Japan’s Disaster a Global Heartbreak

Much like the 6.3 earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand, the 8.9 earthquake in Japan has gripped the world’s attention. In recent years, we were also stunned by the aftermath of earthquakes in China, Chile, and Haiti. The collective loss of lives, devastation, and concern for the future of those surviving such enormous tragedies is profound. Their pain and suffering is felt throughout the world for several reasons.

First of all, our globe has become a small sphere given the connections we can make worldwide via the Internet, Facebook and Twitter. Relationships through business, networking, friendships and mastermind groups are all ways that we have come to “meet” people and develop a relationship with them via e-mail, instant messaging, telephone, and Skype. We may never meet them face-to-face, but that doesn’t mean the connection on a heart and soul level hasn’t been made. Feelings of worry, care and concern are still going to be normal regardless of whether you have actually had the opportunity to shake the person’s hand.

Secondly, people have become world travelers and/or live in different countries because of work or volunteer opportunities. In doing so, we meet lots of new people and after returning home the connections you made will be carried in your heart and soul. If something were to happen in an area where you made new friends ~ albeit it even briefly ~ again, you would likely experience some anxiety, concern and worry until you get news that all is well with them.

Last, but not least, we are humans with hearts that resonate with others when they feel sorrow and pain. Our hearts break for those who are suffering, even if we don’t know them, because we know what it is to live and love and we know what it means if we were to lose that.

So today, and any other day, when your heart is held captive to global sorrow, what should you do? Don’t dismiss it for starters. Take some time to stop and reflect on what you are feeling and give expression to those feelings. Are you feeling sad or anxious because you know someone or have made a connection with someone where the disaster struck? Or, are you consumed with the reality that life can turn on a dime and we never know when or what can take place that will change the world forever? Either way, here are some tips to help you work through the feelings you are having today:

• Allow yourself to reflect on the situation and understand why you feel the way you do
• Take time to give gratitude for the good in your life right now (kiss your spouse and hug your kids!)
• Find a way to offer support to those who have survived the disaster (make a donation, volunteer, even say a prayer)
• Surround yourself with people you love and trust and who will allow you to express your feelings
• Recognize that your visceral response to a global disaster may be a sign of unresolved grief from events that personally affected you in the past. If this is the case, give yourself permission to do the work of healing now ~ it’s never too late and you are worth it!

Life Reviews

There are two types of life reviews. One is a phenomenon that occurs during a near-death experience. The person will see their life in chronological order. The other is when the elderly or dying have an opportunity to reflect on their life and to communicate those memories with another.

There are tremendous benefits for everyone when a life review is performed. For the person doing the life review, it brings value and meaning to their experiences. It also brings closure. For the family and friends receiving the stories, the life review provides an oral history ~ they may hear or learn things that they had no idea about or that they always wondered about. If the elderly or dying person is okay with it, having someone videotape the review provides a permanent record to be enjoyed in the future.

How to get started with a life review? It doesn’t have to be an onerous task – play some music and start reminiscing with photos. Pictures trigger wonderful stories! Another suggestion is an activity that I call The Memory Tree. Make some paper hearts out of red construction paper. Punch a hole at the top and string a thread or ribbon through the hole. Encourage family and friends to record their favourite memory with the person. Hang the hearts on a silk or real household plant/tree. It’s easy to take a heart from the tree and ask, “Grandpa, tell me about the fishing trip with my dad when he was ten.” Have a pen and paper ready to take notes! 

Preplanning a Funeral

For some, the thought of preplanning a funeral is utterly morbid. It’s not. There are many reasons to consider preplanning your funeral.

To begin with, immediately following a loved one’s death, the family is quite emotional. If this was a sudden death, they are likely to be in shock and completely overwhelmed with what has happened. If this was an anticipated death, the process could have been long and arduous; therefore, they are probably feeling drained emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, waiting to make the funeral arrangements until everyone is feeling strong enough is not an option. A funeral is generally held within a few days of the person dying.

One of the most important reasons to consider preplanning your funeral is to see that your wishes will be carried out. Things will be done just the way that you want. Your family will not be left to second guess what your wishes would be.

Another important factor is financial. In preplanning your funeral, the costs are predetermined and you can even prepay into a plan to ensure the expenses are covered. This relieves your family of tremendous concern and burden.

Preplanning and paying for your funeral may be the most thoughtful thing that you can do for your family.

Forgiveness ~ Is it About Letting Someone off the Hook?

“Father, forgive me for I have sinned." This came out of my mouth every Saturday at confession. The religious teachings to seek forgiveness DID NOT teach me anything about forgiveness ~ what it really is and why it is so important.  I just knew (because the teachings told me) that I was born a sinner and would always be a sinner. Thankfully, I have recovered from that tainted teaching!

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is about loving yourself enough to let go of the pain and the hurt inflicted on you by another. Forgiving them does not in any way let them off the hook for their actions. They are still accountable for the harm they did and you have the right to not allow the experience back into your life again. Forgiveness is about releasing the inner turmoil so that you can move forward with your life, in a rich and meaningful way. This may or may not include the other person.

If you choose to not forgive ~ and yes, it is a choice ~ it is you who ultimately pays the price. To hold on to anger and resentment secures your path in a deep sludge that I guarantee will spill over into your relationships and future experiences. On the other hand, if you choose to forgive, the benefit to yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually is immeasurable.

