Mourning Avoidance

Doing the work of grieving and mourning is not pleasant work by any means; however, it is critically important to healing. You cannot sidestep grief or dismiss it. It will linger in the shadows and grab you by the throat at any given opportunity. The only way to get beyond the sorrow is to go through it to the other side.

The bereaved are not the only ones who may attempt to not do the work of grieving and mourning. Often family and friends will herd them along in an effort to rush them through the process. They don’t want to hear about your pain anymore. They don’t want to see you cry anymore. And they don’t want to talk about your loss anymore. Trust me… this is about them… not you.  It speaks directly to their inability to be present to your pain. It demonstrates they have issues around doing the work of healing. It says nothing about you; however, the common response is to take this on and interpret that the person who has suffered a loss is in the wrong.

Common ways that people attempt to avoid their own work or try to get others to avoid their work are:

• Busy themselves with work or activities so they don’t have to feel the pain or sorrow they are experiencing or so they are not available to loved ones who need support.
• Dismiss the conversation as soon as it comes up.
• Insist the bereaved sign up for volunteering, group work or a social activity so they keep busy.
• Tell the bereaved they shouldn’t talk about their loss so much or that it’s been “six months, you should be over it by now.”
• Dismiss someone’s pain by saying things like, “It’s all water under the bridge now… time to move on.”

Here are some things to keep in mind and perhaps use as a response to someone who is rushing you through the process:

• Grieving is a process, not an event. It is not predictable or orderly and it is not time-specific.
• The only wrong way to grieve is not to grieve.
• My pain may not coincide with your current agenda in life... I am sorry, but I need to work on my own journey and cannot be responsible for yours.
• Your pain and sorry may bring up unresolved grief for them. “Does my grief journey bring up unresolved grief for you? If it does, I will try to be mindful of this when we are together.”

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Loss of a Baby through Miscarriage

I suffered a miscarriage with my first baby. My mother and sisters also suffered miscarriages. And my eldest daughter also lost a baby to miscarriage. These were devastating and heartbreaking events for all of us and our families.

The emotional pain that results from miscarriages is often misunderstood. Friends and family, although well-intentioned, say things that are not hopeful or helpful. Here are just a few:

“At least you are young and you can get pregnant again.” Age has nothing to do with it and because a woman is pregnant once, twice or three times…it doesn’t mean she can conceive another time.

“At least you have a child.” This implies the person is being selfish because they are asking for more than one child, or that the child they have can replace the child they have lost.

“At least you lost the baby now and not after he or she was born.” This is not comforting! I know that much has been debated about ‘when life begins’; however, it’s suffice to say that it is not unusual for an emotional and heart-to-heart attachment between mom and baby to occur almost instantly.

For moms and dads, grandmothers and grandfathers, friends and extended family… there is an amazing website www.babylosscomfort.com that offers grief resources and information on what to say and do when someone you know has experienced the loss of a child. Information on pregnancy loss (tubal, infertility, stillbirth, miscarriage) support, music, and appropriate gifts and cards are also offered on this site.

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Norway Tragedy

A tragedy of enormous proportions occurred in Oslo when Norwegian suspect (32-year-old Anders Behring Breivik) bombed government buildings and went on a shooting rampage at a youth camp on an island nearby. Ninety-two innocent lives have been taken in this senseless and vicious attack. Throughout the world, people are shocked and sending thoughts of love and prayer to the victims’ families.

This horrific calamity will undoubtedly trigger ‘grief responses’ for those who were closely connected to the 911 disaster. Triggers commonly occur on or near a birthday or the anniversary of a loved one’s death. Triggers also arise from sights, smells, and sounds. Movies, poetry, songs, and the sight of your loved one’s favourite meal may also trigger feelings of loss. These are common responses and people can develop a plan to help them cope with the sudden feelings of sadness that take hold.

Individuals who were in 911 or lost a loved one in 911 may experience overwhelming and unexpected feelings of loss and sadness as a result of the Oslo tragedy. This will undoubtedly catch them off-guard and could result in them reliving the trauma. I want to assure those feeling this way that you are not doing anything wrong… this is a ‘normal’ response for what you have been through and it’s important for you to express your feelings and to reach out for support.

