Loss of Intimacy When Grieving

It is not uncommon for couples to experience a loss of intimacy when grieving the loss of a loved one. There are several factors for this:

·         The relationship each person had with the deceased. Was this their child? A parent? An in-law? A close friend of one of the partners?

·         Spiritual/ religious beliefs – it’s normal to search for meaning after a loss and this could include exploring/re-evaluating our beliefs. As each partner in the relationship moves through the process, if they have strong and shared beliefs, they may be at odds with one another should one of them question or doubt their religious beliefs and the other one doesn’t.

·         What was the relationship like with the person who died? Was it close? Fragmented? Were there unresolved issues between the deceased and one or both partners? And of course, if this is the loss of a child, the sorrow is profound for both parents.

·         What are the coping skills of each person to work through the process of loss? Remember, we tend to grieve and mourn the way our parents and grandparents did. If they way they handled a loss was not effective, then it likely won’t be effective for you to do it that way either. The blessing is that we get to choose for ourselves now… if you need to do things differently than the way your parents and grandparents did, then do so.

The obvious, but often overlooked issue is that men and women think and feel differently about intimacy and sex. This was a startling reality for me after my brother-in-law was murdered. My husband and I had to leave our infant daughter with my parents and traveled over 400 miles to his funeral. The morning of his funeral, my husband woke up in the hotel with one thing on his mind… sex. For him it was a way of coping and in part, he saw this as a ‘time away’ without a baby that allowed for us to share some intimacy. For me… sex was the last thing on my mind and I struggled to understand how he had any desire when we were hours away from burying his younger brother. Did I ever figure it out? No. I struggled to understand for a long time how men and women could be so different at a time like that and as time passed, I learned of other couples who had suffered a loss and shared a similar intimacy experience.

Intimacy between partners is normal and vital to a relationship. A significant loss in one’s life tends to dismantle our ability to function day-to-day, and intimacy is one of the areas that can be affected. At some point however, a couple will need to reintegrate intimacy into their relationship. Here are some suggestions that may be of help:

1.    Keep in mind that men and women respond to life situations differently. A woman may completely shut off any need for physical contact and a man may not. This can be the reverse as well.

2.    Loss immerses a person into an incredible amount of stress. When this happens, we can be short with others in our life and become negative about all the little things that really bother us. These negative thoughts can become negative statements and result in chipping away at the relationship.

3.    When the loss is shared, each person experiences the loss differently and expresses their sorrow differently. Given that in a relationship, a couple is the main source of support for one another, it may be difficult to be supportive or nurturing to the other person when you have nothing to give.

4.    It’s important to recognize that each of you (if the loss is shared) or one of you (if the loss is of importance to only one partner) may not be functioning in the same way that you had prior to the loss. Life is may filled with chaos. The person may not be sleeping or eating well and this affects their well-being too and their ability to respond to the needs of another.

5.    Allow some space in the relationship in the early days of grief; however, maintain some tenderness and affection without pressuring the other person to engage in sex.

6.    Maintain communication with one another and allow each of you to express your feelings without judging.

7.    Focus on positive thoughts for the other person. Even if you choose one small thing that helps you to remember why you fell in love with them will help to ease the tension and bring you closer together.

8.    Understand that you are not alone and this is not uncommon. Seek professional help to open the lines of communication and/or to re-establish intimacy if necessary.

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Drugs and Alcohol Increase Suffering After Loss

Following a funeral or celebration of life, people often gather to share food and drink, which can include alcohol. It’s a tricky thing to do when emotions are running high and /or people have not been sleeping well and are out of routine. It’s always better to err on the side of caution when consuming alcohol during a fragile state. Monitor how much alcohol is being served and ensure people are not driving when they leave the gathering.

