Our Year in Review (2012): Storm & Rainbows

                                                           

Our Year in Review (2012): Storm & Rainbows

Greetings to all of our dearly loved family and friends:

This has been a year of lessons, uncertainty, gratitude, excitement and heartbreak. I usually try to avoid anything negative in my Christmas letters; however, the reality is that this year has been full of storms for us. On the other hand before, after and even during the storms, we received beautiful rainbows.

For over 30 thirty years I have written a Christmas letter and mailed between 80 and 100 cards to our family and friends. It was a tradition that I felt strongly about doing. In fact, I embarrassed our children several years in a row by making their dental checkups in November and writing out my cards while waiting for them. But hey, with five kids… I was there for the better part of the day so I made use of the time! Last year I got the letter written and all my cards signed and ready to be mailed. They are still sitting in the box. That was when Lyle first became ill and was hospitalized. After feeling guilty for the better part of the year, I realized that I still had all of my friends and not one person called, emailed or ‘unfriended’ me because they didn’t get my annual letter and card. It liberated me. This year I purposefully chose to not do cards and instead used the cost of cards, paper, ink and postage to have my grandsons take on a second needy family and purchase Christmas gifts for them. Every year we ask for names of a mom and two children to buy gifts for. The boys love to go shopping for them and then we make a big deal about delivering them to our ‘middle woman’, Shelley Morris (CEO of the Cridge Centre for the Family). An important part of this tradition is to remain anonymous. The boys and I enjoy doing it so we doubled our fun this year with a second family.  Having said that… I really missed doing the letter. My daughter, Dale suggested that I write it anyway and post it on Facebook and email it to others. So here it is!

Sam and Greyson…There is no keeping up with these two boys. They are growing by leaps and bounds.  They have both completed their first leg of gymnastics and absolutely loved it. They also did their first level in Pedalheads, a bike safety camp, and are looking forward to attending the next level during the summer of 2013.  The boys have this love/hate relationship. They hate to be away from one another for more than a day but when they get together they erupt into brother-like behaviour… sometimes hugging and kissing each other and sometimes trying to show the other who is the boss! They DO love to team up in the ‘mischief’ department too and I have to admit that when they do we are powerless!!!

Sam (6) turns 7 in January, comes to my shoulders and is in Grade one. He loves school and is in a Grade One / Two split and constantly wants to learn more. He is learning things that I can’t even tell you when I first heard of them, but I know it wasn’t when I was six. For example, one night he stayed over. When I tucked him into bed he asked if we could have a chat.  I said sure and asked what he wanted to chat about. He said Disneyland which is an annual trip we take. We were not able to go this year due to Lyle’s health. I asked, “Is Disneyland your favorite place to go because you sure want to talk about it lately?” He replied, “Well it is for now. But I haven’t been to the Taj Mahal, Temples of Giza or Mount Rushmore yet.” I think he is going to be a traveller. This picture is Sam with the gingerbread house he built this Christmas.  Sam is enjoying Christmas with his mom and dad at Kelly’s parents’ home in Vancouver. He called today to say he got a microscope and is very excited about the creepy sounding specimens that came in the kit!

 Greyson (5) celebrated his birthday in July. He started Kindergarten in September and has delighted his teachers with his sense of humour and zest for life. He too is going to surpass Grandma in height very soon! We have especially loved his penchant for caring for his schoolmates and ensuring they are going to be okay. He has one school mate, Vivian, who is allergic to nuts. He is extremely diligent in questioning Dale about his lunches and snacks as to whether there is ANY hint of nuts in the product. He even goes as far as asking for his peanut butter toast before changing from pajamas into his school uniform so that no traces of nuts get on his clothes. 

He never forgets about her. For example, since the girls were tiny and now with the boys, I sing this song when they eat peanut butter:

Peanut butter, peanut butter

It’s good for your sister and it’s good for your brother,

The only thing about peanut butter…

Is you gotta unstick it one way or the other …

(at this point you put your finger inside your cheek and make a popping sound).

