Reflective listening is a therapeutic skill rooted in the work of Carl Roger’s, a psychologist who revolutionized psychotherapy with his client-centered approach. Although this skill is highly effective in a counselling situation, it is also applicable to everyday situations. That does not mean it is easy to do – it does take practice and initially, it may even feel awkward to do.
Reflective listening is all about the person who is speaking and not about the person who is listening. It’s our basic human nature to want to give advice, to offer solutions, and to guide the person to do what we think is best for them. The foundation of Roger’s approach is the belief that the person (speaker) has the ability for self-insight, problem-solving and personal growth. The client (or the speaker) holds the wisdom and knowledge of what is best for them … they need the opportunity to express and explore their feelings so they can determine the best solution for them. The listener’s role is then really that of facilitating the process to explore the person’s feelings and support their decision.
The goal of reflective listening is to respond to the speaker’s feelings, especially any negative and unpleasant feelings. When the listener responds to the person’s negative and unpleasant feelings it actually gives the speaker permission to explore and work through those feelings. They may never have had permission to do this before. Of course, the listener can only do this if they remain free of judgement and apply the skill properly.
Reflective or active listening requires:
Empathy – the person feels with the person rather than feels for the person, which is sympathy
Acceptance – the listener does not judge the speaker or the speaker’s feelings
Congruence – the listener must be genuine, yet open and frank with the speaker
Concreteness – the listener helps the speaker to focus on specifics rather than on the vague and abstract
As you can see, reflective listening is a skill (and an art) but I believe everyone can learn how to do this and apply it to their everyday relationships. Imagine how much conflict could be resolved if every person mastered the art of reflective listening.
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