work through what is going on for them. Here are some basic guidelines for journaling that will help you or someone you know to get started:

ü  The journal is private property and unless the invitation is extended, it is for the writer’s eyes only.

ü  Include a statement like the following in the front of the journal: This journal is a record of my private thoughts. It is not intended to hurt anyone. It is intended to help me heal. Please respect my privacy and do not read.

ü  Pace yourself when writing about deep emotional pain. Do this by giving yourself permission to stop at the end of a page or two pages. Fold the page over from the outside to the binding to indicate to you that this was painful piece of work and you may not want to read it again.

ü  Do not judge while writing in a journal. Do not worry about grammar, spelling or punctuation. This is a place to safely tuck your innermost thoughts and feelings. Getting hung up on the “mechanics of writing” will interfere with the process.

ü  Use different coloured pens and pencils for added flair.

ü  Draw pictures or glue photos/images and words into the journal.

ü  Set aside private time to write in your journal. Ask to not be disturbed. Turn off the phone or go someplace very quiet and serene.

ü  After you finish journaling, take time to ease back into your daily routine. Sip hot tea, take a bath, or go for a brisk walk.

Grief is like Peeling an Onion

The grief journey is like peeling an onion ~ there are layers and layers to the loss and there are a lot of tears!

Tears have long been misinterpreted as a sign of weakness. We all know males who were told from a young age, “Big boys don’t cry.” For women, while it is more acceptable for us to weep, the acceptance is often couched in labels such as: “high strung, over-emotional, drama-queens, or hysterical.” It’s all bunk. Yes, there is no doubt that some people can take it to the extreme ~for both men and women~ but generally tears are a natural way to shed stress and feelings of sorrow.

There are times when we can’t put our feelings into words. Crying is a perfectly healthy way to release those emotions. Other times the heartbreaking reality of what is happening is so overwhelming that the body has to do something to let go of the pain. Isn’t it far better to go through a box of Kleenex than to inch yourself towards a heart attack or other physical response? I think so.

You may have encountered someone who responded to your tears with statements like: “Don’t cry.” “It’s okay.” “It’s not that bad.” “It’s not worth crying over.” Here is the truth why these people attempt to close the flood gates for others ~ they have not got the ability to be present to pain. Their efforts to stop the tears are about them… not the person who is crying.

So how do you convey support to someone who is distraught? Simply be present and allow them to feel what they need to feel for however long they need to feel it. Don’t attempt to suppress their tears. It’s okay, and loving, to gently place a hand on their shoulder, arm or leg to let them know that you are there and will be there for however long it takes.

Moreover, remember this: People can die from a broken heart ~ no one has died from crying.

Fifty Handpicked Souls

While the mother of a mother is often considered “older than Christmas” by youngsters, there is no denying that grandmas are the best cookie-makers, huggers, and cheerleaders. They overlook our flaws and exaggerate our accomplishments. Grandmas always have the right answer and they can negotiate privileges or requests on behalf of a grandchild with tremendous success.  My mother was one of them.

My mother, a grandmother to twenty-three young men and women, was the epitome of “wise.”  In fact, her grandchildren referred to her as the “walking encyclopaedia.”  When it came to doing homework, more often than not, the kids would call grandma for the answer before they would consider researching on the Internet or looking in a book.  Mom was an avid reader and kept herself informed of worldly events.  She understood politics, religion, the environment, and had an uncanny appreciation for the music of Alice Cooper.  Her greatest joy was her family and whenever possible she imparted the lessons of life to her children and her grandchildren.  This was never more evident than in her final days.

As it would be for any family, the approaching death of our mother was frightening and overwhelming.  We also realized that the advance knowledge of her death gave us a rare gift – the opportunity to have loving, heartfelt conversations that prepared us for her departure and allowed us to say thank you for all she had done.  We seized the opportunity and we encouraged her grandchildren to do the same.  There were tears, laughter, memories shared, and memories made. 

In the final week of Mom’s life, we began to schedule “private time” for each one of her children and each one of her grandchildren.  A few of the grandchildren are married, the majority were single and in their 20s, and a few were teens and preteens.  We left it up to our kids if they wanted to go together to talk with Grandma or they could go alone.  As their parents, while we wanted to protect them from the hurt, we made the decision for them to go without us.  We wanted their private time with Grandma to be special and not overshadowed by our feelings of sadness.

In her true spirit of loving and teaching, Mom bestowed each one of the grandchildren with a gift of words – something they could carry with them the rest of their lives.  Each message was different and given spontaneously in her conversations with them.  She articulated her philosophies to them about love, life, and having faith that we would meet again on the other side.  Of all the insight she offered, the most profound statement came in her discussions with my two daughters.    

Mom was explaining to the girls that she was sad she would not be here to see them have children.  Through tears, Dale suggested that Grandma could probably pick their children out for them when she got to heaven.  Myriah joined her sister in giggling and wiping away her share of the tears.  My mother paused briefly, and then reverently stated that she indeed would make it her mission while in heaven to choose babies for her grandchildren – she expected that a total of 50 precious souls would be needed to carry on her legacy. 

Time has passed quickly in the eight years since we said good-bye to Mom.  Each of us holds her memory close and remembers the lessons she taught, knowing that her love and wisdom transcends time and space.  More importantly, we are enjoying sharing life with some of those handpicked souls and look forward to her sending us more!

Photo Credit: Daniel St. Pierre/Free DigitalPhotos.net

Don’t Expect to Get Over Grief

You’ve heard the saying – “You can do this the easy way or you can do it the hard way!”  But what if the task at hand, such as grief, is already hard? There is no easy way to grieve. It is a long and difficult journey.  However, in my opinion, we make the journey longer and more difficult by not engaging in the process. 

Naturally, we want to avoid or move away from painful situations.  Unfortunately, we live in a society that supports moving away from the pain. Everything is a quick fix…fast e-mail, fast food, instant messaging and on and on… so it’s easy to expect people to “heal fast” and “get back to normal” so that they are fun for others to be around again.  People are expected to get over what has happened and to do it in a timely fashion. For those of us who have embarked on the journey of loss, we can tell you it is not that easy. 

It is said that “time heals all.” That is not true, especially for the bereaved.  We don’t get over our grief and we don’t “fix” a broken heart. We heal a broken heart by taking all the time we need to feel, remember and acknowledge the reality of our loss. We integrate the loss into our life and then we move forward. By working through the process and taking the time we need, we eventually renew our capacity to love, laugh, and plan for the future. There is no way to the other side of grief except to go through it.  Take time to heal – for however long that takes! You are worth it!