StarTribune reports on Families Postponing Funerals

Postponing grief is not that uncommon. It’s not healthy, in my opinion, but it’s not uncommon. In fact, the StarTribune recently ran an online article about families postponing their loved one’s funeral or memorial service for several reasons. Sometimes it is because they are busy (e.g. vacation planned) or because they want to tie it into a special date for their loved one (i.e. birthday). And sometimes they want to put it off until they feel they can handle it.

Death does not happen at an opportune time – for anyone. Reconciling loss is not easy – it’s hard work. Postponing the grieving process will not make it any easier. I can speak from experience... if you hold your sorrow at bay, when you do unleash the pain, it is like a dam breaking! If the person who suffered the loss is postponing their grief, they are being self-destructive. If others are attempting to postpone a person from grieving they are jeopardizing the person’s well-being.  The unintended consequence is that the grief journey may never end.

Funerals and services serve great purpose in bringing together a support network for the bereaved and allows them a safe, nurturing environment to express their sorrow. By all means, plan a celebration of the person’s life at what would have been their next birthday. Just don’t confuse yourself thinking that waiting several months down the road to acknowledge the loss will be any easier, because I guarantee it won’t.

To read the online article, visit: http://www.startribune.com/local/117558463.html

Photo credit: Ambro http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499

Deaths of the Russian Ice Hockey Team

The horrific plane crash of the Russian Ice Hockey team on Wednesday, September 7 claimed 43 lives, which included players and coaches from 10 nations. As reported in the Huffington Post, the Yak-42 aircraft slammed into a riverbank shortly after taking off. As one can imagine, this tragedy will have a tremendous impact in the world of sports and for the families and loved ones of those who died.

The news of the plane crash was recalled intermittently as the world paid tribute to the thousands of innocent people who died in 9/11. These unbelievable losses remind us in a breathtaking way that life is fragile and when those we love die, we face the unpredictable and challenging journey of grieving and mourning.

Feelings of sadness, loneliness, helplessness, and emptiness are common responses to such loss. Individuals experiencing these responses may also experience disturbance in sleep and appetite, withdrawal, guilt, and low energy. While these symptoms are real and common to the responses listed, they are also common symptoms of clinical depression. As mentioned in a previous blog, being sad isn’t the same as being clinically depressed. Detecting depression can be tricky and as I said, it may mirror the same symptoms of the responses a person may have.

If you suffered a loss and feel that your symptoms have escalated where you have become completely immobilized or you are having thoughts of suicide, please reach out to talk with someone. There is no shame in seeking help. In fact, it is the bravest and safest action to take. If you are supporting an individual who is displaying magnified symptoms of grief then encourage them to seek professional support. Speaking with someone who is not immersed in your pain and who is trained in this field, can help you to explore your feelings of sorrow so that you can give expression to those feelings in a safe and meaningful way. In doing so, you will be able to move forward with your life a little at a time.

For more information on the Russian plane crash and the tributes to 9/11 visit these websites:

http://www.911memorial.org/

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2011/09/07/russian-plane-crash-kills_n_952895.html#s352095

http://www.teamradio.ca/news/pavol-demitra-among-43-dead-in-russian-plane-crash/

Sadness

Feeling sad is a normal emotional response following loss. For example, when a loved one dies it’s normal to feel lost, empty and emotionally flat for quite a while. Grief attacks us on all levels: emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, frightening, and unpredictable. A real problem is that others tend to want to rush people through the process and want them be happy and fun to be around again. You can’t rush anyone and you can’t make them get over what has happened. They need to work through it in their own way and in their own time.

Sadness is not the same as being clinically depressed. Meaningful family and friends often confuse the two and insist that if the sadness does not dissipate within a few days then the person is depressed and they need counselling and/or medication. Moreover, they expect the person to just snap out of it. You can’t snap out of it any more than you can just get over it.

Feelings of sadness can linger for weeks or months. A rule of thumb to go by when wondering if the person needs interventions is if they are threatening or doing harm to themselves or others or destroying property. Doing harm to themselves does not only apply to physically harming themselves. If the person is not able to get out of bed and they are sleeping the days away and/or they are not eating this too is harmful, albeit unintentional. Seeking professional help is beneficial in these situations. The bereaved, family and friends should not feel they can address the situation on their own. There is no shame in seeing a professional… nobody was meant to do this on their own.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2026

Remembering 9/11

Sunday, September 11, 2011, marks the tenth anniversary of 9/11 when approximately 3,000 innocent people lost their lives in the attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, and in the crash of Flight 93 in Pennsylvania.

