Our Year in Review (2012): Storm & Rainbows

                                                           

Our Year in Review (2012): Storm & Rainbows

Greetings to all of our dearly loved family and friends:

This has been a year of lessons, uncertainty, gratitude, excitement and heartbreak. I usually try to avoid anything negative in my Christmas letters; however, the reality is that this year has been full of storms for us. On the other hand before, after and even during the storms, we received beautiful rainbows.

For over 30 thirty years I have written a Christmas letter and mailed between 80 and 100 cards to our family and friends. It was a tradition that I felt strongly about doing. In fact, I embarrassed our children several years in a row by making their dental checkups in November and writing out my cards while waiting for them. But hey, with five kids… I was there for the better part of the day so I made use of the time! Last year I got the letter written and all my cards signed and ready to be mailed. They are still sitting in the box. That was when Lyle first became ill and was hospitalized. After feeling guilty for the better part of the year, I realized that I still had all of my friends and not one person called, emailed or ‘unfriended’ me because they didn’t get my annual letter and card. It liberated me. This year I purposefully chose to not do cards and instead used the cost of cards, paper, ink and postage to have my grandsons take on a second needy family and purchase Christmas gifts for them. Every year we ask for names of a mom and two children to buy gifts for. The boys love to go shopping for them and then we make a big deal about delivering them to our ‘middle woman’, Shelley Morris (CEO of the Cridge Centre for the Family). An important part of this tradition is to remain anonymous. The boys and I enjoy doing it so we doubled our fun this year with a second family.  Having said that… I really missed doing the letter. My daughter, Dale suggested that I write it anyway and post it on Facebook and email it to others. So here it is!

Sam and Greyson…There is no keeping up with these two boys. They are growing by leaps and bounds.  They have both completed their first leg of gymnastics and absolutely loved it. They also did their first level in Pedalheads, a bike safety camp, and are looking forward to attending the next level during the summer of 2013.  The boys have this love/hate relationship. They hate to be away from one another for more than a day but when they get together they erupt into brother-like behaviour… sometimes hugging and kissing each other and sometimes trying to show the other who is the boss! They DO love to team up in the ‘mischief’ department too and I have to admit that when they do we are powerless!!!

Sam (6) turns 7 in January, comes to my shoulders and is in Grade one. He loves school and is in a Grade One / Two split and constantly wants to learn more. He is learning things that I can’t even tell you when I first heard of them, but I know it wasn’t when I was six. For example, one night he stayed over. When I tucked him into bed he asked if we could have a chat.  I said sure and asked what he wanted to chat about. He said Disneyland which is an annual trip we take. We were not able to go this year due to Lyle’s health. I asked, “Is Disneyland your favorite place to go because you sure want to talk about it lately?” He replied, “Well it is for now. But I haven’t been to the Taj Mahal, Temples of Giza or Mount Rushmore yet.” I think he is going to be a traveller. This picture is Sam with the gingerbread house he built this Christmas.  Sam is enjoying Christmas with his mom and dad at Kelly’s parents’ home in Vancouver. He called today to say he got a microscope and is very excited about the creepy sounding specimens that came in the kit!

 Greyson (5) celebrated his birthday in July. He started Kindergarten in September and has delighted his teachers with his sense of humour and zest for life. He too is going to surpass Grandma in height very soon! We have especially loved his penchant for caring for his schoolmates and ensuring they are going to be okay. He has one school mate, Vivian, who is allergic to nuts. He is extremely diligent in questioning Dale about his lunches and snacks as to whether there is ANY hint of nuts in the product. He even goes as far as asking for his peanut butter toast before changing from pajamas into his school uniform so that no traces of nuts get on his clothes. 

He never forgets about her. For example, since the girls were tiny and now with the boys, I sing this song when they eat peanut butter:

Peanut butter, peanut butter

It’s good for your sister and it’s good for your brother,

The only thing about peanut butter…

Is you gotta unstick it one way or the other …

(at this point you put your finger inside your cheek and make a popping sound).

 

One day as I sang it for Greyson while he ate his peanut butter sandwich, when I got to the line… The only thing about peanut butter is… he interrupted me and sang without missing a beat… “It isn’t good for Vivian!” This picture is of Greyson with the gingerbread house he built this year. He usually does a gingerbread train; however, this year he wanted to be like his cousin and do a house.  Greyson went to Vancouver with his dad for Christmas this year and was excited when he called to tell us about the video game he got.

 Myriah and Kelly…   Myriah and Kelly have been through a lot these past few years. This year Myriah suffered two miscarriages with one being a set of twins. These events were heartbreaking and life-altering all at the same time. Amidst the tears they found strength in one another and as a family. We are ecstatic to announce that Myriah is pregnant again and due on April 26, 2013. There were a few bumps at the beginning and some concerns, but baby and mom are doing well and we are all looking forward to meeting the new addition to our family next spring. Special thanks goes to her doctor for adding a specialized blood test (Russell’s Viper Venom) to a requisition after she lost the twins. It was discovered that she has Hughes Syndrome (blood clotting disorder) and seemingly the reason for the miscarriages. For this pregnancy he put her on Heparin injections daily until about 20 weeks and this averted any problems.  We are all so grateful!   

