Peer Support After Loss

Peer Support is essentially individuals supporting other individuals with similar or shared experiences. This support is offered one-to-one or in a group setting. The benefits of peer support are numerous, including that the supporter has credibility and is trusted because they have been through the experience.

It’s important for the person who needs the support to know that those listening to him or her really get what they are feeling. As an example, while I have experienced loss through miscarriage, I have not suffered the death of a child. On the other hand, as a widow, I have lived the experience of losing my best friend and the father of my children and I truly get what that emotional roller coaster feels like.

Individuals sharing their experiences can offer one another ideas and suggestions for coping with a situation or finding solutions to a problem. Peer supporters also inspire one another ~ when people see that another has survived a situation and moved forward in life, it gives them hope and courage to do what they need to do to get better or make changes.

Peer support groups bring together friends and strangers in a safe, nurturing environment to share stories and offer support. Along with building trust and credibility, groups do need to stress the importance of confidentiality and be clear when confidentiality would be broken. An acceptable explanation is, “You can share with your family and friends about what you said or what you felt while in the group. You cannot share what others have said or done. Confidentiality will be broken if a person threatens to harm themselves or others.”

The peer mentor or facilitator should receive training to lead the group. The Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury documented in their Identification of Best Practices for Peer Support: White Paper (January 2011) the key components for peer support as:

                                                  

·         Adequate training must be provided to peer supporters so they are able to:

o   Identify and be aware of signs of stress

o   Know when to reach  out to others for assistance

o   Facilitate referrals to additional resources

·         A program must be able to follow through with individuals to monitor improvement

·         Individuals must feel safe to make use of the program

·         Strong confidentiality agreements

On a final note, in my opinion, to be an effective peer supporter, the person has to have done their own work so they can truly be present to others. Peer support is a wonderful way to give back and to help others on the journey ~ consider becoming a peer supporter today!

Source:http://www.dcoe.health.mil/Content/Navigation/Documents/Best_Practices_Identified_for_Peer_Support_Programs_Jan_2011.pdf (page 16) Retrieved: October 5, 2011

Photo Credit: digitalart http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2280

When a Widow or Widower Remarries

Lyle & Janelle 1992

I was 34 years old when Gerry died. While others quickly assumed that I would eventually remarry, pursuing another relationship was quite unimaginable for me. In fact, right up until I met Lyle nearly 14 months later, the thought of being involved with another person didn’t occur to me. We married one year after we met ~ 26 months after Gerry’s death.  

Although it was a wonderful feeling to fall in love again and to have someone care and love me, it was a very strange experience too. On one hand, I wanted to skip through mud puddles and sing at the top of my lungs. On the other hand, my heart felt heavy with a sense of sadness and guilt because I was moving forward with life. On top of my emotions, I was also aware that this was a struggle for my children to accept. They loved their dad and they quite liked Lyle. Nonetheless, the fact that I was going to remarry was both frightening and exciting for them. It also brought a heavy dose of reality for all of us, because we had to accept that Gerry was gone forever.

Lyle and I shared the profound realization that we both had been sad for a long time and in feeling happy again, we couldn’t allow ourselves to go back to being sad. It’s hard because you know to move forward, means you are also letting go. It’s been nineteen years since I remarried; however, Gerry remains a part of my life. This is because I have children and grandchildren who are a part of him. And it is because of the work that I do every day, which is supporting people in their grief. My personal experience gives me credibility; therefore, I talk about him frequently.

Does this mean that Lyle lives in a shadow? Absolutely not. We have a completely different life and marriage together. Lyle respects the work I do and he understands the value and importance of it. The two relationships are not even comparable. But yes, I will admit, sometimes I feel as though I am walking with one foot in this life and the other foot in another life. It is what it is.

