Memory Garden

Much like a memory collage, my belief is that a memory garden serves to facilitate a way for family and friends to enjoy memories of their loved one. A memory garden is a place of healing. It allows one to suspend life and to walk or sit in solitude while reflecting on the person who has died and/or the meaning of life.

Beautiful plants, rich in fragrance and colour hold a magical power to soothe the body, mind and spirit. Small birds, butterflies, a babbling brook or water fountain also add to the calming effects and reverence that a garden can hold. For me, from the birthing of spring to the ending in winter, a garden represents the cycle of life.

It is my dream to open a retreat centre for those living with loss to visit for rest, reflection and support. Part of the ambience will include a memory garden with beautiful seasonal flowers and winter-hardy plants for year-round use. People will be invited to plant flowers, trees and shrubs in memory of the person they have lost.

Photo Credit: Simon Howden
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=404

Death of a Leader

The recent death of NDP leader Jack Layton has devastated Canadians. Regardless of one’s political affiliation, Layton deserves recognition for the accomplishments in his career, which spanned 3 decades. Much like Diana, who was known as ‘the people’s princess’, Layton was considered to be ‘the people’s politician’.  A dedicated family man and proud Canadian, Mr. Layton believed in his fellow Canadians and he devoted his efforts to building a better, fairer Canada to benefit all.

Icons, from politicians to princesses, have captured our hearts and brought hope to the world stage by giving voice to the people. When a leader dies, although we may not have ever met them, we experience sadness and sorrow. Much like when a celebrity dies (e.g. Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson), as the years pass, we will remember the day and exactly what we were doing when their death was announced.

The sorrow expressed by the people when a leader dies is normal. As in Mr. Layton’s death, we recognize a life ended far too soon. But some also feel their voice, and perhaps hope for their country has been silenced. The wonderful thing is that leaders, such as Jack Layton and Martin Luther King, inspire others… and others will now take a stand and work towards making a better country for their fellow man, because of what they learned and witnessed from the leader they respected. His work will be carried on.

Mr. Layton made a difference in this country and he will never be forgotten. True to his nature of caring for others, at a very private time when his days with his family were limited, Layton wrote a letter to Canadians. Below is an excerpt to comfort and inspire us all:

“… And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change. In the months and years to come, New Democrats will put a compelling new alternative to you. My colleagues in our party are an impressive, committed team. Give them a careful hearing; consider the alternatives; and consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”

Helplessness

A significant loss can leave us feeling helpless and powerless. It means that the person feels they cannot defend his or herself or they can’t take any action. It’s an awful feeling, but it’s a common feeling following loss.

You do feel as though life is out of control. That’s because it is. Often what happened is beyond the person’s control and really without choice or negotiation. Even when I have had preparation that a loved one was going to die, I felt helpless and powerless when it happened.

After suffering a loss, your footing in this world and the very foundation that your life was built on may seem to have shifted. Nothing feels safe or secure anymore. The more you try to fight it, the more exhausting it becomes. You may feel as though you have been thrust into 'an ocean of emotion' without a life preserver.

Individuals experiencing a sense of helplessness due to loss will benefit from sharing their feelings with a person who understands. The bereaved can’t be rushed through the process… it’s a process, not an event and therefore, it takes time. I have said this before... time doesn't heal all but what we do with the time heals us... so speaking with someone you trust and who understands the unpredictable journey you are traveling will help you to get that sure footing again. They won't judge or rush you.

Be gentle with yourself or others who are traveling this journey. It is long and arduous. Helplessness and powerlessness are some of the bridges to cross.

Crying

A song can make a person cry. A picture can make a person cry. Pain makes people cry. And the sorrow of losing a loved one has the power to not only make you cry… it can bring you to your knees.

It’s very common for people to burst into tears when they get the news of a loved one’s death. It’s also common for some to go into shock and to not cry right away. Sometimes one person will never shed a tear over the loss while another in the family is inconsolable.

