Celebrity Deaths

Elizabeth Taylor’s adoring fans grieve and mourn her passing this week.  Ms. Taylor, with her beautiful violet eyes, will be remembered for her dedication to increasing awareness and helping those living with Aids. She was a talented actress, kind-hearted person, and deeply passionate about creating a better life for others.

In 2009, the world mourned the loss of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson.  The death of Michael Jackson overshadowed the deaths of McMahon and Fawcett in the media; however, they too were grieved by a large following of fans.

People may ask why we mourn and feel such deep sorrow for people we have never met. The reason is that although we have never met them, we have a relationship with them. These relationships are naturally one-sided; the celebrity does not know us or anything at all about us. Nonetheless, we welcomed them into our world. We studied them, followed them, and learned everything we could about their private lives.

The world also mourned when President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Elvis Presley and Princess Diana died. And most of us can still tell you exactly what we were doing the moment we heard the news of their deaths. I was at a cocktail party in Maui the night Princess Diana was killed. When I heard the news, I remember feeling like we were all in a movie. A hush fell over the crowd and as my eyes scanned the hotel’s lanai it felt and looked like we were all moving in slow motion. I was saddened for a long time about her death. In part, my sadness was because like everyone else, I truly appreciated her. And in part, it was because she had two small children. My own children were still grieving the loss of their father and I empathized with the difficult journey before Prince William and Prince Harry. My heart broke for them.

It’s natural for people to feel a sense of loss when someone they have come to appreciate dies, even if they don’t know them. When it becomes “unnatural” or “unhealthy” is when a person becomes immobilized from the sorrow and truly can’t move forward in life. This is when an individual’s grief has become distorted and they would benefit from the help of a professional.

S.H.A.R.E.

When I have the opportunity to present to nursing students, healthcare professionals or at conferences, I use the acronym S.H.A.R.E. to explain how to meet the needs of people working through loss.

S – Support (engage in short & long-term supports)

People rally around a family as soon as tragedy takes hold.  Unfortunately, they will need support long after the funeral takes place or the person with a catastrophic injury returns home. This makes it extremely important that others see they have short-term supports after the initial event takes place and long-term supports to help them down the road.

H – Hope (thread or sense that some good will return in their life)

People need hope to do the work of grieving. This requires a delicate touch. Don’t rush in with statements like, “You are young, you can get married again.” But rather, give them hope by letting them know that you will be there for them for however long it takes – they won’t be alone. Remember this… if what you say isn’t hopeful, I guarantee it won’t be helpful!

A – Acknowledge (life prior to the event…at the moment…in the future)

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, describes this as saying “hello, goodbye, hello.” It means that for people to let go of the life they had and to move forward, they must have the opportunity to acknowledge where they have been, where they are, and what the future may hold.

R – Reflection (spiritual, memories, planning for the future)

Reflecting on life is a normal part of the process. It is a way for individuals to fully acknowledge their losses and to make meaning out of the new life they have. There is no timeframe for this… it can be a slow process. Remember... “grieving is a process – not an event.”

E – Engage In Life (reconnect to loved ones, friends, & community)

As an individual moves through the grief journey, and if they do the work of mourning, they will engage in life. You will see and hear them connecting with family and friends and making plans for the future. They will never forget the person they lost or the life that they shared. If they have the opportunity to do the work, they integrate the loss into their life and move forward.

Pet Grief

Pets are part of the family for people. They are loyal companions and bring a great deal of joy and laughter to us. It’s understandable that your heart can break when your pet dies. It’s not uncommon for others to not “get” what you are upset about. “It was just a pet” or “you can get another one” may be some of the insensitive things you hear. Simply dismiss those comments. You have the right to grieve the loss of a cherished animal.

When grieving the loss of a family pet, you may experience the same types of responses that you would if another human died. Responses include: confusion, sadness, disorganization, loss of sleep or appetite to name a few. The best way to cope is to give expression to your feelings of grief, just as you would for your fellow man. Surround yourself with those who understand what it means to lose a pet. Share your stories and photos. Cherish the memories.

A comforting website to visit is www.petloss.com. There you will find inspirational writings such as the one below:

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
~Author unknown

Creating Ritual and Ceremony

Ritual and ceremony is an important way to mark milestones in life. Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, weddings, and graduations are events infused with ritual and ceremony. It’s important to mark holidays and “rites of passage” with celebration by taking time from our daily routine to do things differently.