I am grateful that my family and friends, who loved and adored Gerry, love and accept Lyle. However, that isn’t always the case. I have met many people whose family and friends simply reject the new person coming into the relationship. They struggle with the person moving on and attempt to hold them back. This is incredibly cruel and unfair. Do they understand that the alternative is for that person to stay sad and unhappy? Do they really believe that one person can wipe out the memory of another? Moreover, are they the ones living with the fantasy that the deceased person will one day magically reappear? While it may be difficult to let go, it’s important to the person’s healing that loved ones allow them the freedom to move forward in life. When they do, it’s an indication that they have integrated their loss ~ it doesn’t mean that they have forgotten the person who died… nor, will they.

Photo Credit: Ambro: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499

Country Music (and other genres) Define a Broken Heart

Music has tremendous healing power. From classic to rock and from gospel to pop, everyone has their favourite song that stirs something within them. For me, it’s country music. Perhaps it is because (for me) no other musical genre defines a broken heart like country music does.

The success of country music is founded on real life experiences: lovers cheating, people lying, broken hearts, disappointment, tragedy and hope.  From the Jim Reeve’s classic, He’ll Have to Go to The Dance by Garth Brooks, something is moved within me. I feel my emotions and connect with feelings that are stirred deep within. Songs like Dolly Parton’s toe-tapping Better Get to Livin’ inspire me and remind me to do and be all that I can be. Others, like Johnny Reid’s Thank You bring tears to my eyes as I am flooded with thoughts of all who have stood by me over the years.

Music is a key component of funerals and memorial services. The reason being is exactly because of what I have said here… it has the ability to connect people to their emotions so they feel what they need to feel. It’s important that people understand the powerful force of music - it can unleash a grief burst at the most unexpected times. You could be sitting in a waiting room, driving your car, or walking through a grocery store when a song comes on overhead and sparks a memory. Sometimes, you may be able to muster your way through it and simply take note of the emotions that arise. Other times, don’t be surprised if you are rendered to a sobbing heap. Are you crazy? Are you going off the deep end? Nope. It’s normal and it happens to everyone.

If music has the power to trigger deep emotions unexpectedly, then it stands to reason that we can consciously use music to elevate our mood and/or release feelings of sadness and sorrow. Not everyone appreciates country music, but other genres speak to heartbreak and life experiences too. It is all a matter of preference and no once choice is right or wrong… it’s whatever works for you. The grief journey is unique to each of us and it is our responsibility to do the work of healing… and if music holds the power of healing for you, then use it!

The next time you listen to your favourite song, pay attention to the words and to what you feel in your body, mind and spirit. I guarantee there is a song to heal us all.

Wind Beneath My Wings ~ Bette Midler

Cst. Gerald Vernon Maurice Breese

September 10, 1953 - October 24, 1990

It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, thats your way,

you always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,

while you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name~for so long,

a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that your my hero,

and everything I would like to be.

I can fly higher then an eagle,

'cause you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,

but I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it,

I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that your my hero,

And everything I would like to be...

I can fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the Wind beneath my wings.

Fly, Fly, Fly away...

You let me Fly so high

Oh Fly, Fly so high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky…

Thank you..thank you....thank GOD for you ~The Wind Beneath My Wings~

Finding the Right Counsellor for You

Not every counsellor will be the right counsellor for you, in the same way that not every doctor or lawyer would suit you. There has to be a rapport and a sense of being comfortable with a counsellor for the relationship to be effective. Moreover, you need to feel that you can trust the counsellor and feel understood by him or her.

I think it is important to interview your counsellor. Ask questions and get a sense of what their counselling skills are, their beliefs around the grief process and how they approach individual cases. If you are not sure, but think you would like to try a session or two with the counsellor than I would declare that up front. Express any concerns that you may have and in doing so, the counsellor will likely take the opportunity to address those concerns so you can make an informed decision.

Here are some things to ask yourself so you can determine if the counsellor you have connected with will be or is a good fit:

• Do you feel understood by the counsellor?
• Did the counsellor help you to understand the grief process and what benefit counselling may have for you?
• Does he or she seem interested in what you are saying and do they give you their full attention?
• Does he or she have experience in bereavement counselling?
• Does he or she approach you with a teach me attitude, or is it a I know what’s right for you attitude?
• Are the sessions meaningful for you?
• Does the counsellor share their personal experiences appropriately?
• Does the counsellor listen more than they speak?
• Does he or she help you to explore issues that you would rather avoid?
• Does the information your counsellor provide give you a sense of hope?
• Is the counsellor willing to help you explore other support resources (i.e. groups) if appropriate?

