Take a Break from Sorrow

I have said this before ~ we should grieve the way a child grieves. By this I mean that children pace themselves. They freely give themselves permission to shut off the pain and to tend to their needs and to play. I don’t want to imply that children don’t need help in working through loss. They do. What I am saying is that children have a natural ability to do the work of mourning in “chunks.” The lesson for me in this is that “we don’t have to deal with our feelings all at once.”

Grieving is a process and not time specific. There will be days when you simply feel too tired to deal with anything. When that happens, give yourself permission to do something else. Go for a long walk. Sit by the water. Take a bubble bath. Watch a comedy and laugh. Have lunch with a friend and keep the conversation focussed on them and what is happening in their life. Go bird watching. Walk in a garden or get your hands in the dirt and plant some flowers.

Ignoring your grief indefinitely is not the thing to do either. Grief will continue to manifest in your life if you attempt to sidestep it, but taking a break and pacing yourself will give you the strength and courage to do the work of mourning. You do need to do the work to heal ~ you just don’t have to do it all at once.

The Destructive Power of Anger

Emotions are extremely powerful whether they are negative or positive.  Positive emotions can transform your life into something beautiful, joyful, and meaningful. Negative emotions merely destroy.

Napoleon Hill, author of Think & Grow Rich, identifies anger as being one of the most destructive emotions we can have. Anger is so destructive that it WILL destroy your business, personal relationships, and even break down your body.

We tend to suppress anger. That doesn’t dissolve the anger, it simply gives it breeding ground so that it continues to build and build until we finally explode. Anger needs to be expressed instead of being turned inward.  Giving expression to your anger is not a license to injure yourself or others or to destroy property.  Giving expression must be done in a safe, controlled manner and with a commitment.  The commitment is that once you give expression to your anger… you LET IT GO.

If someone is angry toward you it is extremely important that you do not take on their anger. For your own well-being, step back and observe and leave their anger with them.  Say to yourself, “My, that’s interesting. But it’s their anger, not mine.” And let it go! Do not engage in physical or verbal retaliation and do not allow it space in your mind and heart. If you do, then YOU own the anger and are responsible for it.

A safe and effective way to deal with anger is using the journal writing technique called Unsent Letters. Unsent letters are written with the intention of NOT sending them.  These letters do not hurt anyone. They free you from a potentially deadly poison.

The beauty of an Unsent Letter is that you can:

v Get as MAD or as UPSET as you want

v Write an unsent letter to someone who has died or left your life

v Write to someone or something that is not realistically an audience

To do this exercise, follow these guidelines:

v Set aside time when you will not be interrupted

v If you need support, ask someone you trust to be with you while you write the letter (they sit quietly in the background as you write, supporting you to know that you are not alone and this action is a safe and controlled way to express your feelings)

v Tune into the feelings that you want/need to express

v Write without fear of judgement or reprisal because the letter won’t be sent

v You do not need to censor or edit or even read the letter when you finish

v Write quickly without stopping until there is nothing more to be said

v Begin the letter with a springboard statement like, “What I’ve wanted to tell you is…” or “Something you may not know about me is…”

The final step is your commitment to LET IT GO!  Letting go is not easy but it can be done and achieved by creating a closing, such as a ritual. The ritual is your unique way to dispose of the letter. Do not keep the letter because that only harbours the anger.

Some suggestions for a ritual are:

v  Burn the letter

v  Rip it up and stomp on the pieces and throw it away

v  Drown it in water

v  Bury it

This exercise can be emotionally charged.  It is important to have someone to debrief with after you finish.  After you have finished the exercise, do something nice for yourself. Take a warm bath, go for a walk, work out at the gym, or sit quietly and listen to soothing music. 

Remember: the human mind cannot hold two thoughts at once; therefore, it cannot hold a positive and negative thought at the same time. One will dominate! The gift for all of us is that we get to choose…so choose wisely! 

Celebrity Deaths

Elizabeth Taylor’s adoring fans grieve and mourn her passing this week.  Ms. Taylor, with her beautiful violet eyes, will be remembered for her dedication to increasing awareness and helping those living with Aids. She was a talented actress, kind-hearted person, and deeply passionate about creating a better life for others.

In 2009, the world mourned the loss of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson.  The death of Michael Jackson overshadowed the deaths of McMahon and Fawcett in the media; however, they too were grieved by a large following of fans.

People may ask why we mourn and feel such deep sorrow for people we have never met. The reason is that although we have never met them, we have a relationship with them. These relationships are naturally one-sided; the celebrity does not know us or anything at all about us. Nonetheless, we welcomed them into our world. We studied them, followed them, and learned everything we could about their private lives.

The world also mourned when President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Elvis Presley and Princess Diana died. And most of us can still tell you exactly what we were doing the moment we heard the news of their deaths. I was at a cocktail party in Maui the night Princess Diana was killed. When I heard the news, I remember feeling like we were all in a movie. A hush fell over the crowd and as my eyes scanned the hotel’s lanai it felt and looked like we were all moving in slow motion. I was saddened for a long time about her death. In part, my sadness was because like everyone else, I truly appreciated her. And in part, it was because she had two small children. My own children were still grieving the loss of their father and I empathized with the difficult journey before Prince William and Prince Harry. My heart broke for them.

