Take a Break from Sorrow

I have said this before ~ we should grieve the way a child grieves. By this I mean that children pace themselves. They freely give themselves permission to shut off the pain and to tend to their needs and to play. I don’t want to imply that children don’t need help in working through loss. They do. What I am saying is that children have a natural ability to do the work of mourning in “chunks.” The lesson for me in this is that “we don’t have to deal with our feelings all at once.”

Grieving is a process and not time specific. There will be days when you simply feel too tired to deal with anything. When that happens, give yourself permission to do something else. Go for a long walk. Sit by the water. Take a bubble bath. Watch a comedy and laugh. Have lunch with a friend and keep the conversation focussed on them and what is happening in their life. Go bird watching. Walk in a garden or get your hands in the dirt and plant some flowers.

Ignoring your grief indefinitely is not the thing to do either. Grief will continue to manifest in your life if you attempt to sidestep it, but taking a break and pacing yourself will give you the strength and courage to do the work of mourning. You do need to do the work to heal ~ you just don’t have to do it all at once.

The Destructive Power of Anger

Emotions are extremely powerful whether they are negative or positive.  Positive emotions can transform your life into something beautiful, joyful, and meaningful. Negative emotions merely destroy.

Napoleon Hill, author of Think & Grow Rich, identifies anger as being one of the most destructive emotions we can have. Anger is so destructive that it WILL destroy your business, personal relationships, and even break down your body.

We tend to suppress anger. That doesn’t dissolve the anger, it simply gives it breeding ground so that it continues to build and build until we finally explode. Anger needs to be expressed instead of being turned inward.  Giving expression to your anger is not a license to injure yourself or others or to destroy property.  Giving expression must be done in a safe, controlled manner and with a commitment.  The commitment is that once you give expression to your anger… you LET IT GO.

If someone is angry toward you it is extremely important that you do not take on their anger. For your own well-being, step back and observe and leave their anger with them.  Say to yourself, “My, that’s interesting. But it’s their anger, not mine.” And let it go! Do not engage in physical or verbal retaliation and do not allow it space in your mind and heart. If you do, then YOU own the anger and are responsible for it.

A safe and effective way to deal with anger is using the journal writing technique called Unsent Letters. Unsent letters are written with the intention of NOT sending them.  These letters do not hurt anyone. They free you from a potentially deadly poison.

The beauty of an Unsent Letter is that you can:

v Get as MAD or as UPSET as you want

v Write an unsent letter to someone who has died or left your life

v Write to someone or something that is not realistically an audience

To do this exercise, follow these guidelines:

v Set aside time when you will not be interrupted

v If you need support, ask someone you trust to be with you while you write the letter (they sit quietly in the background as you write, supporting you to know that you are not alone and this action is a safe and controlled way to express your feelings)

v Tune into the feelings that you want/need to express

v Write without fear of judgement or reprisal because the letter won’t be sent

v You do not need to censor or edit or even read the letter when you finish

v Write quickly without stopping until there is nothing more to be said

v Begin the letter with a springboard statement like, “What I’ve wanted to tell you is…” or “Something you may not know about me is…”

The final step is your commitment to LET IT GO!  Letting go is not easy but it can be done and achieved by creating a closing, such as a ritual. The ritual is your unique way to dispose of the letter. Do not keep the letter because that only harbours the anger.

Some suggestions for a ritual are:

v  Burn the letter

v  Rip it up and stomp on the pieces and throw it away

v  Drown it in water

v  Bury it

This exercise can be emotionally charged.  It is important to have someone to debrief with after you finish.  After you have finished the exercise, do something nice for yourself. Take a warm bath, go for a walk, work out at the gym, or sit quietly and listen to soothing music. 

Remember: the human mind cannot hold two thoughts at once; therefore, it cannot hold a positive and negative thought at the same time. One will dominate! The gift for all of us is that we get to choose…so choose wisely! 