The following tips could help when a grief trigger occurs:

• Create a plan to help you cope with feelings of sadness or loneliness when your loved one’s birthday or anniversary of their death arrives.
• When a global tragedy takes places and it triggers grief (i.e. Oslo event triggers grief of 911) go into ‘emotional self-defense’ mode. Minimize, if not avoid all together, television, newspapers and radio so that you are not exposed to the incessant reporting of the event. Understand that you are not being disrespectful to those affected by the event-of-the-day, but rather taking an important and necessary step to not re-traumatize yourself.
• Ensure that you eat balanced meals, get at least 7 hours a night of rest, drink plenty of water and get some light exercise.
• Surround yourself with people who have like-minded experiences and will understand that you are feeling physiological and/or emotional responses to what has taken place.
• Reach out for professional support if needed. It’s okay to see a counsellor to discuss your feelings. It’s not wrong to have feelings because ten years have passed since 911. Time means nothing. Remember:  It isn’t the time that has passed that will heal us it’s what we DO in the time that has passed that will heal us. Your feelings are real and important. Again, you don’t need to explain the need for support to anyone. The counsellor will understand and provide a safe-nurturing environment for you to express your feelings of sorrow.
• Allow yourself to laugh. Do what you need to do to ‘lighten up’. Watch a comedy, tell jokes, do something fun. Again, you are not disrespecting those affected by today’s events, but you are taking care of your own needs and you do not have to explain this to anyone.

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Immeasurable Losses

Loss is different for each person. None of us can judge or measure the impact for another, but we can allow them to teach us the magnitude of their loss and how it has affected them. We can honour that their grief journey is unique to them and the bumps and boulders they encounter along the path will not occur in the same place that it would for us. It’s an individual process with no specific timeframe.

Given my personal experience, I appreciate how twisty the road can be. I know that some days I did better than others and at times, I was a mess. I couldn’t predict when or how my pain would be triggered. It would just happen and when it did, it took hold rendering me incapacitated for hours or days. It was what it was.

Although my family and I (children, mother, siblings, nieces, nephews and extended family) were grieving multiple deaths in a short period of time, we had a small amount of time between each death. It wasn’t enough time to reconcile the loss of one person before another death occurred, and that complicated the journey for each of us. We were grieving a number of family members (my father, husband, and brother) and therefore, we were also grieving the loss of a ‘family unit’ as we knew it.

In 2004, Marc Woerlen lost his pregnant wife Monika, and their seven children in a house fire while he was out of town on business. The newspaper picture of Mr. Woerlen carrying his baby girl’s casket in his arms spoke of an immeasurable loss. A beautiful wife, seven children, aged 11 years to 19 months, and an eighth baby on the way... and all at once, they were gone. I never met Mr. Woerlen, but his story deeply affected me.

The pictures of this man at the funeral show him surrounded by a large network of family and friends. He declared that his faith would get him through this insurmountable tragedy. I am confident that his religion did help him work through the process; however, I have often wondered ... how does one work through the pain of losing every person in your family at one time? Not only would he grieve the loss of his ‘family unit’, but he had a special relationship with his wife and each one of his children, including his unborn son or daughter. His journey would require that he reconcile each one of those relationships. Extraordinary!

The death of a loved one is heartbreaking. The death of an entire family is ‘heartbreaking magnified’.

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Forget-Me-Not

Losing a loved one to Alzheimer’s and Dementia is devastating. Family and close friends are usually the first to see the subtle, yet startling changes brought about by these diseases. The changes begin slowly and often people from the outside looking in don’t realize or understand the difficulty that the person and their family are having. In this aspect, the process is reminiscent of my experience in brain injury.

Families struggling to cope with cognitive changes in a love one are at risk for burnout and their own health problems as they advocate for services and provide care for the person. As well, they attempt to make sense of what is happening in their life and their loved one’s life: “Why us?” “Why them?” “Why now?” These questions are normal as we search for meaning in our losses. Although the person is here in the physical form, the very essence of who they are slowly disappears and it’s heartbreaking.

Self-care is critically important to those providing care. You are the one person your loved one has come to rely upon. If you burnout and/or put your personal health at risk, you will not only be unable to care for your loved one, you won’t enjoy quality of life for yourself.

There is tremendous support for families caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Begin today by visiting www.alzheimer.ca or www.alz.org. There is a plethora of information available online; however, having conversations with those who have experience with these devastating diseases will be beneficial.

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Moving forward in life takes G.U.T.S.

Throughout life there are many opportunities for change. Sometimes we choose to make the change (e.g. weight loss, relocating, employment etc.). Events that we may not choose for ourselves, also happen (e.g. death of a loved one, loss of employment, divorce etc.) and these force change. At some point, we then choose to move forward and that may initiate even more change. Whether it is personal development, resolving differences, or healing our own wounds, it takes G.U.T.S. to move on.