It’s natural for people to feel a sense of loss when someone they have come to appreciate dies, even if they don’t know them. When it becomes “unnatural” or “unhealthy” is when a person becomes immobilized from the sorrow and truly can’t move forward in life. This is when an individual’s grief has become distorted and they would benefit from the help of a professional.

S.H.A.R.E.

When I have the opportunity to present to nursing students, healthcare professionals or at conferences, I use the acronym S.H.A.R.E. to explain how to meet the needs of people working through loss.

S – Support (engage in short & long-term supports)

People rally around a family as soon as tragedy takes hold.  Unfortunately, they will need support long after the funeral takes place or the person with a catastrophic injury returns home. This makes it extremely important that others see they have short-term supports after the initial event takes place and long-term supports to help them down the road.

H – Hope (thread or sense that some good will return in their life)

People need hope to do the work of grieving. This requires a delicate touch. Don’t rush in with statements like, “You are young, you can get married again.” But rather, give them hope by letting them know that you will be there for them for however long it takes – they won’t be alone. Remember this… if what you say isn’t hopeful, I guarantee it won’t be helpful!

A – Acknowledge (life prior to the event…at the moment…in the future)

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, describes this as saying “hello, goodbye, hello.” It means that for people to let go of the life they had and to move forward, they must have the opportunity to acknowledge where they have been, where they are, and what the future may hold.

R – Reflection (spiritual, memories, planning for the future)

Reflecting on life is a normal part of the process. It is a way for individuals to fully acknowledge their losses and to make meaning out of the new life they have. There is no timeframe for this… it can be a slow process. Remember... “grieving is a process – not an event.”

E – Engage In Life (reconnect to loved ones, friends, & community)

As an individual moves through the grief journey, and if they do the work of mourning, they will engage in life. You will see and hear them connecting with family and friends and making plans for the future. They will never forget the person they lost or the life that they shared. If they have the opportunity to do the work, they integrate the loss into their life and move forward.

Pet Grief

Pets are part of the family for people. They are loyal companions and bring a great deal of joy and laughter to us. It’s understandable that your heart can break when your pet dies. It’s not uncommon for others to not “get” what you are upset about. “It was just a pet” or “you can get another one” may be some of the insensitive things you hear. Simply dismiss those comments. You have the right to grieve the loss of a cherished animal.

When grieving the loss of a family pet, you may experience the same types of responses that you would if another human died. Responses include: confusion, sadness, disorganization, loss of sleep or appetite to name a few. The best way to cope is to give expression to your feelings of grief, just as you would for your fellow man. Surround yourself with those who understand what it means to lose a pet. Share your stories and photos. Cherish the memories.

A comforting website to visit is www.petloss.com. There you will find inspirational writings such as the one below:

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
~Author unknown

Creating Ritual and Ceremony

Ritual and ceremony is an important way to mark milestones in life. Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, weddings, and graduations are events infused with ritual and ceremony. It’s important to mark holidays and “rites of passage” with celebration by taking time from our daily routine to do things differently.

When it comes to a loved one’s death, it’s acceptable to commemorate their life with a funeral or memorial service. Within these events, families and friends gather for prayer, song, and tributes. It often follows with a tea or social where people speak with the family and share stories. Outside of the funeral, families are not usually invited to create ongoing rituals or ceremonies; however, it has been my experience that people do, but opt to not say anything for fear of criticism. For example, a dear friend of mine makes barbecue ribs on Christmas Eve as a way to pay tribute to her mom who passed away a number of years ago. It has become her simple, but loving ritual every year that helps her face the holidays without her mother.

When both my daughters married, it was important to me to include their father in some way. They have a wonderful relationship with their stepfather and he escorted each of them down the aisle. To bring their father into the ceremony, the girls handpicked fellow officers he had worked with to attend in their dress uniforms. My eldest daughter had her father’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police dress Stetson on display, and my younger daughter had his dress high-top boots and spurs on display. We didn’t have to explain to the near two hundred guests at each of their weddings what this meant- they knew. It was moving. It was precious. And it helped us to face the day without him.

I am not promoting that people memorialize the deceased at every event. While I can’t generalize the situation for everyone, people can become stuck in their grief and create shrines or leave belongings untouched for years. For some, intervention and/or counselling may be of help. What I am encouraging is that people listen to their heart, and if a family feels that including the memory of a loved one in a special event enriches it and helps to heal their loss, then they should do it. It doesn’t matter what others think – they haven’t walked in your shoes.

How have you included the memory of a loved one in a special event?

It’s Okay to Say Their Name

People often think they will upset the family if they say the name of the deceased. This is the opposite of what the family is thinking. They want to hear their loved one’s name. In fact, hearing their loved one’s name gives them comfort. It shows them that their love one has not been forgotten. It conveys that you care and you are aware of their loss. Besides, you can’t upset them ~ they are already upset.