Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul is a broadly used metaphor to describe a person’s spiritual journey, which is marked by a sense of loneliness and anguish. It is also a metaphor to describe a time in one’s life in which they experience a lengthy and profound absence of light and hope. It is a time of intense loneliness.

The journey of heartbreak has a winding path leading to this place. Ironically, nobody wants to reach the destination, which is much like catapulting oneself into the eye of the hurricane; however, reaching this place of darkness is pivotal in healing. It is where we feel the depths of our despair and understand the finality and reality of our loss. It’s no wonder that we don’t want to go there.

In my training with Dr. Alan Wolfelt, he taught us about companioning the bereaved and that it was our responsibility to walk with them to the Wilderness of The Soul. I’ve been to that place and I know how frightening it can be. You can imagine how insane it felt for me to imagine that on a conscious level I would walk someone right to the door! I spoke with Dr. Wolfelt about this, because frankly, the whole idea terrified me. What if I got them there and they couldn’t find their way back out? What if they gave up and I lost them? What if it was so consuming and dark that it just devoured them? Wolfelt’s calm, knowing answer showed me that he understood the struggle of accepting such a responsibility. He said, “It’s your responsibility to walk with them. It’s their responsibility to find their way back out.”

I admit it took some time for me to reflect on his answer and really grasp what he was saying. Suddenly I understood … I walked myself to this place and when I reached the center of my despair I made the choice to survive and to do the work of healing … that is when I turned around and walked back out.

Healing a broken heart takes time and action. It is in the healing that we do have to choose to survive and to do the work of mourning. How we grieve and mourn will be as individual as each of our personalities. We need permission to do it in our own way and in our own time. But … we still have to do it ~ there is no way to other side.

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Do you understand the difference between empathy and sympathy? If not, you are not alone. People will often confuse the two as being one in the same. They aren’t. Everyone can be sympathetic, but not everyone is empathic.  Empathy is an acquired skill that people can learn if they so choose. It may take practice, but everyone can learn how to have empathy and to be an empathic listener.

Sympathy is when we enter into another’s feelings and we take them on. The purpose, albeit perhaps on an unconscious level, is to help the person who is hurting and stop or take away their suffering. I am not implying that being sympathetic isn’t valued, but it’s important to understand why we feel sympathy. If you say, or you hear another person say: “I feel sorry for so and so…” That is being sympathetic or showing sympathy. Remember though that when you say I feel it becomes about you not the other person.

Empathy is having the ability to understand what the other person is feeling and experiencing without taking their feelings on. Being empathic is tuning into the other person’s feeling with sensitivity and being aware of where they are at in the journey without offering advice or solutions. An empathic listener will ask questions and validate the person’s feelings. For example, they will say: “You feel sad” or “You feel helpless and alone since your husband died.” If that is not what they are feeling, they will clarify it for you.

Everyone appreciates others having sympathy for the situation they are experiencing as long as the sympathy doesn’t convert to pity. Nobody likes or wants to be pitied. Becoming an empathic listener may take practice, but it can be done. Here are some suggestions:

·         Be easy for people to talk to – keep your focus on them. Don’t get distracted by a cell phone or other things going on in your environment. Sit facing them and maintain eye contact. Lean slightly forward to show interest in what they are saying.

·         Encourage the person by asking questions, which facilitates the exploration of their feelings and helps them come to their own solutions.

·         Validate what they tell you by reframing in their words. “You feel________.”

·         Tune into their feelings ~ if you begin to experience churned up feelings make a mental note that you have something to deal with and set it aside and tune back into the other person. Empathy is about their feelings, not yours.

By the way, the koala bear in the picture doesn't necessarily represent empathy, but he does get your attention and that really is the purpose of empathy... to give another person loving attention. Try to be empathetic to another's situation today and see what a difference it can make.

Compassion

Compassion and understanding go a long way in supporting a person through difficult times. When asked, people may describe compassion has having sympathy for another person’s sorrow or suffering. Or they may say that it is to be empathetic to another person coupled with a desire to take away their pain or hurt. I have different thoughts on that.

