When a Widow or Widower Remarries

Lyle & Janelle 1992

I was 34 years old when Gerry died. While others quickly assumed that I would eventually remarry, pursuing another relationship was quite unimaginable for me. In fact, right up until I met Lyle nearly 14 months later, the thought of being involved with another person didn’t occur to me. We married one year after we met ~ 26 months after Gerry’s death.  

Although it was a wonderful feeling to fall in love again and to have someone care and love me, it was a very strange experience too. On one hand, I wanted to skip through mud puddles and sing at the top of my lungs. On the other hand, my heart felt heavy with a sense of sadness and guilt because I was moving forward with life. On top of my emotions, I was also aware that this was a struggle for my children to accept. They loved their dad and they quite liked Lyle. Nonetheless, the fact that I was going to remarry was both frightening and exciting for them. It also brought a heavy dose of reality for all of us, because we had to accept that Gerry was gone forever.

Lyle and I shared the profound realization that we both had been sad for a long time and in feeling happy again, we couldn’t allow ourselves to go back to being sad. It’s hard because you know to move forward, means you are also letting go. It’s been nineteen years since I remarried; however, Gerry remains a part of my life. This is because I have children and grandchildren who are a part of him. And it is because of the work that I do every day, which is supporting people in their grief. My personal experience gives me credibility; therefore, I talk about him frequently.

Does this mean that Lyle lives in a shadow? Absolutely not. We have a completely different life and marriage together. Lyle respects the work I do and he understands the value and importance of it. The two relationships are not even comparable. But yes, I will admit, sometimes I feel as though I am walking with one foot in this life and the other foot in another life. It is what it is.

I am grateful that my family and friends, who loved and adored Gerry, love and accept Lyle. However, that isn’t always the case. I have met many people whose family and friends simply reject the new person coming into the relationship. They struggle with the person moving on and attempt to hold them back. This is incredibly cruel and unfair. Do they understand that the alternative is for that person to stay sad and unhappy? Do they really believe that one person can wipe out the memory of another? Moreover, are they the ones living with the fantasy that the deceased person will one day magically reappear? While it may be difficult to let go, it’s important to the person’s healing that loved ones allow them the freedom to move forward in life. When they do, it’s an indication that they have integrated their loss ~ it doesn’t mean that they have forgotten the person who died… nor, will they.

Photo Credit: Ambro: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499