Who Am I?

Losing our sense of self-identity is not uncommon when a loved one dies. A person may also experience a loss of self-identity when a loved one’s personality is significantly altered because of a trauma or injury (e.g. brain injury) or a chronic condition (e.g. Alzheimer’s).

A few months after my husband was injured, and then again when he died, I realized how much of my self-identity was lost. It was a little like looking in a mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at me.

Who I was in life before he was injured, and who I was after the crash, can be easily compared in the lists below. In #1 those are the roles I had in life before his injury and in #2 other roles and responsibilities took over. He was a completely different person because of his injury and I was too.

List #1

Daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, mother, cousin, niece, aunt, friend, accounting student, volunteer

List #2

Caregiver, case manager, financial wizard, counsellor, researcher, advocate, legal beagle, RCMP liaison,  sole transportation provider, household manager/maintenance.

It was in acknowledging that I had changed and much of who I was in life was lost that I realized I needed to grieve. I didn’t object or resent for one moment taking on the additional responsibilities, but that doesn’t negate there was sadness that without choice or negotiation, some aspects of the life we knew were gone… forever.

Do you recognize a loss like this in your life? Are parts of who you were gone?

If so, who have you become and have you grieved the parts of you that were lost?

Lady Gaga Understands Loss from Bullying

Lady Gaga was criticized for her recent video message to students at the Etobicoke School of the Arts in Toronto, where she stated that bullying should be made into a hate crime. The criticisms include things like, “any message on bullying is good publicity right now – her message is about getting publicity.”  A rather unfair statement to say the least! What makes it different for Brad Pitt to use his celebrity status for rebuilding New Orleans, or Sean Penn for using his face to shine a light on starving children? Nothing. Moreover, I don’t know if Brad Pitt ever lost his home in a hurricane or if Sean Penn starved as a child. I do know that Lady Gaga experienced the cruelty of being bullied and therefore, her credibility on the issue is sound.

In Lady Gaga’s Thanksgiving Special, she sang a song that she wrote when she was 15 years old. The song, Hair, reflects her feeling of wanting to belong… of “wanting to have a seat at the table in the cafeteria.” She understands firsthand the feelings of longing to be accepted for who she is… for being a beautiful person inside and out. She shared her story of being bullied at school and how it affected her.

Throughout the television special, Gaga spoke about her parents and grandparents. Her values as a person and entertainer were subtle, yet clear. She wishes acceptance for all, not for only an elite group. Her message demonstrates a person with compassion and a heart first, and then secondly a celebrity who is willing to use her fame to bring light to a problem that has escalated in schools and communities, which has resulted in innocent individuals taking their lives. These needless deaths have left many wounded family and friends behind who will struggle for a long time to try and make sense as to how people can be so heartless.

Bullying is beyond ‘school yard banter’ where it can be dismissed as ‘kids will be kids.’ Bullying is a targeted action of physical and/or emotional abuse. It’s not acceptable, nor should it be tolerated in any form. No child, teenager, or young adult should be subjected to cruelty at the hands of another. Our schools and communities should be safe places for everyone. Bullying is violence and there is no reason to turn a blind eye to it.

My siblings and I were bullied too. Not by our peers in the Catholic school we attended, but by the Protestant kids in the public school. Every day we would rush home trying to make it before they jumped out from the bushes to attack us. And yes, physically attack us. One time, my younger sister and I had to run for help as our older sister was held down and whipped across her legs with a bicycle tire they had cut in half. Why? Because of religion – and it wasn’t like they even understood what Catholicism was! Another time a group of youth held our younger sister down to ‘wash her face in snow.’ It may not sound like much but tell that to an 7 year old child who has teenage boys pummelling her. We were afraid to walk home from school in our own neighbourhood. Those are memories that are not easily left behind.

Lady Gaga is deemed to be eccentric and somewhat freakish. I admit that some of her outfits (the meat dress) are off the wall; however, in my opinion (as a 55 year-old grandmother) I think Lady Gaga is quite brilliant. I love her music. She is a talented performer, singer, and songwriter. She, much like Madonna, knows how to market herself. That doesn’t make her freak – it makes her a smart business woman. And now her message to stop bullying and make it a hate crime makes her a responsible citizen taking a stand for the safety of others. Period.

Popeye Isn’t the Only One with Amazing Strength

We know Popeye got his strength from eating spinach. It is true... spinach is a good source of iron and magnesium, which are needed to build muscle. But muscle strength isn’t necessarily the strength others observe in us. Often our true strength shows through our ability to overcome adversity.

I consider myself to be an extremely strong person. So are my children, my siblings and their children. Our mother was tall and slight, but she had the strength of Samson, both emotionally and spiritually and she passed it on to all of us.

Besides my mother, where else do I draw my strength from in times of adversity? I am blessed to have a wonderful support network which includes, my husband, my children, my siblings and their spouses, nieces, nephews, friends and colleagues. And of course, I draw strength from my grandchildren.

Now that may sound absurd – drawing strength from little children who may or may not even understand what is happening when times are difficult. It doesn’t matter. They give me strength because they live, they laugh, and they love. Put all that together in a pair of puddle-jumping boots or behind a chocolate covered smile, and I have a reason to overcome whatever adversity stands before me and to go on living. They still need me.

What gives you strength?

Where do you go when you need strength to face adversity?

What experience unleashed strength that you did not know you had?

Who is your role model for being strong?

