Take Time to Smell the Flowers

Spring is in the air!  This is a lovely time of year where nature is rebirthed. The trees, grass and flower beds are bursting with colour and freshness. Listen for the lawn mowers and breathe in deeply the smell of freshly cut grass. Get outside and look at the blue sky. Lay on the grass or beach and watch the clouds float by. Pretend you are a kid and let yourself see shapes of animals and objects in the white cotton as it skims across the sky.

You have heard the saying… “A change is as good as a rest.” Well, not all of us can take a vacation and go sit by a pool in some exotic hotel. But each one of us can stop and smell the flowers. These moments of solitude are “mini vacations” and they will do wonders to replenish our spirit.

Grieving and mourning is emotionally and physically taxing; therefore, it is vital to pace yourself. Sitting around watching television for 12 – 18 hours and secluding yourself from the outside world isn’t what I mean by pacing yourself. I am talking about getting out, doing something fun, taking in the beauty that surrounds you, and giving thanks that you are here to enjoy it. Yes, it is okay to have fun after loss – granted it is more challenging to allow your spirit to lighten up – but if you can allow some fun in, albeit for a brief time, you will feel better.

One of the most gratifying things that you can do – and one that will shift your thinking and feelings immediately – is to do something for someone else. Take a cupcake to a friend. Write a note and thank someone for being there for you. Offer to pull weeds for the elderly person down the street. Smile at the homeless person sitting on the curb. Do what you can to go beyond what has happened in your life and help someone with what has happened to them and I promise that your perspective will shift.

When was the last time you experienced joy? Allow some into your life today.

Ending a Friendship

Ending a relationship is never easy. Even when the ending is by mutual consent, it still can leave you feeling raw and wounded. It is not uncommon after an individual has sustained a brain injury for the person to experience a shift in their friendships. Some grow and expand while others wane away and then fade away all together. While this isn’t fair, it is a reality. Here are some suggestions to consider if a friend has ended their relationship with you:

ü  It isn’t always about you. More often than not, the person leaves the relationship because THEY are unable to cope with the changes they see.

ü  It is extremely easy to take it personally, and if you are, it would be wise to discuss your feelings with a trusted friend or family member or professional.

ü  Ask for feedback – but you need to be ready for the answers when you ask the question. Am I socially inappropriate? Have my social skills changed since I was injured? What could I do differently?

ü  Significant changes in our life bring about transformation. As we transform, we may see changes on many levels: in our home, friends, and community connections.

ü  It’s important to not write yourself off!!! You are a worthwhile person and although your feelings may be hurt, there will be new friends who will come into your life. You need to prepare for that by having an open mind and heart, and do your very best to steer away from negative thinking.

ü  Remember… there are others like you who are experiencing the loss of companionship and they too, would like a new friend. Hold your chin up, smile, and do something nice for someone else today. You never know what rewards there may be.

Sand and Water by Beth Nielsen Chapman

All alone I didn't like the feeling

All alone I sat and cried

All alone I had to find some meaning

In the center of the pain I felt inside

All alone I came into this world

All alone I will someday die

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby

Sand and water, and a million years gone by

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns

I will hear you in the sound of the waves

I will know you when I come, as we all will come

Through the doors beyond the grave

All alone I heal this heart of sorrow

All alone I raise this child

Flesh and bone, he's just

Bursting towards tomorrow

And his laughter fills my world and wears your smile

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns

I will hear you in the sound of the waves

I will know you when I come, as we all will come

Through the doors beyond the grave

All alone I came into this world

All alone I will someday die

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby

Sand and water and a million years gone by

Artist: Nielsen Chapman Beth

Song: Sand and Water

Album: Greatest Hits

Photo Credit: Rawich / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1758

<p><a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1758">Image: Rawich / FreeDigitalPhotos.net</a></p>

To My Children: Why I took the Job of Being Your Mother

It’s been over 33 years since I applied for the job of mother – a job that I desperately wanted but had absolutely no experience in. I had one person to model after and although I witnessed firsthand the trials and tribulations she went through with raising seven children, I was not deterred. She said it was the greatest job on earth and I believed her.

To look back on the situation, it is quite humorous to think that I, virtually an unknown and unskilled person, applied and got the top position to raise several members of the next generation. At first I started out with one responsibility and then moved to two. I had an assistant (their father) who for 12 years supported my decisions but also offered a balance of fun and free-spiritedness for them (i.e. he didn`t care if the beds got made).  For a brief time following his death, I sojourned alone with my children, doing the best I could and drawing upon some inner strength and trust knowing that I could do this… even if it was without another. Then I met a new assistant and along with him, came three new responsibilities that I willingly and lovingly accepted.

I never drew a dime from holding this top position, nor did I ever expect to be paid. There was never any direct benefits, as in health and vacation… in fact, I understood from day one that it was my responsibility to provide those benefits if they were going to happen. I understood and accepted that my hours of work would be 24 hours per day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for approximately 20 years. I was just fine with that.

My performance reviews over the years have varied. There were times that I held the position of hero and at times, I was perceived to be the enemy. Although it was warm and fuzzy to be the hero and it stung like hell to be the enemy (still does today), it never caused me to waver from my duties. I couldn`t provide everything the children felt they wanted, but I did provide all of them with what they needed. They were never without a warm beautiful home, good food on the table, plenty of celebrations for their accomplishments, decent clothes on their back, access to activities of their choice, help with their homework, and the acceptance of being a priority in my life by my family and our friends.

