LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

Many of my personal experiences in adult life have been around learning to let go of situations and /or relationships. Some of those relationships I didn't have a choice in and just had to let go. When my father was killed, my brother-in-law murdered, and with my brother, husband and mother's deaths... there was no choice, no negotiations...it was just over... I had to let go. In my healing, I came to understand that we do not get to choose all of our experiences...some just happen to us and although devestating, we learn the lesson of letting go.

I can see now that from those experiences, where the force of life was suddenly ripped away, I came to make other decisions where I pushed my way into relationships, and felt that I needed to make them work, hold on to them all in the spirit of 'life is too short and keeping a connection with a loved one is always worth the fight'. Recently I have had to face the reality of those choices. I accept now that it was my dream and not necessarily the dream of others. You can't make people love you, like you, or care about you. You can't be perfect and you won't always measure up to the expectation of others. All I can say is... "forgive me for not being the person you thought I should be and I am sorry you can't see me for who I am."

I am not a competative person by any means. But when it comes to love and relationships, I have never wanted to let go, give up, walk away or admit defeat. I am learning that today. I will always love the ones I love. I will always be here for them, but as I am...  me, the same person I always was. That may be good enough for some and may not for others. I am learning to accept that the way it is... is the way it is.

Letting go is very painful for me. But the time has come for me to learn that letting go doesn't mean that I can't love people and care about them from a distance... so I will. I am learning that it is not my responsibility to 'fix' things between others, it is their choice and I need to step aside so they can make the decision to heal their relationships or not... so I will. Stepping aside to let others do their work doesn't mean they will take up the challenge, nor does it mean my decision will be respected, but I don't have to take on their anger, dissapointment or blame... so I won't. It does mean that I learn to accept people for who they are and as I let go, allow them to be free too... so I will.

In letting go of a situation or relationship, it's important to do it with an open heart and a preparedness. Those you release and let go may appreciate it and rejoice that you finally got it. But don't be surprised if they resist by insulting, blaming, and lashing out at you directly or through others. If you are really letting go... then don't respond, just breath and let go. 

The following poem has helped me a great deal in coming to terms with these changes.

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
   but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
   but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
   but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
   it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
   but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
   but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
   but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
       and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !Remember: The time to love is short ------ author unknown

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Transitional Losses

Transitional losses may be experienced through employment (lay-offs, downsizing, retirement) or even moving to a new community.

As adults, moving to a new community is exciting and may bring new opportunities, but your child may not feel the same way. It gets more and more difficult as they age and move through the school years. Sometimes a family can work around a physical move and time it to not interfere with school, but sometimes it is impossible. For example, military families don’t necessarily have a choice on when or where to move.

Communication before, during and after, is extremely important for a smooth transition. It doesn’t mean there won’t be tears or sadness, you can bank on it that there will be. It will take your entire family time to make new friends, develop new routines and to feel that the new ‘brick and mortar’ feels like home.

If you don’t have access to resources through employment or in the community to help you plan the transition and work through all the family members’ emotions, then do some research on the Internet for articles of help such as the one below.

http://www.123movers.com/guides/movingyourfamilytips.asp

Do Animals Grieve?

Elephants are expressive animals and they have the ability to feel complex emotions much the way we do.  Herds of elephants are known to circle an ill member of their family, offering physical support for them until they can no longer stand. The herd will even try to revive their relation after they pass.

Following a death, the herd will touch their loved one with their feet, and stroke them with their trunks.  In their travels, when an elephant comes upon a dead elephant, it will stop and pause for a few minutes.  It is not uncommon for the elephant to pick up the bones, smell them and turn them around; they do not do this with the bones of any other species. 

Elephants also bury their loved one after he or she dies. Members of the herd break off branches and twigs, and tear up clumps of grass to place on top of their loved one; thus, creating a grave. Like humans, the elephants return to the gravesite to visit their loved one.  Elephants remember and can mourn their loved one for years following their death.