Even more dangerous is the ongoing use of drugs and alcohol to numb one’s suffering. As the time passes, a person displaying this behaviour will begin to use chemicals and/or drink more and more each day. This can lead to out of control behaviour, destroying relationships personally and professionally, and major mental and physical health issues. If you are receiving feedback from loved ones that you are consuming too much or that they are aware of drug use, it’s important for you to receive some help. If a family member or friend is struggling to support an individual with this issue, they need to seek help as well.

In avoiding the work of grieving and mourning by attempting to mask feelings of loss, I assure you that the issue will NOT go away. It will do you and others in your life far more harm.

For support or information drugs and alcohol use, Narcotics Anonymous www.na.org, Alcoholics Anonymous www.aa.org or Al-Anon at www.al-anon.org.

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Minimizing Grief is like a Spinning a Spider's Web

“I’m fine.” “Everything is back to normal.” “I was down for a day or two, but it passed.” These statements are used by someone who is denying their pain or sorrow. They are pushing away their grief with the intent that if they don’t make a big deal out of it, it will all go away. Wrong. Minimizing your grief is really pretending that nothing bothers you about someone who left you or died. Much like a spider’s web, this dangerous behaviour can go unnoticed for a while and then suddenly you find yourself wrapped up in the middle of it with no way out.

I was guilty of this when my brother, Brian died. We were very close and his death was devastating to me as it was for others, especially his wife and three children. Because he had a family and because my mom was still alive, I did everything I could to minimize how I felt. It just didn’t seem right for me to call attention to myself… after all his family and mother were suffering terribly. In my mind… I was only his little sister.

What happened to me happens to many individuals who attempt to deflect their pain. My body forced me to stop and pay attention. Within months of his death, I developed a large mass on an ovary and was hospitalized for emergency surgery. In the hospital I contracted a brutal pneumonia that kept me flat on my back for weeks. Well, what do you think happens when you are forced to stay put for days on end? That’s right, you think.

All of my grief pushed forward in those weeks. It was like a dam broke and I was floundering in an ocean of emotion. There was no escaping my broken heart then. In order to survive, I had to do the work of grieving and mourning. I learned something valuable from that experience. I learned that we survive much better if we are proactive in our sorrow than if we are forced to be reactive. I am honest when I say that my husband’s unexpected death the next year was far easier for me to cope with. Not because I loved him less, but because I knew that I had to do it differently.

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United States Unemployment could result in Displaced Grief

Earlier this month, the U.S. Department of Labor reported  that 14.0 million Americans are unemployed and the unemployment rate has held at 9.1 percent. Losing a job has tremendous impact on an individual and their family. The added stress of trying to pay rent or a mortgage, pay the monthly bills and feed or clothe children on little or no money is significant. That’s the obvious part. The not so obvious part is that a job loss is a loss and a person will experience real grief.

The added stress and worry of job loss can make a person edgy, distractible, fearful, and depressed. It’s not uncommon for an individual to displace these emotional responses by directing their strong feelings towards other things or people in their life. If you are getting feedback from others that you are acting in a way that projects your unhappiness on them (i.e. blame, sharp tone, impatience, anger etc.) don’t dismiss it, take heed. If not, you may find your relationships begin to suffer and/or come to an end.

Be aware of your feelings and find safe, appropriate ways to express them. Communicate with your spouse or partner about the anxiety you feel because they are probably feeling the same way. Seeking support from someone outside your family (e.g. clergy, trusted friend, colleague, job coach etc.) will also help you to work through these feelings, which are real and normal given the employment circumstances that you are faced with.

As difficult as it may be, try to find something positive to think about every day. The more positive thoughts you have, the more likely you will be to attract positive people into your life.  And with positive people, comes postive opportunities, which translates often into a new job offer.

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Is Your Chronic Pain Actually Somaticized Grief?

The Institute of Medicine recently reported that nearly 1/3 of all Americans (116 million) live with chronic pain. Chronic pain can include joint pain, stomach aches and headaches and the impact it can have on an individual’s day-to-day life cannot be dismissed. Not all chronic pain is related to grieving; however, it does have the ability to present itself in physical discomfort.