Celebrity Deaths

Elizabeth Taylor’s adoring fans grieve and mourn her passing this week.  Ms. Taylor, with her beautiful violet eyes, will be remembered for her dedication to increasing awareness and helping those living with Aids. She was a talented actress, kind-hearted person, and deeply passionate about creating a better life for others.

In 2009, the world mourned the loss of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson.  The death of Michael Jackson overshadowed the deaths of McMahon and Fawcett in the media; however, they too were grieved by a large following of fans.

People may ask why we mourn and feel such deep sorrow for people we have never met. The reason is that although we have never met them, we have a relationship with them. These relationships are naturally one-sided; the celebrity does not know us or anything at all about us. Nonetheless, we welcomed them into our world. We studied them, followed them, and learned everything we could about their private lives.

The world also mourned when President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Elvis Presley and Princess Diana died. And most of us can still tell you exactly what we were doing the moment we heard the news of their deaths. I was at a cocktail party in Maui the night Princess Diana was killed. When I heard the news, I remember feeling like we were all in a movie. A hush fell over the crowd and as my eyes scanned the hotel’s lanai it felt and looked like we were all moving in slow motion. I was saddened for a long time about her death. In part, my sadness was because like everyone else, I truly appreciated her. And in part, it was because she had two small children. My own children were still grieving the loss of their father and I empathized with the difficult journey before Prince William and Prince Harry. My heart broke for them.

It’s natural for people to feel a sense of loss when someone they have come to appreciate dies, even if they don’t know them. When it becomes “unnatural” or “unhealthy” is when a person becomes immobilized from the sorrow and truly can’t move forward in life. This is when an individual’s grief has become distorted and they would benefit from the help of a professional.

S.H.A.R.E.

When I have the opportunity to present to nursing students, healthcare professionals or at conferences, I use the acronym S.H.A.R.E. to explain how to meet the needs of people working through loss.

S – Support (engage in short & long-term supports)

People rally around a family as soon as tragedy takes hold.  Unfortunately, they will need support long after the funeral takes place or the person with a catastrophic injury returns home. This makes it extremely important that others see they have short-term supports after the initial event takes place and long-term supports to help them down the road.

H – Hope (thread or sense that some good will return in their life)

People need hope to do the work of grieving. This requires a delicate touch. Don’t rush in with statements like, “You are young, you can get married again.” But rather, give them hope by letting them know that you will be there for them for however long it takes – they won’t be alone. Remember this… if what you say isn’t hopeful, I guarantee it won’t be helpful!

A – Acknowledge (life prior to the event…at the moment…in the future)

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, describes this as saying “hello, goodbye, hello.” It means that for people to let go of the life they had and to move forward, they must have the opportunity to acknowledge where they have been, where they are, and what the future may hold.

R – Reflection (spiritual, memories, planning for the future)

Reflecting on life is a normal part of the process. It is a way for individuals to fully acknowledge their losses and to make meaning out of the new life they have. There is no timeframe for this… it can be a slow process. Remember... “grieving is a process – not an event.”

E – Engage In Life (reconnect to loved ones, friends, & community)

As an individual moves through the grief journey, and if they do the work of mourning, they will engage in life. You will see and hear them connecting with family and friends and making plans for the future. They will never forget the person they lost or the life that they shared. If they have the opportunity to do the work, they integrate the loss into their life and move forward.

Pet Grief

Pets are part of the family for people. They are loyal companions and bring a great deal of joy and laughter to us. It’s understandable that your heart can break when your pet dies. It’s not uncommon for others to not “get” what you are upset about. “It was just a pet” or “you can get another one” may be some of the insensitive things you hear. Simply dismiss those comments. You have the right to grieve the loss of a cherished animal.

When grieving the loss of a family pet, you may experience the same types of responses that you would if another human died. Responses include: confusion, sadness, disorganization, loss of sleep or appetite to name a few. The best way to cope is to give expression to your feelings of grief, just as you would for your fellow man. Surround yourself with those who understand what it means to lose a pet. Share your stories and photos. Cherish the memories.