When it comes to a loved one’s death, it’s acceptable to commemorate their life with a funeral or memorial service. Within these events, families and friends gather for prayer, song, and tributes. It often follows with a tea or social where people speak with the family and share stories. Outside of the funeral, families are not usually invited to create ongoing rituals or ceremonies; however, it has been my experience that people do, but opt to not say anything for fear of criticism. For example, a dear friend of mine makes barbecue ribs on Christmas Eve as a way to pay tribute to her mom who passed away a number of years ago. It has become her simple, but loving ritual every year that helps her face the holidays without her mother.

When both my daughters married, it was important to me to include their father in some way. They have a wonderful relationship with their stepfather and he escorted each of them down the aisle. To bring their father into the ceremony, the girls handpicked fellow officers he had worked with to attend in their dress uniforms. My eldest daughter had her father’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police dress Stetson on display, and my younger daughter had his dress high-top boots and spurs on display. We didn’t have to explain to the near two hundred guests at each of their weddings what this meant- they knew. It was moving. It was precious. And it helped us to face the day without him.

I am not promoting that people memorialize the deceased at every event. While I can’t generalize the situation for everyone, people can become stuck in their grief and create shrines or leave belongings untouched for years. For some, intervention and/or counselling may be of help. What I am encouraging is that people listen to their heart, and if a family feels that including the memory of a loved one in a special event enriches it and helps to heal their loss, then they should do it. It doesn’t matter what others think – they haven’t walked in your shoes.

How have you included the memory of a loved one in a special event?

It’s Okay to Say Their Name

People often think they will upset the family if they say the name of the deceased. This is the opposite of what the family is thinking. They want to hear their loved one’s name. In fact, hearing their loved one’s name gives them comfort. It shows them that their love one has not been forgotten. It conveys that you care and you are aware of their loss. Besides, you can’t upset them ~ they are already upset.

R.A.G.E.

R.A.G.E. is a normal part of the grief experience. What is rage?

R – regret

          It’s normal to experience thoughts of “could-have” “should-have” “I did” and “I didn’t” following the death of a loved one. We regret not having that conversation to clear the air or doing that special thing together that we had always talked about doing. Try to focus on what you did do and what you did have together instead of what you didn’t.

A – anger

          I felt angry towards the person who hit my husband on his police motorcycle. I can’t remember how long I felt it, but I did and I had to work through that. I also felt angry when he died – after all, we had two children close to the teen years and we were going to do this together! Now I was on my own. Again, feeling angry is normal – it is how you express that anger that you need to be cautious about.

G – guilt

          Feeling guilty is also a normal part of the grief experience. For me, I felt guilty that I had been the one left here to live. I felt guilty when I fell in love and remarried. At times, I felt guilty that I was able to be a part of and enjoy our daughters’ lives and their dad couldn’t. It isn’t always rational - but it is real and needs to be worked through.

E – emotional roller coaster

          The grief journey is the “roller coaster from hell".  It is about taking ten steps forward and then 50 back. You may think that you have a handle on your feelings when suddenly the sound of a song or the sight of a couple walking past holding hands will render you to tears. The grief journey is not predictable or orderly. You can’t force it into a linear process – it is a twisty-turn type of path that leaves you feeling as though  you are walking in a fog. Everything that was familar, no longer is.

What has your experience been with these emotions?

Loss of a Sibling

When my brother, Brian died, part of me died too. I wasn’t alone in that. His wife, three children, my mother and my brothers and sisters all felt the same way. He had a large extended family and a circle of friends who were also devastated by his death.

Each of us had a different grief experience. While we could empathize with one another about what the grief experience was like, we could only understand on a personal level what it felt like . This is what it was like for me: I wasn’t ready to let him go. The doctors were clear: They had never had a person survive his magnitude of brain injury. To keep him alive was to keep him a prisoner locked in a vegetative state. I knew that. Nonetheless, I wasn’t ready to let him go.

After he died, I thought I grieved. I did, but not really. Instead, I turned into a workaholic. I kept busy with my studies, household tasks and activities with my husband and children. I did anything to keep busy ~ anything to not feel the pain.

I would not allow myself to deal with my feelings because I didn’t feel worthy. After all, “I was just his little sister.” He had a beautiful young wife and three precious children. He had a mother who adored him and who appreciated him for being a source of strength when she went through difficulties. I kept telling myself “those relationships deserve more attention.” In some warped way, I convinced myself that if I were to call attention to my grief, then it would somehow detract from theirs. That’s what grief does… it gives us a warped sense of reality!

I came to learn that everyone not only has the right to grieve a relationship, but that it is also a necessity. Each of us had our own relationship with Brian, and each of us had to reconcile that loss in our own way and in our own time.

Have you experienced the death of a sibling? How did you cope with the loss?