G.U.T.S. stands for: Grace, Understanding, Truthfulness, and Self-Confidence

Grace – being trusted and respected; a polite respect

Grace can be a movement or a prayer. When people say someone is “in a state of grace” or they are “full of grace” I believe the definition above applies. Being trusted and respected by others is an admirable goal; one that I personally strive to achieve and maintain. However, we also need to trust and respect ourselves. We may not handle every situation in the best possible way. We may not live up to the expectation of others. We may even be disappointed in our own efforts, or lack of. It doesn’t mean that we should become bitter and cynical and give up on ourselves or anyone else. Instead, seek forgiveness for yourself and others, trusting that generally people are doing the best they can do at the time. Begin trusting and respecting “you” today – others will follow.

Understanding – the way you look at a situation; awareness of other people’s feelings

One of my favourite prayers is St. Francis of Assisi. The verse, “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love,” offers tremendous support when resolving differences with others. If we seek to understand where the other person is coming from or how they feel, rather than ensuring they understand our position first, we gain a different perspective on the situation and may find it easier to resolve differences. This, of course, is a “two-way street” – the other party also needs to seek to understand first, rather than to be understood.

Truthfulness – accurate; true to life

Being truthful with oneself isn’t easy; however, to bring about lasting change in one’s life, you have to be completely honest with yourself. What do you need to do to move forward? What have you done, or are you doing that is holding you back or sabotaging your efforts? What limiting belief are you using for an excuse to not go after what you really want? How have you contributed to the situation at hand? Are you stone-walling a resolution to differences with others? Look in the mirror… be honest, forgive yourself and move on!

Self-Confidence – trust in your own abilities and judgement

When we suffer a tragedy in life (i.e. death of a loved one), or something difficult takes place (i.e. loss of job or divorce), it’s not uncommon to lose confidence. The world as you knew it shifted and the foundation you built may not feel so solid anymore. It takes strength and courage to rebuild a life, but it is worth doing. We all came here for a purpose and we all have the right to live fully and in joy. It doesn’t mean, however, that we can expect to go throughout life without feeling pain, sadness or sorrow. Do whatever it takes to rebuild your confidence. Begin today to trust your abilities and judgement. Take small steps if you need to, but keep working at it and soon you will feel and look confident. Others will see the confidence in you and will support your efforts to move forward in life.  Repeat this often: “I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”(William Ernest Henley)

The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

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Create a Memory Tree

It’s important for loved ones who are approaching the end of life to have the opportunity to do a ‘life review.’ This is a time for them to reflect on their life and to reminisce about their loved ones too. Often it’s difficult for families to start those conversations. A number of reasons may get in the way – they don’t know what to say and/or they don’t want to upset the person.

People enjoy talking about their lives and remembering the good times. They may not want to talk about everything but it’s doubtful they would not want to say anything. Just get the conversation going.

Here are some suggestions that may help spending time with a loved one who is approaching the end of life:

1. Get out the photo albums and start talking about the people and activities in the picture. Record what is being told so you have the historical information to pass on to younger generations.
2. Ask questions about the person’s life as a child. What was their favourite food? What was their favourite subject in school? What did they want to be when they grew up? Where was their favourite place to visit?
3. Create a memory tree together. This will generate some great conversation and it will provide a host of topics for other visitors to talk about too. I guarantee it will take care of those times when the silence takes over and people don't know what to say.
1. To make a memory tree, purchase a silk or real plant that has lots of branches, such as an Indoor Fiscus Plant. 
2. Place a supply of paper hearts and pens nearby. Punch a small hole in the heart and string with thread and tie in a knot so the heart can hang from a branch.
3. Record your favourite memory, like “The trip to Disneyland when I turned 12.” And then sign your name. It will be easy for others to ask questions. For example, a grandchild may ask, “Tell me about the trip you took to Disneyland when my mom was 12.”

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Remember the Past ~ Live in the Present

You don’t forget someone when they die. How could you? As time passes, you may forget smaller details, but the person and what they meant to you in life will not drift away. It’s been twenty years since my husband died and I remember even the smallest detail… like how he used to wear his watch with the face sitting on the side of his wrist so that when he glanced down while driving he didn’t have to turn his hand to see the time.

Living in the present is to be mindfully aware of life today – not being stuck in the past and only living in the memories or projecting yourself into the future and worrying about what could happen next. It’s okay to treasure the memories of the past and to reminisce, but to move forward in life does require a conscious effort to live life fully and with intention. Experiences, including grief and loss, are what make up the fabric of our lives… but they don’t define us.

Memories are precious… they certainly have brought me joy and comfort over the years. To allow myself to languish in the past would mean that I miss the beauty of living today. It’s important to accept that we don’t get to choose when someone will die, how they will die, how old they will be when they die, or where we are at on the journey with them when they die. We only get to choose to survive and to live our life until we die.

