Memory Garden

Much like a memory collage, my belief is that a memory garden serves to facilitate a way for family and friends to enjoy memories of their loved one. A memory garden is a place of healing. It allows one to suspend life and to walk or sit in solitude while reflecting on the person who has died and/or the meaning of life.

Beautiful plants, rich in fragrance and colour hold a magical power to soothe the body, mind and spirit. Small birds, butterflies, a babbling brook or water fountain also add to the calming effects and reverence that a garden can hold. For me, from the birthing of spring to the ending in winter, a garden represents the cycle of life.

It is my dream to open a retreat centre for those living with loss to visit for rest, reflection and support. Part of the ambience will include a memory garden with beautiful seasonal flowers and winter-hardy plants for year-round use. People will be invited to plant flowers, trees and shrubs in memory of the person they have lost.

Photo Credit: Simon Howden
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Death of a Leader

The recent death of NDP leader Jack Layton has devastated Canadians. Regardless of one’s political affiliation, Layton deserves recognition for the accomplishments in his career, which spanned 3 decades. Much like Diana, who was known as ‘the people’s princess’, Layton was considered to be ‘the people’s politician’.  A dedicated family man and proud Canadian, Mr. Layton believed in his fellow Canadians and he devoted his efforts to building a better, fairer Canada to benefit all.

Icons, from politicians to princesses, have captured our hearts and brought hope to the world stage by giving voice to the people. When a leader dies, although we may not have ever met them, we experience sadness and sorrow. Much like when a celebrity dies (e.g. Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson), as the years pass, we will remember the day and exactly what we were doing when their death was announced.

The sorrow expressed by the people when a leader dies is normal. As in Mr. Layton’s death, we recognize a life ended far too soon. But some also feel their voice, and perhaps hope for their country has been silenced. The wonderful thing is that leaders, such as Jack Layton and Martin Luther King, inspire others… and others will now take a stand and work towards making a better country for their fellow man, because of what they learned and witnessed from the leader they respected. His work will be carried on.

Mr. Layton made a difference in this country and he will never be forgotten. True to his nature of caring for others, at a very private time when his days with his family were limited, Layton wrote a letter to Canadians. Below is an excerpt to comfort and inspire us all:

“… And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change. In the months and years to come, New Democrats will put a compelling new alternative to you. My colleagues in our party are an impressive, committed team. Give them a careful hearing; consider the alternatives; and consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”

Helplessness

A significant loss can leave us feeling helpless and powerless. It means that the person feels they cannot defend his or herself or they can’t take any action. It’s an awful feeling, but it’s a common feeling following loss.

You do feel as though life is out of control. That’s because it is. Often what happened is beyond the person’s control and really without choice or negotiation. Even when I have had preparation that a loved one was going to die, I felt helpless and powerless when it happened.

After suffering a loss, your footing in this world and the very foundation that your life was built on may seem to have shifted. Nothing feels safe or secure anymore. The more you try to fight it, the more exhausting it becomes. You may feel as though you have been thrust into 'an ocean of emotion' without a life preserver.

Individuals experiencing a sense of helplessness due to loss will benefit from sharing their feelings with a person who understands. The bereaved can’t be rushed through the process… it’s a process, not an event and therefore, it takes time. I have said this before... time doesn't heal all but what we do with the time heals us... so speaking with someone you trust and who understands the unpredictable journey you are traveling will help you to get that sure footing again. They won't judge or rush you.

Be gentle with yourself or others who are traveling this journey. It is long and arduous. Helplessness and powerlessness are some of the bridges to cross.

Crying

A song can make a person cry. A picture can make a person cry. Pain makes people cry. And the sorrow of losing a loved one has the power to not only make you cry… it can bring you to your knees.

It’s very common for people to burst into tears when they get the news of a loved one’s death. It’s also common for some to go into shock and to not cry right away. Sometimes one person will never shed a tear over the loss while another in the family is inconsolable.

We have come a long way over the years in accepting people’s tears. It is still more acceptable to see children and women cry… not so much for men. But we are getting better at accepting that men may experience some of the same responses a woman does. And it is okay if they cry. 

When a person has suffered a significant loss, sometimes crying is all they can do. I remember when my brother died and when my husband died… I thought there were days that I cried so hard, I would turn myself inside out! But during those times, I could not possibly put into words the depths of my sorrow. Crying provided an outlet for me. It released stress, tension and gave me a way to express my sadness and sorrow. In those moments (or hours and sometimes days) crying was very healing.