Naturally, the families and friends of those who lost their lives in this historical tragedy may be overwhelmed with feelings of sadness as they remember their loved one on this milestone anniversary. There will be plenty of coverage in the media with pictures, audio recordings of messages loved ones sent before their death, and interviews of people who either survived the event or lost someone in the event. While all of this is newsworthy and reminds us of the brave souls who lost their lives, we also need to be aware that it brings forth feelings of tremendous sadness for those left behind. One thing that I have learned about loss is this… “You never forget.” Nor should you. These families will remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when they received the news. Don't assume that because ten years have passed that their pain is gone and their hearts have healed. Grieving is a process not an event and it can take a long time to work through, even years. Events such as 9/11 do not fade into the background... the world remembers and so do the families.

All over the globe, people will find ways to honor these heroes this weekend. I will light a candle to pay tribute to my American neighbours and I will be explaining it to my grandsons so they understand. For those living in the Seattle area, listen to 100.7 FM The Wolf, for updates on their efforts to bring together a crowd of people to release 3,000 red, white and blue balloons on Sunday.  Is all of this crazy? Should we not bother to make a huge production of something that happened so long ago? All that I can say is… follow your heart. If it makes sense to you… if it comforts you… if it releases feelings of sadness and sorrow, then do it.

Although you may not have known anyone directly involved in 9/11, don’t be alarmed that you too may be overwhelmed with feelings of grief as you remember the events of the day. I knew one person living in New York City (Michael Warner) at the time and he was across the street when this attack happened. I have never forgotten how relieved those who know him were to find out that he was safe. And I remember how our hearts broke for those who died and for their families who were left behind. I still get choked up about it. Is this crazy? To have feelings about people that you never met or will never meet? No. It’s called compassion, empathy, and ‘having a heart’… it’s loving your fellow man.

Personally, I think everyone should take time to pause this Sunday to remember the innocent who died in this tragedy. And when we do, we can also remember others who have experienced the pain of losing a loved one and do what we can to be gentle, kind, and loving to everyone we encounter. Appreciating our loved ones, taking time to serve, honoring our seniors, helping the homeless, giving thanks for what we have, and remembering that life can turn on a time and should not be taken for granted is probably the greatest tribute we can pay to the families and loved ones of 9/11. 

Panic

Panic is another potential response that individuals may experience following loss.

When panic sets in you may feel overwhelmed and fearful that something else will happen. On one hand, you understand that the experience you are having is probably the worst possible thing you could imagine to happen. On the other not-so-logical hand, you are hypersensitive and running like a deer caught in the headlights just waiting for the other shoe to fall and something else to happen.

I experienced this following my husband’s death, which was completely unexpected. It was the worst thing I could imagine to happen to me at 34 years old. That was the logical side. On the not-so-logical side, I became obsessed that something worse was going to happen… like my children dying. I was okay during the day, but at night when the girls were in bed and I was pacing the floor, panic would set in. Almost always, I would give in to my fear and tiptoe into their rooms and gently lift an eyelid or put my finger under their nose to feel their breath so I would know they were still alive. Inevitably one of them would wake up and say, “Mom… we’re fine. Go back to bed.” We laugh about it today, but at the time it was CRAZY making stuff and it was a real.

I’m not a big fan of the ‘pill cocktail’ when individuals are struggling with a loss. I don’t believe that numbing someone’s feelings is going to heal them any faster than allowing them to work through the process in their own time. In fact, I think it prolongs it. I am not a medical doctor so I certainly don’t want to imply that everyone should avoid medication after a loss. If you feel that you need ‘treatment’ than see your physician. What I do see and hear often is that well-meaning friends or family members offer up unused prescriptions to help the bereaved cope. This is dangerous and not helpful.

Other interventions that may be of help to alleviate panic include:

· STOP! Just stop what you are doing, sit down, close your eyes and breathe. You may start crying… that’s okay… sometimes tears are the only way we can release the stress.

· Keep a journal and write about your feeling at that moment. Look for patterns or triggers that may set off the fear.

· Consider meditation before you reach for medication. Meditation is a wonderful stress reducer and can help to rejuvenate you when sleep is lacking.

· Call a trusted supporter and have them sit with you or speak with you over the telephone until the feeling dissipates.

· When the panic subsides remind yourself that you are doing the best you can in light of the experience you are having and that the feeling is temporary.


Photo Credit: Maggie Smith:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=172

Memory Collage

Often when a loved dies it is the memories we have of them that get us through the darkest hour. It is wonderful to remember the person and to reflect on what they meant to you.

