One Day at a Time

We grow up learning the importance of setting goals, taking action and planning for success. We are encouraged to set resolutions or goals on New Year’s, or on our birthday, or even when there is a new moon. We are told from our first pay cheque that it is important to put money away for our retirement. Planning for the future seems to have a strong grip on living day-to-day. That is until something happens to us or someone we love and suddenly the lesson is: You have to learn to live one day at a time. Am I the only one that struggles with this contradiction?

Learning to live ‘one day at a time’ is a challenge for everyone. So, what does it mean to live one day at a time? Does it mean that we don’t plan for the future? Does it mean that we throw all caution to the wind and neglect our responsibilities? Unfortunately, no… we still have to pay the bills, clean the house, go to work, and make sure there is enough money in the bank to take care of us in our old age.

Recently, my husband became ill with a progressive, degenerative disease. While it is an illness that cannot be reversed and requires a strict health regime, he could live for a long time with it. Because he cannot be cured, we are now forced to live one day at a time. For me that means if he wakes up and he is having a good day (no pain, feels not bad, spirits are good) then it is a good day and I move along doing the things I planned, such as working, grocery shopping or writing. A good day doesn’t mean that he is cured or his health problems have gone away… it just means it is a good day. Likewise, if he wakes up and is having a bad day (discomfort, fatigue, fever etc.) then the day is modified accordingly, which may mean I won’t be working and things are kept low key for the day or it could be as drastic as having to make a trip to the doctor’s or emergency ward. It doesn’t mean that he has reached the next medical crisis, or that it is the day his life will end. It just means it’s not a good day. This is living one day at a time. However, it’s not easy for either of us.

Here are some things I have learned to accept and incorporate into ‘living one day at a time’:

·         Make plans as I have always done and trust if they go awry, I will get another opportunity to complete them.

·         Don’t over commit. Every commitment I make is done with the caveat “I may have to cancel on short notice.’ If that is a problem for the other person, it gives them an opportunity to tell me and we can make other arrangements.

·         Delegate responsibilities to others or ask them to be a backup for me if I am not able to follow through as planned.

·         Plan for extra time to complete tasks.

·         Be flexible with myself, others and the situation.

·         Ask for help when needed – it isn’t a sign of weakness.

·         Prioritize, prioritize. Do the things that are necessary and important first – if I can manage to add in more, then bonus.

·         Don’t procrastinate – if I do have time to add one step in or one task, then do it. Pacing is important so if I let things pile up for ‘another day’ it will only result in me being overwhelmed.

·         Remember to breath and tell myself: I am doing the best that I can in the circumstances.    

Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster

Riding a roller coaster is a great thrill for many people. That is, of course, when one is referring to an amusement park ride. The other type of roller coaster is an emotional roller coaster and this refers to going through an experience or situation that has sudden and unpredictable changes. This is the closest description of the grief journey that there is: Unpredictable and sudden changes.

I often use the analogy of a roller coaster when attempting to describe the grief journey to others. I tell them, “It is the roller coaster ride from hell!” Anyone who has been down this path will agree. At any time, the person can be caught off guard by sudden feelings of sadness and sorrow. Feelings of despair and hopelessness may overwhelm them when least expected: Grief bursts happen at the grocery store, in a line up, or at any other innocuous time. If this happens to you or someone you know, understand that it is perfectly normal. The feelings associated with loss are representative for what you are going through.

How do you survive the emotional roller coaster (besides hanging on for dear life)? First of all, cut yourself some slack. The grief process is not something that you can control. What you can do is this: Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, in the way you need to feel it, for however long you need to feel it. Some other suggestions that may help are:

·    When you are having a bad day, delegate responsibilities to others to carry out if they cannot wait until another day or time

·    If you must take care of certain details yourself, then do only that which is pressing and urgent – believe me, everything else can wait

As I have written so many times, the grief process is long and not time-specific. I can’t tell you when things will get better, but I do know that you will know. In the meantime, as you travel this path build in measures to help you cope. When I teach students and individuals about the grief journey, I refer to my S.H.A.R.E. program. Here is what it stands for:

·    Support – seek support that is both long-term and short-term. It may or may not be the same people that provide both, but you will need both.