We have come a long way over the years in accepting people’s tears. It is still more acceptable to see children and women cry… not so much for men. But we are getting better at accepting that men may experience some of the same responses a woman does. And it is okay if they cry. 

When a person has suffered a significant loss, sometimes crying is all they can do. I remember when my brother died and when my husband died… I thought there were days that I cried so hard, I would turn myself inside out! But during those times, I could not possibly put into words the depths of my sorrow. Crying provided an outlet for me. It released stress, tension and gave me a way to express my sadness and sorrow. In those moments (or hours and sometimes days) crying was very healing.

When a person shares their tears with you, understand that they may not be able to put into words how they are feeling. Refrain from saying things like, “What’s wrong?” “Why are you crying?” “Don’t cry.” “It will be okay.” “Crying won’t do any good.” These are not helpful. Instead just be there for them. Gently place a hand on their arm or shoulder to ground them and to convey to them that you are there and they are safe.

Here is something that I know for certain… no one has ever died from crying… but people have died from a broken heart.

Mystical Experiences

In the blog on dreams, I mentioned that sometimes people feel their loved one has communicated with them in a dream. The dream can be so real that when they awaken it is difficult to tell if the conversation took place or not. People may also see a vision of their deceased loved one, or have something take place (i.e. flower blooms in the middle of winter) and take this as a sign from their loved one to say they are okay. These are mystical experiences. Not everyone will understand these experiences so you may want to ensure that the people you share this with will not judge you.

I have had several experiences like this. The most profound for me was a dream that I had about my brother. He died in March 1989, and I had this dream in September 1990. In the dream, I was walking down the street and my brother was walking towards me. He looked well and just as I had remembered him. He was wearing blue jeans, a blue plaid short-sleeved shirt, a navy blue sleeveless vest, his brown hush puppy shoes, and a cigarette in hand. I knew he was dead. We walked passed one another and then I stopped, turned around and called to him, “Brian…” He turned and said, “What?” I replied, “Are you going to tell me what is going to happen?” He said, “No. Janelle, if I told you what was going to happen, you would have to come and sit with God and the angels too. What I can tell you is that you will be just fine.” And he walked away. When I woke up, I knew the dream was ominous. I went to see my mother and told her what happened and I said that in my heart, I knew he was preparing me for my husband’s death.

There was no reason to believe that Gerry would die. He was 5 months post-injury and by all accounts, the doctors felt he was doing okay… they didn’t think he would get any better, but they didn’t anticipate further complications. In my gut though, I knew something wasn’t right. Three weeks after I had the dream, he died of a massive heart attack at home. This was completely unexpected.

Have you had a mystical experience? Were you able to share it with someone?

Photo Credit: Dan's portfolio is:http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=587

Dreams

It is not unusual to have vivid dreams of your loved one after they die. The dreams may be different each time, or you may experience one that repeats itself over and over. In our dream state, the work of mourning can be facilitated as often the dreams may be a way to help reconcile and acknowledge the reality of your loved one’s death.

Dreams may also be a way of confronting our feelings at the very deepest level. For example, I had a reoccurring dream for over a year after my husband died. It was always the same thing happening… he would phone me and tell me that our marriage was over. In the dream, I would plead with him to stay… beg for him to tell me why… how could it be so easy to walk away from me and our children? Eventually, I was confronted with my feelings and realized that the sense of rejection and abandonment that I felt was so overwhelming that I felt powerless. When I was able to understand the emotions and feelings that I had, then I was able to work on them. It wasn’t easy but I finally had a place to start.

Sometimes people feel their loved one has communicated with them in the dream.  The dreams can be so real that when you awaken you may wonder if the conversation really did take place. These are very mystical type of experiences and not everyone will understand if they have not personally experienced something like it.

A person may have reoccurring nightmares, especially after a traumatic, violent death. This too is ‘normal’ albeit very frightening. It is wise for the person experiencing these kinds of dreams to speak with a person who can provide support, guidance and understanding.

