Sudden & Unexpected Deaths

In healing my broken heart, I came to understand that we don’t get to choose who will die, how they will die, or when they will die. A sudden and unexpected death affirms this in a way that nothing else can.

My brother was 39 years old when he died of a subarachnoid hemorrhage. My husband was 37 when he died of a heart attack. My brother-in-law was 23 when he was murdered. My father was 54 when he was killed in truck crash. Their deaths were not expected. They were sudden and cruel proof that death pays no heed to status, social connections, education, or family responsibilities. It is there to claim us all… and on its terms, not ours.

What we do get to choose is how we cope and respond to the tragedy. It’s not uncommon to feel as though you want to die too. More often than not, this is temporary and if given time to do the work of mourning, you will experience a shift in thinking. For others, while physical death may elude them, they allow themselves to die inside. They shut down to life and become stuck in their grief. There are gifted counsellors who can help when this happens. However, the person must choose to do the work.

It takes a long time to recover from the experience of losing a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly. It is important that you:

• Acknowledge your loss
• Allow life to slow down so you can reflect, nurture and heal
• Understand that confusion, disorganization, and overwhelming feelings are normal responses as are anger and guilt
• Don’t rush through the process, or allow others to hurry you along. The grief journey is long…doing the work of healing takes time.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help… you didn’t ask for this to happen and nobody can expect you to know what to do.

Remember, there is no shame in seeking professional help. A professional can help you to gain perspective, facilitate expression of your feelings, and provide support in a way that your personal connections may not be able to do.