Somaticized grief is a clinical term referring to one’s feelings of grief being converted to physical symptoms. Grief can manifest in physical discomforts. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, of the Centre for Loss and Life Transitions teaches that these discomforts can range from minor aches and pains to major chronic pain and ailments that have no organic basis. He also teaches that physical discomfort is a normal response on the grief journey; however, when the symptoms become persistent and intense, the person may be converting their feelings of sorrow to physical ailments. When this happens, they become so consumed with their problems that they are not able to do the work of grieving and mourning. This then becomes a way to avoid their feelings of grief and signals some concern. I don’t want to imply this is intentional, because people are doing the best they can under the circumstances and they may not even be aware of how they are converting their sorrow.

The danger is that if one avoids their grief indefinitely then reconciliation of their loss is impossible and therefore, the journey never ends.

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The Internet and Complicated Grief

What do grief and the internet have in common? For starters, both grief and the internet can be overwhelming. As well, CNN reported there are nearly one trillion pages on the internet. That’s a lot of information presented in a lot of different ways! Grief is like that too… it presents itself in many ways. Every person impacted by loss will have a different experience on the grief journey and for some it may become complicated.

A variety of factors may contribute to complicating a person’s grief. How and when the person died could be a factor. Was it sudden and unexpected? Was it a suicide or murder? The relationship between the person who died and those left behind may also contribute to complicating the journey. Were there unresolved issues? Was the bereaved extremely close to the person, or were they highly dependent on them?

Self-medicating with drugs and alcohol will complicate the journey too, although the person using them may feel it helps to numb or suppress their feelings around the loss. Not only does this complicate the grief journey but it also compromises one’s health.
Grief impacts on us on every level: body, mind and soul. Naturally, the responses we have are varied and can be intense at times. It doesn’t mean that everyone’s experience is complicated or that they need professional help. A measurement to use is if the person’s symptoms are prolonged, excessive or extreme… then seeking guidance from an experienced professional is advised.

Complicated grief presents itself in different forms. In the next few blogs, I will write about some of the ways it can present in those suffering a loss.

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StarTribune reports on Families Postponing Funerals

Postponing grief is not that uncommon. It’s not healthy, in my opinion, but it’s not uncommon. In fact, the StarTribune recently ran an online article about families postponing their loved one’s funeral or memorial service for several reasons. Sometimes it is because they are busy (e.g. vacation planned) or because they want to tie it into a special date for their loved one (i.e. birthday). And sometimes they want to put it off until they feel they can handle it.

Death does not happen at an opportune time – for anyone. Reconciling loss is not easy – it’s hard work. Postponing the grieving process will not make it any easier. I can speak from experience... if you hold your sorrow at bay, when you do unleash the pain, it is like a dam breaking! If the person who suffered the loss is postponing their grief, they are being self-destructive. If others are attempting to postpone a person from grieving they are jeopardizing the person’s well-being.  The unintended consequence is that the grief journey may never end.

Funerals and services serve great purpose in bringing together a support network for the bereaved and allows them a safe, nurturing environment to express their sorrow. By all means, plan a celebration of the person’s life at what would have been their next birthday. Just don’t confuse yourself thinking that waiting several months down the road to acknowledge the loss will be any easier, because I guarantee it won’t.

To read the online article, visit: http://www.startribune.com/local/117558463.html

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Deaths of the Russian Ice Hockey Team

The horrific plane crash of the Russian Ice Hockey team on Wednesday, September 7 claimed 43 lives, which included players and coaches from 10 nations. As reported in the Huffington Post, the Yak-42 aircraft slammed into a riverbank shortly after taking off. As one can imagine, this tragedy will have a tremendous impact in the world of sports and for the families and loved ones of those who died.