Remember that nobody can interpret your dream better than you can. Dreams are fascinating and I have learned over the years that they may not mean the obvious. It is worthwhile to record your dreams and spend time reflecting on them to determine a pattern or underlying message.

To record your dreams try the following:

·         Keep pen and paper or a journal by your bed

·         Record the date

·         When you wake up, record whatever it is that you remember… colours, conversations, people, a feeling, or anything else that comes to mind

·         Don’t over analyze… just write it down

·         If you feel you want to write about the dream more fully do so, or put it aside until you are able to explore it more without any interruptions

·         If you don’t think that you dream or you can’t possibly remember, try the steps above and you will see that over time you can remember more and more dreams

Photo Credit: Just2shutter:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2714

Time Distortion

You know how when you are on holidays you lose track of time and perhaps go about your day aimlessly not checking the calendar or even your watch? That happens when you are grieving too. The downside is that your sense of time and space are not distorted because you are relaxing and having fun. Instead, it feels like you are going crazy!

Not remembering what day of the week it is, what time of day it is or if an event happened recently, are all common experiences following the loss of a loved one. Your mind has shut down from the stress and the mundane day-to-day things just get lost in the shuffle. Be patient with yourself. Like so many other emotions you can experience on this journey, the distortion of time is temporary.

Time will march on and moment by moment you will get stronger and stronger. One day you will be completely caught off-guard because you will realize that your every thought is no longer consumed with what has happened. This too is normal and a part of the process.

Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659

Survival Guilt

What is survival guilt? It is when you feel guilty that you are alive and a loved one has died.

I have met individuals over the years who survived horrific car crashes, but someone they cared about died in the crash. While they are grateful they survived, they hold incredible sorrow for the other person’s death. The cause of the crash and if they were responsible in any way could also be a factor in their feelings; therefore, working with a professional who understands what the person is experiencing will be of benefit. Some of the people that I have met were not responsible at all for the person’s death, yet they hold back in ‘living their life’ because their friend or loved one died. This is an ‘emotional jail term’ that can be endless.

Although I was with my husband when he suffered a massive heart attack, I did not know CPR. I called for the ambulance and the Volunteer Fire Department was also dispatched. All of them, of course, were skilled in CPR and administered it immediately. They worked on him for over an hour, but they were not able to resuscitate him. For a very long time I was trapped in that emotional jail. I believed that somehow in that small period of time when I waited for help to arrive that I contributed to his death because I didn’t know CPR. It was nearly two years later, after I sent the autopsy report to a friend who was a heart transplant surgeon in the United States, that I finally allowed myself to not feel responsible for his death. Our friend explained that the type of heart attack he had was so massive that had a team of doctors been standing beside him, they would not have been able to prevent his death. He was sincere in telling me this information – it wasn’t just to make me feel better.

It was then in my grief journey that I began to realize that the ‘endings are not ours to write.’ We don’t get to choose who will die, how they will die, when they will die, or where we are at in life with them when they die. We only get to choose to survive.

Photo Credit: Arvind Balaraman
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1058

Sugarland Tragedy

North America is deeply saddened by the tragedy resulting from a collapsed stage at the Indiana State Fair on Saturday, August 13, 2011. As of this morning there are five confirmed dead and more than 40 people injured. One of the deaths was that of stagehand, Nate Byrd.

Previously, I have written about celebrity deaths and why the death of someone we have never met can have such impact on us. This blog is to offer the opposite perspective of how this horrific incident may affect the Sugarland band members, Jennifer Nettles and Kristian Bush as well as those who work with them. They likely did not know those who died, but they will be impacted personally by this sorrow.

Soon after the tragedy occurred, Sugarland sent out a Twitter message letting their fans know that they were fine and that they were praying for the victims and their families. The intent of their message was to convey that they were not injured when the wind swept through and collapsed the stage only minutes before the concert was to begin. While they are unharmed physically, this caring duo may have a long road ahead of them to truly integrate the reality of this tragedy.

