Sharing Loss with Others

Sharing our loss with others is an important piece to the grief journey. In sharing your story, it allows you to explore your feelings and to validate the impact that a particular loss has had on your life.

People generally have good friends and close family members that they are able to share their feelings with. However, some may not feel comfortable with sharing their deepest feelings with people they know so well. And, there are those who truly have no one to walk the journey with. In all instances, a support group may be beneficial.

I don’t want to imply that EVERYONE who has suffered a loss needs or will benefit from attending a support group, so don’t rush out and sign someone you know up for one because they recently have had a loss. Support groups are an option for everyone, offering a safe, nurturing space to do the work of mourning with others who have had similar experiences.

The following points may help you to decide if you are ready for a support group and or what it takes to start a support group:

• Are you ready? If your loss is quite recent, you may not be ready to attend a group. If the loss was sudden and unexpected, a person can be in shock for a long time… sometimes weeks or months. You have to be ready to do the work. The facilitator for the group would welcome meeting with you to help determine if the timing is right.
• Does the group have people attending with the same kind of loss that you have experienced or is it a mix of loss history (e.g. death, divorce etc.)? If it is a mix of losses, you want to be sure that you feel a connection and that you do not feel alone or isolated.
• Getting over your grief should not be the goal of attending a support group. Each person’s journey is unique to them. Don’t set yourself up with a specific timetable for attending (i.e. 5 sessions). Instead, commit to attending for as long as you need to get the work done… trust me, you will know when you are ready to move on.
• Don’t feel that you have to share at every session you attend. Not everyone does. Keep in mind that the group is a safe place for you to do the work and explore your feelings, but there may be some days that you just don’t want to share and that is okay. The group should respect that.
• Prepare to be part of someone else’s journey. A group session means that more than one person will be sharing. It’s important that you are able to give attention to the person who is speaking and not interrupt to share your experience. It’s a give and take process. Give others their time and take your turn.
• Support groups are not for giving advice. They are for sharing experiences and to do your personal work. If a group member requests help with something, it is fine for the group to share ideas and thoughts on what may have been helpful if your loss experience is similar to theirs.
• Judge not, lest ye be judged. Support groups must be non-judgemental. Thoughts and feelings that people experience following loss are not right or wrong. Don’t attempt to persuade or dissuade someone from feeling what they are feeling. Instead, respect where they are and listen with love.
• You don’t need to make a life commitment to attending a support group. A support group may only run for a specific amount of time (i.e. 8 or 9 weeks) or it may be an ongoing, drop-in type of group. If it is for a specific timeframe, try to commit to attending all of the sessions. Remember that you are part of someone’s support too, so if you don’t show up, they don’t have the support either. If it is an ongoing group (or you don’t feel that you can continue) then discuss your decision with the facilitator and the group.
• Allow yourself to ease back into life after a session. Sharing your experience and hearing the stories of others is a very demanding and taxing process. Plan to do something nice for yourself after every session. You may enjoy going for coffee with a friend or group participant after the session, or go to a favourite quiet spot to process what you heard or feel. You may prefer to go home and enjoy a bubble bath or quiet time to journal.

*Remember confidentiality is a must! What is said in the group – stays in the group. If you meet up with another group member after a session, it is fine to discuss how you or they feel. It’s not okay to discuss others in the group or what they may have said.

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