Who Am I?

Losing our sense of self-identity is not uncommon when a loved one dies. A person may also experience a loss of self-identity when a loved one’s personality is significantly altered because of a trauma or injury (e.g. brain injury) or a chronic condition (e.g. Alzheimer’s).

A few months after my husband was injured, and then again when he died, I realized how much of my self-identity was lost. It was a little like looking in a mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at me.

Who I was in life before he was injured, and who I was after the crash, can be easily compared in the lists below. In #1 those are the roles I had in life before his injury and in #2 other roles and responsibilities took over. He was a completely different person because of his injury and I was too.

List #1

Daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, mother, cousin, niece, aunt, friend, accounting student, volunteer

List #2

Caregiver, case manager, financial wizard, counsellor, researcher, advocate, legal beagle, RCMP liaison,  sole transportation provider, household manager/maintenance.

It was in acknowledging that I had changed and much of who I was in life was lost that I realized I needed to grieve. I didn’t object or resent for one moment taking on the additional responsibilities, but that doesn’t negate there was sadness that without choice or negotiation, some aspects of the life we knew were gone… forever.

Do you recognize a loss like this in your life? Are parts of who you were gone?

If so, who have you become and have you grieved the parts of you that were lost?

Lady Gaga Understands Loss from Bullying

Lady Gaga was criticized for her recent video message to students at the Etobicoke School of the Arts in Toronto, where she stated that bullying should be made into a hate crime. The criticisms include things like, “any message on bullying is good publicity right now – her message is about getting publicity.”  A rather unfair statement to say the least! What makes it different for Brad Pitt to use his celebrity status for rebuilding New Orleans, or Sean Penn for using his face to shine a light on starving children? Nothing. Moreover, I don’t know if Brad Pitt ever lost his home in a hurricane or if Sean Penn starved as a child. I do know that Lady Gaga experienced the cruelty of being bullied and therefore, her credibility on the issue is sound.

In Lady Gaga’s Thanksgiving Special, she sang a song that she wrote when she was 15 years old. The song, Hair, reflects her feeling of wanting to belong… of “wanting to have a seat at the table in the cafeteria.” She understands firsthand the feelings of longing to be accepted for who she is… for being a beautiful person inside and out. She shared her story of being bullied at school and how it affected her.

Throughout the television special, Gaga spoke about her parents and grandparents. Her values as a person and entertainer were subtle, yet clear. She wishes acceptance for all, not for only an elite group. Her message demonstrates a person with compassion and a heart first, and then secondly a celebrity who is willing to use her fame to bring light to a problem that has escalated in schools and communities, which has resulted in innocent individuals taking their lives. These needless deaths have left many wounded family and friends behind who will struggle for a long time to try and make sense as to how people can be so heartless.

Bullying is beyond ‘school yard banter’ where it can be dismissed as ‘kids will be kids.’ Bullying is a targeted action of physical and/or emotional abuse. It’s not acceptable, nor should it be tolerated in any form. No child, teenager, or young adult should be subjected to cruelty at the hands of another. Our schools and communities should be safe places for everyone. Bullying is violence and there is no reason to turn a blind eye to it.

My siblings and I were bullied too. Not by our peers in the Catholic school we attended, but by the Protestant kids in the public school. Every day we would rush home trying to make it before they jumped out from the bushes to attack us. And yes, physically attack us. One time, my younger sister and I had to run for help as our older sister was held down and whipped across her legs with a bicycle tire they had cut in half. Why? Because of religion – and it wasn’t like they even understood what Catholicism was! Another time a group of youth held our younger sister down to ‘wash her face in snow.’ It may not sound like much but tell that to an 7 year old child who has teenage boys pummelling her. We were afraid to walk home from school in our own neighbourhood. Those are memories that are not easily left behind.

Lady Gaga is deemed to be eccentric and somewhat freakish. I admit that some of her outfits (the meat dress) are off the wall; however, in my opinion (as a 55 year-old grandmother) I think Lady Gaga is quite brilliant. I love her music. She is a talented performer, singer, and songwriter. She, much like Madonna, knows how to market herself. That doesn’t make her freak – it makes her a smart business woman. And now her message to stop bullying and make it a hate crime makes her a responsible citizen taking a stand for the safety of others. Period.

Popeye Isn’t the Only One with Amazing Strength

We know Popeye got his strength from eating spinach. It is true... spinach is a good source of iron and magnesium, which are needed to build muscle. But muscle strength isn’t necessarily the strength others observe in us. Often our true strength shows through our ability to overcome adversity.