Visit this link to learn more about these amazing animals: http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/player/animals/mammals-animals/elephants/elephant_african_mourning.html

Developmental Losses

What is a developmental loss? The ‘empty nest syndrome’ is a classic example of a developmental loss. In my presentations, I often joke about raising five teenagers and not experiencing any sadness when the last one left home. While it is true, I felt that I did my best and I was ready to move on with the things that I wanted to accomplish, I did feel sadness when each of them moved out. And although my level of sadness may not be as intense as someone else’s, it doesn’t mean that I am doing it wrong and they are doing right, or vice versa. It means that our experiences are different.

If you are grieving the change in your family because children have moved on, consider the following:

• Your feelings are normal
• Embrace the time you have now to rekindle feelings with your partner, or to travel, or to learn something new, or to do something that you have always wanted to do
• Be excited for your child and while it is fine to let them know that you miss them, be sure to not make them feel guilty for leaving
• Know that this is what parents strive to do – work our way out of a job!

Getting Through a Year of Firsts

When my husband died, I was still reeling from the deaths of my father and brother. Much like everyone else in our family, including my sister-in-law and niece and nephews, I was grappling with the emotions of getting through the milestones in life without them. However, it wasn’t until I journeyed through the twelve months following my husband’s death that I fully hit this myth of ‘firsts’ head-on.

It’s a common sentiment offered to the bereaved: “Once you get through the first birthday, first Christmas, and first Mother/Father’s Day without them, it will get easier.” It became apparent, and very quickly to me, as I muddled through these “firsts” that they were not going to be contained within twelve months but rather for my lifetime and my children’s lifetime. Every event in our lives will be a ‘first’ without him.

When my daughters’ graduated from school, when they fell in love, when they walked down the aisle to be married and when they gave birth to their sons, were extraordinary events that spanned not just one year, but a number of years. They were a first for me and a first for them and they unfolded without their father. As our lives continue to unfold, we continue to experience ‘firsts’ without him. The difference is that we now know the truth and we can acknowledge our feelings.

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Death of a Soldier

Although we pay great honor to those who die in service, the pain of losing a loved one lingers beyond the funeral and public dedication. For years to come, the families and friends who are left behind will travel a long and unpredictable grief journey. They will seek comfort in their precious memories and struggle to make sense of why the death of their loved one happened when it did and in the way it did.  

The grieving families of Canadian and U.S. military personnel understand the heartbreak of losing a loved one unexpectedly. There is immense pride in knowing that your loved one died while serving his or her community and country. On the other hand, the wound of suddenly losing a father or mother, son or daughter, sister or brother, is deep and not easy to heal.

A compounding factor for the survivors is that the person who died is the family’s “gatekeeper” to an exclusive community (i.e. military community). After the person dies, the inclusion to this community often wanes and may even be denied. It isn’t that the colleagues of their loved ones don’t remember, or don’t want to include them. The reality is that the relationship takes on different parameters and the unintended, but natural consequence of the person’s death, is that the deceased person’s family no longer fits within that structure. This isn’t to say that “personal” friendships won’t remain intact. Often they do. What it does mean is that the day-to-day connections, social functions, and camaraderie is no longer available to them. This is another loss experienced by those left behind and can result in feelings of disappointment, abandonment, anger, and profound sadness.

Knowing that a person or family may feel “cut off” from the community they were once immersed in can assist in initiating an open discussion so supporters can actually “normalize” the experience for the grieving person. By normalizing the experience, survivors can begin to understand the changes in their relationship with their love one’s work community and not take it personally.

Loss of Trust

Each of us holds a memory when our trust in someone was shattered. It could have happened as a child when your best friend blurted out a sacred secret held between you. It could have happened when a parent or friend committed to be somewhere and/or do something and then didn’t. It could have happened when a business partner ripped you off. It could have happened when a love (partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend) betrayed the relationship by having an affair. Perhaps your experience was one of the ultimate trust-breakers… when an adult or authority figure used their power to harm another.