Photo Credit: Ambro

<p><a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499">Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net</a></p>

The World of Play for Kids

A child’s world is one of play. They like to be on the floor building with blocks or pretending to be a super hero. Children need to keep their little fingers busy and thrive when moving things about and telling imaginative stories. So doesn’t it make sense that when you want to get your child talking, you meet them in their world? To put it another way, how effective is it when you ask a child, “What did you do today?” Rarely do parents get the response (if any) that they are looking for!

When child suffers a loss, they experience similar grief responses to an adult, which may include: sadness, anger, fear, physiological responses (headaches, upset tummy) and/or regression (e.g. accidents). The difference will be that a child often reverts to acting out their emotions because they may not be able to articulate or verbalize what they are feeling. Children, like adults, need a safe and nurturing place with loving listeners to express their feelings of sorrow without fear of judgement or reprisal.

I volunteered as a Director, Coordinator, and Facilitator with Rainbows for six years. Rainbows is peer support group for children experiencing loss through death, divorce or other painful transitions. The program is structured so that children with similar experiences come together. The activities used each week include crafts, story and play with the purpose of helping children to relax, get talking about their experience and to support one another. This safe and nurturing environment gives children the opportunity to work through their grief journey while normalizing their response to what has happened in their life. Rainbows is not therapy or counselling and would not necessarily be adequate for a child who has experienced trauma or profound loss.

Children surviving significant trauma or profound loss may benefit from play therapy, which is a discipline based upon a number of psychological theories and is administered by a certified play therapist. Sessions may be individual or in groups and generally run about 30 – 45 minutes in length. Play Therapy has been found to be highly effective, with one study indicating that 71% of children referred show positive change. A therapist will use role playing, art, music, clay, puppets & masks and storytelling as ways to interact with the child.

For more information on Rainbows and Play Therapy visit, www.rainbows.org, www.playtherapy.org, www.a4pt.org, and www.capt.com.

Photo Credit: Stuart Miles http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2664

Grieving in Your Own Way ~ In Your Own Time

This picture is of my grandson, Greyson, when he was only a few months old. It is one of my favourite. Not that I enjoy seeing him sad, but it pulls at my heart every time and helps me to appreciate that everyone has feelings and needs. It also reminds me that those needs may be on a completely different time schedule than I am. The beautiful thing about children is they are in tune with what they need at any given time and they do what they need to do to communicate a need at the precise time they need to.

Naturally, part of our development is learning to control our emotions (and demands), to have patience, and to understand that instant gratification isn’t always appropriate. These traits are necessary so we grow up to be mature and responsible and so we are able to cope with a variety of life situations. Having said that, sometimes it’s like throwing the baby out with the bath water… we assume that when tragedy strikes, we should still be able to control our emotions and cope. Wrong. In the early days of grief, it is incredibly difficult to control our emotions and/or to cope. If this describes you, I assure you that you are not doing anything wrong.

On the other hand, not everyone will cry in the early days of grief. Not everyone will feel intense emotions and/or have a need to talk about what has happened. Each grief journey is as unique as the loss is. None of us will grieve the same way, nor will we move through the process in the same way. Moreover, nobody can judge how another handles the situation. We can only be supportive and provide a safe, nurturing environment which will allow us and others to do the work of mourning.

Do not assume that a person should be feeling better and back to their usual self in any particular time. Grief knows no calendar. It pays no heed to vacations, employment commitments or family obligations. The journey is long and arduous and approaching it in a cookie-cutter manner is unfair.

To understand another’s journey requires compassion, patience, and love.

To understand your need to grieve in your own way ~ in your own time… listen to your heart. It always speaks our truth.