I consider myself to be an extremely strong person. So are my children, my siblings and their children. Our mother was tall and slight, but she had the strength of Samson, both emotionally and spiritually and she passed it on to all of us.

Besides my mother, where else do I draw my strength from in times of adversity? I am blessed to have a wonderful support network which includes, my husband, my children, my siblings and their spouses, nieces, nephews, friends and colleagues. And of course, I draw strength from my grandchildren.

Now that may sound absurd – drawing strength from little children who may or may not even understand what is happening when times are difficult. It doesn’t matter. They give me strength because they live, they laugh, and they love. Put all that together in a pair of puddle-jumping boots or behind a chocolate covered smile, and I have a reason to overcome whatever adversity stands before me and to go on living. They still need me.

What gives you strength?

Where do you go when you need strength to face adversity?

What experience unleashed strength that you did not know you had?

Who is your role model for being strong?

How do you pass your strength on to others?

What’s a FOO and why is it Important?

FOO stands for Family of Origin. The work that is done in therapy around the Family of Origin is about healing ourselves from past experiences so that we can move forward in life.

The issues people need to heal from are vast and can include:

Childhood trauma (abuse: physical, sexual, and emotional)

Rejection and excessive criticism

Living in a violent situation and witnessing violence

Living in an unstable, chaotic environment

When an individual grows up with these experiences it is not uncommon to develop unhealthy core beliefs about his or herself, others in their life and the world they see around them.

When it comes to coping with loss and doing the work of mourning, I feel it is beneficial for people to look at their Family of Origin and ask themselves these questions:

• Did my family experience loss?
• Did my family discuss death?
• Did my family talk about divorce or relationship breakups?
• How did my mother handle loss?
• How did my father handle loss?
• How did my father’s parents cope with loss?
• How did my mother’s parents cope with loss?

It is important to ask these questions and examine your answer. Often our coping skills are handed down from generation to generation. Maybe your grandparents were raised to believe that no matter what happens you just put your head down and work hard. And if that didn’t work, they were told to just work harder. Perhaps your grandparents responded the way my mom did… start cooking and pull everyone together… as long as we have each other, we can make it (yes, I inherited this trait from her).

The point is your parents learned from their parents. And their parents learned from their parents and so forth. The beauty now is that if you recognize that the coping mechanisms they didn’t use did not serve them, then you can choose to do it differently. You don’t have to do it the way they did.

There is one thing I know for sure about loss… everyone has an experience and many are willing to tell you what to do, how to do it, and when to do and for how long. Give them a hug and thank them for the input and retreat! Spend time reflecting on what you want and need. If it matches what they suggested, great. If it doesn’t, it does not mean they were wrong. It means it’s not a match.

Examine your FOO and see what beliefs and values that you adopted but don’t serve you or speak your truth. Toss them and develop new ones. That’s taking a step forward.

Photo Credit: Africa

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No One Knows But You

Songs put us in touch with our feelings and help to give expression to the sorrow we feel inside. One of those songs is No One Knows But You from Beth Nielson Chapman’s CD Sand and Water. It helps me to know that no matter what I am going through, there is someone on the other side who truly understands how I feel. It gives me strength and courage to know that along with the wonderful family and friends that I have on earth, I also have extra support from beyond.

No One Knows But You lyrics

~ Beth Nielson Chapman

I can almost feel you smiling
From beyond those silver skies
As you watch me finding my way
Here without you in my life

No one knows but you

How I feel inside

No one knows

No one knows but you

I've come so close to believing

All the echoes in the wind

Brushing my hair off my shoulders

I feel you there once again

No one knows but you

How I feel inside

No one knows

No one knows but you

And if there is some magic

Some way around these stars

Some road that I can travel

To get to where you are

I'll cry this empty canyon

An ocean full of tears

And I won't stop believing

That your love is always near

No one knows but you

How I feel inside

No one knows

No one knows but you

Group Member Challenges # 3

Group sessions provide an opportunity to socialize; however, that is not the goal of the group. It is okay to share a laugh and lighten up the mood at times, but only when appropriate. Again laughter and developing a sense of humour is not the goal of the group.

Initially, participants may find Sarah the Socializer fun and joyful to be around, but this ‘happy no matter what’ persona is wearing on those are trying to do the work of mourning.  

If you recognize a "Sarah the Socializer" in your group, there are gentle ways to intervene. If you feel awkward about approaching her, then speak with the facilitator. They are there to support you and to ensure all group members have a meaningful, positive experience.

Sarah the Socializer

~ Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Sarah’s goal is to keep the group from getting too serious about anything. The problem here, of course, is that grief will bring about serious, thoughtful, painful discussions. Sarah may see the group as an opportunity to be with other people and socialize in a fun way. Obviously, her expectations are different than the group’s. Sarah may laugh when everyone else is sad or inappropriate comments to distract the group from the work at hand.