As you can tell from the examples, the loss of trust would be shattering for the person who is betrayed. At first, it may feel impossible for them to trust anyone again. And that may be true for a long, long time, but it doesn’t have to be forever. Some marriages can even survive a breach of trust after a spouse or partner has an affair. The trust isn’t regained overnight – it may take an incredible amount of time for the betrayed to feel a sense of trust again and it may never be at the level it was previously. The same would be true for other breaches – not necessarily impossible, but definitely not easy to overcome.

There is a plethora of information on the Internet with suggestions on how to regain trust in a relationship. While they are helpful and noteworthy, this is one of those situations where I strongly encourage people to seek the assistance of a professional. A few counselling sessions can be especially helpful when attempting to unravel the tangled web of emotions cast when a breach of trust in an intimate relationship occurs.

Breaches of trust involving sexual and physical abuse are extremely complex and require the guidance of a skilled therapist.

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Take Time to Smell the Flowers

Spring is in the air!  This is a lovely time of year where nature is rebirthed. The trees, grass and flower beds are bursting with colour and freshness. Listen for the lawn mowers and breathe in deeply the smell of freshly cut grass. Get outside and look at the blue sky. Lay on the grass or beach and watch the clouds float by. Pretend you are a kid and let yourself see shapes of animals and objects in the white cotton as it skims across the sky.

You have heard the saying… “A change is as good as a rest.” Well, not all of us can take a vacation and go sit by a pool in some exotic hotel. But each one of us can stop and smell the flowers. These moments of solitude are “mini vacations” and they will do wonders to replenish our spirit.

Grieving and mourning is emotionally and physically taxing; therefore, it is vital to pace yourself. Sitting around watching television for 12 – 18 hours and secluding yourself from the outside world isn’t what I mean by pacing yourself. I am talking about getting out, doing something fun, taking in the beauty that surrounds you, and giving thanks that you are here to enjoy it. Yes, it is okay to have fun after loss – granted it is more challenging to allow your spirit to lighten up – but if you can allow some fun in, albeit for a brief time, you will feel better.

One of the most gratifying things that you can do – and one that will shift your thinking and feelings immediately – is to do something for someone else. Take a cupcake to a friend. Write a note and thank someone for being there for you. Offer to pull weeds for the elderly person down the street. Smile at the homeless person sitting on the curb. Do what you can to go beyond what has happened in your life and help someone with what has happened to them and I promise that your perspective will shift.

When was the last time you experienced joy? Allow some into your life today.

Ending a Friendship

Ending a relationship is never easy. Even when the ending is by mutual consent, it still can leave you feeling raw and wounded. It is not uncommon after an individual has sustained a brain injury for the person to experience a shift in their friendships. Some grow and expand while others wane away and then fade away all together. While this isn’t fair, it is a reality. Here are some suggestions to consider if a friend has ended their relationship with you:

ü  It isn’t always about you. More often than not, the person leaves the relationship because THEY are unable to cope with the changes they see.

ü  It is extremely easy to take it personally, and if you are, it would be wise to discuss your feelings with a trusted friend or family member or professional.

ü  Ask for feedback – but you need to be ready for the answers when you ask the question. Am I socially inappropriate? Have my social skills changed since I was injured? What could I do differently?

ü  Significant changes in our life bring about transformation. As we transform, we may see changes on many levels: in our home, friends, and community connections.

ü  It’s important to not write yourself off!!! You are a worthwhile person and although your feelings may be hurt, there will be new friends who will come into your life. You need to prepare for that by having an open mind and heart, and do your very best to steer away from negative thinking.

ü  Remember… there are others like you who are experiencing the loss of companionship and they too, would like a new friend. Hold your chin up, smile, and do something nice for someone else today. You never know what rewards there may be.