The news of the plane crash was recalled intermittently as the world paid tribute to the thousands of innocent people who died in 9/11. These unbelievable losses remind us in a breathtaking way that life is fragile and when those we love die, we face the unpredictable and challenging journey of grieving and mourning.

Feelings of sadness, loneliness, helplessness, and emptiness are common responses to such loss. Individuals experiencing these responses may also experience disturbance in sleep and appetite, withdrawal, guilt, and low energy. While these symptoms are real and common to the responses listed, they are also common symptoms of clinical depression. As mentioned in a previous blog, being sad isn’t the same as being clinically depressed. Detecting depression can be tricky and as I said, it may mirror the same symptoms of the responses a person may have.

If you suffered a loss and feel that your symptoms have escalated where you have become completely immobilized or you are having thoughts of suicide, please reach out to talk with someone. There is no shame in seeking help. In fact, it is the bravest and safest action to take. If you are supporting an individual who is displaying magnified symptoms of grief then encourage them to seek professional support. Speaking with someone who is not immersed in your pain and who is trained in this field, can help you to explore your feelings of sorrow so that you can give expression to those feelings in a safe and meaningful way. In doing so, you will be able to move forward with your life a little at a time.

For more information on the Russian plane crash and the tributes to 9/11 visit these websites:

http://www.911memorial.org/

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2011/09/07/russian-plane-crash-kills_n_952895.html#s352095

http://www.teamradio.ca/news/pavol-demitra-among-43-dead-in-russian-plane-crash/

Sadness

Feeling sad is a normal emotional response following loss. For example, when a loved one dies it’s normal to feel lost, empty and emotionally flat for quite a while. Grief attacks us on all levels: emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, frightening, and unpredictable. A real problem is that others tend to want to rush people through the process and want them be happy and fun to be around again. You can’t rush anyone and you can’t make them get over what has happened. They need to work through it in their own way and in their own time.

Sadness is not the same as being clinically depressed. Meaningful family and friends often confuse the two and insist that if the sadness does not dissipate within a few days then the person is depressed and they need counselling and/or medication. Moreover, they expect the person to just snap out of it. You can’t snap out of it any more than you can just get over it.

Feelings of sadness can linger for weeks or months. A rule of thumb to go by when wondering if the person needs interventions is if they are threatening or doing harm to themselves or others or destroying property. Doing harm to themselves does not only apply to physically harming themselves. If the person is not able to get out of bed and they are sleeping the days away and/or they are not eating this too is harmful, albeit unintentional. Seeking professional help is beneficial in these situations. The bereaved, family and friends should not feel they can address the situation on their own. There is no shame in seeing a professional… nobody was meant to do this on their own.

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Remembering 9/11

Sunday, September 11, 2011, marks the tenth anniversary of 9/11 when approximately 3,000 innocent people lost their lives in the attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, and in the crash of Flight 93 in Pennsylvania.

Naturally, the families and friends of those who lost their lives in this historical tragedy may be overwhelmed with feelings of sadness as they remember their loved one on this milestone anniversary. There will be plenty of coverage in the media with pictures, audio recordings of messages loved ones sent before their death, and interviews of people who either survived the event or lost someone in the event. While all of this is newsworthy and reminds us of the brave souls who lost their lives, we also need to be aware that it brings forth feelings of tremendous sadness for those left behind. One thing that I have learned about loss is this… “You never forget.” Nor should you. These families will remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when they received the news. Don't assume that because ten years have passed that their pain is gone and their hearts have healed. Grieving is a process not an event and it can take a long time to work through, even years. Events such as 9/11 do not fade into the background... the world remembers and so do the families.

All over the globe, people will find ways to honor these heroes this weekend. I will light a candle to pay tribute to my American neighbours and I will be explaining it to my grandsons so they understand. For those living in the Seattle area, listen to 100.7 FM The Wolf, for updates on their efforts to bring together a crowd of people to release 3,000 red, white and blue balloons on Sunday.  Is all of this crazy? Should we not bother to make a huge production of something that happened so long ago? All that I can say is… follow your heart. If it makes sense to you… if it comforts you… if it releases feelings of sadness and sorrow, then do it.