Allowing yourself to live fully does not diminish your loved one’s memory. Live every minute of every day with joy and intention – it is possibly the best way to pay tribute to them!

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A Farewell Journal

When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer the doctors said her days were limited. They couldn’t say exactly how long, but they did make it clear that it would not be long. She lived for three weeks.

Those three weeks were intense. One sister lived with our mom and three of us moved home for the duration. Our younger brother lived a short distance away and was there on a daily basis. As you can imagine, many people wanted to come and see mom as the news travelled. She wanted to die at home so we had a hospital bed set up in the living room where she could be surrounded by her collection of elephants, art, music, and a water fountain. It also made it nice for people to come and visit.

I noticed when people came to visit that they wanted to tell her how they felt but they held back for fear of upsetting her or getting emotional. I came up with an idea and I called it Mom’s Farewell Journal. I purchased a journal and marked off the first couple dozen pages for her children and grandchildren’s names. The rest of the pages were open for everyone else. When people came to visit, I asked if they would like to write something for mom in her Farewell Journal. As you can imagine, the initial look was that of wide eyes accompanied by a gasp. I would go on to explain the “guidelines”:

·         People could write whatever they wanted to her

·         The journal would remain by her beside for her eyes only; if she wanted to read it she would, if not, it stayed closed

·         The journal would be buried with her

What I was looking for was a way for people to give expression to their feelings, but something wonderful and unexpected happened in the process. Our mom did read some of the entries. One afternoon as she sat curled up in her chair with a shawl and her reading glasses sitting on the edge of her nose, she began to weep as she read an entry. We never asked what was in the journal. And we didn’t ask that day either. We were all committed to keeping the promise to others that what they had to say was confidential and for her eyes only. Mom didn’t tell us what she was reading, but she did offer this, “I had no idea that I meant so much to people. Some of the things that I have read, I don’t even remember doing. It just goes to show, that you have no idea how one little gesture or act of kindness can make such a difference in another’s life.”

We instantly got it… what was meant to bring closure for those who needed to say goodbye, was also bringing closure to her as she prepared to make the journey. The journal went from being 1 inch thick to about 3 or 4 inches thick… people stuffed it with book marks, cards and letters that they wanted her to keep. I carried the journal with me to her funeral. With only minutes remaining before her service began and the casket was to be closed, my cousin Vance, who loved her dearly, stood solemnly writing his words of love to her. He handed me the book and I tenderly placed in the casket on her hands, wishing her God speed. The funeral director slowly lowered the lid to seal our promise.

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Loss and Addictions

There are many kinds of addictions: Tabacco, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex and work to name a few. People can even be addicted to seeking approval and acceptance or to anything that will give them an adrenaline rush. In my opinion, people can even be addicted to drama and chaos in their live.

People become addicted as a way to escape. Unresolved grief is one of the painful experiences that people will try to escape and possibly medicate themselves through drugs and alcohol.

Addictions are debilitating and do not affect only the addict. Their family and friends are affected as well. Society as a whole is affected. We think if the person would just get help and give up whatever it is that they are addicted to then life would get back to normal. It doesn’t work that way.

A person has a long road ahead of them when working through their addictions and revealing what’s beneath the surface. They may experience a lot of shame and guilt about what has been happening and they struggle with the loss of who they were and could have been. They experience the loss of shattered dreams and goals for the future. They pay a hefty price for their craving.

Family and friends also pay a hefty price. They experience loss of who the person was and who they could be. They may be affected financially and socially too because of the addict’s choices. They experience the loss of trust for they have heard many times that the addict will not do it again. And, they experience loss of their dreams and goals for the family as a whole.

Addictions are far too complex a topic to discuss in this blog, but it’s an important and crushing problem in our world today.  Fortunately, we do talk about addictions today and people are more willing to get help once they are ready… it’s no longer ‘taboo.’

The main point of today’s blog is to make people aware that the layers of loss experienced by the family and the addict are profound. While it may be easy to judge how it could be handled, it is impossible to understand what it is like unless you walk in their shoes.

For anyone needing assistance or support, or would like to learn more about addictions, look for Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous or Al-Anon meetings in your local area.

It’s Never too Late to do the Work of Mourning

Five-time Grammy Award winner, Shania Twain has bared her soul in the reality series Why Not? (OWN) and book From This Moment On. Shania shares the heart-wrenching loss of her parents who died in a car crash when she was only 22 years old and the painful ending to her marriage following an affair that her husband and best friend had.