 

One day as I sang it for Greyson while he ate his peanut butter sandwich, when I got to the line… The only thing about peanut butter is… he interrupted me and sang without missing a beat… “It isn’t good for Vivian!” This picture is of Greyson with the gingerbread house he built this year. He usually does a gingerbread train; however, this year he wanted to be like his cousin and do a house.  Greyson went to Vancouver with his dad for Christmas this year and was excited when he called to tell us about the video game he got.

 Myriah and Kelly…   Myriah and Kelly have been through a lot these past few years. This year Myriah suffered two miscarriages with one being a set of twins. These events were heartbreaking and life-altering all at the same time. Amidst the tears they found strength in one another and as a family. We are ecstatic to announce that Myriah is pregnant again and due on April 26, 2013. There were a few bumps at the beginning and some concerns, but baby and mom are doing well and we are all looking forward to meeting the new addition to our family next spring. Special thanks goes to her doctor for adding a specialized blood test (Russell’s Viper Venom) to a requisition after she lost the twins. It was discovered that she has Hughes Syndrome (blood clotting disorder) and seemingly the reason for the miscarriages. For this pregnancy he put her on Heparin injections daily until about 20 weeks and this averted any problems.  We are all so grateful!   

Myriah continues to work in real estate and Kelly with Coast Capital. Myriah has hung on during the slump and happy to have seen a few sales recently. However, she would be really excited to see things pick up before baby arrives. Kelly has been ‘awing’ the powers-to-be at his job with the work he is doing. He really enjoys working for them and they appreciate having him on their team as well.

 Dale and Shannon… let’s start with Dale. She too has endured significant challenges this year. The foremost being she ended her marriage. Dale and Greyson moved home with us in late October and while it has been a joy for me to have them with us, it wasn’t what she expected to be doing when the year began. It was not an easy decision for her and it has been heartbreaking for everyone involved. Nonetheless, she has been a trooper and doing her best to move forward. The rainbow in all of this is that both Dale and Russ (and the rest of us) have kept the focus on what is best for Greyson. Dale and Russ remain on friendly terms with one another and we are on good terms with Russ too. This has most certainly helped Greyson to adjust to the new living arrangements. He looks forward to spending a few days a week with Russ and as parents they participate in joint events that he would like them to be at.

Dale has officially left real estate and in April began working full-time at Bayshore Home Health. She has worked for them on the side for about five years, so it wasn’t a complete new start for her. She enjoys her job and works with a great team.  We wish her happiness and success in the coming year.  And I want to assure her… she won’t have to live with her mom forever.

Shannon continues to work as a paramedic and live in our suite downstairs. She enjoyed a long vacation in England this year with her mom. She was joined by a girlfriend part way through the trip and enjoyed traveling to Ireland with her as well. Greyson was very excited to hear that she was spending a night in a castle!

Shannon also continues to volunteer with Search and Rescue. Unfortunately a training exercise resulted in her injuring a finger quite extensively and she was off work for several months. It wasn’t exactly what she needed given the trip she had planned but it did take a long time to heal.  She loves her job as a paramedic, but this too has posed its challenges due to the political landscape in BC. Like others though, she does her job with pride and keeps her focus on patient care. Shannon’s life is very busy and it’s funny how we all live in the same house and can go days (weeks even!) without seeing one another… do I sound like a complaining (stand-in) mom???