Myriah continues to work in real estate and Kelly with Coast Capital. Myriah has hung on during the slump and happy to have seen a few sales recently. However, she would be really excited to see things pick up before baby arrives. Kelly has been ‘awing’ the powers-to-be at his job with the work he is doing. He really enjoys working for them and they appreciate having him on their team as well.

 Dale and Shannon… let’s start with Dale. She too has endured significant challenges this year. The foremost being she ended her marriage. Dale and Greyson moved home with us in late October and while it has been a joy for me to have them with us, it wasn’t what she expected to be doing when the year began. It was not an easy decision for her and it has been heartbreaking for everyone involved. Nonetheless, she has been a trooper and doing her best to move forward. The rainbow in all of this is that both Dale and Russ (and the rest of us) have kept the focus on what is best for Greyson. Dale and Russ remain on friendly terms with one another and we are on good terms with Russ too. This has most certainly helped Greyson to adjust to the new living arrangements. He looks forward to spending a few days a week with Russ and as parents they participate in joint events that he would like them to be at.

Dale has officially left real estate and in April began working full-time at Bayshore Home Health. She has worked for them on the side for about five years, so it wasn’t a complete new start for her. She enjoys her job and works with a great team.  We wish her happiness and success in the coming year.  And I want to assure her… she won’t have to live with her mom forever.

Shannon continues to work as a paramedic and live in our suite downstairs. She enjoyed a long vacation in England this year with her mom. She was joined by a girlfriend part way through the trip and enjoyed traveling to Ireland with her as well. Greyson was very excited to hear that she was spending a night in a castle!

Shannon also continues to volunteer with Search and Rescue. Unfortunately a training exercise resulted in her injuring a finger quite extensively and she was off work for several months. It wasn’t exactly what she needed given the trip she had planned but it did take a long time to heal.  She loves her job as a paramedic, but this too has posed its challenges due to the political landscape in BC. Like others though, she does her job with pride and keeps her focus on patient care. Shannon’s life is very busy and it’s funny how we all live in the same house and can go days (weeks even!) without seeing one another… do I sound like a complaining (stand-in) mom???

  Lyle has quite literally been the star around here this year. I say that with the utmost respect and love. In November 2011, he was diagnosed with End Stage Liver Disease. They told me in early December last year that we had weeks or months with him.  Here we are a full year later (triple rainbows)! We are unsure at this time if a transplant is in the future for him; there are problems that pose increased risk for a transplant so at this time it’s a ‘wait and see’ life. The main problem is he has continuous blood loss from oozing vessels in the stomach and a polyp that is sitting on a main artery going into the small intestine. Again there are medical reasons why they can’t just go in a fix these problems so the decision has been to support him through iron infusions and blood transfusions as needed.  He is not able to work but helps out with the less demanding chores at home when he feels well enough to do so. Recently he was hospitalized because he developed diabetes. He is now insulin dependent with two injections per day. He has adapted quite well to the new medical regime but struggles with achy joints and fatigue due to the medications and anemia. Every day is a blessing and all we can do is take things one day at a time. Another rainbow, or should I say the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, is the incredible team of doctors he is under the care of. He has his regular doctor and a team of specialists who really are special. Every trip to the hospital and every stay in the hospital we have been amazed at the wonderful care he receives. All I can say about our medical services is that when they work… they really work and we are thankful for the care he has received. This picture was taken today (Dec. 25, 2012) at the Chinese restaurant where we went for lunch with Shannon and Dale (their picture above was taken there too). We are not celebrating Christmas until December 30^th when everyone is back at home.  It was a first for us to go to a restaurant but we had a great time and the food was delicious!  On December 26^th, Lyle and I celebrate 20 years of marriage!

 We have been truly blessed with the support of family and friends this year. I couldn’t ask for better people or a better place to contract with (Geoff and Shelley at The Cridge Centre for the Family) and Mike and Mary Lou Rossiter (Headline) who cut me EXTENSIVE slack through this roller coaster of a year. I would really like to say thank you to each of our friends and family members who have supported us. I won’t even dare to try to start naming people because I will surely dash my intention of acknowledging everyone by forgetting someone! But thank you to each of you… we couldn’t have made it without you.

 

Me… well, this is a year of lessons for me. I have had to learn to let go of people and things who/which no longer serve me in my life. It wasn’t easy but sometimes you just can’t fix things. I have learned to take things one day at a time and to not strap myself with the ‘I should do this or I should do that’ because for the most part I’ve been too exhausted to keep up with the pace I established for myself many years ago. I did my best to keep writing my blog and working on my book but by the end of March, I literally hit the wall. Of course, because my work as a counsellor is in grief and loss and all that I write about is grief and loss, I eventually came to the point in the road that I had to step away from the writing. This isn’t easy for me and for the most part, disappointing. But even I knew that I couldn’t walk the path of grief in real time and write about it simultaneously. I am now beginning to dabble in the writing side again and feel a tug to get back at it. My hope is 2013 will allow for some of that to come to the forefront in my life again. I did indulge myself with taking cake decorating courses as they are held literally three minutes from our home. I did quite well and look forward to dazzling others with my creations!