Shania’s story so poignantly demonstrates what I am writing about in my book Extraordinary Mourning: Healing for a Broken Heart: Grief and loss pay no heed to age, gender, education, wealth or social status.  Loss will affect us all personally in some way and at some time. Shania shares with the viewers and readers how loss happens in different ways (i.e. death and divorce) and that grief when left unreconciled can have debilitating effects on one’s life. Shania lost her ‘voice’ and was not able to sing for a number of years following her marital breakup.

Grief is like a crop of dandelions. It spreads quickly and on a mass scale. You can take your power mower and cut it all down and before you get the gardening tools put away you can watch a bright yellow head pop right back up in the lawn. Why? Because you pushed over it… you didn’t get to the root of it!

In order to reconcile grief, you have to hit it head on… no matter how frightening, overwhelming or uncomfortable. You can’t turn your back on it. It won’t disappear simply because you stuff it away and attempt to keep it hidden by carrying on day-to-day as though it never existed. Grief is relentless and it is a master of disguise. If you don’t deal with it this time, it will surface again in some other way.

To compound matters, if you do not adequately reconcile a loss, when you experience a new loss, you may be surprised that your response to the new loss is so much more over the top than the previous one. That is because the unreconciled grief bubbled to the surface and rolled itself into the new experience, hence, the ‘snowball effect’.

There is only one way to knock grief out and that is to deal with it. To walk through the pain and face all that you need to face with the goal of letting it go and integrating the loss into your life. Shania’s recent journey to work through unresolved grief was courageous and inspirational. It was no easier for her than it would be for me or you. Her suffering has cost her dearly and not only in the monetary sense.

 Shania shows herself and the world that it is never too late to do the work of grieving and mourning. In fact, it is a process that may take a lifetime.

Death of a Colleague

Cst. Styles

On Tuesday, July 5^th the family, friends and colleagues of York Regional Police Constable Garret Styles will lay him to rest. Styles, 32 years of age, was pinned beneath a vehicle driven by a 15 year-old driver and dragged for 300 metres while calling for help on his radio. Three teen passengers were also in the car. Constable Styles died in hospital.

The loss for all who knew and loved him is immeasurable. Their journey will be long and arduous. It will be fraught with tears and sadness, slightly comforted knowing that Styles was a hero and gave of his life doing a job that he was devoted to. 

Constable Styles' death certainly unleashes a flood of memories around my husband’s death. He too, was a dedicated police officer devoted to keeping law and order in our streets and being of service to his country. Naturally, his death rippled far and wide in the community affecting not only family, friends and colleagues, but people in the community who barely knew him as well as those who didn't.  His death scarred the hearts of many. Although we, his family, suffered tremendously, his colleagues also marched forth in a sea of profound sorrow.

My husband, Cst. Breese

I remember going through his clothes and uniforms to return them to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP). While I carefully packed things up, my heart was also breaking for his fellow officers assigned to clean out his locker and wondered whose belongings would now fill the space. I thought about the next officer to drive his police car. I wondered how the next officer to ride the motorcycle that he was injured on would feel.  I knew his ‘peace officer family’ was wounded too and that their journey would be equally as long and difficult.

A major difference between his colleagues’ grief journey and ours was that they had to return to work as scheduled. They had no time to work through the process of losing a ‘brother’.  Although there were resources available to them, twenty-one years ago grief counselling was not promoted in a big way. And the aftermath of unresolved grief manifested over the next few years for many of his colleagues in painful ways.  There were some who drank heavily, the relationships of others became unstable - a couple of them spiralling downward and ending in divorce. There were other officers who retired… ones that I never thought would dream of leaving the force. Everyone’s world had shifted and it seemed as though we had all lost our footing.

The impact the death of a colleague can have in the workplace should not be dismissed. People should be encouraged to seek support to work through their feelings and connection to the person. It’s not weak or shameful to be shaken by a co-workers death. The reality of loss is that it can blast the sturdiest of foundations, leaving people with an overwhelming uncertainty.  It’s important to work through the process so they can go on to live life fully.

To Constable Styles’ family, friends and colleagues… may God be with you and comfort you in knowing that he served his community and country with dignity and grace. May the precious memories you have bring you comfort.

Celebrate the Freedom and Independence of North America

On July 1^st in Canada and on July 4^th in the United States of America, families and friends gather for picnics and BBQs to celebrate the independence and freedom of their country. When you gather on this holiday, take a moment to pay tribute to those who have fought for our freedom and for those who will continue to do so. Be proud of your heritage and the country you live in.

O Canada!Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

*******************************

The Star Spangled Banner

O! say can you see by the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
’Tis the star-spangled banner, O! long may it wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion,
A home and a country, should leave us no more?
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave,
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war’s desolation.
Blest with vict’ry and peace, may the Heav’n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: “In God is our trust;”
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

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