·    Hope – hope is that intangible thing that gives us strength and support to carry on. You may not feel hopeful, but look for hope in people and things around you. Hope is seeing or feeling that things will get better. It may be difficult to feel hopeful, but look for it and allow it to come into your life.

·    Acknowledge – it’s so important that you be able to talk about the life you had, the life you are living now, and what life will look like in the future. This means that you will talk and talk and talk. The person you may be talking with could be a counselor, pastor or trusted friend. You can also do this work by writing in a journal. This is a very important component to healing so do not underestimate the benefit of talking with someone.

·    Reflection – this too can be done through journal writing, but it also can be done when sitting by the water’s edge, walking in a park, or any other place that provides you with quiet, privacy and solitude.

·    Engage in Life – this is your ‘graduation’ from doing the work of grieving; however, it is also something that we choose to do. When we begin to make plans for the future, connect with friends and activities that we enjoy doing, it is a sign that we are healing. Don’t rush this part and don’t expect others to get to this point too quickly. It takes work and time to get here, but eventually you will get there. You will never forget where you have been or what you have lost – but you do deserve to live your life and to do it with happiness.

Smiling in the Rain

A broken heart is certain to garner a lot of tears. Our energy is depleted; sleeping, eating and activity routines are disrupted. We feel out of sorts and often could care less about getting out of bed. Combine this with dreary, dismal weather and it becomes almost impossible to move one foot in front of the other.

I don’t have a lot of difficulty during the winter months when the sky is grey and light is lower; however, I do know that in general when the sun comes out and skies are blue, I am more energized and can’t wait to take on the day. Having said that, when a loved one has died, it didn’t matter what time of year it was, I still experienced sadness, sorrow and a host of other grief symptoms. But if the sun was shining it was easier to take my tears and sit outside in the fresh air and allow myself to be enveloped by the natural beauty around me.

I am not talking specifically about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) here, although individuals living with this disorder may resonate with what I have to say. SAD is a cause for depression generally in the winter months; however, some people may also experience it during the summer months. The amount of light, genetics, hormones and body temperature are all factors that contribute to this disorder. Not unlike other types of depression, SAD may be effectively treated with antidepressants, exercise and therapy. If you think you have SAD, it is important to discuss this with your doctor.

I am writing about a more general decrease in energy because of weather conditions and feelings associated with grief being compounded by those conditions. It’s easy to say that all we need to do is to wait it out and the weather will change; however, it may feel endless for someone living through it. Nonetheless, if a person can push him or herself to do something in spite of the dismal skies, they may be able to elevate their mood. Here are some suggestions:

·         Watch funny movies or television shows

·         Go for a walk on the beach, in a park, or around the block

·         Listen to music – make a conscious choice if music affects you the way it does me. I can be rendered to tears in no time if the song conjures up memories of a loved one who has passed. So if I need to elevate my mood, I purposefully choose upbeat, dancing-type music.

·         Take up painting – be playful, not perfect

·         Visit a shelter, the elderly or speak with the homeless. They all have stories too and sometimes listening to what others are going through helps us to find strength to endure our own situation.

·         Invite friends over for coffee or a light meal – share some laughs and/or have a heart to heart chat to get your feelings out.

·         Play with a child or children – no matter the plight of our world, children stay in the moment and will help you to laugh, be imaginative, and just plain silly. Don’t think it will work? Try it!

·         Smile – at first, it may feel forced but keep doing it and eventually it will become second nature

Rest in Peace, Sarah Burke

Sadly, Sarah Burke, Canadian Freestyle Skier, died on January 19, 2012 after suffering a severe head injury during a training run on January 10, 2012. Burke leaves behind her husband, Rory Bushfield, family, friends, respected colleagues and adoring fans.

My heart, first and foremost, goes out to her immediate circle of family and friends. The heartbreak of losing a loved one is formidable. Ms. Burke, at 29 years old, was a promising and talented athlete; she was known for living life to the fullest and for being an exemplary role model in her community.

She inspired women, in particular, young women to go after their dream – no matter how big or how small. Burke was a pioneer forging ahead in uncharted territory. It was her dream to be an Olympic champion and she advocated for many years to have her sport included. She succeeded in her quest and was to compete in the next Olympics. She was favoured to win a gold medal and although she won’t be there, she won for women around the globe with changing the face of the Olympics. Undoubtedly, she had so much more to do and so much more to give.