For me, compassion is acknowledging and accepting that an individual is feeling what they need to feel, when they need to feel it and how they need to feel it, which may be completely different than how I would be. Being compassionate is being free of any judgement or expectation that the grieving person should handle or cope with the situation in any one way. It is about accepting that we all do things differently, we all cope differently, and we all work through the process differently. Being compassionate is to understand the person is doing the best they can, given the situation they are in. Being compassionate is about being supportive and helping to facilitate the journey as the person explores their feelings – it’s not about taking away the pain or ending their suffering. I say this because if you attempt to fix or end a person’s grief journey, then that action is about your inability to be present to their pain. It’s not about them needing someone to help them get over the experience.

To have compassion is to be present to the other person. Don’t attempt to persuade or dissuade them in any way. If you feel you must comment or offer some words of wisdom say: “This is not my experience. I am unsure how I would handle or cope with it. Tell me how it is for you.”

Allow a person to be where they need to be… and walk the journey with them for however long that takes. That’s compassion.

My next blog will discuss empathy vs. sympathy.

Credit Photo: Salvatore Vuono

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659

Fatigue

When a person experiences a loss, they are impacted physically, spiritually and emotionally. One of the ways in which we are impacted physically is through fatigue. The person’s energy is so low it may feel as though they cannot put one foot in front of the other. There are several reasons for this:

1.    Your body and mind can’t absorb anymore. It’s a challenge to take it all in and your body is telling you that it is responding to the stress.
2.    Sleep does not come easy to an individual in grief. It is either difficult to fall asleep or difficult to stay asleep.

The nights can be particularly challenging. The house is quiet and the telephone stops ringing. Initially, there may be friends and family staying with the bereaved but eventually they too, return to their own life. The bereaved may unintentionally feign sleep because they don’t want to dream about the deceased or because they are afraid something bad will happen to them or someone else. I remember being obsessed with the safety of my children for the longest time after their father died. I would tiptoe in and out of their rooms to be sure they were breathing. I’ve said it before… crazy making stuff! But it is normal and eventually it does subside.

Because sleep can be challenging and the mind and spirit are so wounded too, it is really important that a person does get some rest. Sleep does not have to be linear so taking rest breaks and/or short naps throughout the day will help. Encouraging the person to take time in a quiet room with no stimulation for 20 – 30 minutes will do wonders to rejuvenate them.

Photo Credit: Michal Marcol:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=371

Steve Jobs (1955 – 2011)

Steve Jobs will not only be remembered as Apple’s co-founder, he will also be remembered for his incredibly popular presentations. He is described as a visionary, a mentor, a good friend, and a beloved leader. He meant the world to his family, and he meant everything to the world.

Although the death of Steve Jobs made headlines October 5, 2011, countless families also experienced a broken heart because someone they loved died on the same day; they may not have even heard about Jobs’ death. For some, their loved one’s death may have been expected, for others it was sudden and tragic. Some lived a long life while others, like Jobs, died far too young… far too soon. These deaths teach us that life is precious and death arrives on its terms, not ours.

Heartbreak is a global epidemic. One may ask, “With all the material and resources available today, why has heartbreak escalated to that of epidemic proportion?” It has skyrocketed because we remain a dismissive and mourning-avoidant culture grounded in this assumption… people will get over what has happened to them with time. My next book Life Losses: Healing for a Broken Heart exposes the flaws in this theory, underscoring that it is not time that heals all  but rather it is what we do with the time that heals all.

Divorce and separation, trauma, chronic illness (e.g. Alzheimer disease) and even the downward spiral of the world economy are common loss experiences in this century. All are a source of heartbreak and grief and if left unresolved can have profound and lingering effects, such as depression, relationship breakdown, substance abuse and even disease. Although the frequency in which these events occur have become commonplace, the anguish that emerges as a result is daunting and cannot be cast aside. There is no way around the pain – one can only go through it to get to the other side.

A broken heart is most often associated with death. However, in reflecting on the different ways we encounter loss, people realize that they have endured a loss, or multiple losses, or supported someone through the grief process. This awareness often turns their world upside down. Like a dam breaking, unresolved grief spills into every area of their life, causing a deep confusion and the inability to comprehend how an event from the past could wreak such havoc in the present. The purpose of http://www.lifelosses.com/ and my book is to help individuals reconcile their sorrow.

Steve Jobs was courageous, inspirational and passionate. He will be missed, but forever remembered. To pay tribute to Steve Jobs, visit www.apple.com or submit your thoughts and prayers to remembersteve@apple.com.