  Lyle has quite literally been the star around here this year. I say that with the utmost respect and love. In November 2011, he was diagnosed with End Stage Liver Disease. They told me in early December last year that we had weeks or months with him.  Here we are a full year later (triple rainbows)! We are unsure at this time if a transplant is in the future for him; there are problems that pose increased risk for a transplant so at this time it’s a ‘wait and see’ life. The main problem is he has continuous blood loss from oozing vessels in the stomach and a polyp that is sitting on a main artery going into the small intestine. Again there are medical reasons why they can’t just go in a fix these problems so the decision has been to support him through iron infusions and blood transfusions as needed.  He is not able to work but helps out with the less demanding chores at home when he feels well enough to do so. Recently he was hospitalized because he developed diabetes. He is now insulin dependent with two injections per day. He has adapted quite well to the new medical regime but struggles with achy joints and fatigue due to the medications and anemia. Every day is a blessing and all we can do is take things one day at a time. Another rainbow, or should I say the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, is the incredible team of doctors he is under the care of. He has his regular doctor and a team of specialists who really are special. Every trip to the hospital and every stay in the hospital we have been amazed at the wonderful care he receives. All I can say about our medical services is that when they work… they really work and we are thankful for the care he has received. This picture was taken today (Dec. 25, 2012) at the Chinese restaurant where we went for lunch with Shannon and Dale (their picture above was taken there too). We are not celebrating Christmas until December 30^th when everyone is back at home.  It was a first for us to go to a restaurant but we had a great time and the food was delicious!  On December 26^th, Lyle and I celebrate 20 years of marriage!

 We have been truly blessed with the support of family and friends this year. I couldn’t ask for better people or a better place to contract with (Geoff and Shelley at The Cridge Centre for the Family) and Mike and Mary Lou Rossiter (Headline) who cut me EXTENSIVE slack through this roller coaster of a year. I would really like to say thank you to each of our friends and family members who have supported us. I won’t even dare to try to start naming people because I will surely dash my intention of acknowledging everyone by forgetting someone! But thank you to each of you… we couldn’t have made it without you.

 

Me… well, this is a year of lessons for me. I have had to learn to let go of people and things who/which no longer serve me in my life. It wasn’t easy but sometimes you just can’t fix things. I have learned to take things one day at a time and to not strap myself with the ‘I should do this or I should do that’ because for the most part I’ve been too exhausted to keep up with the pace I established for myself many years ago. I did my best to keep writing my blog and working on my book but by the end of March, I literally hit the wall. Of course, because my work as a counsellor is in grief and loss and all that I write about is grief and loss, I eventually came to the point in the road that I had to step away from the writing. This isn’t easy for me and for the most part, disappointing. But even I knew that I couldn’t walk the path of grief in real time and write about it simultaneously. I am now beginning to dabble in the writing side again and feel a tug to get back at it. My hope is 2013 will allow for some of that to come to the forefront in my life again. I did indulge myself with taking cake decorating courses as they are held literally three minutes from our home. I did quite well and look forward to dazzling others with my creations!

For the most part, I have been well. However, I have had significant flare-ups with osteoarthritis and psoriatic arthritis due to stress. I had one injection in November that lasted for one month – it should have lasted for three months. I felt the best that I had since Lyle became ill. Weekly injections may be in the near future for me but I am going to try a few other things first like cutting out dairy and wheat.

And Dorothy… this has been a rough year for Dorothy. She was hospitalized last winter and twice this year. She fell in the facility where she lives and broke her wrist.  She needed to have the wrist set twice and was in a cast for 6 weeks. The doctor didn’t want to do surgery and he said she will always have trouble because the bones didn’t line up as well as they had wanted. It certainly bothers her and she wears a brace. The Alzheimer’s has advanced significantly and her health is slowly declining. I don’t bring her home anymore because getting her up our flight of stairs is too difficult and she gets quite nervous being away from home. We saw her today and although she recognized us, she had no idea it was Christmas (even though she was opening a gift from us) and it took only minutes before she wanted to go back to bed for a sleep. Her heart is weak and overall she is just tired. She is now 86 years old.  This picture was taken of Dorothy last Christmas – she is thinner and frail now.

Danny (Gerry’s brother) continues to live in Myriah and Kelly’s basement suite. He is working at Thrifty’s and enjoying the team there. Danny attended the Breese-Simon reunion this past summer and seemed to enjoy catching up with his cousins and aunts and uncles.

 He is also in Vancouver this Christmas but will be celebrating with us on the 30^th.

 

 

 

Our loving prayers from our house to yours…

We wish you and your family a very special and happy holiday season.  Take care of yourselves and your loved ones.   We wish you a bright and cheery New Year and many blessings between this Christmas and the next.  God Bless.

 

With Love,
Lyle, Janelle and Family!