Appropriate ways to intervene: First, understand that many people protect themselves from getting hurt by trying to stay in a social mode or be humorous. Try well-timed, sensitive comments like, “I notice that sometimes you laugh when others are sad. How do you understand that about yourself?” Or, “When I see you laugh like that, I wonder what you are feeling?”  Some Sarahs will lack insight into their use of socializing while others will appreciate your efforts to help them.

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Group Member Challenges # 2

The search for meaning is individual to each of us. It’s not uncommon to question our faith when living with loss. Sometimes people will embrace their faith and it truly carries them through. Others may question their faith and God that such a terrible thing could happen. And others may come to a new sense of spirituality.   We have to allow people to do this work without judgement.

Holly the Holy Roller

~ Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Holly spends so much time talking about heaven that people wonder if her feet are on the ground! While faith values are very important and should be explored, the Hollys of the group often alienate other members by quoting scripture. Holly usually projects a lack of any personal problems and may perceive other members’ pain as a “lack of faith.”

Appropriate ways to intervene: Support that works for one person may not work for another. You can accept how important Holly’s faith is to her while also (with appropriate timing and pacing) helping her and the group acknowledge that having faith and mourning are not mutually exclusive. If Holly is advice-giving about the need for everyone to have faith like hers, you must gently remind her of the ground rules and redirect the group in ways supportive to everyone present.

Photo Credit: Graur Razvan Ionut
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Group Member Challenges #1

I obtained my Certificate in Death & Grief Studies with Dr. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. He is a brilliant man with incredible insight, passion and compassion.

He has worked and taught extensively to those who are grieving. He also works with professionals and has a great way to break down the challenges they may face. While there are many, this week I have chosen three types of people who could present as challenges when part of a group. See if you they remind you of anyone that you may have encountered.

Bob the Blamer

~Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Bob is the participant who projects that other group members (or, other people in general) are the ones who cause his problems. This self-defeating thought pattern has often been a part of his coping mechanisms for some time. Bob often projects an accompanying sense that no one has ever understood him and no one ever will. This self-crippling stance wears thin very quickly with members who are trying to honestly look at themselves and sort out new directions in their lives.

Appropriate ways to intervene: Compassionately attempt to help Bob become more self-responsible and eliminate the tendency to blame. Well-timed, tentative comments like, “Bob, sometimes I’m struck by how often you find fault with others. I’m wondering what would happen for you if you look inside yourself at times instead of outside?” A supportive confrontation like this has the potential of getting Bob more connected to himself and starts to help make positive changes.

On Wednesday, you will meet Challenger #2!

Remembrance Day

Today is Remembrance Day, also known as Armistice or Veteran’s Day. It marks the anniversary of when the hostilities of World War 1 ended at 11:00 am on November 11, 1918 (the 11^th hour on the 11^th day of the 11^th month).

It is on this day that we honour those who served our country and fought for our freedom; it is today that we honour those who continue to serve and protect our freedom.

God speed to all.

In Flanders Fields

by John McCrae (It’s believed that McCrae wrote this beautiful poem on May 3, 1915 after witnessing the death of his friend, Lieutenant Alexis Helmer, 22 years old, the day before.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Nobody’s Story is More Important than Yours

I have had the privilege to work with many individuals after they experienced loss. I meet people every day whose heart has been shattered for one reason or another. I have family members very near and dear to me struggling to accept losses in their life. Not all the losses are a physical death; however, that does not negate their suffering.

What is interesting to me is that often when people share their story with me, they end it with, “It could have been worse.” And I ask them, “Could it?” I understand the reason they do that. I’ve done it myself. When I hear other people’s stories, I think that no matter what I have been through in my life, their suffering has to be so much more… their loss is so much greater. And then I ask myself, “Is it?”

Here is what I have come to learn and I share it daily with others, “You will always hear another person’s story that will take your breath away. But remember, when your story happened to you, it took your breath away. What happened to you is no greater and no less painful than what has happened to other people.”

When events happen in life, regardless if it is a divorce, separation, a death, the ending of a relationship, a financial loss, or a fracture in a family… all of it is painful to the person going through it. What we can do is look at those other stories… the one’s that we think are more important or significant than ours… and use them as inspiration to encourage us to do the work we need to do. Instead of saying, it could have been worse, say… “At least I am not alone. Others have experienced loss too, and I can gain strength from them because they have walked where I am today. I am grateful to have heard their story.”

Nobody’s story is more important than your own.