A comforting website to visit is www.petloss.com. There you will find inspirational writings such as the one below:

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
~Author unknown

Creating Ritual and Ceremony

Ritual and ceremony is an important way to mark milestones in life. Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, weddings, and graduations are events infused with ritual and ceremony. It’s important to mark holidays and “rites of passage” with celebration by taking time from our daily routine to do things differently.

When it comes to a loved one’s death, it’s acceptable to commemorate their life with a funeral or memorial service. Within these events, families and friends gather for prayer, song, and tributes. It often follows with a tea or social where people speak with the family and share stories. Outside of the funeral, families are not usually invited to create ongoing rituals or ceremonies; however, it has been my experience that people do, but opt to not say anything for fear of criticism. For example, a dear friend of mine makes barbecue ribs on Christmas Eve as a way to pay tribute to her mom who passed away a number of years ago. It has become her simple, but loving ritual every year that helps her face the holidays without her mother.

When both my daughters married, it was important to me to include their father in some way. They have a wonderful relationship with their stepfather and he escorted each of them down the aisle. To bring their father into the ceremony, the girls handpicked fellow officers he had worked with to attend in their dress uniforms. My eldest daughter had her father’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police dress Stetson on display, and my younger daughter had his dress high-top boots and spurs on display. We didn’t have to explain to the near two hundred guests at each of their weddings what this meant- they knew. It was moving. It was precious. And it helped us to face the day without him.

I am not promoting that people memorialize the deceased at every event. While I can’t generalize the situation for everyone, people can become stuck in their grief and create shrines or leave belongings untouched for years. For some, intervention and/or counselling may be of help. What I am encouraging is that people listen to their heart, and if a family feels that including the memory of a loved one in a special event enriches it and helps to heal their loss, then they should do it. It doesn’t matter what others think – they haven’t walked in your shoes.

How have you included the memory of a loved one in a special event?

It’s Okay to Say Their Name

People often think they will upset the family if they say the name of the deceased. This is the opposite of what the family is thinking. They want to hear their loved one’s name. In fact, hearing their loved one’s name gives them comfort. It shows them that their love one has not been forgotten. It conveys that you care and you are aware of their loss. Besides, you can’t upset them ~ they are already upset.

R.A.G.E.

R.A.G.E. is a normal part of the grief experience. What is rage?

R – regret

          It’s normal to experience thoughts of “could-have” “should-have” “I did” and “I didn’t” following the death of a loved one. We regret not having that conversation to clear the air or doing that special thing together that we had always talked about doing. Try to focus on what you did do and what you did have together instead of what you didn’t.

A – anger

          I felt angry towards the person who hit my husband on his police motorcycle. I can’t remember how long I felt it, but I did and I had to work through that. I also felt angry when he died – after all, we had two children close to the teen years and we were going to do this together! Now I was on my own. Again, feeling angry is normal – it is how you express that anger that you need to be cautious about.

G – guilt

          Feeling guilty is also a normal part of the grief experience. For me, I felt guilty that I had been the one left here to live. I felt guilty when I fell in love and remarried. At times, I felt guilty that I was able to be a part of and enjoy our daughters’ lives and their dad couldn’t. It isn’t always rational - but it is real and needs to be worked through.

E – emotional roller coaster

          The grief journey is the “roller coaster from hell".  It is about taking ten steps forward and then 50 back. You may think that you have a handle on your feelings when suddenly the sound of a song or the sight of a couple walking past holding hands will render you to tears. The grief journey is not predictable or orderly. You can’t force it into a linear process – it is a twisty-turn type of path that leaves you feeling as though  you are walking in a fog. Everything that was familar, no longer is.

What has your experience been with these emotions?

Loss of a Sibling

When my brother, Brian died, part of me died too. I wasn’t alone in that. His wife, three children, my mother and my brothers and sisters all felt the same way. He had a large extended family and a circle of friends who were also devastated by his death.

