Connection not Perfection

When life becomes difficult, we crave for the way it used to be. We desperately want to go back to what we know, what worked, what was comfortable, and that which brought us joy and happiness. There isn’t anything wrong with this thinking. It’s pretty normal. The problem is that in an attempt to recreate those feelings, no matter how hard we try, we can’t get back there. Why? Because our perception of what was and expectation of what should be, is often skewed.  

Think about planning a wedding, or your child’s first birthday, or a dream vacation… subconsciously we want it to go off perfectly and without a hitch. The same skewed thinking happens when we recall events. Sometimes our memory of what took place is better than it actually was. So you see the expectations of what should be may be unrealistic and/or the perception of events or relationships in the past may be more glamorous than they really were. Perfection doesn’t exist.

Some of the families that I have had the privilege of working with are struggling to get back to where they were before one of them was injured. Their perception is that the ‘old life’ was perfect. It wasn’t. They expect that if they just work hard, and harder, they can recreate it. They can’t. The experience alone has changed all of them. Add cognitive and/or physical challenges to the mix and it’s a given they won’t get back to exactly who they were as a family. That isn’t to say it can’t or won’t be good or great again, it just won’t be the same as it was.

Tragedy, catastrophic injury, and chronic illness are some of the reasons that a family undergoes significant change. Other causes include addictions, financial stresses, and more. In all instances, the family members may lose their connection to one another. The demands and burdens these changes bring to a family interrupts how they function as a unit and therefore, relate to one another.  

Working through significant issues with a trained professional is often beneficial in helping families to reconnect. However, using a mindful approach to reconnect in day-to-day interactions with one another is also helpful. Rather than striving to reach perfection in planning an event or in recreating past feelings, strive for connection. Make the focus on connecting with each other and enjoying being together. Create memories and don’t focus on the past. If the desire is to move forward then remember and enjoy the past – just don’t live in it.

To My Brother, Brian

Why do weekend mornings and coffee go together so well? It’s like a little piece of heaven to slow things down and enjoy some time to relax with a good cup of coffee, a good book, or good company. It’s something that we take for granted; however, when life has been turned upside down and is fraught with worry or sorrow, it is these simple pleasures that we miss the most.

When a loved one has passed or a family member is chronically ill and the day seems to pull you in so many directions, life becomes pure chaos. Nothing makes sense. It’s difficult to remember why you walked into a room. You may be thinking you are having a good day and suddenly, something skips through your mind (a song, a smell, a picture) and you unleash a bucket of tears. Are you crazy? Not at all! The grief journey is hard. It’s a long road and the sadness of losing a loved one creeps into your day throughout the remainder of your life.

My brother, Brian died on March 10, 1989. My last memory of him and I doing something together was the month before he died. We sat in my kitchen on a Sunday morning having coffee. Simple, sweet, quiet… just me and him exchanging stories about our life, sharing thoughts on the lessons we learned and just being a brother and sister. Precious time I will forever treasure. I thank him for bringing me this memory as I sit here quietly enjoying a lovely cup of coffee.

The End of the Rainbow

A while ago, when driving with my eldest daughter, we were in awe of a rainbow that was before us. As we drove closer towards the intersection, we were amazed to see that the end of the rainbow was appearing right before our very eyes. The beautiful colours pooled together to sit on a vacant lot slated for construction. It was rather unappealing… construction fence, rocks, debris and dirt! How disappointing! No magical shamrocks floating in the air, no tiny men in little green suits dancing about, and certainly no pot of gold to be found… just a desolate looking piece of ground.

Last week, both daughters joined me for lunch and a pedicure. Our first real ‘girl day’ in a long time and somehow the topic of this rainbow came up. My eldest daughter, Myriah, giggled her way through the story telling her sister how finding the end of the rainbow and it not being a pretty sight, could only happen to us. Dale, my younger daughter, was quick to respond, “Maybe it wasn’t the end of the rainbow. Maybe that was the beginning and it isn’t supposed to be magical.” All three of us had an ‘aha’… yeah, maybe it wasn’t the end that we found, it was just the beginning.