Pre-screen Group Members

Support groups are beneficial in offering participants education and support. Participants attending the session also receive the benefit of being surrounded by others with similar experiences and those who will allow them to do the work of grieving and mourning without judgement. An unexpected bonus is that often the members forge close friendships and build a strong sense of community.

When starting a support group, the decision has to be made on the format. Is this a self-help group (e.g. Compassionate Friends)? Is it a therapy group? The self-help group are generally led by individuals who have also been bereaved, but who have worked through the process of mourning. Therapy groups are led by professionals (i.e. therapist).

It is the responsibility of the group facilitator to develop a positive group experience for the participants. Therefore, an important yet often overlooked step is to pre-screen members. Not every person is a good fit for the group. When interviewing a participant for the first-time there may be obvious indicators that they person would benefit from individual counselling rather than a support group setting. On the other hand, especially if the facilitator is a lay person, you may miss something and find out after they join the group that this isn’t the right fit. It happens ~ facilitators are human.

Some things to consider when meeting with a potential member to determine if they are a good fit are:

• Are they ready? If the person has recently lost a loved one (less than 6 months) they may not be ready or able to benefit from a group setting.
• Are they exhibiting / indicating other issues that need to be addressed elsewhere (e.g. drug and alcohol dependency)
• Do they demonstrate the capacity for self-care? (eating, sleeping, clean)
• Are they filled with rage or anger?
• Are they expressing suicidal thoughts or a desire to physically harm themselves or others? If so, this is beyond your scope. It’s important to know when to refer individuals to other programs.

Should the person pass the pre-screening, then move on to discuss the expectations of the group and find out what the potential member expects. Explain that the group will have ground rules they develop and a discussion about expectations, but in general as a facilitator here are yours:

• Commitment to attend sessions and to be on time
• Respect guidelines as discussed by the group (e.g. no interrupting when someone else is speaking)
• Refrain from giving advice or solutions (what worked for you may not work for someone else). Participants may be asked to give feedback.
• Respect that others may be in a different place than you are in the journey of recovery (e.g. you may no longer have anger, but another may be struggling to move beyond this stage). It doesn’t mean they are not doing the work – it means they are at a different place than you are.
• May be given homework or an assignment to work on between sessions
• May be given a task (e.g. make coffee, be a buddy to someone in the group)
• Must refrain from disruptive/ abusive language and behaviours
• Be respectful when speaking with others

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The Aftermath of Murder

Losing someone you love is never easy. There have been times, both professionally and personally, when my breath was taken away by the circumstances in which loss occurred. Murder is one type of death that catapults the survivors into an extraordinary grief journey.

I experienced the aftermath of murder when my brother-in-law was killed by his roommate. Dale was a vibrant, good-looking, fun-loving 23 year-old whose brilliant future was snuffed out in one insane moment. Ironically, I wanted to call him the night before he died to tell him that I was pregnant but didn't. I decided to wait until morning so that my husband, who was working afternoons, could also speak with him. He was killed by a single gunshot to the head at the break of dawn. The only peace of mind we had was that Dale was sound asleep when the gun discharged. Thankfully he didn’t hear the person enter his room because he had fallen asleep wearing stereo headphones.

My husband’s parents died when he was a teenager so we, along with a younger brother, were next of kin and instantaneously plunged into a world of legal chaos. What complicated it even more was that we had to adapt to the role of ‘family of the victim’ which was quite different for my husband who was a peace officer 24/7. His position in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police afforded us no special treatment or extra information. We had to move through the system kicking and screaming for answers like any other family. We had to deal with a complicated estate, including the sale of Dale's house, which he owned jointly with his younger brother and the man who killed him. None of it was easy and all of it took a toll on both of us.

Weeks after his death, I threatened to miscarry and was hospitalized. My husband was ‘pressured’ and yes, I do mean pressured to return to work in the small detachment he had been posted to for two years. This was over 30 years ago and the police force didn’t offer much in the way of counselling or even monitoring an officer who was under extreme stress. Their catch-all solution was to get back to work as soon as possible and stay busy. Mix this with raising a near two-year old and living some 300 miles away from my family and 14 hours away from where the investigation and murder trial was to take place and it spelled disaster. It was also the perfect scenario to delay our grief responses, especially for my husband. He couldn’t cope with what had happened and all of the chaos gave him reason to avoid his feelings of helplessness and despair.