Traveling the grief journey is frightening, lonely, and long. Each of us that have walked this path can attest to the chaotic and unpredictable days ahead for her loved ones. There is no doubt they will have unprecedented support as they prepare to say their goodbyes and lay Ms. Burke to rest. This is painful and difficult to do at the best of times; it must be even more so when done with the eyes of the world watching.

It is a bit of a catch-22 - while it’s wonderful and comforting for the family to know that others share in their loss, they need privacy in the coming days as well. As long as the media and fans send their prayers and heartfelt condolences from a respectful distance, then the family’s needs will be met and others will have an opportunity to share their feelings too.

The other part of me is saddened that yet another life is taken from a brain injury. Yes, Burke was wearing a helmet and sometimes, it doesn’t make a difference. Her injury put her into cardiac arrest at the scene and she suffered extensive brain damage from lack of oxygen. Perhaps this is why her death hits so close to home for me. My husband was also wearing a helmet when he was injured and his injury thrust him into cardiac arrest too, leaving him with significant oxygen deprivation and brain damage as a result. He also died months later of a cardiac arrest. Still, I advocate strongly for helmet use on the mountains, in the streets and on walkways. Many more are saved than die – helmets do make a difference!

Please continue to wear a helmet when riding a motorcycle or bicycle and/or playing hockey, snowboarding, skiing, or riding small wheeled vehicles (inline skates, scooters and skateboards). Stay safe, have fun and remember the heroes whose lives were lost far too soon, yet who will remind of us of how precious life is for years to come.

May you rest in peace, Sarah Burke. You made a difference in this world and you won’t be forgotten. My heartfelt condolences go to her family.

Loss of Confidence

Confidence is defined as having faith in someone or something. Having confidence enables us to do so many things in life. Confidence is something we continually strive to hold. Confidence is something we develop for ourselves and something that we can glean through the encouragement of others. And confidence is the one of the first things to go when we lose our footing in life.

Following the death of a loved one, we lose our sense of feeling safe. Everything is turned upside down. Nothing is for certain anymore; all that you thought was, is now gone. The platform of life has crumbled and it’s frightening to take a step into the future. Certainly, other events in life also cause us to lose confidence: infidelity, divorce, relationship changes, job loss, financial disaster, and compromised health, to name a few. Some of the most stoic and confident men and women in this world have fallen on their knees in prayer because disaster struck in their life and their confidence was shattered. It happens at one time or another – to everyone.

After my brother’s death, I had no confidence in myself to move forward in life. I doubted that I could do what needed to be done to survive. I had no confidence in my ability to recreate any happiness in my life. I had no confidence that I could achieve what I came to this earth to achieve – after all, if his life could end far too soon, then mine could too. I was scared. My siblings were afraid too. So were his wife and children. All of us had lost our confidence. I experienced this again when my husband died.

What does one do to rebuild their confidence? It isn’t any one thing. It’s many. Rebuilding confidence comes through reflection, healing, support from others, baby steps, solitude, prayer, and remembering to breathe. There is one thing that is imperative to NOT do and that is to languish in negative self-talk. The moment you hear yourself say, “I can’t do this” or “I am just a screw up” or “My life is a waste” hit the ‘mental delete button’! That’s right… the delete button. Visualize a large computer button that says delete and hit it. The more you do this, the easier it will be to stop those statements. It’s important you do because those words will hold you back indefinitely. Continue to surround yourself with those who believe in you and love you unconditionally. Your confidence may not be restored overnight, but I promise, it is something that we can regain… it just takes time.

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann penned the beautiful poem, Desiderata in 1927. It became one of the most popular songs recorded in the 70s. As a teenager, I found great comfort in the words. Today, as a mother and grandmother, I still find comfort in its words. When I was in my 20s, following the murder of my brother-in-law, I began an eleven year spiritual journey. At the conclusion of that journey, I truly understood and believed that I came here as Child of God… and I will leave here as a Child of God. I hope you too will find comfort in Mr. Ehrmann’s precious words. To listen to an audio version, visit YouTube and search for Desiderata or click on this link to hear my personal favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDHoflDhAOo&feature=related

Desiderata

~Max Ehrmann – 1927

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.