Facing the Holidays In Spite of Loss

 

Facing the Holidays in Spite of Loss

Facing the holidays after the death of a loved one is incredibly challenging. When our day-to-day life becomes fraught with sadness, endless tears, and a yearning to hear the sound of their voice one more time, it is rather daunting to imagine how to take part in the festivities.

Taking it one step further, consider the families who lose a loved one during the holiday season. As we all know the day that a loved one dies etches a scar on our heart and that date forever more becomes the “line in the sand” that took us from the life we knew to a life we no longer recognize – or necessarily want! It is unthinkable and unexplainable when something awful happens to someone we love at such a wonderful time of year.

My grandmother died the week before Christmas. My mother’s second husband died only days before Christmas. I know different people who have lost loved ones on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. Others experienced the death of a loved one between Christmas and New Year’s. And others have endured loss on their birthday, wedding anniversary or soon after a baby was born. It’s very difficult to embrace these holidays in the future when the anniversary of a death is hovering.

A death anytime of the year can also impact one’s penchant for putting on the glitz and celebrating. The last time I saw my father was on December25, 1985. He died the following July, so Christmas 1986 was not something that I looked forward to. My brother (39 years old) died in March 1989 and my husband (37 years old) in October 1990. These were two young men who left behind young families. The first Christmas without them was heartbreaking. So was the first birthday after each of their deaths, the first Father’s Day, and the first time one of their children did something without them there to see or be a part of it (e.g. graduation, marriage). Essentially every day without them has been a first and life has continued to unfold for all of us regardless of them not being here.

Common responses after a loved one dies with respect to celebrations may include, “I’m never going to celebrate my birthday again” or “Christmas is meaningless now so why bother?” These  feelings are real and understandable; however, my hope is that as people do the work of mourning they will come to see that in stopping themselves from enjoying life only keeps them stuck in their sorrow… it doesn’t bring the person back and it doesn’t keep you from remembering that they are gone. It only keeps you from experiencing joy again.

In my healing, I came to accept that my grandparents, father, mother, brother, and husband all lived until the moment they died. They lived… really lived. I learned that we don’t get to choose when people will die, how old they will be when they die, how they will die or where we will be at in the journey of life with them when they die. We only get to choose to survive. Moreover, I had to ask myself, “Would my (mom, dad, brother, husband, grandmother, grandfather, friend) want me to stop living because they died?” “Would they want me to be sad and unhappy forever?” I can’t imagine they would have.

If you are among the millions who have experienced the death of a loved and are feeling apprehensive about the upcoming holiday do this: Take time to remember your loved one and the love you have for them. Reach out to others who shared the experience with you... hug each other, say their name (often!) and appreciate that you have the comfort of one another and precious memories to carry you through.

Make a point this year of connecting with others who are vibrant and joyous. Find a reason to smile and love… do it in your loved one's honour and do it for you.

Walking with Angels in a Fog

It’s been months since I wrote a blog. You may have wondered where I’ve been. If it’s any consolation, I have wondered where I am too! I say that with great sincerity. When we started 2012, I wrote that it was the first time ever that I began the year with no goals or real plans. We are nine months in and I still feel the same way and now we are into the final quarter – oh my!

2012 has been a year of transformation for so many people in my life. I lost count of the friends who died… I think the last number was eight. Some I had contact with - others not for a while. All left good memories behind for me to enjoy.

My husband’s health continues to hang in the balance, which is probably why I feel like I am living in “no man’s land.” The doctors are sure about what the issues are, but not so sure about what to do or if they can do anything.  It continues to be a regime of blood transfusions and iron infusions as he needs them. He has good days and bad days. He putters around when he feels up to it and rests when he doesn’t. We have not traveled and have no plans to do so – at this point, it’s just not wise.

As for me, I feel like the year is one big foggy patch. Everything looks one way but as we move forward it is something else entirely. I can’t see too far in front of me and I am reluctant to make too many plans. So far, almost all the plans that I did make have been changed. Flexibility and detachment to outcome are key in my life right now.