Three weeks before I delivered our baby, friends informed us that the trial was going ahead… the next day. We could not attend as it was hundreds of miles away, so my husband called the Crown Prosecutor to order a transcript of the trial. He asked how long the trial would take… as in how many days or weeks. He was told two hours. The Crown had struck a deal with the roommate. If he plead guilty he would get ‘not guilty by reason of insanity.’ Sure enough, the trial went before judge and jury the next day. It lasted less than two hours. The defence instructed the jury to bring back the verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity as did the prosecutor, as did the judge. The jury deliberated for eleven minutes and brought back the verdict as instructed. We were angry and frustrated. Moreover, we believed the trial was a mockery.

The point of telling my readers all of this is to demonstrate how the grief process for the victim’s family and loved ones can be derailed and delayed for a long time, if not  indefinitely. The quest for justice is all consuming. The fight for the deceased person’s honour is fierce. The circumstances surrounding the death (how they died, were they aware, did they suffer, etc.) becomes something you eat and breath.

I would like to tell you that we found our way through the heartbreak. I would like to say that my husband found the strength and courage to slay the demons that scarred his heart so deeply. I’d like to say that the experience of losing his mom when he was 14 years old and his dad when he was 17 gave him the tools he needed to move beyond the death of his brother. I can’t. What I can tell you is that his wounds were so deep and so raw that the unresolved grief of his parents’ deaths, which festered below the surface, snowballed and took the grief of his brother’s death to astronomical proportions.

Our baby girl was born and the gift of two sweet children gave us both comfort and hope. And the needs of our little family gave him more reason to push aside the sorrow he lived with. So what happened?  His broken heart took him down the path that millions of others on a similar journey take. He drank too much. He smoked too much. He refused to talk about it with me or anyone else.  Eventually, he pushed the limits of sacredness and entered into a brief affair with my younger sister.

You can imagine my disbelief (and anger) when the counsellors (three in fact) told me that the affair really had nothing to do with me. It was all about the war within himself to avoid the pain of losing those he loved that pushed him to become part of a situation that could force the ultimate loss… that of his wife and children. Subconsciously, he feared that everyone would leave him so he created situations to make it happen.  I know some of you will think this was an excuse. Believe me - I had to work through it myself. Forgiveness didn’t come easily for me, nor did rebuilding the trust. But at some level, I understood there had to be some truth to this. So began my 11 year search for meaning to understand my loss and his. In the end, I came to accept that the aftermath of his brother’s murder and the unresolved grief of losing his parents were in fact, at the base of his self-destruction. Was my husband a bad person? No, he was wounded. I know you're wondering...sorry, I can't speak to my sister's part in it. I can only say that I never understood it.

Sadly, my husband’s story mirrors that of millions who do not, or are not given a safe, nurturing environment to do the work of mourning. When we struggle to survive the aftermath of brutality and the ending of a loved one’s life at the hands of another, we need extra help. We need extra time. We need extra understanding. If you have never walked this path it’s extremely difficult to fully appreciate the magnitude of suffering it brings to those left behind.

God speed to families and friends who have endured this kind of loss and who are living with the aftermath of murder. It is a painful journey and my wish is that peace and comfort is one day yours.

Photo Credit: Simon Howden
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Reflective Listening

Reflective listening is a therapeutic skill rooted in the work of Carl Roger’s, a psychologist who revolutionized psychotherapy with his client-centered approach. Although this skill is highly effective in a counselling situation, it is also applicable to everyday situations. That does not mean it is easy to do – it does take practice and initially, it may even feel awkward to do.

Reflective listening is all about the person who is speaking and not about the person who is listening. It’s our basic human nature to want to give advice, to offer solutions, and to guide the person to do what we think is best for them. The foundation of Roger’s approach is the belief that the person (speaker) has the ability for self-insight, problem-solving and personal growth. The client (or the speaker) holds the wisdom and knowledge of what is best for them … they need the opportunity to express and explore their feelings so they can determine the best solution for them. The listener’s role is then really that of facilitating the process to explore the person’s feelings and support their decision.

The goal of reflective listening is to respond to the speaker’s feelings, especially any negative and unpleasant feelings. When the listener responds to the person’s negative and unpleasant feelings it actually gives the speaker permission to explore and work through those feelings. They may never have had permission to do this before. Of course, the listener can only do this if they remain free of judgement and apply the skill properly.

Reflective or active listening requires:

Empathy – the person feels with the person rather than feels for the person, which is sympathy

Acceptance – the listener does not judge the speaker or the speaker’s feelings

Congruence – the listener must be genuine, yet open and frank with the speaker

Concreteness – the listener helps the speaker to focus on specifics rather than on the vague and abstract

As you can see, reflective listening is a skill (and an art) but I believe everyone can learn how to do this and apply it to their everyday relationships. Imagine how much conflict could be resolved if every person mastered the art of reflective listening.

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