 I never walked off the job because I didn`t receive enough in return for my efforts. I would never have considered such a thing. I was not a perfect mother, nor have I ever professed to be. I have been and will always be… a `working hands-on mom’. I won’t rise to glory and fame for my role; however, I do know that I have given this world some bright shining stars who will make a difference and that’s all the recognition that I need.

As I look back on the years, it is interesting to me that although I had other parents to support and assist in raising these five children, I felt solely responsible for their well-being and how their lives would turn out. The children are all adults now making their own decisions, of which I respect. I may not agree with everything they do, but it is time for them to shape their lives in the way they desire. They will have lessons, as each of us will, and I no longer feel that I have to be the one to guide them through those lessons. They have skills, values, and the ability to discern right from wrong. They will be just fine.

I have now moved onto the role of senior management… one that I hold with pride. My opinions and advice are not always wanted - no matter how grounded they are in experience. At times, I continue to be a source of frustration and annoyance… as any parent does. Nonetheless, my track record remains the same. I am still here. I am still me. An added bonus to my role now is the influence and connections that I have with grandchildren. As a mother, I may not be told in words that they ‘got’ what I had to do or that I did the best I could under the circumstances and without a manual, but the fact that they frequently entrust their precious children to me is proof enough of their faith that I have and will continue to do good.

I am proud of the role that I have held and continue to hold. And… I have no plans of leaving my post anytime soon J.

The Loss of a Mother

A final picture of my mom taken at my daughter, Myriah's wedding.

My mother died on May 17, 2003. It was a devastating time for all of us. She was the true matriarch, guiding and encouraging her children to be all that we could be. She respected our choice in partners as we journeyed from childhood to adulthood. Family was family to her… she embraced the children we gave birth too, those we acquired through marriage and those adopted… they were all one and the same.  Moreover, she had an unwavering faith that each one of us could move mountains on earth and shine brighter than the stars and the moon. My wish is for every child to feel that love and devotion.

Was Mom perfect? Absolutely not! She had her imperfections like the rest of us. Her and my father struggled with financial, emotional and marital issues. Did that impact their seven children? Yes, it did; however, those experiences made me stronger, wiser, and more resilient. I believe most of my siblings would agree that we used those experiences to create a life unlike the one we grew up in.

What Mom gave me beyond the impossible financial comforts was: a dress for a school dance that she handmade from her favourite sundress – because I loved it; endless cups of tea and late night chats as a teenager who was struggling to find my way to love and success; undefeatable support when I was widowed with two small children. There is so much more that she did, but what I have listed demonstrates the values she held as a parent and that she strived to pass onto her sons and daughters. Not only will I celebrate her memory this Mother’s Day, but I attempt to celebrate her every day through my relationships with my children and grandchildren.

Not everyone was or is blessed to have had a mom like ours. I know others who experienced rejection, abuse, and a true lack of love at the hand of their mother (and/or father). The memories for them are like shards of glass that pierce their heart daily. It is my experience that often someone has come into their life and been their champion, so I encourage them to draw from that love and support. Working through the emotional aftermath of a difficult childhood is hard, but it is important grief work to do. You have to believe that you are worth healing and know that the relationship you experienced is not a true reflection of who you are as a loving soul. On this Mother’s Day, you can choose to celebrate the one who honoured and respected you… it does not have to be your biological mother.

In memory of my mom this Mother’s Day, I would like to share a poem that she chose to have printed on her memorial card.

When I come to the end of the road,

And the sun has set for me;

I want no rites in a gloom filled room

Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little… but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low;

Remember the love that we once shared

Miss me… but let me go.

For this is a journey that we all must take,

And each must go it alone;

It’s all a part of the Master’s plan

A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick at heart,

Go to the friends we know;

And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds

Miss me… but let me go.

~Author Unknown

About Hope

Hope is a garden

Of seed sown with tears,

Planted with love

Amidst the present fears.

Hope is a rainbow

Of butterfly wings,

Gently it beckons,

Lightly it sings.

Hope is a present

Of future each day,

A voice from our heart

To show us the way.

Hope is not passive,

It’s real and alive,

Hope is a strength

To guide choices made wise.

Yes, hope is a garden

Grown from love and from tears,

And hope which is nurtured

Survives throughout the years.

~ Mattie J.T. Stepanek (May 21, 2003)

Pg 182 – Reflections of a Peacemaker

Today You Would Be….

   Dedicated to my brother Brian. His birthday was  May 3rd.




It’s a strange feeling when the birth date of a deceased loved one rolls around. It’s easy to remember them and the start of the day begins with, “Today you would be….” It’s a common practice for people to pay tribute on the anniversary of their death, but acknowledging them on their birthday doesn’t usually happen. It’s the opposite in our family.

I don’t see anything wrong with remembering the person and celebrating who they were on what would have been a special day for them. On my mom’s birthday, I like to prepare all her favourite types of food. My sisters and I will chuckle, because although we live hundreds of miles apart, our menus will be identical as are our intentions. We even have a birthday cake.

When the birthday of your loved one comes around, get out and do something fun. Go for a picnic, walk on the beach, take a child to lunch, or linger at the spa. Make it whatever you want it to be, but use it for a catalyst to remind yourself to breathe and to LIVE your life to the fullest. I guarantee you will be smiled upon from heaven.

Photo Credit: maple / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1521

<p><a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1521">Image: maple / FreeDigitalPhotos.net</a></p>