Nettles and Bush are fortunate to have a large, loving community in country music. Fellow singers, songwriters and musicians can easily validate the emotional roller coaster they could find themselves on as the days pass. Country legend, Reba McEntire lost her entire band and tour manager when their plane crashed in March 1991. Barbara Mandrell nearly lost her life in a horrific car crash in September 1984. In 1963, family, friends and fellow musicians experienced an incredible sorrow when country vocalist, Patsy Cline died in a plane crash. While the experience of McEntire, Mandrell and Cline are vastly different they share a theme… an unforeseen tragedy broke the hearts of many.

The greatest country songs ever written were about heartbreak.  Many more have been written about mending a broken heart.  All were born from the writer’s pain of losing someone or something precious in their life. I have no doubt that the craft of writing music will be a tremendous catharsis for Sugarland as they integrate this tragedy into their life.

Fans and colleagues need to be patient with the duo and encourage them to slowly work through the feelings they may be having about this tragedy AND/OR the feelings that may arise as the days pass. Long after the newspapers stop reporting about this event, the band members may still be consumed with thoughts of “Why our concert?” “Why that night?” “Why those people?” Family, friends, colleagues and fans need to lovingly listen and allow them to explore these questions without attempting to judge, persuade or dissuade them from feeling what they feel. You don’t have to answer the questions they ask. They don’t expect you to. Whenever someone asks these questions, they are searching for meaning and attempting to make sense out of what has happened. They will find their own answers… the listener merely facilitates the exploration.

I don’t know Nettles or Bush, but I do know they are human and these are normal responses that anyone could experience. My intent is not to presume they will experience any particular emotion, but rather to enlighten fans and those who work closely with them that they may experience a wide range of feelings and emotions resulting from this tragedy. Moreover, the duo may be caught off guard with the depth of emotions that arise.  

My hope is that Nettles and Bush find comfort among family and friends and come to understand what I and millions of others have learned through tragedy: We don’t get to choose who will die, when they will die, how old they will be when they die, how they will die, or where we will be at with them in their journey when they die. We only get to choose to survive and to live our lives until the moment we die… to live it fully, deeply, lovingly and with joy.

I send my prayers and blessings to Sugarland, to those who were injured and to all the families and friends of the victims who died in this tragedy. May you be comforted by love, patience and understanding in the days ahead.

Confusion

Regardless of having experienced the death of a loved one, everyone can identify with how it feels to be confused. Confusion is another feeling people may experience early in the grief journey. It really goes hand in hand with feeling disorganized.

Feeling confused after a loved one’s death is not something we can control. Even the most organized, focused person may experience this. It manifests in not having the ability to complete tasks – lots of starts and stops with simple projects and some may never be completed. Walking into a room and not having a clue of where you were headed or what the purpose behind you going there was. Forgetting and being able to retain information is also normal. Don’t expect that you will whiz through your day as you had before. Low productivity and lack of initiation are also a normal part of the process.

The grieving process is serious, difficult work to do. The early days are fraught with feeling like you are going crazy and that you should be doing better than you are. You may even think you are doing this all wrong. Set aside the self-doubt and be gentle with yourself instead. You are not doing it wrong. Feeling confused can be frustrating, but like shock, numbness and disorganization … it is temporary.  All of these temporary feelings are wrapped in a heavy dose of fatigue, so pace yourself and take little breaks throughout the day.

Photo Credit: Gregory Szarkiewicz:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=252

Numbness

A sense of feeling numb after loss is as common as shock and disorganization. It’s all part of being in disbelief of what has happened. And like shock, it holds a purpose – to assist you in taking in what has happened in small doses.

Numbness is just that… you’re numb and can’t really feel anything. It doesn’t mean the person will carry on in their day as though nothing has happened. What others will see is that they are ‘shut down’ and have no desire to do anything. They may lack the initiative to get started on things or even to meet their own needs. They may not want to get out of bed and they may wander around with a sense of ‘what’s the point’.

Feeling numb is a normal response in the grief process. It is not the same as postponing grief. When a person postpones their grief, they are pushing it aside until they feel it will be safe to deal with their feelings. This is unhealthy and has severe consequences such as the grief journey never ending. A sense of numbness is temporary and takes place early in the journey.