It is not unusual for families to display picture boards or to show slideshows of the person who died at the memorial service. Sifting through photos and sharing stories that show the activities, vacations and social gatherings you enjoyed together, or candid shots depicting the true character of your loved one is very therapeutic. It can bring a smile to your face and yes, a tear to your eye. Both are normal and okay to experience.

Once the funeral is done and friends and family fade into their own realities, why not spend some time in creating a beautiful memory collage of you and your loved one.

Here are some simple steps to help get you started:

·         Gather together posterboard, photos, cards or magazines to cut out phrases or words, scissors, glue, acid-free tape. Picture frames are optional.

·         You can have a theme for your memory collage or put it together freestyle, choosing pictures that strike you for whatever reason. Some themes could be: travel, family celebrations, funny moments, milestones in that person’s life, or the person doing all their favourite things.

·         Cut out the photos in different shapes. Use cookie cutters shaped like stars and hearts to trace the design on the photo and cut it out.  If you want to keep the photos in the original form for future use, consider making colored photocopies to cut into shapes and use on the collage.

·         Cut out phrases, full sentences or single words to add inspiration and to help tell the story of your loved one.

·         Before you start gluing or taping the photos and words onto the posterboard, take some time and just lay everything out on the board. You can leave spaces between the pieces or overlap the edges so there is no beginning and no ending to where the photos start and stop. Be creative… you are the artist… there is no right or wrong.

·         It’s optional to frame your collage. If you have one to fit and you want to do that, go ahead and enjoy!

Photo Credit: Nuchylee

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1824

Seasonal Memories

As we move from one season to another, I was nudged to dig out a piece that I wrote nearly twenty years ago. It really was a ‘stream of consciousness’ writing about my favourite seasonal memories and some that I imagined would make each quarter memorable.

See how many you identify with. Enjoy!

A Life of Seasons

~ Janelle Breese Biagioni

The birth of spring brings the gift of life to the world. Trees and shrubs erupting with the growth of tender green leaves and fragile blossoms of pink and white. Unfolding ever so gently, like the growth of a child; precious treasures bringing joy to the beholder. Gentle rains and tender breezes, clouds of cotton and skies of blue to bring peace of mind. Mud puddles for children to dance about in and warming sunshine to bask the soul in. Hopscotch and skipping ropes, baseballs and bats, children laughing from a light-hearted game of hide and seek. Baby farm animals and newborn kittens bringing forth our awe at the wonder of God’s creation. New beginnings and uplifted spirits, encouraging growth and giving way to…

The youthfulness of summer bringing fun to all. Hot sunny weather, ice cream, swimming pools, and sandy beaches. Children running through the zoo, riding bikes, wiener roasts and camping. Sailboats and waterskiing. Dad’s gone fishing, Mom’s in the garden with fresh tomatoes and sweet juicy watermelons. Running barefoot through the grass, warm starry summer nights, crickets calling, corn-on-the-cob, family picnics and riding the carnival carousel. Thunderstorms and drought-freeing rains. Feelings light and carefree, exuberant with curiosity venturing forth to…

The maturity of fall, upholding its responsibility to reach nature’s peak. Trees bursting with colors of red, gold and orange. Gusty winds, creaking gateposts, nights filled with cool, crisp air. Thanksgiving turkeys, whip cream and pumpkin pies, Halloween stories of witches, ghosts and frightful goblins. Bright autumn sunshine and the mouth-watering taste of crunchy red apples. Cinnamon sticks and hot steamy cider. Raking leaves and brand new school books. Feelings of accomplishment and a sense of completion, settling in front of the fire to await…

The arrival of old man winter using his experience and age to complete nature’s cycle. Frosty nights and homemade soup. Winter coats, bright woollen mittens, fur-lined boots to warm tiny toes. Ice skating on Grandpa’s pond, freedom speeding down the slopes. The hush of the first snowfall, flannelette nighties and marshmallows bobbing in thick hot chocolate. Children making eyes of coal, cherished snow angels and captivating icicles. Red brick fireplaces, Santa and big tall Christmas trees. Shiny ornaments, twinkling tinsel and presents in pretty packages. Sweet peppermint of red and green twisted and curled to make a cane. Feelings of love and rejoicing, vows of family renewed. Branches bare, melting snow, grass turned brown. The dormant death of nature allowing the completion of God’s work, recognizing…

The birth of spring brings the gift of life to the world.

Photo Credit: Evgeni Dinev
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1256