Losing our sense of self-identity is not uncommon when a loved one dies. A person may also experience a loss of self-identity when a loved one’s personality is significantly altered because of a trauma or injury (e.g. brain injury) or a chronic condition (e.g. Alzheimer’s).
A few months after my husband was injured, and then again when he died, I realized how much of my self-identity was lost. It was a little like looking in a mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at me.
Who I was in life before he was injured, and who I was after the crash, can be easily compared in the lists below. In #1 those are the roles I had in life before his injury and in #2 other roles and responsibilities took over. He was a completely different person because of his injury and I was too.
List #1
Daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, mother, cousin, niece, aunt, friend, accounting student, volunteer
List #2
Caregiver, case manager, financial wizard, counsellor, researcher, advocate, legal beagle, RCMP liaison, sole transportation provider, household manager/maintenance.
It was in acknowledging that I had changed and much of who I was in life was lost that I realized I needed to grieve. I didn’t object or resent for one moment taking on the additional responsibilities, but that doesn’t negate there was sadness that without choice or negotiation, some aspects of the life we knew were gone… forever.
Do you recognize a loss like this in your life? Are parts of who you were gone?
If so, who have you become and have you grieved the parts of you that were lost?
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