Photo Credit: Graur Codrin:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=982

Sympathy Gifts

The tradition of offering gifts to the bereaved goes back centuries. When we are at a loss for words, often this is the way in which we can express our feelings of love and support to the family. There are many traditional gifts to offer; however, giving some thought to the personality of the deceased and the relationship they had with the bereaved may lead you to some creative ideas. Gifts are always a kind gesture and do not have to expensive.

Flowers – people traditionally send bouquets of flowers to the family at their home. Bouquets and wreaths or sprays are also sent to the funeral home. Keep in mind that the family may receive a dozen or more floral arrangements and not have room for all of them. They may donate them to the hospital or a senior centre. You may want to consider giving a plant or a tree seedling that the family can plant outdoors in memory of their loved one. You may also consider not sending flowers until the one month anniversary of their loved one’s passing. This way the family will have more room and they will be touched that you are acknowledging the anniversary.

Food – taking food to the family’s home is also a traditional gift-giving idea. Consider that others will be bringing gifts of food too, so you may want to take an item that can be frozen for later use. In choosing what type of food to take, consider the cultural food preferences and/or if anyone in the family has allergies. Besides casseroles, food gift baskets with cheese and crackers and fruit are enjoyable and good to have on hand for company and snacking. Gift cards to a local grocery story would be thoughtful and then the family can pick up things they run out of, such as toilet paper or soap.

Charitable Gifts – Determine if the family has requested donations be made to a favourite charity. Or you may consider sending the family some money to help with the expenditures of the funeral and having extra people in the home.

Talents – Don’t overlook offering to use your talents. Do you scrapbook? Are you a whiz on the computer? Do you make quilts? Consider making a scrapbook, photo slideshow on a DVD or a memory quilt for the family. Gifts like these will bring comfort to the family for years to come.

Keepsake Gifts – In addition to the gift ideas mentioned above, you could send a personalized gift such as an engraved picture frame with a note suggesting the family place a favourite photo of their loved one inside. I adopted this gift-giving idea years ago in place of sending flowers. It will last forever and pictures are a wonderful way for families to remember their loved one by.

Cards – A thoughtful card with a beautiful inscription is always well-received. Consider making your own card and writing a personalized note inside offering to mow the lawn, babysit, clean the house, or to cook dinner one night. Gifts of time are immeasurable. Tucking a gift card to the family’s favourite restaurant or to a local movie theatre inside would provide a pleasant distraction for the family in the future.

Photo Credit: Dan
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=587

Sleep Disturbances

It is not uncommon to experience sleep disturbances following the death of a loved one or suffering a significant loss. Often people will say that the nights are the hardest. I certainly found this to be true after my husband died.

The house was so quiet after my daughters went to bed. Soon after we said our goodnights my thoughts would turn to what was and what would never be again. I would go to bed, but toss and turn. I would be up and down, pacing the floor until all hours of the morning. It was terrible. And you know how it is when you keep telling yourself that you need to get to sleep…the harder it is to drift off.

It is not uncommon to have dreams about a loved one after they die. This is a form of expressing grief and dreams help to facilitate mourning. On the other hand, an individual may experience nightmares and then find it difficult to allow him or herself to go to sleep. It’s important for them to find a trusted person they can talk to who will understand what they are going though and can provide some guidance.

The good news is that the recommended nightly requirements for sleep do not have to be linear. As long as a person is getting adequate rest breaks and little naps here and there, it’s okay. If you, or someone you know, is experiencing a disturbance in your sleep pattern because of a loss, understand that this is normal and eventually your ability to sleep will increase. Until that happens, try the following:

·    Build in rest breaks throughout the day – even taking 20 – 30 minutes at a time to lie down in a quiet room by yourself will help to rest your mind and rejuvenate your body.

·   If you are tossing and turning in bed, lay on the sofa with the television turned on low.