How do you pass your strength on to others?

What’s a FOO and why is it Important?

FOO stands for Family of Origin. The work that is done in therapy around the Family of Origin is about healing ourselves from past experiences so that we can move forward in life.

The issues people need to heal from are vast and can include:

Childhood trauma (abuse: physical, sexual, and emotional)

Rejection and excessive criticism

Living in a violent situation and witnessing violence

Living in an unstable, chaotic environment

When an individual grows up with these experiences it is not uncommon to develop unhealthy core beliefs about his or herself, others in their life and the world they see around them.

When it comes to coping with loss and doing the work of mourning, I feel it is beneficial for people to look at their Family of Origin and ask themselves these questions:

• Did my family experience loss?
• Did my family discuss death?
• Did my family talk about divorce or relationship breakups?
• How did my mother handle loss?
• How did my father handle loss?
• How did my father’s parents cope with loss?
• How did my mother’s parents cope with loss?

It is important to ask these questions and examine your answer. Often our coping skills are handed down from generation to generation. Maybe your grandparents were raised to believe that no matter what happens you just put your head down and work hard. And if that didn’t work, they were told to just work harder. Perhaps your grandparents responded the way my mom did… start cooking and pull everyone together… as long as we have each other, we can make it (yes, I inherited this trait from her).

The point is your parents learned from their parents. And their parents learned from their parents and so forth. The beauty now is that if you recognize that the coping mechanisms they didn’t use did not serve them, then you can choose to do it differently. You don’t have to do it the way they did.

There is one thing I know for sure about loss… everyone has an experience and many are willing to tell you what to do, how to do it, and when to do and for how long. Give them a hug and thank them for the input and retreat! Spend time reflecting on what you want and need. If it matches what they suggested, great. If it doesn’t, it does not mean they were wrong. It means it’s not a match.

Examine your FOO and see what beliefs and values that you adopted but don’t serve you or speak your truth. Toss them and develop new ones. That’s taking a step forward.

Photo Credit: Africa

 http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1803

No One Knows But You

Songs put us in touch with our feelings and help to give expression to the sorrow we feel inside. One of those songs is No One Knows But You from Beth Nielson Chapman’s CD Sand and Water. It helps me to know that no matter what I am going through, there is someone on the other side who truly understands how I feel. It gives me strength and courage to know that along with the wonderful family and friends that I have on earth, I also have extra support from beyond.

No One Knows But You lyrics

~ Beth Nielson Chapman

I can almost feel you smiling
From beyond those silver skies
As you watch me finding my way
Here without you in my life

No one knows but you

How I feel inside

No one knows

No one knows but you

I've come so close to believing

All the echoes in the wind

Brushing my hair off my shoulders

I feel you there once again

No one knows but you

How I feel inside

No one knows

No one knows but you

And if there is some magic

Some way around these stars

Some road that I can travel

To get to where you are

I'll cry this empty canyon

An ocean full of tears

And I won't stop believing

That your love is always near

No one knows but you

How I feel inside

No one knows

No one knows but you

Group Member Challenges # 3

Group sessions provide an opportunity to socialize; however, that is not the goal of the group. It is okay to share a laugh and lighten up the mood at times, but only when appropriate. Again laughter and developing a sense of humour is not the goal of the group.

Initially, participants may find Sarah the Socializer fun and joyful to be around, but this ‘happy no matter what’ persona is wearing on those are trying to do the work of mourning.  

If you recognize a "Sarah the Socializer" in your group, there are gentle ways to intervene. If you feel awkward about approaching her, then speak with the facilitator. They are there to support you and to ensure all group members have a meaningful, positive experience.

Sarah the Socializer

~ Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Sarah’s goal is to keep the group from getting too serious about anything. The problem here, of course, is that grief will bring about serious, thoughtful, painful discussions. Sarah may see the group as an opportunity to be with other people and socialize in a fun way. Obviously, her expectations are different than the group’s. Sarah may laugh when everyone else is sad or inappropriate comments to distract the group from the work at hand.

Appropriate ways to intervene: First, understand that many people protect themselves from getting hurt by trying to stay in a social mode or be humorous. Try well-timed, sensitive comments like, “I notice that sometimes you laugh when others are sad. How do you understand that about yourself?” Or, “When I see you laugh like that, I wonder what you are feeling?”  Some Sarahs will lack insight into their use of socializing while others will appreciate your efforts to help them.

Photostock:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Group Member Challenges # 2

The search for meaning is individual to each of us. It’s not uncommon to question our faith when living with loss. Sometimes people will embrace their faith and it truly carries them through. Others may question their faith and God that such a terrible thing could happen. And others may come to a new sense of spirituality.   We have to allow people to do this work without judgement.

Holly the Holy Roller

~ Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Holly spends so much time talking about heaven that people wonder if her feet are on the ground! While faith values are very important and should be explored, the Hollys of the group often alienate other members by quoting scripture. Holly usually projects a lack of any personal problems and may perceive other members’ pain as a “lack of faith.”

Appropriate ways to intervene: Support that works for one person may not work for another. You can accept how important Holly’s faith is to her while also (with appropriate timing and pacing) helping her and the group acknowledge that having faith and mourning are not mutually exclusive. If Holly is advice-giving about the need for everyone to have faith like hers, you must gently remind her of the ground rules and redirect the group in ways supportive to everyone present.

Photo Credit: Graur Razvan Ionut
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=987