What Dale’s response reminded me of is that everything ‘is a matter of perspective.’ It’s the half empty – half full thing. We can look at life and think that what is going on is unfair. Or we can look at the situation and ask, “What am I to learn from this? What is the gift in this experience?” Oh I know, at the time, some of our experiences are more like torture and don’t look anything like a present wrapped in pretty paper and bows. I have had those experiences too, but when I do the work of healing my broken heart, I do find a gift in the experience. Sometimes it’s my own strength, my resourcefulness, my determination to survive, or the incredible amount of love given freely to me by family and friends.

So yes, I still believe in the magic at the end of the rainbow for I know that what I see is truly dependant on my interpretation.

God's Tree

Many years ago, I attended a certification course in Colorado, which was held at a retreat center. As part of our training we had to spend one day in silence… from the time we went to bed until 3 pm the following day; about 15 hours. During the time of silence, we were not allowed to utter a word… not even a ‘good morning’ to the other participants. It sounds easy, but it was truly difficult.

During the silence we were to walk the grounds, reflect, or sit in prayer or contemplation… anything as long as we did not speak.  Also as part of the assignment, we were required to write something about our experience. I kept trying to come up with some kind of ‘aha’ and try as I might, I kept drawing a blank. Until just before we came together to break the silence, that is. As I wandered the grounds looking at the magnificent evergreens, it struck me why we use the type of tree that we do for a Christmas tree. I am certainly not a poet, but the following is what I wrote.

GOD’S TREE

by Janelle Breese-Biagioni

If I could be a tree...

which would I choose to be?

Would it be the mighty oak?

Strong, full of presence, capable of any task

Shedding autumn leaves, renewing in spring

Casting shade and shelter only to risk being split by unprovoked lightening

I think not.

Should I be a flowering shrub?

Petite, fragrant and full of colour

One who decorates and is adorned

My survival at the mercy of the caretaker’s hand

I think not.

Perhaps, I should be a monkey tree?

Needly branches curving upwards

like the spider monkey’s tail

Curious in design, a constant challenge for those who dare to climb

I think not.

What about the willow?

Bending softly, weeping eternally

Dancing leaves, sweeping the grass

Beautiful to see, fragile in essence

Scattered roots tangled in a mesh

I think not.

There is the ponderosa pine?

Tall, think, covering great distances

Dropping needles and pine cones to hide the ground

Unbalanced, bare on one side, not easy to climb

or worse, dead at the base before anyone reaches the top

I think not.

I think I shall be the evergreen spruce

Rich in colour, steady, never changing

Sometimes alone, sometimes in threes

Shining lights on Christ’s birthday

My base shall be full

extending to support those in need.

My branches shall rise,

spiraling from one level to the next

Circling, circling, reaching the top

creating a cradle for the Christmas Angel

Turning, spinning into one perfect branch

Uplifting, lifting, reaching for God.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.

           

I don't remember when I first heard Dr. Wolfelt speak, but it was in Vancouver and I was hooked! I was amazed that this man was traveling the world teaching all that I had instinctively done to cope with loss.

A few years later, I began studying with Dr. Wolfelt at The Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. In 2003, I graduated from his program with a Certificate in Death and Grief Studies. It was Dr. Wolfelt's teaching and encouragement that spurred me on to further my education and become a Registered Professional Counsellor. 
Thank you, Dr. Wolfelt.

   The Mourner's Code by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D.

 Ø  You have the right to experience your own unique grief

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

Ø  You have the right to talk about your grief

Talking about your grief will help you heal.  Seek out others who will allow you talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.  If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

Ø  You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions

Confusion, numbness, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey.  Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong.  Don’t’ take these judgmental responses to heart.  Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

Ø  You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued.  Respect what your body and mind are telling you.  Get daily rest.  Eat balance meals.  And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

Ø  You have the right to experience ‘griefbursts’

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you.  This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural.  Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

Ø  You have the right to make use of ritual

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved.  It helps provide you with the support of caring people.  More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn.  If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

Ø  You have the right to embrace your spirituality

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.  Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs.  If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

Ø  You have the right to search for meaning

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?”  Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not.  And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you.  Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

Ø  You have the right to treasure your memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone you loved.  You will always remember.  Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

Ø  You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly.  Remember, grief is a process, not an event.  Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you.  Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.