Sand and Water by Beth Nielsen Chapman

All alone I didn't like the feeling

All alone I sat and cried

All alone I had to find some meaning

In the center of the pain I felt inside

All alone I came into this world

All alone I will someday die

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby

Sand and water, and a million years gone by

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns

I will hear you in the sound of the waves

I will know you when I come, as we all will come

Through the doors beyond the grave

All alone I heal this heart of sorrow

All alone I raise this child

Flesh and bone, he's just

Bursting towards tomorrow

And his laughter fills my world and wears your smile

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns

I will hear you in the sound of the waves

I will know you when I come, as we all will come

Through the doors beyond the grave

All alone I came into this world

All alone I will someday die

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby

Sand and water and a million years gone by

Artist: Nielsen Chapman Beth

Song: Sand and Water

Album: Greatest Hits

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To My Children: Why I took the Job of Being Your Mother

It’s been over 33 years since I applied for the job of mother – a job that I desperately wanted but had absolutely no experience in. I had one person to model after and although I witnessed firsthand the trials and tribulations she went through with raising seven children, I was not deterred. She said it was the greatest job on earth and I believed her.

To look back on the situation, it is quite humorous to think that I, virtually an unknown and unskilled person, applied and got the top position to raise several members of the next generation. At first I started out with one responsibility and then moved to two. I had an assistant (their father) who for 12 years supported my decisions but also offered a balance of fun and free-spiritedness for them (i.e. he didn`t care if the beds got made).  For a brief time following his death, I sojourned alone with my children, doing the best I could and drawing upon some inner strength and trust knowing that I could do this… even if it was without another. Then I met a new assistant and along with him, came three new responsibilities that I willingly and lovingly accepted.

I never drew a dime from holding this top position, nor did I ever expect to be paid. There was never any direct benefits, as in health and vacation… in fact, I understood from day one that it was my responsibility to provide those benefits if they were going to happen. I understood and accepted that my hours of work would be 24 hours per day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for approximately 20 years. I was just fine with that.

My performance reviews over the years have varied. There were times that I held the position of hero and at times, I was perceived to be the enemy. Although it was warm and fuzzy to be the hero and it stung like hell to be the enemy (still does today), it never caused me to waver from my duties. I couldn`t provide everything the children felt they wanted, but I did provide all of them with what they needed. They were never without a warm beautiful home, good food on the table, plenty of celebrations for their accomplishments, decent clothes on their back, access to activities of their choice, help with their homework, and the acceptance of being a priority in my life by my family and our friends.

 I never walked off the job because I didn`t receive enough in return for my efforts. I would never have considered such a thing. I was not a perfect mother, nor have I ever professed to be. I have been and will always be… a `working hands-on mom’. I won’t rise to glory and fame for my role; however, I do know that I have given this world some bright shining stars who will make a difference and that’s all the recognition that I need.

As I look back on the years, it is interesting to me that although I had other parents to support and assist in raising these five children, I felt solely responsible for their well-being and how their lives would turn out. The children are all adults now making their own decisions, of which I respect. I may not agree with everything they do, but it is time for them to shape their lives in the way they desire. They will have lessons, as each of us will, and I no longer feel that I have to be the one to guide them through those lessons. They have skills, values, and the ability to discern right from wrong. They will be just fine.

I have now moved onto the role of senior management… one that I hold with pride. My opinions and advice are not always wanted - no matter how grounded they are in experience. At times, I continue to be a source of frustration and annoyance… as any parent does. Nonetheless, my track record remains the same. I am still here. I am still me. An added bonus to my role now is the influence and connections that I have with grandchildren. As a mother, I may not be told in words that they ‘got’ what I had to do or that I did the best I could under the circumstances and without a manual, but the fact that they frequently entrust their precious children to me is proof enough of their faith that I have and will continue to do good.

I am proud of the role that I have held and continue to hold. And… I have no plans of leaving my post anytime soon J.