For the most part, I have been well. However, I have had significant flare-ups with osteoarthritis and psoriatic arthritis due to stress. I had one injection in November that lasted for one month – it should have lasted for three months. I felt the best that I had since Lyle became ill. Weekly injections may be in the near future for me but I am going to try a few other things first like cutting out dairy and wheat.

And Dorothy… this has been a rough year for Dorothy. She was hospitalized last winter and twice this year. She fell in the facility where she lives and broke her wrist.  She needed to have the wrist set twice and was in a cast for 6 weeks. The doctor didn’t want to do surgery and he said she will always have trouble because the bones didn’t line up as well as they had wanted. It certainly bothers her and she wears a brace. The Alzheimer’s has advanced significantly and her health is slowly declining. I don’t bring her home anymore because getting her up our flight of stairs is too difficult and she gets quite nervous being away from home. We saw her today and although she recognized us, she had no idea it was Christmas (even though she was opening a gift from us) and it took only minutes before she wanted to go back to bed for a sleep. Her heart is weak and overall she is just tired. She is now 86 years old.  This picture was taken of Dorothy last Christmas – she is thinner and frail now.

Danny (Gerry’s brother) continues to live in Myriah and Kelly’s basement suite. He is working at Thrifty’s and enjoying the team there. Danny attended the Breese-Simon reunion this past summer and seemed to enjoy catching up with his cousins and aunts and uncles.

 He is also in Vancouver this Christmas but will be celebrating with us on the 30^th.

 

 

 

Our loving prayers from our house to yours…

We wish you and your family a very special and happy holiday season.  Take care of yourselves and your loved ones.   We wish you a bright and cheery New Year and many blessings between this Christmas and the next.  God Bless.

 

With Love,
Lyle, Janelle and Family!

Facing the Holidays In Spite of Loss

 

Facing the Holidays in Spite of Loss

Facing the holidays after the death of a loved one is incredibly challenging. When our day-to-day life becomes fraught with sadness, endless tears, and a yearning to hear the sound of their voice one more time, it is rather daunting to imagine how to take part in the festivities.

Taking it one step further, consider the families who lose a loved one during the holiday season. As we all know the day that a loved one dies etches a scar on our heart and that date forever more becomes the “line in the sand” that took us from the life we knew to a life we no longer recognize – or necessarily want! It is unthinkable and unexplainable when something awful happens to someone we love at such a wonderful time of year.

My grandmother died the week before Christmas. My mother’s second husband died only days before Christmas. I know different people who have lost loved ones on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. Others experienced the death of a loved one between Christmas and New Year’s. And others have endured loss on their birthday, wedding anniversary or soon after a baby was born. It’s very difficult to embrace these holidays in the future when the anniversary of a death is hovering.

A death anytime of the year can also impact one’s penchant for putting on the glitz and celebrating. The last time I saw my father was on December25, 1985. He died the following July, so Christmas 1986 was not something that I looked forward to. My brother (39 years old) died in March 1989 and my husband (37 years old) in October 1990. These were two young men who left behind young families. The first Christmas without them was heartbreaking. So was the first birthday after each of their deaths, the first Father’s Day, and the first time one of their children did something without them there to see or be a part of it (e.g. graduation, marriage). Essentially every day without them has been a first and life has continued to unfold for all of us regardless of them not being here.

Common responses after a loved one dies with respect to celebrations may include, “I’m never going to celebrate my birthday again” or “Christmas is meaningless now so why bother?” These  feelings are real and understandable; however, my hope is that as people do the work of mourning they will come to see that in stopping themselves from enjoying life only keeps them stuck in their sorrow… it doesn’t bring the person back and it doesn’t keep you from remembering that they are gone. It only keeps you from experiencing joy again.

In my healing, I came to accept that my grandparents, father, mother, brother, and husband all lived until the moment they died. They lived… really lived. I learned that we don’t get to choose when people will die, how old they will be when they die, how they will die or where we will be at in the journey of life with them when they die. We only get to choose to survive. Moreover, I had to ask myself, “Would my (mom, dad, brother, husband, grandmother, grandfather, friend) want me to stop living because they died?” “Would they want me to be sad and unhappy forever?” I can’t imagine they would have.

If you are among the millions who have experienced the death of a loved and are feeling apprehensive about the upcoming holiday do this: Take time to remember your loved one and the love you have for them. Reach out to others who shared the experience with you... hug each other, say their name (often!) and appreciate that you have the comfort of one another and precious memories to carry you through.

Make a point this year of connecting with others who are vibrant and joyous. Find a reason to smile and love… do it in your loved one's honour and do it for you.