Each of us had a different grief experience. While we could empathize with one another about what the grief experience was like, we could only understand on a personal level what it felt like . This is what it was like for me: I wasn’t ready to let him go. The doctors were clear: They had never had a person survive his magnitude of brain injury. To keep him alive was to keep him a prisoner locked in a vegetative state. I knew that. Nonetheless, I wasn’t ready to let him go.

After he died, I thought I grieved. I did, but not really. Instead, I turned into a workaholic. I kept busy with my studies, household tasks and activities with my husband and children. I did anything to keep busy ~ anything to not feel the pain.

I would not allow myself to deal with my feelings because I didn’t feel worthy. After all, “I was just his little sister.” He had a beautiful young wife and three precious children. He had a mother who adored him and who appreciated him for being a source of strength when she went through difficulties. I kept telling myself “those relationships deserve more attention.” In some warped way, I convinced myself that if I were to call attention to my grief, then it would somehow detract from theirs. That’s what grief does… it gives us a warped sense of reality!

I came to learn that everyone not only has the right to grieve a relationship, but that it is also a necessity. Each of us had our own relationship with Brian, and each of us had to reconcile that loss in our own way and in our own time.

Have you experienced the death of a sibling? How did you cope with the loss?

Japan’s Disaster a Global Heartbreak

Much like the 6.3 earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand, the 8.9 earthquake in Japan has gripped the world’s attention. In recent years, we were also stunned by the aftermath of earthquakes in China, Chile, and Haiti. The collective loss of lives, devastation, and concern for the future of those surviving such enormous tragedies is profound. Their pain and suffering is felt throughout the world for several reasons.

First of all, our globe has become a small sphere given the connections we can make worldwide via the Internet, Facebook and Twitter. Relationships through business, networking, friendships and mastermind groups are all ways that we have come to “meet” people and develop a relationship with them via e-mail, instant messaging, telephone, and Skype. We may never meet them face-to-face, but that doesn’t mean the connection on a heart and soul level hasn’t been made. Feelings of worry, care and concern are still going to be normal regardless of whether you have actually had the opportunity to shake the person’s hand.

Secondly, people have become world travelers and/or live in different countries because of work or volunteer opportunities. In doing so, we meet lots of new people and after returning home the connections you made will be carried in your heart and soul. If something were to happen in an area where you made new friends ~ albeit it even briefly ~ again, you would likely experience some anxiety, concern and worry until you get news that all is well with them.

Last, but not least, we are humans with hearts that resonate with others when they feel sorrow and pain. Our hearts break for those who are suffering, even if we don’t know them, because we know what it is to live and love and we know what it means if we were to lose that.

So today, and any other day, when your heart is held captive to global sorrow, what should you do? Don’t dismiss it for starters. Take some time to stop and reflect on what you are feeling and give expression to those feelings. Are you feeling sad or anxious because you know someone or have made a connection with someone where the disaster struck? Or, are you consumed with the reality that life can turn on a dime and we never know when or what can take place that will change the world forever? Either way, here are some tips to help you work through the feelings you are having today:

• Allow yourself to reflect on the situation and understand why you feel the way you do
• Take time to give gratitude for the good in your life right now (kiss your spouse and hug your kids!)
• Find a way to offer support to those who have survived the disaster (make a donation, volunteer, even say a prayer)
• Surround yourself with people you love and trust and who will allow you to express your feelings
• Recognize that your visceral response to a global disaster may be a sign of unresolved grief from events that personally affected you in the past. If this is the case, give yourself permission to do the work of healing now ~ it’s never too late and you are worth it!

Life Reviews

There are two types of life reviews. One is a phenomenon that occurs during a near-death experience. The person will see their life in chronological order. The other is when the elderly or dying have an opportunity to reflect on their life and to communicate those memories with another.

There are tremendous benefits for everyone when a life review is performed. For the person doing the life review, it brings value and meaning to their experiences. It also brings closure. For the family and friends receiving the stories, the life review provides an oral history ~ they may hear or learn things that they had no idea about or that they always wondered about. If the elderly or dying person is okay with it, having someone videotape the review provides a permanent record to be enjoyed in the future.

