Facing the Holidays In Spite of Loss

 

Facing the Holidays in Spite of Loss

Facing the holidays after the death of a loved one is incredibly challenging. When our day-to-day life becomes fraught with sadness, endless tears, and a yearning to hear the sound of their voice one more time, it is rather daunting to imagine how to take part in the festivities.

Taking it one step further, consider the families who lose a loved one during the holiday season. As we all know the day that a loved one dies etches a scar on our heart and that date forever more becomes the “line in the sand” that took us from the life we knew to a life we no longer recognize – or necessarily want! It is unthinkable and unexplainable when something awful happens to someone we love at such a wonderful time of year.

My grandmother died the week before Christmas. My mother’s second husband died only days before Christmas. I know different people who have lost loved ones on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. Others experienced the death of a loved one between Christmas and New Year’s. And others have endured loss on their birthday, wedding anniversary or soon after a baby was born. It’s very difficult to embrace these holidays in the future when the anniversary of a death is hovering.

A death anytime of the year can also impact one’s penchant for putting on the glitz and celebrating. The last time I saw my father was on December25, 1985. He died the following July, so Christmas 1986 was not something that I looked forward to. My brother (39 years old) died in March 1989 and my husband (37 years old) in October 1990. These were two young men who left behind young families. The first Christmas without them was heartbreaking. So was the first birthday after each of their deaths, the first Father’s Day, and the first time one of their children did something without them there to see or be a part of it (e.g. graduation, marriage). Essentially every day without them has been a first and life has continued to unfold for all of us regardless of them not being here.

Common responses after a loved one dies with respect to celebrations may include, “I’m never going to celebrate my birthday again” or “Christmas is meaningless now so why bother?” These  feelings are real and understandable; however, my hope is that as people do the work of mourning they will come to see that in stopping themselves from enjoying life only keeps them stuck in their sorrow… it doesn’t bring the person back and it doesn’t keep you from remembering that they are gone. It only keeps you from experiencing joy again.

In my healing, I came to accept that my grandparents, father, mother, brother, and husband all lived until the moment they died. They lived… really lived. I learned that we don’t get to choose when people will die, how old they will be when they die, how they will die or where we will be at in the journey of life with them when they die. We only get to choose to survive. Moreover, I had to ask myself, “Would my (mom, dad, brother, husband, grandmother, grandfather, friend) want me to stop living because they died?” “Would they want me to be sad and unhappy forever?” I can’t imagine they would have.

If you are among the millions who have experienced the death of a loved and are feeling apprehensive about the upcoming holiday do this: Take time to remember your loved one and the love you have for them. Reach out to others who shared the experience with you... hug each other, say their name (often!) and appreciate that you have the comfort of one another and precious memories to carry you through.

Make a point this year of connecting with others who are vibrant and joyous. Find a reason to smile and love… do it in your loved one's honour and do it for you.