What does forgiveness mean to you?

Bonus Blog: Through the Tears

For centuries, tears have been misinterpreted as a sign of weakness. We all know that males are told from a young age, “Big boys don’t cry.” For women, while it is more acceptable for us to weep, the acceptance is often couched in labels such as: “high strung, over-emotional, drama-queens, or hysterical.” It’s all bunk. Yes, there is no doubt that some people can take it to the extreme ~ this is true for both men and women~ but generally tears are a natural way to shed stress and feelings of sorrow.

There are times when we can’t put our feelings into words. Crying is a perfectly healthy way to release those emotions. Other times the heartbreaking reality of what is happening is so overwhelming that the body has to do something to let go of the pain. Isn’t it far better to go through a box of Kleenex than to inch yourself towards a heart attack or other physical response? I think so.

You may have encountered someone who responded to your tears with statements like: “Don’t cry.” “It’s okay.” “It’s not that bad.” “It’s not worth crying over.” Here is the truth why these people attempt to close the floodgates for others ~ they have not got the ability to be present to pain. Their efforts to stop the tears are about them… not about the person who is crying.

So how do you convey support to someone who is distraught? Simply be present and allow them to feel what they need to feel for however long they need to feel it. Don’t attempt to suppress their tears. It’s okay, and loving, to gently place a hand on their shoulder, arm or leg to let them know that you are there and will be there for however long it takes. Just listening and being are the greatest gifts of all.

Moreover, remember this: People can die from a broken heart ~ no one has died from crying.

 *This is dedicated to my children who have listened to me with open hearts this week. Myriah, Dale, Matt & Megan ~ thank you!

Aniticipatory Grief

When family receives the news that a loved one is going to die, their world instantly comes to a stop.

At first, it is difficult to believe that what you think you heard is, in fact, the truth. Life moves in slow motion and yet the news swirls in your head at light speed. You are catapulted into a world of fear, shock and even denial. While trying to figure out what the dying person may want, you begin to struggle with the reality that you have to say goodbye.

After learning of a loved one’s diagnosis, it’s normal that we want to protect them by not talking about the inevitable. Sometimes, they feel the same way ~ they don’t want to upset anyone so they don’t talk about the foreseeable either. By avoiding the conversation, families unintentionally block meaningful dialogue. Yes, it will be sad. Yes, there will be tears. The truth is… you will be sad and have tears whether you talk about death or not. My advice is: get out of your head and stay in your heart. There are many end-of-life decisions to be made and it all starts with meaningful conversation.

My upcoming book Extraordinary Mourning: Healing for a Broken Heart will have a chapter dedicated to the topic of Anticipatory Grief. It’s a complex but important topic. For more information on End-of-life Care or Anticipatory Grief, visit the following websites:

• Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association http://www.chpca.net
• American Hospice Foundation www.americanhospice.org
• Center to Advance Palliative Care www.getpalliativecare.org
• Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services www.medicare.gov
• Department of Veterans Affairs www.va.gov
• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization www.nhpco.org

Was there a time when you were told a loved one would die? What was the most difficult part of the experience for you?

The Loss of a Child

I have experienced many losses in my life, but I have not experienced the death of a child.

I have miscarried a child, as did one of my daughters. Miscarriage is heartbreaking, and many women endure multiple miscarriages and go through a very difficult grief journey as a result. I can’t compare the two— the death of a child before his or her birth vs. the death of a child after his or her birth – these are two significant ways to experience loss, and it is grossly unfair to parents who have endured such heartbreak to infer they are the same. In this blog, I am writing about the death of a child after birth.

As I said, I have not experienced the death of one of my children. Therefore, I feel extremely inadequate to write about such an occurrence. I truly have no idea how difficult this would be. I can only share what I have learned and/or observed from others who have gone through this and pray that I give them the respect they deserve.

After my brother died, my mother was so lost. She ached for him. Her grief was different then his wife’s and children. Her sorrow differed from mine. Her pain was incomparable to the pain my siblings experienced. She was his mother. Even though none of us could fully understand what it felt like for her, we understood what she meant by, “This is so out of order. A child should never die before their parent.”

As a young mother, I knew what it felt like to want to protect my children from any harm. I doubt there is any parent who would not give of their own life for that of their child’s. I would have for my children, and I would do it now as a grandmother for my grandchildren. The reality is that it is not an option.

The heartbreak that comes with the death of child is intense. It is probably the deepest wound to one’s heart. Given the complexity and intensity, it is very difficult for both parents. To begin with, each person grieves differently. Secondly, the very two people who are the main support for one another are grieving and may not have the ability to fully support their partner or spouse. It’s complex.

There are layers of grief in any loss; however, the loss of a child brings many unique layers to the table. Each member of the family must grieve the loss of the relationship with the child who died, and they now must grieve the loss of their family, as they once knew it to be. An additional layer would be with grandparents. They are in a unique position where they are grieving for the loss of a grandchild and their heart is broken for their bereaved adult son or daughter.

This topic is much too complex for a blog, but it is a profound loss, which needs to be acknowledged. I cannot possibly do it justice here. I will write more about this in my upcoming book Extraordinary Mourning: Healing for a Broken Heart.

Have you survived the loss of a child? It would be an honour to hear your experience.