How to get started with a life review? It doesn’t have to be an onerous task – play some music and start reminiscing with photos. Pictures trigger wonderful stories! Another suggestion is an activity that I call The Memory Tree. Make some paper hearts out of red construction paper. Punch a hole at the top and string a thread or ribbon through the hole. Encourage family and friends to record their favourite memory with the person. Hang the hearts on a silk or real household plant/tree. It’s easy to take a heart from the tree and ask, “Grandpa, tell me about the fishing trip with my dad when he was ten.” Have a pen and paper ready to take notes! 

Preplanning a Funeral

For some, the thought of preplanning a funeral is utterly morbid. It’s not. There are many reasons to consider preplanning your funeral.

To begin with, immediately following a loved one’s death, the family is quite emotional. If this was a sudden death, they are likely to be in shock and completely overwhelmed with what has happened. If this was an anticipated death, the process could have been long and arduous; therefore, they are probably feeling drained emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, waiting to make the funeral arrangements until everyone is feeling strong enough is not an option. A funeral is generally held within a few days of the person dying.

One of the most important reasons to consider preplanning your funeral is to see that your wishes will be carried out. Things will be done just the way that you want. Your family will not be left to second guess what your wishes would be.

Another important factor is financial. In preplanning your funeral, the costs are predetermined and you can even prepay into a plan to ensure the expenses are covered. This relieves your family of tremendous concern and burden.

Preplanning and paying for your funeral may be the most thoughtful thing that you can do for your family.

Forgiveness ~ Is it About Letting Someone off the Hook?

“Father, forgive me for I have sinned." This came out of my mouth every Saturday at confession. The religious teachings to seek forgiveness DID NOT teach me anything about forgiveness ~ what it really is and why it is so important.  I just knew (because the teachings told me) that I was born a sinner and would always be a sinner. Thankfully, I have recovered from that tainted teaching!

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is about loving yourself enough to let go of the pain and the hurt inflicted on you by another. Forgiving them does not in any way let them off the hook for their actions. They are still accountable for the harm they did and you have the right to not allow the experience back into your life again. Forgiveness is about releasing the inner turmoil so that you can move forward with your life, in a rich and meaningful way. This may or may not include the other person.

If you choose to not forgive ~ and yes, it is a choice ~ it is you who ultimately pays the price. To hold on to anger and resentment secures your path in a deep sludge that I guarantee will spill over into your relationships and future experiences. On the other hand, if you choose to forgive, the benefit to yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually is immeasurable.

What does forgiveness mean to you?

Bonus Blog: Through the Tears

For centuries, tears have been misinterpreted as a sign of weakness. We all know that males are told from a young age, “Big boys don’t cry.” For women, while it is more acceptable for us to weep, the acceptance is often couched in labels such as: “high strung, over-emotional, drama-queens, or hysterical.” It’s all bunk. Yes, there is no doubt that some people can take it to the extreme ~ this is true for both men and women~ but generally tears are a natural way to shed stress and feelings of sorrow.

There are times when we can’t put our feelings into words. Crying is a perfectly healthy way to release those emotions. Other times the heartbreaking reality of what is happening is so overwhelming that the body has to do something to let go of the pain. Isn’t it far better to go through a box of Kleenex than to inch yourself towards a heart attack or other physical response? I think so.

You may have encountered someone who responded to your tears with statements like: “Don’t cry.” “It’s okay.” “It’s not that bad.” “It’s not worth crying over.” Here is the truth why these people attempt to close the floodgates for others ~ they have not got the ability to be present to pain. Their efforts to stop the tears are about them… not about the person who is crying.

So how do you convey support to someone who is distraught? Simply be present and allow them to feel what they need to feel for however long they need to feel it. Don’t attempt to suppress their tears. It’s okay, and loving, to gently place a hand on their shoulder, arm or leg to let them know that you are there and will be there for however long it takes. Just listening and being are the greatest gifts of all.