Grief and Suicidal Thoughts

Following the death of a loved one, it is not uncommon to have thoughts about whether you want to go on living or not. These are fleeting thoughts… they come and go and are expressed in ways like: “I don’t know if I can go on.” “What’s the point of living?” “Life makes no sense … nothing matters anymore?” “I don’t care if I even wake up in the morning.” Don’t assume that statements like these mean the person is suicidal.

After my husband died, I remember that death seemed so inviting. I didn’t want to die, but I knew that was the only way to be with him was if I joined him on the other side. This is that crazy-making stuff that happens in the grief journey. Although I had no serious plans to kill myself, nor was I actively thinking these thoughts all the time, I remember the day that I knew I wanted to go on living. It was like coming out of a dungeon and seeing a colourful world for the first time in years. I had reconnected!

The difference between an individual experiencing fleeting thoughts of uncertainty where they say they don’t know if they can go on without their loved one or experiencing suicidal thoughts can be defined by asking him or her these questions:

1.    Are your thoughts about dying fleeting thoughts that come and go?

2.    Do you want to die?

3.    Do you have a plan to take your own life? (yes, be direct to find out for sure, don’t assume)

4.    Can you tell me more about your plan? (date, where, when, how)

5.    Do you have access to ­­­_____? (Fill in the blank with the “how”  i.e. pills, gun etc.)

6.    Is there anything or anyone that would hold you back from taking your life? (e.g. son/daughter, friend, parent, grandparent etc.) Try to establish a reason for them to go on living.

The risk of suicide increases if the person made previous attempts to end their life. If you believe the person is going to harm themselves, then seek intervention. Don’t be afraid that you may be overreacting. If they have persistent, intense thoughts about ending their life and/or they have a plan, they need professional help.

Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659

Finding Comfort with Linking and Transitional Objects

Gerry

It is perfectly normal for people to keep an item of clothing or a piece of jewellery belonging to a loved one after they die. Sometimes this is reflected in a person’s will where they want specific items to be given to certain people. Sometimes it is an offering determined by family members wanting to give a keepsake to someone who was special to the deceased.


Keeping an item belonging to the deceased is not to be confused with creating a shrine. When a shrine is created, the family doesn’t change a thing belonging to the person who died. Years ago, I watched a documentary on television about the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed. Mohamed Al-Fayed, Dodi’s father, had maintained Dodi’s apartment in the exact state that it had been when he was alive. There was even a glass and opened magazine on the nightstand, although it had been years since Dodi was there. This is a shrine and as such, holds a person stuck in their sorrow. This is not the same as having a linking or transitional object belonging to someone who has died.

Prior to my mom’s death, she handpicked individual teacups and saucers to pass on to her granddaughters and methodically divided up her herd of ornamental elephants among her children. This was important to her and certainly these items hold great sentimental value for all of us – we wouldn’t think of parting with them. However, they have not held us back in working through our grief or moving forward in life. In fact, it is because of the ongoing comfort and memories these items give that we have been able to successfully integrate the loss of our mother into daily living.


Sam

 When my husband died, it was equally important for me to give some of his special things to people who I knew would treasure them and who had a loving connection to him. Likewise, I wanted to be sure our daughters had something of him to spark memories and bring them comfort. Given he was a police officer in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police; his red serge was visual statement of his career. When he died, he had three serge’s that were no longer in good repair and should have been turned it, but he had not got around to it. As much as I knew that I should turn them in after his death, I couldn’t. Instead, I tucked them away safely wondering what could I possibly do with them that would be meaningful for me and for my children. It was not until my eldest daughter was pregnant that the idea came to me. I decided to have replicate serges made to fit children… as in grandchildren. This would allow my grandchildren to have something belonging to grandpa. As well, I could see that having their photos taken in the serges would be a wonderful tribute to him.



Greyson

 The project took a life on of its own. As I said, the coats were not in good repair, missing buttons and all the adornments for the collars etc. This was solved by putting out a call to his fellow officers who worked for years with him. A collection arrived over the following weeks and it made the coats even more meaningful to know that those who worked with him have helped to create the jackets. The lining of the serges came from the lining used for bridesmaid dresses of my younger daughter’s wedding.

The photos displayed here are of Gerry wearing one of the serges and of both my grandsons after they were photographed in their mini-serges. The three pictures are proudly displayed together in our home.

Choosing a special item to link memories to a loved one can bring comfort to ease the transition of saying good-bye.