When a person shares their tears with you, understand that they may not be able to put into words how they are feeling. Refrain from saying things like, “What’s wrong?” “Why are you crying?” “Don’t cry.” “It will be okay.” “Crying won’t do any good.” These are not helpful. Instead just be there for them. Gently place a hand on their arm or shoulder to ground them and to convey to them that you are there and they are safe.

Here is something that I know for certain… no one has ever died from crying… but people have died from a broken heart.

Mystical Experiences

In the blog on dreams, I mentioned that sometimes people feel their loved one has communicated with them in a dream. The dream can be so real that when they awaken it is difficult to tell if the conversation took place or not. People may also see a vision of their deceased loved one, or have something take place (i.e. flower blooms in the middle of winter) and take this as a sign from their loved one to say they are okay. These are mystical experiences. Not everyone will understand these experiences so you may want to ensure that the people you share this with will not judge you.

I have had several experiences like this. The most profound for me was a dream that I had about my brother. He died in March 1989, and I had this dream in September 1990. In the dream, I was walking down the street and my brother was walking towards me. He looked well and just as I had remembered him. He was wearing blue jeans, a blue plaid short-sleeved shirt, a navy blue sleeveless vest, his brown hush puppy shoes, and a cigarette in hand. I knew he was dead. We walked passed one another and then I stopped, turned around and called to him, “Brian…” He turned and said, “What?” I replied, “Are you going to tell me what is going to happen?” He said, “No. Janelle, if I told you what was going to happen, you would have to come and sit with God and the angels too. What I can tell you is that you will be just fine.” And he walked away. When I woke up, I knew the dream was ominous. I went to see my mother and told her what happened and I said that in my heart, I knew he was preparing me for my husband’s death.

There was no reason to believe that Gerry would die. He was 5 months post-injury and by all accounts, the doctors felt he was doing okay… they didn’t think he would get any better, but they didn’t anticipate further complications. In my gut though, I knew something wasn’t right. Three weeks after I had the dream, he died of a massive heart attack at home. This was completely unexpected.

Have you had a mystical experience? Were you able to share it with someone?

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Dreams

It is not unusual to have vivid dreams of your loved one after they die. The dreams may be different each time, or you may experience one that repeats itself over and over. In our dream state, the work of mourning can be facilitated as often the dreams may be a way to help reconcile and acknowledge the reality of your loved one’s death.

Dreams may also be a way of confronting our feelings at the very deepest level. For example, I had a reoccurring dream for over a year after my husband died. It was always the same thing happening… he would phone me and tell me that our marriage was over. In the dream, I would plead with him to stay… beg for him to tell me why… how could it be so easy to walk away from me and our children? Eventually, I was confronted with my feelings and realized that the sense of rejection and abandonment that I felt was so overwhelming that I felt powerless. When I was able to understand the emotions and feelings that I had, then I was able to work on them. It wasn’t easy but I finally had a place to start.

Sometimes people feel their loved one has communicated with them in the dream.  The dreams can be so real that when you awaken you may wonder if the conversation really did take place. These are very mystical type of experiences and not everyone will understand if they have not personally experienced something like it.

A person may have reoccurring nightmares, especially after a traumatic, violent death. This too is ‘normal’ albeit very frightening. It is wise for the person experiencing these kinds of dreams to speak with a person who can provide support, guidance and understanding.

Remember that nobody can interpret your dream better than you can. Dreams are fascinating and I have learned over the years that they may not mean the obvious. It is worthwhile to record your dreams and spend time reflecting on them to determine a pattern or underlying message.

To record your dreams try the following:

·         Keep pen and paper or a journal by your bed

·         Record the date

·         When you wake up, record whatever it is that you remember… colours, conversations, people, a feeling, or anything else that comes to mind

·         Don’t over analyze… just write it down

·         If you feel you want to write about the dream more fully do so, or put it aside until you are able to explore it more without any interruptions

·         If you don’t think that you dream or you can’t possibly remember, try the steps above and you will see that over time you can remember more and more dreams

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Time Distortion

You know how when you are on holidays you lose track of time and perhaps go about your day aimlessly not checking the calendar or even your watch? That happens when you are grieving too. The downside is that your sense of time and space are not distorted because you are relaxing and having fun. Instead, it feels like you are going crazy!

Not remembering what day of the week it is, what time of day it is or if an event happened recently, are all common experiences following the loss of a loved one. Your mind has shut down from the stress and the mundane day-to-day things just get lost in the shuffle. Be patient with yourself. Like so many other emotions you can experience on this journey, the distortion of time is temporary.

Time will march on and moment by moment you will get stronger and stronger. One day you will be completely caught off-guard because you will realize that your every thought is no longer consumed with what has happened. This too is normal and a part of the process.

Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono
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