The Loss of a Mother

A final picture of my mom taken at my daughter, Myriah's wedding.

My mother died on May 17, 2003. It was a devastating time for all of us. She was the true matriarch, guiding and encouraging her children to be all that we could be. She respected our choice in partners as we journeyed from childhood to adulthood. Family was family to her… she embraced the children we gave birth too, those we acquired through marriage and those adopted… they were all one and the same.  Moreover, she had an unwavering faith that each one of us could move mountains on earth and shine brighter than the stars and the moon. My wish is for every child to feel that love and devotion.

Was Mom perfect? Absolutely not! She had her imperfections like the rest of us. Her and my father struggled with financial, emotional and marital issues. Did that impact their seven children? Yes, it did; however, those experiences made me stronger, wiser, and more resilient. I believe most of my siblings would agree that we used those experiences to create a life unlike the one we grew up in.

What Mom gave me beyond the impossible financial comforts was: a dress for a school dance that she handmade from her favourite sundress – because I loved it; endless cups of tea and late night chats as a teenager who was struggling to find my way to love and success; undefeatable support when I was widowed with two small children. There is so much more that she did, but what I have listed demonstrates the values she held as a parent and that she strived to pass onto her sons and daughters. Not only will I celebrate her memory this Mother’s Day, but I attempt to celebrate her every day through my relationships with my children and grandchildren.

Not everyone was or is blessed to have had a mom like ours. I know others who experienced rejection, abuse, and a true lack of love at the hand of their mother (and/or father). The memories for them are like shards of glass that pierce their heart daily. It is my experience that often someone has come into their life and been their champion, so I encourage them to draw from that love and support. Working through the emotional aftermath of a difficult childhood is hard, but it is important grief work to do. You have to believe that you are worth healing and know that the relationship you experienced is not a true reflection of who you are as a loving soul. On this Mother’s Day, you can choose to celebrate the one who honoured and respected you… it does not have to be your biological mother.

In memory of my mom this Mother’s Day, I would like to share a poem that she chose to have printed on her memorial card.

When I come to the end of the road,

And the sun has set for me;

I want no rites in a gloom filled room

Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little… but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low;

Remember the love that we once shared

Miss me… but let me go.

For this is a journey that we all must take,

And each must go it alone;

It’s all a part of the Master’s plan

A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick at heart,

Go to the friends we know;

And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds

Miss me… but let me go.

~Author Unknown

About Hope

Hope is a garden

Of seed sown with tears,

Planted with love

Amidst the present fears.

Hope is a rainbow

Of butterfly wings,

Gently it beckons,

Lightly it sings.

Hope is a present

Of future each day,

A voice from our heart

To show us the way.

Hope is not passive,

It’s real and alive,

Hope is a strength

To guide choices made wise.

Yes, hope is a garden

Grown from love and from tears,

And hope which is nurtured

Survives throughout the years.

~ Mattie J.T. Stepanek (May 21, 2003)

Pg 182 – Reflections of a Peacemaker

Today You Would Be….

   Dedicated to my brother Brian. His birthday was  May 3rd.




It’s a strange feeling when the birth date of a deceased loved one rolls around. It’s easy to remember them and the start of the day begins with, “Today you would be….” It’s a common practice for people to pay tribute on the anniversary of their death, but acknowledging them on their birthday doesn’t usually happen. It’s the opposite in our family.

I don’t see anything wrong with remembering the person and celebrating who they were on what would have been a special day for them. On my mom’s birthday, I like to prepare all her favourite types of food. My sisters and I will chuckle, because although we live hundreds of miles apart, our menus will be identical as are our intentions. We even have a birthday cake.

When the birthday of your loved one comes around, get out and do something fun. Go for a picnic, walk on the beach, take a child to lunch, or linger at the spa. Make it whatever you want it to be, but use it for a catalyst to remind yourself to breathe and to LIVE your life to the fullest. I guarantee you will be smiled upon from heaven.

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