The Loss of a Child

I have experienced many losses in my life, but I have not experienced the death of a child.

I have miscarried a child, as did one of my daughters. Miscarriage is heartbreaking, and many women endure multiple miscarriages and go through a very difficult grief journey as a result. I can’t compare the two— the death of a child before his or her birth vs. the death of a child after his or her birth – these are two significant ways to experience loss, and it is grossly unfair to parents who have endured such heartbreak to infer they are the same. In this blog, I am writing about the death of a child after birth.

As I said, I have not experienced the death of one of my children. Therefore, I feel extremely inadequate to write about such an occurrence. I truly have no idea how difficult this would be. I can only share what I have learned and/or observed from others who have gone through this and pray that I give them the respect they deserve.

After my brother died, my mother was so lost. She ached for him. Her grief was different then his wife’s and children. Her sorrow differed from mine. Her pain was incomparable to the pain my siblings experienced. She was his mother. Even though none of us could fully understand what it felt like for her, we understood what she meant by, “This is so out of order. A child should never die before their parent.”

As a young mother, I knew what it felt like to want to protect my children from any harm. I doubt there is any parent who would not give of their own life for that of their child’s. I would have for my children, and I would do it now as a grandmother for my grandchildren. The reality is that it is not an option.

The heartbreak that comes with the death of child is intense. It is probably the deepest wound to one’s heart. Given the complexity and intensity, it is very difficult for both parents. To begin with, each person grieves differently. Secondly, the very two people who are the main support for one another are grieving and may not have the ability to fully support their partner or spouse. It’s complex.

There are layers of grief in any loss; however, the loss of a child brings many unique layers to the table. Each member of the family must grieve the loss of the relationship with the child who died, and they now must grieve the loss of their family, as they once knew it to be. An additional layer would be with grandparents. They are in a unique position where they are grieving for the loss of a grandchild and their heart is broken for their bereaved adult son or daughter.

This topic is much too complex for a blog, but it is a profound loss, which needs to be acknowledged. I cannot possibly do it justice here. I will write more about this in my upcoming book Extraordinary Mourning: Healing for a Broken Heart.

Have you survived the loss of a child? It would be an honour to hear your experience.