Although you may not have known anyone directly involved in 9/11, don’t be alarmed that you too may be overwhelmed with feelings of grief as you remember the events of the day. I knew one person living in New York City (Michael Warner) at the time and he was across the street when this attack happened. I have never forgotten how relieved those who know him were to find out that he was safe. And I remember how our hearts broke for those who died and for their families who were left behind. I still get choked up about it. Is this crazy? To have feelings about people that you never met or will never meet? No. It’s called compassion, empathy, and ‘having a heart’… it’s loving your fellow man.

Personally, I think everyone should take time to pause this Sunday to remember the innocent who died in this tragedy. And when we do, we can also remember others who have experienced the pain of losing a loved one and do what we can to be gentle, kind, and loving to everyone we encounter. Appreciating our loved ones, taking time to serve, honoring our seniors, helping the homeless, giving thanks for what we have, and remembering that life can turn on a time and should not be taken for granted is probably the greatest tribute we can pay to the families and loved ones of 9/11. 

Panic

Panic is another potential response that individuals may experience following loss.

When panic sets in you may feel overwhelmed and fearful that something else will happen. On one hand, you understand that the experience you are having is probably the worst possible thing you could imagine to happen. On the other not-so-logical hand, you are hypersensitive and running like a deer caught in the headlights just waiting for the other shoe to fall and something else to happen.

I experienced this following my husband’s death, which was completely unexpected. It was the worst thing I could imagine to happen to me at 34 years old. That was the logical side. On the not-so-logical side, I became obsessed that something worse was going to happen… like my children dying. I was okay during the day, but at night when the girls were in bed and I was pacing the floor, panic would set in. Almost always, I would give in to my fear and tiptoe into their rooms and gently lift an eyelid or put my finger under their nose to feel their breath so I would know they were still alive. Inevitably one of them would wake up and say, “Mom… we’re fine. Go back to bed.” We laugh about it today, but at the time it was CRAZY making stuff and it was a real.

I’m not a big fan of the ‘pill cocktail’ when individuals are struggling with a loss. I don’t believe that numbing someone’s feelings is going to heal them any faster than allowing them to work through the process in their own time. In fact, I think it prolongs it. I am not a medical doctor so I certainly don’t want to imply that everyone should avoid medication after a loss. If you feel that you need ‘treatment’ than see your physician. What I do see and hear often is that well-meaning friends or family members offer up unused prescriptions to help the bereaved cope. This is dangerous and not helpful.

Other interventions that may be of help to alleviate panic include:

· STOP! Just stop what you are doing, sit down, close your eyes and breathe. You may start crying… that’s okay… sometimes tears are the only way we can release the stress.

· Keep a journal and write about your feeling at that moment. Look for patterns or triggers that may set off the fear.

· Consider meditation before you reach for medication. Meditation is a wonderful stress reducer and can help to rejuvenate you when sleep is lacking.

· Call a trusted supporter and have them sit with you or speak with you over the telephone until the feeling dissipates.

· When the panic subsides remind yourself that you are doing the best you can in light of the experience you are having and that the feeling is temporary.


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Memory Collage

Often when a loved dies it is the memories we have of them that get us through the darkest hour. It is wonderful to remember the person and to reflect on what they meant to you.

It is not unusual for families to display picture boards or to show slideshows of the person who died at the memorial service. Sifting through photos and sharing stories that show the activities, vacations and social gatherings you enjoyed together, or candid shots depicting the true character of your loved one is very therapeutic. It can bring a smile to your face and yes, a tear to your eye. Both are normal and okay to experience.

Once the funeral is done and friends and family fade into their own realities, why not spend some time in creating a beautiful memory collage of you and your loved one.

