Violent Deaths

When a loved one dies at the hand of another, the grief journey becomes very complex. In essence, it heightens the experience to immeasurable sorrow. Often the family cannot even get on with the process of grieving the death of their loved one because their time is consumed with dealing with the legalities and sometimes, absurdities of the criminal justice system.

My 23 year old brother-in-law was murdered by his best friend. He shot him in the head while he was sleeping. There were others asleep in the house at the time.  The person who killed him asked for the police to be called and waited patiently for them. The body, the killer and the gun were all there. The missing piece was the motive.

Unlike other sudden deaths, our world crashed. We experienced the normal responses of shock, confusion, and disbelief; however, everything seemed to be tenfold. Mixed with these responses was an overwhelming sadness and profound anger. An interesting twist was that my husband was a police officer who handled complex investigations like this and suddenly, we had been catapulted onto the side of “victim.” Nothing could prepare us for the roller coaster we would ride for the next seven months while the legalities were worked through. This frustrating process resulted in delaying our grief and our ability to do the work of mourning. My brother-in-law’s funeral provided some opportunity to explore our pain, but after that was over we were immersed in the investigation and trial. The wound was ripped open, time and time again.

Our experience mirrored that of countless families whose loved is taken violently. Life became fraught with feeling vulnerable and unsafe. We felt as though our rights were less important than that of the killer and that was incredibly difficult to cope with. At the time – 31 years ago –- the police force didn’t offer or even suggest counselling for my husband. Their answer was to get back to work as soon as possible and establish a routine. This, in itself, complicated the grief journey for him. He didn’t deal with his feelings and ultimately, it left him – and our marriage – with some deeply etched scars.

I always encourage people to seek counselling to help them work through the process of grief; however, when it comes to violent deaths, I move from encouraging to insisting. It’s extremely important to “shop around” and find a therapist who has experience with bereavement of this nature. As well, finding a support group with peers who have experienced a similar loss can be beneficial.