·   Place soft music in your room and leave a low, soft light on if it makes you feel more comfortable. Avoid burning candles in the event you do fall asleep.

·  Keep a glass of water by your bed and/or sip herbal tea or warm milk.

·  Avoid self-medicating with alcohol as a way to fall asleep. Some people may become dependent on alcohol and as their consumption increases, other health risks rise too.

·  Avoid taking medications that have been prescribed for someone else. Well-meaning family and friends may offer you their ‘sleeping pills’ but it is unwise to take them. I am not a fan of giving people sleeping pills or tranquilizers because they are grieving; however, I am not a medical doctor and if you feel you do need something, then you should be seen by a physician. Don’t just start taking something because it worked for someone else.

Photo Credit:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Disorganization after Loss

The roller coaster ride after loss is like none other! People experience a myriad of responses which includes feeling an overwhelming sense of loss, being confused and just unable to pull your day together. The bereaved often wonder if they are ‘going crazy!’ It’s an incredibly confusing, exhausting, and frustrating time.

It’s common to not be able to think straight or to not be able to complete tasks that you previously could have completed with your eyes closed. In these early days, the memory of the person who died consumes one's thoughts. They may be so predominate in your thoughts that it is not unusual to experience a shift in what you may think you see or hear. It’s not unusual to spot someone in a crowd who may look like the person who died and in your mind there is a fleeting thought that it is them. Having dreams about the person who died is also very common and leaves a person feeling overwhelmed the next day as they attempt to make sense of what has happened and/or what the dream meant.

This is an exhausting time because sleep disturbances and interruptions in daily routines are common. People may not be eating properly and combined with sleep issues, they go through the day feeling very fatigued and just unwell.

The following are simple adjustments that will help:

• Understand that disorganization is a common response. You are not going crazy because you can’t remember why you walked into a room or because you catch yourself putting some belongings in silly places (i.e. your shoes in the oven)! It happens and it is normal.
• Find someone who understands what you are going through and who will listen to your story over and over. Talking about what you are feeling and experiencing is important.
• Take several rest breaks during the day to compensate for not getting a good solid night’s sleep.
• Take in small meals and drink plenty of water.
• Accept every hug that comes your way... you deserve it!

Photo Credit: Vegadsl’s portfolio:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=792

Shock after Loss

When we hear of a global tragedy, like the earthquakes in Japan or the Oslo bombing, we experience a sense of shock and numbness. This is also a common response when learning that a loved one has died.

Shock has a purpose – it acts like an insulation to protect us from fully taking in what happened. In a sense, it allows us to take in what has happened in small doses. That’s not a bad thing. Sometimes the reality of what has happened is so overwhelming and astounding that to take it in all at once would do more harm than good.

Shock doesn’t last for only a few hours. It can go on for a long time – for months even. What does it feel like to be in shock? It’s not uncommon to feel as though you walking in a fog, living in a dream, or just feeling stunned or dazed by what has occurred. Again there is a purpose to experiencing shock. Dr. Alan Wolfelt explains it like this, “Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has been told.”

It is critically important for those offering support to not rush the bereaved through this response. It takes time and they will drift in and out of the reality of their loss for an undetermined length of time. They won’t necessarily be able to take in what is being told to them… in fact, the words they are hearing are likely not even connecting for them. They will remember however, being comforted by those who love them and receiving unconditional support during that time.

People in shock may experience physiological responses too. It’s not uncommon to have aches and pains, heart palpitations, and an overall sense of feeling unwell. Emotions are overwhelming and they may cry or laugh uncontrollably and not always at the appropriate time. This may make others uncomfortable but if they can understand that it is perfectly normal, they can be of tremendous support to the person who is experiencing it.

In these early days of loss, it is important for people to be supported by a loving, understanding and patient network. Supporters should be prepared to provide a safe, nurturing place for their friend or family member to work through the process… and not to have an agenda of pushing them to accept the reality of the loss. They need time to take it in and sometimes it is best to absorb it in ‘bite-size pieces.’

Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659