My book Life Losses: Healing for a Broken Heart has been untouched for months. It’s not screaming at me to do anything… it’s just there, more of a disappointment to me than anything. It’s been a burning desire for 15 years to write this book and today… I cannot bring myself to delve into the work of editing or marketing it. There is no pressure to complete it – it is my own sense of purpose, believing that this message is what I came here to give. It may be the book is not complete…. Just sayin’!

I continue to ‘walk with angels’ as I call it. Most days are with Archangel Michael. He offers courage and strength and protection. I also walk with Gabriel, who is the Messenger of God. I pray to Gabriel for healing and guidance. Archangel Azrael is also a favorite walking companion. Azrael is the Angel of Death, who not only brings comfort to the dying but also offers guidance to grief counsellors. I am still providing counselling to families and survivors coping with the outcome of brain injury so I needed the added help to separate my situation from theirs.

It was my birthday yesterday and a day for reflection. So much of where I believed I was headed has changed. And honestly, like walking in a fog, I can’t see the forest for the trees. I don’t say that in a ‘woe is me’ frame of mind, it’s just acknowledging that I don’t think I am supposed to see where I am headed right now. It’s not Eat, Pray, Love for me… it’s Breath, Walk, Trust… what should be revealed - will be revealed… in God’s time, not mine.

Peace and light.

 

Connection not Perfection

When life becomes difficult, we crave for the way it used to be. We desperately want to go back to what we know, what worked, what was comfortable, and that which brought us joy and happiness. There isn’t anything wrong with this thinking. It’s pretty normal. The problem is that in an attempt to recreate those feelings, no matter how hard we try, we can’t get back there. Why? Because our perception of what was and expectation of what should be, is often skewed.  

Think about planning a wedding, or your child’s first birthday, or a dream vacation… subconsciously we want it to go off perfectly and without a hitch. The same skewed thinking happens when we recall events. Sometimes our memory of what took place is better than it actually was. So you see the expectations of what should be may be unrealistic and/or the perception of events or relationships in the past may be more glamorous than they really were. Perfection doesn’t exist.

Some of the families that I have had the privilege of working with are struggling to get back to where they were before one of them was injured. Their perception is that the ‘old life’ was perfect. It wasn’t. They expect that if they just work hard, and harder, they can recreate it. They can’t. The experience alone has changed all of them. Add cognitive and/or physical challenges to the mix and it’s a given they won’t get back to exactly who they were as a family. That isn’t to say it can’t or won’t be good or great again, it just won’t be the same as it was.

Tragedy, catastrophic injury, and chronic illness are some of the reasons that a family undergoes significant change. Other causes include addictions, financial stresses, and more. In all instances, the family members may lose their connection to one another. The demands and burdens these changes bring to a family interrupts how they function as a unit and therefore, relate to one another.  

Working through significant issues with a trained professional is often beneficial in helping families to reconnect. However, using a mindful approach to reconnect in day-to-day interactions with one another is also helpful. Rather than striving to reach perfection in planning an event or in recreating past feelings, strive for connection. Make the focus on connecting with each other and enjoying being together. Create memories and don’t focus on the past. If the desire is to move forward then remember and enjoy the past – just don’t live in it.

To My Brother, Brian

Why do weekend mornings and coffee go together so well? It’s like a little piece of heaven to slow things down and enjoy some time to relax with a good cup of coffee, a good book, or good company. It’s something that we take for granted; however, when life has been turned upside down and is fraught with worry or sorrow, it is these simple pleasures that we miss the most.

When a loved one has passed or a family member is chronically ill and the day seems to pull you in so many directions, life becomes pure chaos. Nothing makes sense. It’s difficult to remember why you walked into a room. You may be thinking you are having a good day and suddenly, something skips through your mind (a song, a smell, a picture) and you unleash a bucket of tears. Are you crazy? Not at all! The grief journey is hard. It’s a long road and the sadness of losing a loved one creeps into your day throughout the remainder of your life.