Here are some simple steps to help get you started:

·         Gather together posterboard, photos, cards or magazines to cut out phrases or words, scissors, glue, acid-free tape. Picture frames are optional.

·         You can have a theme for your memory collage or put it together freestyle, choosing pictures that strike you for whatever reason. Some themes could be: travel, family celebrations, funny moments, milestones in that person’s life, or the person doing all their favourite things.

·         Cut out the photos in different shapes. Use cookie cutters shaped like stars and hearts to trace the design on the photo and cut it out.  If you want to keep the photos in the original form for future use, consider making colored photocopies to cut into shapes and use on the collage.

·         Cut out phrases, full sentences or single words to add inspiration and to help tell the story of your loved one.

·         Before you start gluing or taping the photos and words onto the posterboard, take some time and just lay everything out on the board. You can leave spaces between the pieces or overlap the edges so there is no beginning and no ending to where the photos start and stop. Be creative… you are the artist… there is no right or wrong.

·         It’s optional to frame your collage. If you have one to fit and you want to do that, go ahead and enjoy!

Photo Credit: Nuchylee

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Seasonal Memories

As we move from one season to another, I was nudged to dig out a piece that I wrote nearly twenty years ago. It really was a ‘stream of consciousness’ writing about my favourite seasonal memories and some that I imagined would make each quarter memorable.

See how many you identify with. Enjoy!

A Life of Seasons

~ Janelle Breese Biagioni

The birth of spring brings the gift of life to the world. Trees and shrubs erupting with the growth of tender green leaves and fragile blossoms of pink and white. Unfolding ever so gently, like the growth of a child; precious treasures bringing joy to the beholder. Gentle rains and tender breezes, clouds of cotton and skies of blue to bring peace of mind. Mud puddles for children to dance about in and warming sunshine to bask the soul in. Hopscotch and skipping ropes, baseballs and bats, children laughing from a light-hearted game of hide and seek. Baby farm animals and newborn kittens bringing forth our awe at the wonder of God’s creation. New beginnings and uplifted spirits, encouraging growth and giving way to…

The youthfulness of summer bringing fun to all. Hot sunny weather, ice cream, swimming pools, and sandy beaches. Children running through the zoo, riding bikes, wiener roasts and camping. Sailboats and waterskiing. Dad’s gone fishing, Mom’s in the garden with fresh tomatoes and sweet juicy watermelons. Running barefoot through the grass, warm starry summer nights, crickets calling, corn-on-the-cob, family picnics and riding the carnival carousel. Thunderstorms and drought-freeing rains. Feelings light and carefree, exuberant with curiosity venturing forth to…

The maturity of fall, upholding its responsibility to reach nature’s peak. Trees bursting with colors of red, gold and orange. Gusty winds, creaking gateposts, nights filled with cool, crisp air. Thanksgiving turkeys, whip cream and pumpkin pies, Halloween stories of witches, ghosts and frightful goblins. Bright autumn sunshine and the mouth-watering taste of crunchy red apples. Cinnamon sticks and hot steamy cider. Raking leaves and brand new school books. Feelings of accomplishment and a sense of completion, settling in front of the fire to await…

The arrival of old man winter using his experience and age to complete nature’s cycle. Frosty nights and homemade soup. Winter coats, bright woollen mittens, fur-lined boots to warm tiny toes. Ice skating on Grandpa’s pond, freedom speeding down the slopes. The hush of the first snowfall, flannelette nighties and marshmallows bobbing in thick hot chocolate. Children making eyes of coal, cherished snow angels and captivating icicles. Red brick fireplaces, Santa and big tall Christmas trees. Shiny ornaments, twinkling tinsel and presents in pretty packages. Sweet peppermint of red and green twisted and curled to make a cane. Feelings of love and rejoicing, vows of family renewed. Branches bare, melting snow, grass turned brown. The dormant death of nature allowing the completion of God’s work, recognizing…

The birth of spring brings the gift of life to the world.

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