Moreover, remember this: People can die from a broken heart ~ no one has died from crying.

 *This is dedicated to my children who have listened to me with open hearts this week. Myriah, Dale, Matt & Megan ~ thank you!

Aniticipatory Grief

When family receives the news that a loved one is going to die, their world instantly comes to a stop.

At first, it is difficult to believe that what you think you heard is, in fact, the truth. Life moves in slow motion and yet the news swirls in your head at light speed. You are catapulted into a world of fear, shock and even denial. While trying to figure out what the dying person may want, you begin to struggle with the reality that you have to say goodbye.

After learning of a loved one’s diagnosis, it’s normal that we want to protect them by not talking about the inevitable. Sometimes, they feel the same way ~ they don’t want to upset anyone so they don’t talk about the foreseeable either. By avoiding the conversation, families unintentionally block meaningful dialogue. Yes, it will be sad. Yes, there will be tears. The truth is… you will be sad and have tears whether you talk about death or not. My advice is: get out of your head and stay in your heart. There are many end-of-life decisions to be made and it all starts with meaningful conversation.

My upcoming book Extraordinary Mourning: Healing for a Broken Heart will have a chapter dedicated to the topic of Anticipatory Grief. It’s a complex but important topic. For more information on End-of-life Care or Anticipatory Grief, visit the following websites:

• Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association http://www.chpca.net
• American Hospice Foundation www.americanhospice.org
• Center to Advance Palliative Care www.getpalliativecare.org
• Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services www.medicare.gov
• Department of Veterans Affairs www.va.gov
• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization www.nhpco.org

Was there a time when you were told a loved one would die? What was the most difficult part of the experience for you?

The Loss of a Child

I have experienced many losses in my life, but I have not experienced the death of a child.

I have miscarried a child, as did one of my daughters. Miscarriage is heartbreaking, and many women endure multiple miscarriages and go through a very difficult grief journey as a result. I can’t compare the two— the death of a child before his or her birth vs. the death of a child after his or her birth – these are two significant ways to experience loss, and it is grossly unfair to parents who have endured such heartbreak to infer they are the same. In this blog, I am writing about the death of a child after birth.

As I said, I have not experienced the death of one of my children. Therefore, I feel extremely inadequate to write about such an occurrence. I truly have no idea how difficult this would be. I can only share what I have learned and/or observed from others who have gone through this and pray that I give them the respect they deserve.

After my brother died, my mother was so lost. She ached for him. Her grief was different then his wife’s and children. Her sorrow differed from mine. Her pain was incomparable to the pain my siblings experienced. She was his mother. Even though none of us could fully understand what it felt like for her, we understood what she meant by, “This is so out of order. A child should never die before their parent.”

As a young mother, I knew what it felt like to want to protect my children from any harm. I doubt there is any parent who would not give of their own life for that of their child’s. I would have for my children, and I would do it now as a grandmother for my grandchildren. The reality is that it is not an option.

The heartbreak that comes with the death of child is intense. It is probably the deepest wound to one’s heart. Given the complexity and intensity, it is very difficult for both parents. To begin with, each person grieves differently. Secondly, the very two people who are the main support for one another are grieving and may not have the ability to fully support their partner or spouse. It’s complex.

There are layers of grief in any loss; however, the loss of a child brings many unique layers to the table. Each member of the family must grieve the loss of the relationship with the child who died, and they now must grieve the loss of their family, as they once knew it to be. An additional layer would be with grandparents. They are in a unique position where they are grieving for the loss of a grandchild and their heart is broken for their bereaved adult son or daughter.

This topic is much too complex for a blog, but it is a profound loss, which needs to be acknowledged. I cannot possibly do it justice here. I will write more about this in my upcoming book Extraordinary Mourning: Healing for a Broken Heart.

Have you survived the loss of a child? It would be an honour to hear your experience.