My brother, Brian died on March 10, 1989. My last memory of him and I doing something together was the month before he died. We sat in my kitchen on a Sunday morning having coffee. Simple, sweet, quiet… just me and him exchanging stories about our life, sharing thoughts on the lessons we learned and just being a brother and sister. Precious time I will forever treasure. I thank him for bringing me this memory as I sit here quietly enjoying a lovely cup of coffee.

The End of the Rainbow

A while ago, when driving with my eldest daughter, we were in awe of a rainbow that was before us. As we drove closer towards the intersection, we were amazed to see that the end of the rainbow was appearing right before our very eyes. The beautiful colours pooled together to sit on a vacant lot slated for construction. It was rather unappealing… construction fence, rocks, debris and dirt! How disappointing! No magical shamrocks floating in the air, no tiny men in little green suits dancing about, and certainly no pot of gold to be found… just a desolate looking piece of ground.

Last week, both daughters joined me for lunch and a pedicure. Our first real ‘girl day’ in a long time and somehow the topic of this rainbow came up. My eldest daughter, Myriah, giggled her way through the story telling her sister how finding the end of the rainbow and it not being a pretty sight, could only happen to us. Dale, my younger daughter, was quick to respond, “Maybe it wasn’t the end of the rainbow. Maybe that was the beginning and it isn’t supposed to be magical.” All three of us had an ‘aha’… yeah, maybe it wasn’t the end that we found, it was just the beginning.

What Dale’s response reminded me of is that everything ‘is a matter of perspective.’ It’s the half empty – half full thing. We can look at life and think that what is going on is unfair. Or we can look at the situation and ask, “What am I to learn from this? What is the gift in this experience?” Oh I know, at the time, some of our experiences are more like torture and don’t look anything like a present wrapped in pretty paper and bows. I have had those experiences too, but when I do the work of healing my broken heart, I do find a gift in the experience. Sometimes it’s my own strength, my resourcefulness, my determination to survive, or the incredible amount of love given freely to me by family and friends.

So yes, I still believe in the magic at the end of the rainbow for I know that what I see is truly dependant on my interpretation.

God's Tree

Many years ago, I attended a certification course in Colorado, which was held at a retreat center. As part of our training we had to spend one day in silence… from the time we went to bed until 3 pm the following day; about 15 hours. During the time of silence, we were not allowed to utter a word… not even a ‘good morning’ to the other participants. It sounds easy, but it was truly difficult.

During the silence we were to walk the grounds, reflect, or sit in prayer or contemplation… anything as long as we did not speak.  Also as part of the assignment, we were required to write something about our experience. I kept trying to come up with some kind of ‘aha’ and try as I might, I kept drawing a blank. Until just before we came together to break the silence, that is. As I wandered the grounds looking at the magnificent evergreens, it struck me why we use the type of tree that we do for a Christmas tree. I am certainly not a poet, but the following is what I wrote.

GOD’S TREE

by Janelle Breese-Biagioni

If I could be a tree...

which would I choose to be?

Would it be the mighty oak?

Strong, full of presence, capable of any task

Shedding autumn leaves, renewing in spring

Casting shade and shelter only to risk being split by unprovoked lightening

I think not.

Should I be a flowering shrub?

Petite, fragrant and full of colour

One who decorates and is adorned

My survival at the mercy of the caretaker’s hand

I think not.

Perhaps, I should be a monkey tree?

Needly branches curving upwards

like the spider monkey’s tail

Curious in design, a constant challenge for those who dare to climb

I think not.

What about the willow?

Bending softly, weeping eternally

Dancing leaves, sweeping the grass

Beautiful to see, fragile in essence

Scattered roots tangled in a mesh

I think not.

There is the ponderosa pine?

Tall, think, covering great distances

Dropping needles and pine cones to hide the ground

Unbalanced, bare on one side, not easy to climb

or worse, dead at the base before anyone reaches the top

I think not.

I think I shall be the evergreen spruce

Rich in colour, steady, never changing

Sometimes alone, sometimes in threes

Shining lights on Christ’s birthday

My base shall be full

extending to support those in need.

My branches shall rise,

spiraling from one level to the next

Circling, circling, reaching the top

creating a cradle for the Christmas Angel

Turning, spinning into one perfect branch

Uplifting, lifting, reaching for God.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.

           

I don't remember when I first heard Dr. Wolfelt speak, but it was in Vancouver and I was hooked! I was amazed that this man was traveling the world teaching all that I had instinctively done to cope with loss.

A few years later, I began studying with Dr. Wolfelt at The Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. In 2003, I graduated from his program with a Certificate in Death and Grief Studies. It was Dr. Wolfelt's teaching and encouragement that spurred me on to further my education and become a Registered Professional Counsellor. 
Thank you, Dr. Wolfelt.

   The Mourner's Code by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D.

 Ø  You have the right to experience your own unique grief

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

Ø  You have the right to talk about your grief

Talking about your grief will help you heal.  Seek out others who will allow you talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.  If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

Ø  You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions

Confusion, numbness, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey.  Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong.  Don’t’ take these judgmental responses to heart.  Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

Ø  You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued.  Respect what your body and mind are telling you.  Get daily rest.  Eat balance meals.  And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

Ø  You have the right to experience ‘griefbursts’

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you.  This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural.  Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

Ø  You have the right to make use of ritual

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved.  It helps provide you with the support of caring people.  More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn.  If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

Ø  You have the right to embrace your spirituality

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.  Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs.  If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

Ø  You have the right to search for meaning

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?”  Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not.  And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you.  Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

Ø  You have the right to treasure your memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone you loved.  You will always remember.  Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

Ø  You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly.  Remember, grief is a process, not an event.  Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you.  Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Littlefoot Loses His Mom

I took my grandsons to see the classic children’s film, The Land Before Time. This heartwarming tale of baby orphaned dinosaurs teaches many life lessons in its 69 minutes.

Littlefoot loses his mother following a battle with a Tyrannosaurus during the great earthshake. There were four important scenes for me that beautifully depicted the sorrow of losing a loved one and the grief journey we endure as a result.

The first was Littlefoot’s mother explaining to him that she was dying but she would always be with him even though he won’t be able to see her. He asks, “What do you mean? I can always see you.” She tells him to let his heart guide him as he journeys to the Great Valley to reunite with his grandparents.

In another scene, Littlefoot feels immense sadness and even anger. He meets up with an older dinosaur and tells him that his mother died in a fight and he is angry that she took on a Tyrannosaurus… What was she thinking? Then he shifts to guilt… “I shouldn’t have wandered so far from home.”

In the picture shown here, Littlefoot has lost his desire and passion to search for the Great Valley. He is lethargic and dismisses any signs of hunger. Here he doesn’t even acknowledge the food brought to him by his new friend, Petrie.

The scene that gripped my heart the most was when Littlefoot sees his shadow, which is larger than life in the distance on a rock bluff, and he thinks it is his mommy. He calls her and runs to her. The closer he gets, the smaller the image becomes. As he jumps up and licks the image, which is now his size, he realizes that it is only his shadow. My heart broke for this little cartoon character, knowing that we all long to see our loved ones again and it’s common to be caught unaware and think we may even see them in a crowd after they have died. Logically we know it can’t be real, but our heart refuses to follow logic… it simply skips a beat (or many) and leaves us yearning and wishing that it were possible.

Littlefoot bands together with four other orphans along the way as he searches for his extended family. These little creatures are from different species and would not be allowed to associate with one another, let alone travel together, had the great earthshake not happened. But they put aside the prejudices they were taught to stick together. They fight famine and danger and beat all odds, eventually coming to the area of prehistoric Earth (Great Valley) which was spared from the big disaster. Littlefoot learns to follow his heart and look to his mother’s spirit as she guides him, just as she promised. He is reunited with his grandparents.

As we left the theatre and walked to the car, I chatted with my grandchildren about the great lessons of life that this film taught. It wasn’t lengthy. I kept it brief and talked about how our loved ones are always in our hearts even though we can no longer see them and that one day… no matter how long it takes… we will all meet up together in the lush, beautiful and carefree, Great Valley.